Ghosting

I feel like a ghost. Like I'm disappearing into the background...a bit like Marti McFly in Back to the Future. I feel invisible, like no-one really notices me, and like no-one would even notice or care if I wasn't there. I know I'm being stupid. It's just how I feel.

And I have toothache...haven't been to the dentist in years. Truth is I can't afford to go, It's stupidly expensive just for a damned check up, and if I need a filling or something it'll be even worse. I hate denstists. They're evil sadists who like infklicting toothy pain on people.

Overtime

I'n supposed to be doing overtime tomorrow.

I'm not looking forward to it, Bitchwhore is going to be in, and I really can't face hearing her comment on everything and everyone. But on the other hand, if I don't go in, I've let her win, and there's the small fact of nearly 60 emails (when I left on friday at least, there's probably double that now) that need dealing with, forms filling in and spreadsheet to update for each one. And God knows how many replies have arrived since yesterday. I'm over run, and it's soul destroying. It's only for a few hours tho, I can cope. And it's double time plus double time travel time, so I'll get quite a substantial chunk of money in my next wage packet. Just is the money worth the aggro?

It'll have to be. I've got too much to do not to do the overtime. I did 12 hours on thursday, 8 til 8. I'm not really keen on doing that again, it's exhausting and depressing.

Just keep thinking forward, got the course to do in april, and I'm not going to be in this job forever...I'll be doing something worthwhile with my life in a couple of years.

Anyway I'd better go, got to get up early in the morning... Joy of Joys.

Bitches

I have had a particularly shitty day in work, and out of work too.

Work is bad enough without the bitches who, frankly, seem to be intent on Bullying Sarah.

Sarah is a tough cookie, but even she is getting tired and upset by the snidey, off the cuff allegedly 'jokey' comments by certain members of the team.

On wednesday they to all intents and purposes accused her of being a bad mother, today it was belittling her about not making them a cuppa, despite the fact she goes and makes tea and coffee for everyone several times a day, and we're lucky if Yvone, the biggest bitch of them all, ever gets up off her fat arse to get her own drink never mind anyone elses. I nearly had a heart attack when she got up and asked if anyone wanted a drink today, but as she was only doing it to make a nasty point, and refused to get Sarah a drink, I don't think it counts.

And then they had a crack at me about going to the butty shop. Yvonne from now on named bitchwhore, had offered to go. Normally they don't bother asking us down the nice end of the desks, but they did this time, and then bitchwhore and Mark pipe up...'isn't it your turn to go?'

I just looked at Cat and said 'I don't think I'll bother this time'. I've been three times in the last fortnight, and whenever I ask if people want stuff most people...Mark, Bitchwhore etc, say no. That's not my fault. Mark I think has been twice in the last six weeks, and Bitchwhore maybe teice or three times. And it's fucking a hell of a lot easier for them to go cos they can see where they're fucking well going.

I don't begrudge getting butties and that for people, but I object to being made to feel small and embarrassed in front of people, when they know damned well I don't deserve it.

Oh and then the bitchwhore volunteered Amanda for having people sit with her, only because she wasn't there, and everyone else had declined it.. Other people could have been volunteered, but bitchwhore thinks Amanda won't argue about it. I think she may be wrong there.

Morale on the team is at an all time low, and the main reason is bitchwhore.. She's nasty, loud, obnoxious and opinionated, and she's making Sarah's life a misery, getting me down about a job I already hate, and turning team mebers against eachother by shit stirring and back stabbing.

I'd have a word with Ali, our line manager, but I've a feeling she's sitting on the wrong side of the fence on this one. The only other alternative is to go to my HEO and express my concerns, but that is just going to stir up a whole lot of nasty shit, that I'd rather not get into. I think I'll have a word with Ali, as line manager she has a duty of care to all her staff, not just the bolshy, bitchy, morale destroying, bullying ones. What they are doing to Sarah is tantamount to bullying, and in that case, I have a duty to report her.

Monday morning I'll have a quiet word with Ali. If nothing's done about bitchwhore, even if it's only an informal 'stop pissing people off' chat with her, then I'm considering asking for a transfer off the team, and Id feel bad about leaving Sarah and Amanda in that environment, but if I don't go, or bitchwhore isn't lowered a peg or two, then I'm just going to eith get more and more miserable about it all, or I'm gonna snap, and say (or shout) something very unprofessional at her.

It will probably include the words fuck, bitch, and off. Plus any other choice phrases I can think of at the time.

Love

Love is a funny thing, and I don't mean funny ha ha. It's fickle and flighty and waxes and wanes like the moon, and you never quite know what to make of it.

I think I have found the meaning of unconditional love.

People go on about there's no such thing as unconditional love, people love in return for being loved or in return for something.

When you actually find unconditional love it is a rare, a beautiful and an amazing thing and it should be treasured for as long as it lasts, because just because it is unconditional, doesn't mean it will necessarily last forever. People change after all.

Take Gary. I love him. Right now in my life I feel like I always will. I may do, I can't seee the future, I don't know what is going to happen, but I love him now. I was thinking about him, I think about him a lot. He's going through a really rough time at the moment, struggling with alll thats going on, and most of the time he doesn't answer my calls, or reply to my texts, but I still love him. It doesn't matter to me that he's unemployed, or that he's struggling with drugs, the strength he's showing in getting free of it is inspiring...it's partly that that is making me want to go in for the counselling course, to help more people like him. It makes me love him more.

