Hopeless dreams

Health, happiness and life without pain...thats all I want. Maybe some more money and a house of my own where I can be me without any aggro. Space to breathe and think my own thoughts, someone to love who isn't going to desert me or treat me like shit, Some one who loves ne for me and who isn't so fucked up they're incapable of having a relationship. A paint studio where I can dawb colour on canvas to my heart's content, A library filled with my own taste in books, and an office to write my own stories and novels. A life that's worth being proud of, not a mess that shoudn't have happened. Freinds close by that I can rely on, and who can rely on me. Sam not to go to prison, Terry to find someone to love him and help him find peace. G ary to be free from his pain and his fear.

Take my friend, Sarah. She is 21. She thinks she knows how the world works. She has her opinions, and she's entitled to those opinions...it doesn't matter that I think they are...not wrong exactly, just a bit too close minded, naive perhaps is a better word. She's not bigotted or anything like that, she just has strong views. For instance Terry. She's met Terry, she doesn't know him particularly well, but she 's met him. I asked her if she knew who her mum got weed off...she smokes it for her back, and Terry needs a new supply before he goes nuts.. Anyway she didn't know, but that aside, she wasn't sympathetic when I told her what it was for. She said it was his own fault, that if he hadn't smoked weeed for most of his life he wouldn't be in the state he is now. I don't entirely agree...Terry's life took a nose dive a long time ago, with health problems (sarcoidosis) that nearly blinded him, a very bitter divorce, and a bitch of an ex wife that tried to stop him seeing his daughter by telling people he'd abused her.. Terry loves his daughter. I'm not saying he's an excellent role model, but he loves her, and she's old enough now to mke her own decisions about her father. She's eighteen now, and is a beautiful young woman. Terry is really proud of her. But the thing is, Terry has had a difficult time, he's mentally unstable, suffers from acute depression and is under a counsellor. All in all I think he's given up on ever finding happiness. Sarah doesn't knoww any of this. She just sees a guy lost in his own stoner world, and assumes he's like that because of the weeed. Maybe the weed doesn't help him much, but it keeps him sane enough not to kill himself. And he's been there before.

Also I'm fuming today. Gary's been to a couple of rehab places yeasterday and today to see what they're like etc. Hid mate Ivan took him. What I want to know is...WHERE THE FUCK WAS HIS WIFE???

I'm sorry, but I know how hard it is for Gary at the moment, and I don't fucking live with him. OK yeah she works, so do I. And I damn well wouldn't have let him go to those places without me there to give him some support if I'd been his fucking wife. Two days...I'd have taken two days unpaid fucking leave if I had to so that I could be there for him. And tonight he's home alone. Drunk off his face because she's gone out. He ranfg me not long ago. He was upset, you could hear it in his voice, and he was pissed, and I asked how it went at the rehab place, and he didn't want to talk about it, so I know it probably didn't go too well, and that he's scared and worried, and it breaks my heart to think of him going through this apparently on his own. I mean I'm not dissing Ivan, he's a damned good friend and a really great bloke. Just what does Angela think she's doing?

I'm of course jumping to conclusions again. He might have refused her company on the trip or something. I'm unconvinced that that is what happenned tho. From what Gary has told me about her, she's very good at the practical sides of things but not so good at the emotional side of things. I'm the other way around...what he really needs is someone in between both of us..a kind of Kagela or Angate...both of which sound like brands of pile cream, so perhaps not.

I wish I could have been there for him tho. He's going to have to be in rehab for at least three months. It's going to be torture for him. And he'll miss Sam's court date too.. I miss him. And I miss Sam too, I haven't spoken to him in nearly four weeks. Gary has given me his new mobile number now so I will give him a call tomorrow.

There's far too much shit going on at the moment. I've been in tears all day on a nd off. Joy left work today. She is a lovely woman and I'll miss having her around the office, cheering everyone up. So we went to the pub after work and got plastered. I love Joy, She's great.

And damn it I seem to be still slightly attracted to Pete. Yrah the guy with the messy divorce procedings etc...I don't know what it is about me and almost divorcee's... First there was Jack, ok so technically he was an out and out affair cos he had no intention of leaving his wife not at that point anyway (sorry Jack but you didn't honey), then Gary, the lovely, sexy separated but not divorced man who I love with all my heart, Matt, who I kinda had a bit of a thing for cos he was nice to me about my eyes, and was also mid divorce and therefore not remotely interested in having a fling with the blind girl. And then there's Pete, a nice but shy guy on my wing ( never a good idea, made worse by the fact that he's mid divorce, and he fancies someone else.) I certainly pick em.

Anyway, it's a leap year this year so I'm allowed to ask someone to marry me..cos the girls allowed to ask on a leap year...if I ask enough people, one of them is bound to say yes!