Stupidity

I've been incredibly stupid. Instead of talking to people and maybe getting help through this stuff, I've pushed them away and hidden from them, out of fear maybe, I don't know...either way I'm making myself ill worrying over this stupid little lump that could be absolutely nothing, and I'm doing it on my own.

I'm an idiot, I know that. I'm bottling up all my emotions, and I'm going nuts. More than ever now I could do with a friend just to give me a hug and tell me things are going to be fine (even if they're not), but as usual Kate's gone a upset everyone, so she's on her own.

I feel sick at the thought of going to the doctor tomorrow. I'll go. It'd be even more stupid not to go. Even if this lump turns out to be nothing, it needs checking out.

But... I'm scared.

I know that lumps are common, and that most of them are benign, and that it's more likely to be a cyst or something like that, and I know my imagination is running wild. But what if it is...cancer? There I've said it. It scares the shit out of me.

I don't want to think about it any more

Change the subject, stop thinking about it...see the doctor and then I can stop worrying.

Sooo, I mended my laptop. Changed the keyboard all by myself. I had been waiting for Gary to fix it, but seeing as he's stopped replying to my texts and answering my calls...well it was going to be a while anyway. He'll be ok. Not that I'm not worried, I worry about him 24/7/52. But he's a big boy, he's got his own life, and if anything had happened to him, his mum has my number, as does his brother Terry. Might givr Terry a call tomorrow anyway.

Anyway, so yeah I replaced the keyboard on my laptop. Was a lot easier than I expected it to be, especially as I can't see particularly well, but I did it, and it works (obviously)...I'm quite proud of myself.

I managed to sort out my windows installer which had gone mad and kept trying to install things that weren't there. Turns out it was looking for the disc that came with my printer. At least I think it was cos it hasn't done it since I whacked the CD in and clicked install updates.

I also sent a snotty email to symantec who make norton antivirus software, and the one I downloaded from them is quite frankly, shite. I've installed it, and tried to get it to work, run the auto fix programs, checked and followed their online self help guides, uninstalled and reinstalled as per instructions, still got the same error messages, spoken to a technical advisor on live chat, had my laptop taken over by remote to try and sort it, been told I need to uninstall, remove symantec registry, reinstall and change some settings, which I did. And hey guess what. It still doesn't fucking work. It's been uninstalled and reinstalled about four or five times now, and I'm getting really pisssed off with it. If they can't fix it this time round I'm getting rid and demanding a refund.

Life is shit. No really, when you look at it, life IS shit. I mean I know I have only got myself to blame for most of it...happiness has to be worked at, and created afterall. I'm just too lazy to be happy. I wish I could just swap places with Terry...do nothing but get stoned all day every day, and not give a shit about anything or anyone... Things would be so much easier that way.

Went to see Aliens vs Predator - Requiem yesterday. It was ok I guess, better than the first AVP, but they'll never make films as good as the original aliens films, I'm including ressurrection in that, cos I liked that one, I know a lot of people didn't like it, but I did.

And today I saw Definately Maybe. Isla Fisher, and Rachel Weisz, and some fella, I'd probably know him if I heard the name...it wasn't bad, bit of a soppy romantic comedy with a cute little girl in it as his daughter. Had a happy ending, but then they always do. I think I'm beginning to form a top ten celebrity shag list in my head, and on it are Isla Fisher, Rachel Weisz, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connolly, Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, Drew Barrimore and of course, the one and only Angelina Jolie. Angelina of course comes top of the list all the time, the others are interchangeable depending on what mood I'm in. And I think it says a lot that 9 of the ten on the list are women, with Johnny Depp being the sole man...And he's not the most manly of men...I mean he's no Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone. Could you see Johnny Depp running round the jungle with a big knife and a bandana, killing nasty aliens or batallions of soldiers? Give me girly emotional men anytime...they are a lot cleaner at any rate, and you won't have to keep washing the blood out of their clothes