It doesn't matter to me what he does with his life, he could be a famous rock star, an IT tech, a floor polisher, a drug addict or just a guy without a job, I'd still love him. He doesn't even have to call me, or see me.

I love him even tho he's with someone else, and would love him if he was with me, or if he decided to go it alone. I can't imagine not loving him.

It all sounds very twee and cheesy, but it's how I feel. I would do anything for him, and I mean anything. I'd give my life to save his if it came to it. I know people say that all the time, but I believe it's true...of course you never really know what you'd do in that situation, but I believe it.

Gary gave me something no-one else could. He gave me faith, or at least the seeds of faith, the wisdom to open my mind and look properly at the world and see how amazingly beautiful it is. And in seeing that beauty, I found the knowledge, and faith that God's hand is in everything.

I know that statement might worry a few people. I'm not turning into a religious nut, I'm not going to go all preachy and start bashing non-believers. I believe that everyone has freedom of choice...if you choose to believe or not, that is up to you, but I just know. I can feel something deep inside me that makes me feel...I dunno complete somehow, and I didn't even realise it was there.

Don't get me wrong...I think religion is utter shite. Elements of every religion are good and right. But elements are wrong..For the simple fact that religions are created by men, and usually men with power, who have ideas and rules and structuresthat might seem right in their eyes, but utterly wrong in someone elses eyes.

Religion causes a lot of pain and destruction...Holy wars, the crisis in the middle east, the holocaust, northern ireland...perhaps not all immediately caused by religion, but religion plays a big part in the hatred that follows and continues to breed. God would not want this.

Even down to the little nuances of individual religions and the strange ideas created by religions. Idea's like original sin nd such.

I don't know where I'm going with this anyhow...I started talking about Gary, and now I'm on to God and religion, and It's started getting preachy so I think I'll shut up.

But I'll say one last thing.

Next time you're out, look up at the sky...doesn't matter waht time of day it is, morning, evening, night time. Or what the weather is like, it could be cloudy or sunny, raining or snowing. Just look up at the sky, and see how amazingly beautiful it is. A wintry grey sky, with the shades and billows of the clouds, or a perfect crisp blue, the golden pink of a dawn or sunset, or one of those days when the sun shines through the breaks in the clouds and it's almost like you can see the light from heaven shining through.

It was the sky that convinced me. And even if it doesn't convince you, or you just believe in science rather than God, at least appreciate the beauty of the sky, be it heaven-sent, or scientific artistry.

Choices

After last nights post, I couldn't sleep. I went to bed, and all I could do was toss and turn, and think about Gary, and counsellors and wanting to be able to help people, and not feeling valued and not making the slightest bit of difference to anyone where I work, feeling totally under valued and pointless, and wanting to do something worth while with my life. Pretty deep shit for 2 am, no wonder I couldn't sleep. And I got to thinking about counselling, and how I have pretty much been a voluntary cousellor for Gary, and Terry, and Sam and some of my other friends who have need to talk about stuff, and I decided that what I really want to do with my life is help people. As I've already said, if I win the lottery, I am going to open a drug rehabilitation centre. But thats a dream that I can't attain without a lot of money to spend out on things like premises etc first. I don't have that cash to hand at the moment, so the next best thing is to try and help people in a less flambuoyant way.

So I got out of bed, and I went back on my laptop, and I looked up counselling courses anf guess what I found? I can go back to college, one night a week, at Wirral Met college, conway park campus which is right by work, and I can do an introduction to counselling skills course, for 11 weeks for the princely sum of £33 enrolment and £85 tuition fees.

It starts at the end of April, either on a wednesday or a thursday evening, 6pm til 9pm. And if I like it, if I think that I'm up to doing the job, if they think I'm up to it then I can go on and do a foundation counselling course, also at conway park, also one night a week for 12 months starting in september. It's a step in the right direction I think. I feel like I have a goal to work towards now, instead of sitting in an office all day and wishing my life away.

I didb't get to sleep until 5am. But I woke up feeling more hopeful and excited about my life than I had in a long time.

It's true, a positive step can do you the world of good. And don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping the gun, and planning my whole future on the strength of one decision. I know I might not suit the course, or it might not suit me, I might find it dismally boring, or just not be the right person for that kind of job, but at least I'm willing to give it a try, I've founf dome motivation to actually gey up off my fat lazy arse and try and do something about this deep, dark rut that I have fallen into. Even if I don't go on to do the foundation counselling course, I will get a minor counselling qualification under my belt that can only help me in my life and possibly in my work in the future.

I feel good about this decision. I think it could be the right time for me to do something like this, and I'm not going to let my own laziness and self pity get in my way.

Thank you Chris for commenting yesterday. I know what you're getting at, but you don't know how much it does help when people comment, even if it's just a smily face, or a brief telling off for being stupid, or just a 'hello, I'm here'. It doesn't matter. At least I know that someone is out there, taking notice. And I only realised this when I read your comment. When I scrolled down and saw the little 1 comments link, and it nade me feel.... I dunno, better. Even though you sounded really pisssed off in your comment.

