Choices

After last nights post, I couldn't sleep. I went to bed, and all I could do was toss and turn, and think about Gary, and counsellors and wanting to be able to help people, and not feeling valued and not making the slightest bit of difference to anyone where I work, feeling totally under valued and pointless, and wanting to do something worth while with my life. Pretty deep shit for 2 am, no wonder I couldn't sleep. And I got to thinking about counselling, and how I have pretty much been a voluntary cousellor for Gary, and Terry, and Sam and some of my other friends who have need to talk about stuff, and I decided that what I really want to do with my life is help people. As I've already said, if I win the lottery, I am going to open a drug rehabilitation centre. But thats a dream that I can't attain without a lot of money to spend out on things like premises etc first. I don't have that cash to hand at the moment, so the next best thing is to try and help people in a less flambuoyant way.

So I got out of bed, and I went back on my laptop, and I looked up counselling courses anf guess what I found? I can go back to college, one night a week, at Wirral Met college, conway park campus which is right by work, and I can do an introduction to counselling skills course, for 11 weeks for the princely sum of £33 enrolment and £85 tuition fees.

It starts at the end of April, either on a wednesday or a thursday evening, 6pm til 9pm. And if I like it, if I think that I'm up to doing the job, if they think I'm up to it then I can go on and do a foundation counselling course, also at conway park, also one night a week for 12 months starting in september. It's a step in the right direction I think. I feel like I have a goal to work towards now, instead of sitting in an office all day and wishing my life away.

I didb't get to sleep until 5am. But I woke up feeling more hopeful and excited about my life than I had in a long time.

It's true, a positive step can do you the world of good. And don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping the gun, and planning my whole future on the strength of one decision. I know I might not suit the course, or it might not suit me, I might find it dismally boring, or just not be the right person for that kind of job, but at least I'm willing to give it a try, I've founf dome motivation to actually gey up off my fat lazy arse and try and do something about this deep, dark rut that I have fallen into. Even if I don't go on to do the foundation counselling course, I will get a minor counselling qualification under my belt that can only help me in my life and possibly in my work in the future.

I feel good about this decision. I think it could be the right time for me to do something like this, and I'm not going to let my own laziness and self pity get in my way.

Thank you Chris for commenting yesterday. I know what you're getting at, but you don't know how much it does help when people comment, even if it's just a smily face, or a brief telling off for being stupid, or just a 'hello, I'm here'. It doesn't matter. At least I know that someone is out there, taking notice. And I only realised this when I read your comment. When I scrolled down and saw the little 1 comments link, and it nade me feel.... I dunno, better. Even though you sounded really pisssed off in your comment.

I know this blog is full of bitching and moaning and ranting and moaning and self pity. I know sometimes...a lot of the time...it doesn't make very pleasant reading, it's the only outlet I have. I need to work through this in my own way, at my own pace, and by my own means. Self awareness is the key to happiness I think, and I just feel like I can't find self awareness if I'm drugged up to the eyeballs on antidepressants. I might be wrong, I don't know, but thats how I feel at the moment. I feel like I need to ask myself the right questions and find out for myself where my strengths lie and work through my emotions with my self. Like self-counselling. This blog is going a long way to doing that.

Besides, I know what my problems are, there are no hidden meanings or buried secrets, I know exactly what's making me miserable, and I can't do anything about most of it. But I can do something about my purpose in life. I can change the things that need changing, like my self-value and my job and my health. The things I can't change, like other people's lives and and other people's situations, I just have to accept, help them through whatever they need to do as much as I can, but take a step back and let them get on with it without trying to change things I can't. It's hard, it's difficult and nasty and it makes you feel helpless and useless and unworthy a lot of the time, but in the end, everyone has their own life to lead and their own path to follow, and you have to let them walk that path. It might mean losing friends or seeing them make mistakes that you just can't stop. But in the end it's their choice. Like it's got to be my choice to find happiness.

And I'll get there in the end, I know I will.

Tis was only meant to be a short post, and it's tuned into another epic. I guess I had more to say than I thought I did, anyway it's a little more up beat and positive than the last one. I'm not there yet, and I reckon there'll be a dew more self depricating, cynical, defeatist posts to come in the future, I can't just get better oveer night, and with my eye operation coming up, I reckon there'll be a dew down days between now and then, but I think I've got one foot on the right path at least now. Wish me luck on my journey.

Oh and go see The Bucket List, another heart breaking, hysterically funny film starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, and God do they look OLD now. I suppose they must be getting on in years now those two. They've still got fantastic screen presence tho. It's a good film. Take the hankies with you tho. And I'm not really giving anything away by saying that as the first line of the film is 'insert name here died on date...etc' Ok so thats not the first line word for word, obviously there was a name and a date, I just can't remember what they were.

Anyway I'm off to bed now.