I know this blog is full of bitching and moaning and ranting and moaning and self pity. I know sometimes...a lot of the time...it doesn't make very pleasant reading, it's the only outlet I have. I need to work through this in my own way, at my own pace, and by my own means. Self awareness is the key to happiness I think, and I just feel like I can't find self awareness if I'm drugged up to the eyeballs on antidepressants. I might be wrong, I don't know, but thats how I feel at the moment. I feel like I need to ask myself the right questions and find out for myself where my strengths lie and work through my emotions with my self. Like self-counselling. This blog is going a long way to doing that.

Besides, I know what my problems are, there are no hidden meanings or buried secrets, I know exactly what's making me miserable, and I can't do anything about most of it. But I can do something about my purpose in life. I can change the things that need changing, like my self-value and my job and my health. The things I can't change, like other people's lives and and other people's situations, I just have to accept, help them through whatever they need to do as much as I can, but take a step back and let them get on with it without trying to change things I can't. It's hard, it's difficult and nasty and it makes you feel helpless and useless and unworthy a lot of the time, but in the end, everyone has their own life to lead and their own path to follow, and you have to let them walk that path. It might mean losing friends or seeing them make mistakes that you just can't stop. But in the end it's their choice. Like it's got to be my choice to find happiness.

And I'll get there in the end, I know I will.

Tis was only meant to be a short post, and it's tuned into another epic. I guess I had more to say than I thought I did, anyway it's a little more up beat and positive than the last one. I'm not there yet, and I reckon there'll be a dew more self depricating, cynical, defeatist posts to come in the future, I can't just get better oveer night, and with my eye operation coming up, I reckon there'll be a dew down days between now and then, but I think I've got one foot on the right path at least now. Wish me luck on my journey.

Oh and go see The Bucket List, another heart breaking, hysterically funny film starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, and God do they look OLD now. I suppose they must be getting on in years now those two. They've still got fantastic screen presence tho. It's a good film. Take the hankies with you tho. And I'm not really giving anything away by saying that as the first line of the film is 'insert name here died on date...etc' Ok so thats not the first line word for word, obviously there was a name and a date, I just can't remember what they were.

Anyway I'm off to bed now.

Boring

Well I guess people have stopped reading this shit. I've had no comments for a while. I don't give a shit really, I write it for me as a kind of therapy, not for anyone else...If you want to read fine, but if you think it's boring and can't be arsed, then fuck off and find some other happy drivel to read. I don't care.

Went to se P.S Ilove You again with mum tonight. It is possibly the most heartbreakingly funny film I have seen in a long time. And yes I cried and laughed all the way through it again.

I shouldn't watch films like that. It kinda half makes me want to believe in true love and happiness. When in reality it's all bollocks. People hurt eachother all the time. There's no such thing as eternal happiness, and a sucessful relationship is just one that hasn't failed yet. Yje only way a relationship can survive is if the people in it are tough enough to survive the hurt that the other person causes them.

Oh jesus (sorry God) I must be the most cynical of all cynics. Listen to me, in one breath I'm wittering about love, and in the next I'm spitting venom at anyone who has a happy relationship.

I apologise. I'm bitter and angry and cynical and I shoukd keep my big, fat, loveless mouth shut.

I don't think I'm right in the head. I need a holiday. Somewhere a long way away from this fucked up place. Trouble is if I go, I don't think I'll ever come back. And maybe that woulkdn't be such a bad thing. I could sit on a beach somewhere, with my laptop (making sure not to get sand in the keys) and write stories til the sun goes down. Live in sarong and flip dlops and get an amazing tan, except with my skin I'd probably burn horribly and get skin cancer.

And I got the fate through for my eye operation yesterday. 14th Narch. And I don't want to go. I'm sick of being prodded and poked and messed with. I just want to be left alone, in peace.It doesn't make any difference to me that the op will improve my vision...when they take out the oil and replce my lens things should clear up a bit, should become less blurry. But really, I don't give a shit anymore. I've lost the will to fight. And Gary won't be there to help me through it, cos he'll be in rehab.

I don't think I can deal with any of this any more. The last 12 months have beaten me down lower than I've ever been, and I can't do it any more. Gary's pneumonia, Gary's coke habit, my health problems, my sight problems, losing Gary back to his wife, more operations, watching Gary getting more and more miserable and killing himself with drink and drugs, nearly losing my job, Sam getting arrested, Gary going into rehab...Just a few of the things that have happened in the last twelve months. And I've coped so far. Lost the plot a couple of times, but I'm still here. But now I can't I've got no fight left, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I don't want to go out to work, I want to dtay in bed all fucking day and hide. The only reason I don't is because I can't. I need the ,money, and Mum is retired now so I can't stay home. We're getting on ok at the moment, but Normally she annoys the hell out of me, and staying home with her fussing over me every second would finish me off.

And iff you turned my life into a soap and put it on the telly, people would laugh and say yeah right like that would happen.

If I go to the doctor they'll give me pills to take, happy smily pills that don't make you happy they just make you numb. They don't solve the problems, they just make you stop caring so much about the problems, but they're still there. And they'll try and sign me off work. And try and make me see a counsellor. But six months down the line when I finally manage to see the counsellor, if it's the same snotty bitch I got last time, I'll go once, and then walk away drom that...counsellors shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable. They shouldn't sit there in silence and watch you say nothing, waiting for you to speak. They should ask pertinent questions and be nice. Not look down their nose at you and make you feel guilty for being crazy. Make you feel like your wasting their time.

I did go to counselling two about 18 months ago, shortly after the seroxat made me go nuts and maybe try and kill myself...I say maybe, I can't remeber what I was thinking at that point. Everything is fuzzy and mixed up and painful. I can't remeber what the counsellor's name was. She was nice. She was from Corecare, through work, and she helped me I think. But I only got six sessions. Thats all your allowed, six one hour sessions. Yeah, short term care from the government there. Just keep propping you up so that you can keep on working, but don't pay to have a mentally healthy staff. Can't be paying a counsellor to come in, and pay your staff to sit in a room for an hour in work time doing nothing, but perfectly happy to pay you for six months when you go nuts and have a break down due to stress and go off sick.

It's quite strange. They allegedly carea about their staff...at least they have a 'duty of care' which I don't think is the same thing as actually caring. ANd they want their staff to be in all the time and reduce their sick days, yet they stress people out by giving them formal warnings when they're sick for more than 8 days in a 12 month rolling period, so when people are sick, they make themselve worse by worrying about the warnings, and people who are ill come into work and spread their germs about so as not to go over the sick limit. I'm better, I have 12 days cos I have a medical condition. I'm already well over that, but apparently recovery after an operation doesn't count on the sick policy.

It's no way to run a business. But then it's run by the government so what do we expect really?

I feel like I've been writing for hours abd iut's late. Or early depending on which way you look at it. Either way I think it's bed time.

Strangely I deel better for ranting and stuff.

Blogs are like counsellors without the bored looks and guilt-tripping stares and snotty attitude.

Hopeless dreams

Health, happiness and life without pain...thats all I want. Maybe some more money and a house of my own where I can be me without any aggro. Space to breathe and think my own thoughts, someone to love who isn't going to desert me or treat me like shit, Some one who loves ne for me and who isn't so fucked up they're incapable of having a relationship. A paint studio where I can dawb colour on canvas to my heart's content, A library filled with my own taste in books, and an office to write my own stories and novels. A life that's worth being proud of, not a mess that shoudn't have happened. Freinds close by that I can rely on, and who can rely on me. Sam not to go to prison, Terry to find someone to love him and help him find peace. G ary to be free from his pain and his fear.

Take my friend, Sarah. She is 21. She thinks she knows how the world works. She has her opinions, and she's entitled to those opinions...it doesn't matter that I think they are...not wrong exactly, just a bit too close minded, naive perhaps is a better word. She's not bigotted or anything like that, she just has strong views. For instance Terry. She's met Terry, she doesn't know him particularly well, but she 's met him. I asked her if she knew who her mum got weed off...she smokes it for her back, and Terry needs a new supply before he goes nuts.. Anyway she didn't know, but that aside, she wasn't sympathetic when I told her what it was for. She said it was his own fault, that if he hadn't smoked weeed for most of his life he wouldn't be in the state he is now. I don't entirely agree...Terry's life took a nose dive a long time ago, with health problems (sarcoidosis) that nearly blinded him, a very bitter divorce, and a bitch of an ex wife that tried to stop him seeing his daughter by telling people he'd abused her.. Terry loves his daughter. I'm not saying he's an excellent role model, but he loves her, and she's old enough now to mke her own decisions about her father. She's eighteen now, and is a beautiful young woman. Terry is really proud of her. But the thing is, Terry has had a difficult time, he's mentally unstable, suffers from acute depression and is under a counsellor. All in all I think he's given up on ever finding happiness. Sarah doesn't knoww any of this. She just sees a guy lost in his own stoner world, and assumes he's like that because of the weeed. Maybe the weed doesn't help him much, but it keeps him sane enough not to kill himself. And he's been there before.

Also I'm fuming today. Gary's been to a couple of rehab places yeasterday and today to see what they're like etc. Hid mate Ivan took him. What I want to know is...WHERE THE FUCK WAS HIS WIFE???

I'm sorry, but I know how hard it is for Gary at the moment, and I don't fucking live with him. OK yeah she works, so do I. And I damn well wouldn't have let him go to those places without me there to give him some support if I'd been his fucking wife. Two days...I'd have taken two days unpaid fucking leave if I had to so that I could be there for him. And tonight he's home alone. Drunk off his face because she's gone out. He ranfg me not long ago. He was upset, you could hear it in his voice, and he was pissed, and I asked how it went at the rehab place, and he didn't want to talk about it, so I know it probably didn't go too well, and that he's scared and worried, and it breaks my heart to think of him going through this apparently on his own. I mean I'm not dissing Ivan, he's a damned good friend and a really great bloke. Just what does Angela think she's doing?

I'm of course jumping to conclusions again. He might have refused her company on the trip or something. I'm unconvinced that that is what happenned tho. From what Gary has told me about her, she's very good at the practical sides of things but not so good at the emotional side of things. I'm the other way around...what he really needs is someone in between both of us..a kind of Kagela or Angate...both of which sound like brands of pile cream, so perhaps not.

I wish I could have been there for him tho. He's going to have to be in rehab for at least three months. It's going to be torture for him. And he'll miss Sam's court date too.. I miss him. And I miss Sam too, I haven't spoken to him in nearly four weeks. Gary has given me his new mobile number now so I will give him a call tomorrow.

There's far too much shit going on at the moment. I've been in tears all day on a nd off. Joy left work today. She is a lovely woman and I'll miss having her around the office, cheering everyone up. So we went to the pub after work and got plastered. I love Joy, She's great.

And damn it I seem to be still slightly attracted to Pete. Yrah the guy with the messy divorce procedings etc...I don't know what it is about me and almost divorcee's... First there was Jack, ok so technically he was an out and out affair cos he had no intention of leaving his wife not at that point anyway (sorry Jack but you didn't honey), then Gary, the lovely, sexy separated but not divorced man who I love with all my heart, Matt, who I kinda had a bit of a thing for cos he was nice to me about my eyes, and was also mid divorce and therefore not remotely interested in having a fling with the blind girl. And then there's Pete, a nice but shy guy on my wing ( never a good idea, made worse by the fact that he's mid divorce, and he fancies someone else.) I certainly pick em.

Anyway, it's a leap year this year so I'm allowed to ask someone to marry me..cos the girls allowed to ask on a leap year...if I ask enough people, one of them is bound to say yes!

Atomic Elements

So Atomic Elements abound in my last post, and I have no idea why. I didn't put them there, not intentionally anyway. It's slightly annoying.

Went to Landican today to visit my Nain, and take the duck I bought her. The one I got last year has faded quite a bit, but it's still there. It was freezing up there. It's been a bad day all round really. Weather wise, it's been cold and misty and a bit windy, compared to the glorious sunshine we got yesterday. So yeah, I went to see Nain, and got a bit upset. Then Gary rang me, and I got more upset... He was at a meeting with a rehab clinic in Wrexham this morning, and it looks like he's definately going. He's been off the stuff now for nearly four weeks, and I'm really proud of him. He said he was going to call me and let me know how it went, but he hasn't, so I'm a bit worried. To be honest I don't know if rehab is the best place for him. He seems to be doing quite well on his own. But he feels he needs it, so I suppose it won't do any harm. I'm just worried that by going into rehab, he's hiding from life. He's scared of living and scared of losing people and scared of hurting people, and tat was the whole reason he started taking the stuff in the first place, cos he couldn't deal with life, and the pain of life. And maybe now he's having to deal with it, cos he hasn't got the crutch he was using, maybe rehab is just another hiding place. I'll wait and see. I don't know how long he'll be there for. Sam has a new number apparently, and Gary said he was going to send me it, but there's no sign of that either...I'm just thinking if Gary is still in rehab when Sam's court date comes up... Well I was going to try and go to court to support Sam anyway, even though he is being a stupid dick about the whole thing...he's still my driend. If Gary's in rehab, I'm definately going to court for Sam.

Tried to ring Terry before too, I needed some company, but he was busy. Had radiator men coming to fix...well the radiators at his mum's. He said he's going nuts cos he has no weed to smoke. Terry needs his weed. He's a verey angry person deep down, but he manages to control it by beibg permanently stoned. If he's not stoned he gets ... crazy is the only way to describe it. If he can't find a new supply of weed soon, I dread to think what might happen. He said he went nuts one night a while back and decided to run round where he lives at 3am wearing a mask and waving a sword. I don't know how true that is, but if it is true, we need to find him some weed before he does it again, cos one thing Gary does not need is to have his brother shot by police snipers, or arrested for attacking random strangers with a samurai sword. To be honest I don't think it will go that far, but he could end up doing himself an injury. I've kinda gone off drugs now, they're not as much fun as everyone makes out, and dealers, well they're evil. Drugs aren't evil, and addicts aren't evil, they're the victims, it's the people that sell em and make em and grow em that are the evil ones. But in Terry's case, I'm inclined to support the fact that he should have drugs...if only to keep him sane enough not to kill himself. I worked out a long time ago that Terry, even with the best medication in the world, is never going to be 'normal' in the head. And despite the fact he's a nutcase, and he's nasty and sarcastic when provoked, I love him to bits. And I do worry about him sometimes. He's chosen his lifestyle tho, and he's...well not exactly happy, but content I think is a better description. He's a good guy. No one could ever accuse him of being NICE, but good doesn't have to be nice. He's the right side of the line anyway.

Why can't life ever be simple? Black and white? Right and wrong? Good and Bad? Bad people in prison, good people living happy blissful and safe lives. Fact is, Utopia doesn't exist, and I don't think it ever will... Startrek society with everyone in their place doing their jobs and living the dream isn't going to happen.

Treacle

Yeah so I don't know why I called this post 'Treacle'. I don't even like treacle, and I have certainly not been anywhere near the stuff recently. Surprisingly I do quite like treacle toffee tho...Go figure.
<:AtomicElement>
<:AtomicElement>Bagpuss is giving me funny looks from off the top of my dressing table. He's got really beady eyes, and with his big black yawny mouth open like that it looks like he's hungry and wants to eat me. And yes, I know, it's a cudly stuffed toy...I'm not quite that insane just yet. On the day when I think my cuddly toys are actually trying to get me, I deserve to be locked up.
<:AtomicElement>
<:AtomicElement>Had an email about Download the other day. I really want to go again this year, but I don't know if:

• <:AtomicElement>Anyone else I know is going.
• <:AtomicElement>Gary is able to afford to go
• <:AtomicElement>If he is going, if he's taking her with him.
• <:AtomicElement>If he's not going if I'll be able to get there on the train with all my stuff

<:AtomicElement>I should imagine Terry will want to go. Sam will probably be in prison, Craig will probably be going...But I reckon if Gary doesn't go, then no-one else will, and if Gary takes Her with him, then I can't go. Not with them anyway. Plus last year they were really arsey when I asked if we could camp as close to the pathway as possible because of my eyesight. This year if they try to be arsey again I'll sue em for disability discrimination, as this year I'm registered visually impaired, and I have a white stick (not for beating people with...honest)

<:AtomicElement>

<:AtomicElement>I night go on the website in a bit and see what they have to say about disability etc. There's provision made for people with wheelchairs and other physical disabilities, so why not for people with visual impairments? It's not like I'm asking for a space on the disabled campsite...I'm quite happy to rough it with the rest of the world, just want a little consideration for my disability...I mean have you ever tried to negotiate a crowded campsite in the dark when you're desperate for a wee? Well now imagine what it's like when you can't distinguish tent from shadow, and guy ropes are completely invisible...

<:AtomicElement>

<:AtomicElement>Indeed. It's bad enough in daylight. Last year it was fine up until the point that people kept pitching tents in the gaps between tents, it was like one of those mad MC Escher drawings...you know the one with the birds, where the gaps between the birds turns out to be another bird? Except with tents. And some fucker stole my flags last year too.

<:AtomicElement>

<:AtomicElement>Ohh I want to go to Download. Even tho it will probably be far too hot again, and the rank stink from the 'toilets' was so bad last year it could have felled an elephant from a mile away. I still want to go. Talkin of the toilets...people are vile at festivals... Last year one of the lads went into a cubicle, and some filth bastard had taken a shit in all four corners of the cubicle. Have to say, baby wipes and a scented handkerchief are essential when braving the toilets.

<:AtomicElement>

<:AtomicElement>And despite all this I still want to go.

<:AtomicElement>

<:AtomicElement>Anyone want to come with me?

Lump Part 2

So I went to the doctor. And I feel vey silly for getting so scared and stuff. Aparently the lump is a swollen gland and nothing to worry about. The doctor said if it hasn't gone withing the next week or so, or if I'm worried to go back and see her. She's cewrtain it's nothing sinister and will go by itself.

Stupidity

I've been incredibly stupid. Instead of talking to people and maybe getting help through this stuff, I've pushed them away and hidden from them, out of fear maybe, I don't know...either way I'm making myself ill worrying over this stupid little lump that could be absolutely nothing, and I'm doing it on my own.

I'm an idiot, I know that. I'm bottling up all my emotions, and I'm going nuts. More than ever now I could do with a friend just to give me a hug and tell me things are going to be fine (even if they're not), but as usual Kate's gone a upset everyone, so she's on her own.

I feel sick at the thought of going to the doctor tomorrow. I'll go. It'd be even more stupid not to go. Even if this lump turns out to be nothing, it needs checking out.

But... I'm scared.

I know that lumps are common, and that most of them are benign, and that it's more likely to be a cyst or something like that, and I know my imagination is running wild. But what if it is...cancer? There I've said it. It scares the shit out of me.

I don't want to think about it any more

Change the subject, stop thinking about it...see the doctor and then I can stop worrying.

Sooo, I mended my laptop. Changed the keyboard all by myself. I had been waiting for Gary to fix it, but seeing as he's stopped replying to my texts and answering my calls...well it was going to be a while anyway. He'll be ok. Not that I'm not worried, I worry about him 24/7/52. But he's a big boy, he's got his own life, and if anything had happened to him, his mum has my number, as does his brother Terry. Might givr Terry a call tomorrow anyway.

Anyway, so yeah I replaced the keyboard on my laptop. Was a lot easier than I expected it to be, especially as I can't see particularly well, but I did it, and it works (obviously)...I'm quite proud of myself.

I managed to sort out my windows installer which had gone mad and kept trying to install things that weren't there. Turns out it was looking for the disc that came with my printer. At least I think it was cos it hasn't done it since I whacked the CD in and clicked install updates.

I also sent a snotty email to symantec who make norton antivirus software, and the one I downloaded from them is quite frankly, shite. I've installed it, and tried to get it to work, run the auto fix programs, checked and followed their online self help guides, uninstalled and reinstalled as per instructions, still got the same error messages, spoken to a technical advisor on live chat, had my laptop taken over by remote to try and sort it, been told I need to uninstall, remove symantec registry, reinstall and change some settings, which I did. And hey guess what. It still doesn't fucking work. It's been uninstalled and reinstalled about four or five times now, and I'm getting really pisssed off with it. If they can't fix it this time round I'm getting rid and demanding a refund.

Life is shit. No really, when you look at it, life IS shit. I mean I know I have only got myself to blame for most of it...happiness has to be worked at, and created afterall. I'm just too lazy to be happy. I wish I could just swap places with Terry...do nothing but get stoned all day every day, and not give a shit about anything or anyone... Things would be so much easier that way.

Went to see Aliens vs Predator - Requiem yesterday. It was ok I guess, better than the first AVP, but they'll never make films as good as the original aliens films, I'm including ressurrection in that, cos I liked that one, I know a lot of people didn't like it, but I did.

And today I saw Definately Maybe. Isla Fisher, and Rachel Weisz, and some fella, I'd probably know him if I heard the name...it wasn't bad, bit of a soppy romantic comedy with a cute little girl in it as his daughter. Had a happy ending, but then they always do. I think I'm beginning to form a top ten celebrity shag list in my head, and on it are Isla Fisher, Rachel Weisz, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connolly, Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, Drew Barrimore and of course, the one and only Angelina Jolie. Angelina of course comes top of the list all the time, the others are interchangeable depending on what mood I'm in. And I think it says a lot that 9 of the ten on the list are women, with Johnny Depp being the sole man...And he's not the most manly of men...I mean he's no Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone. Could you see Johnny Depp running round the jungle with a big knife and a bandana, killing nasty aliens or batallions of soldiers? Give me girly emotional men anytime...they are a lot cleaner at any rate, and you won't have to keep washing the blood out of their clothes

Lump

I have a lump.

It could be nothing, but it could be something.

I'm going to get it checked out on monday.

Island

I don't like working on my team. Basically because they are a bunch of two faced vindictive bitches.

I have always had a problem when working with women, in the fact that I feel uncomfortable working with them...Men are fine, men get on with things and have a laugh and a joke and everyone gets along. Womenn, especially youngerwomen I find, are judgemental, over-critical, two faced and nasty.

On my team there are 13 people, Three of whom are men. Paul is lovely, really friendly and chatty, Mike is quiet and works hard, mark is grumpy, but ok, tho I don't think he likes anyone very much...Then the women..Sarah, is nice but has a tendency of giving too much information, for instance aboiut the brazilian...I'm not saying anymore than that. Amanda, who is lovely, and I would marry her if she would have me...not that I've asked her, but I can dream. Jo, currently off sick and one ofthe most innofensive people you could meet, nice to everyone. Jane, also off sick and unlikely to return, quiet and worried and nice.Michelle, the deputy, comes across as nice, bbut talks down to people, bitches about them behind their backs and generally thinks she's better than everyone else. Yvonne,can be nice to your face, but more often than not is just as nasty to your face as she is behind your back. Not a pleasant woman to be around. Ali, the boss...I don't know about her, as on her own she is lovely, good to talk to and compassionate, but in the company of Yvonne and Michelle, she gets drawn in to the bbitching and slagging off. Justine, similar to Ali, but I wouldn't trust her to keep a secret. Cat, a ginger rocker, so we should have stuff in common, but she seems to stick with yvonne and michelle in most things...I believe it has something to do with the mother connection, as ali, cat, michelle, justine, yvonne and sarah all have youngish children.Amanda and I are the only girls on the team without kids, Jane is off all the time so is not well liked by the 'bitches', and they are always slagging sarah off behind her back.

To be honest I'm sick of it all...Me, Amanda and Sarah sit at the end of the desks, and get ignored for the most part...there is the clique of mothers in the middle, and the lads tend to huddle for proyection at the other end of the desks.

It's depressing. Plus my job, even tho I'm getting paid more, is even more boring than the AA stuff I was doing, and because I'm so obsessive compulsive about how I like my work organised, every time I walk past the post and wallet trays at the nd of the desks, my fingers start twitching wanting to sort them out, even tho its temporarily not my job anymore. The other AA's are supposed to be doing the work of keeping the spreadsheets up to date and handing out the work and filing it away, but, I don't know if they are doing it right...I say right, there's not really a right way, just they won't be doing it MY way.

I'm just picky. And I think I've started feeling ann attraction towards Pete, an AA on my command...I was fine until I found out that he's all vulneravle and stuff cos of messy divorce type things going on...It's sick, I'm attracted to vulnerable, damaged men. Why? I have no idea, but it has got to stop. I'm not going to let this silly wobbly moment go anywhere. I doubt Pete would be interested anyway, but even if he was it's not ever going to happen.

And why do people always assume that because your single, that you need setting up with someone? I'm sick of work colleagues telling me I need a man...they don't know me...they don't know what I need or what I want out of life...they see a girl in work, but they barely scratch the surface of who I am inside. I let slip more than I wanted to tonight talking to Ali, let some of my sadness show through a bit, but I doubtvshe noticed much.

This post has rambled quite a lot, and I'd almost forgotten what I'd typed at the top of it, but yeah, in work I am like an island in a sea of fear and insecurity and judgement and bitterness and criticism. I live in my little bubble, hiding myerlf from them all.

The Dreaded Lurgi

Yeah, I've come down with a cold. I've been quite lucky so far this winter and have managed to avoid most of the germs that have been flying round, not this one tho, I'm snotty and snivelley, and sneezy.

It's one of those really annoying colds too...I don't feel particularly ill, just a bit fuzzy headed, and my nose won't stop dripping...it's not one of those satisfying blocked up noses that you can give it a good blow and then be ok for a couple of hours, no, it just constantly drips and runs, so much so that I've currently got hankies stuffed up each nostril to stop it dripping. It's soooo attractive, no wonder I'm single.

The sneezing is good tho, I like a good sneeze.

Apart from the cold, things are much the same. I haven't won the lottery yet, tho possibly may win the 95 million on friday in the euromillions. What would I do with 95 million?

I'd buy a house, do it up to my likig, I'd get all the unwanted hair removed from my body by elecrolysis so that the damned stuff wouldn't grow back. I'd buy a huge country house, and turn it into a rehabilitationn cenntre for average drug addicts... none of this priory malarkey for celebrities with cash...just normal people with normal problems. People like Gary and Sam. Because I believe that the two ends of the scale are well catered for, the rich and famous can afford to pay for their priory's, and the desperately poor and drug-destroyed can get help if they want it from NHSfunded schemes. But having watched him struggle and seeing how desperately he needed somewhere to get away from the temptation, I know the average person needs a refuge to help them get over addiction. So yeah, I'd use a lot of the 95 million to help addicts like that.

And I'd probably bbuy a caribbean island too.

Wrll I can dream

Happy birthday Nain

It was my Nain's birthday today, or would have been had she been alive still. I miss her. I'm going to go and visit her on the 14th, the anniversary of whenn she passed away. I've got her a duck, like last year, I think she would have liked that.

Strangely, I'm getting on with my mum a bit better. I know that she can be annoying, and she treats me likea kid, but I love her all the same, She's my mum, and I've out her through a lot of stress over the years. I'm sorry mum for being such an ungratefyl bitch at times, you wind me up, but you don't deserve some of the things I've said about you. Thank you for loving me. And you too Dad, tho I'm definately not as mean to you... xxx

Went to see sweeney Todd today..it's a musical, and Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter are ace in it... they have to be two of the most bbeautiful people in the world. HBC is agelessly gorgeous.... It's not bad as a film either, worth a watch.

Just one thing before I go, can people not post anonymous comments please, it's slightly irritating, if you post and I know you, leave a name so I knnow who it is, if I don't know you, introduce yourself. Thanks people...I don't mind you commenting, just say who you are!

Anyway, it's late and I'm getting a cold, so I'm off to bed...

Incidentally, I've tried counselling and I hated it, it made me feel worse about myself than I did before. And I refuse to go on antidepressants againn, because I want to be able to actually think, and not feel like I'm not really there. If it's a choice between pills that make you numb, or feeling like this, I'd rather feel like this...Provided I don't start feeling harmful, I'm willing toeide this out. The moment that changes, I'll be hammering on the doctor's door for space-pills...Don't you worry.

Right, I'm really going now... night night.

16 Days

He's been off the stuff for 16 days. Thats the longest he's been off it in 12 months.

I think he's going to be ok now.He is stronger than he thinks he is.

I'm proud of him anyway for getting this far, he deserves to be free.

I dreamed that Ben tried to kill me last night. I went to Sam's flat in my dream, and the door was open, when I went up to his room he was hanging by a rope from the ceiling, still alive, but choking, I went to help get him down, but suddenly Ben was there, he pushed me down and started to strangle me, and I was trying to fight him off, and all I could think was that I had to get to Sam. I could feel the pain in my chest from lack of air, and I attacked his face with my nails, and dug my thumbs into his eyes so he let go and fell backwards down the stairs. I scrambled to my feet, and ran to Sam and cut him down, except it wasn't Sam anymore, it was Ben's girlfriend Taz, and I was too late. Sam was sitting in the corner of the room, rocking backwards and forwards and singing nursery rhymes, and Terry ws painting circles on the walls in blood.

I woke up drenched in sweat trying to shake off the images. It was horrible, terrifying and disturbing.

I think I may need help. I just ate a whole cheesecake.

Falling apart.

can't do any of this any more.

I'm just about finished, just about exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I find myself crying and half the time I don't even know why. I've seen two films this weekend, Penelope, which is a daft modernday dairy tale about a girl with a pig nose who needs some posh guy to marry her to break the curse...needless to say happy endings all round, and I cried all the way through it, tho Christina Ricci (without pig nose) and Reece Witherspoon were damed sexy. And Over Her dead Body, silly romantic comedy abouta Psychic eing haunted by the ghost of her new boyfriend's dead fiancee. Was quite funny, and the psychic looked a bit like Famke Janssen (Jean Grey/Phoenix from X-mrn), and yet I cried all the way through that.

I ended up going to the staff night out on friday, the meal was nice and I had my first strawbery daquiri (if thats how you spell it), got a bit drunk, but not drunk enough to out myself infront of everyone, which can only e a good thing, I don't think me confessing lesbian tendencies would have improved the night. Was home by midnight cos they all decided to come back to Birkenhead, and I refuse to go to any of the scummy, scally infested, chav ridden bars in Birkenhead. Plus, I have a bit of a crush on Amanda who sits next to me, and didn't really want to get too drunk and make a fool of myself, cos she's nice, she has a boyfriend, and I'm staying away from potential relationship situations.

The reason? I'd rather be on my own, lonely, and die surrounded by cats than put myself forward for more pain. I'd rather be on my own than have my heart broken and battered and stamped on and trampled, and torn into tiny pieces and dissolved in acid and have salt and vinegar poured into the gaping bloody wound where my heart used to be. Which is what always happens when I give myself to love. I'm not going to go through that again. I'd rather die alone, because love for me causes nothing ut agony and misery. I've given up on my dreams of a gothic wedding, and a soulmate to share the rest of my life with. The closest thing I found to that was a married man who claimed to love and understand me better than anyone... and look what happened to him, still married, back with his wife, and more fucked up than ever, who says he 'never wants to lose my friendship' and then won't answer my calls or texts.

I'm just bitter and broken. I think I always will be.