Destroyer of souls

So, I broke up with Allan.
That's two, possibly three hearts brokn in almost as many weeks.
I feel like the worst bitch in the world ever.
Maybe Pete was right.
The hardest thing to take was the fact that Allan was so nice about it. It's not my fault he say's, tho it blatantly is.
He's never met anyone as nice as me.
I'm the first person who cared about him, as well as the first person he has cared about so much.

He doesn't know me very well.

And chris was right, I've hurt him, and I've hurt myself.

Strange Urges

I have the urge to ring Pete up and tell him I miss him.
I have the urge to eat huge amounts of cheese.
I have the urge to strip naked and roll around on the carpet in front of the fire.
I have the urge to set up my tent in the garden and camp out there all week.
I have the urge to buy a kitten and call it Mephistopheles, or McCavity.
I have the urge to phone Sarah and tell her I love her.
I have the urge to melt plastic.
I have the urge to make cookies.
I have the urge to buy a kiln and make pottery.
I have the urge to write down all the things I hate and all the things I love and try and make myself love the things I hate as much as I love the things I love.
I have the urge to call Allan and tell him it will never work.
I have the urge to eat lots of custard.
I have the urge to go out and dance all night.
I have the urge to drink an entire bottle of aftershock.
I have the urge to buy a vibrator.
I have the urge to find something important in my life and cling to it.
I have the urge to do something dangerous.
I have the urge to roll down a steep hill.
I have the urge to do quasar.
I have the urge to smoke pot til I'm so stoned I can't see.
I have the urge to design a calendar.
I have the urge to go to the Krazy House and pull the sexiest lady I can find.
I have the urge to find happiness.
I have the urge to understand.
I have the urge to read everything ever written.
I have the urge to write a novel.
I have the urge to be true to myself.
I have the urge to be selfish, to stop worrying about everyone else and think of myself for a change.
I have the urge to Kiss Joey again.
I have the urge to go to Pete's, give him a huge hug and tell him everything will be alright.
I have the urge to phone all my friends, just to say hi.
I have the urge to cook broccoli.
I have the urge to scribble on a big sheet of paper.
I have the urge to make hand and foot paintings.
I have the urge to do something incredibly messy with paint.
I have the urge to run around naked in the mountains.
I have the urge to get a boob job.
I have the urge to swim naked in a warm sea.
I have the urge to move to the middle of nowhere by myself.
I have the urge to find peace.
I have the urge to become an artist and live in a sunny bay.
I have the urge to sleep for a hundred years.
I have the urge to become celibate.
I have the urge to become promiscuous.
I have the urge to get a puppy.
I have the urge to watch cartoons.
I have the urge to make a film about a city in the desert.
I have the urge to smuggle diamonds.
I have the urge to play manic miner.
I have the urge to marry.
I have the urge to grow poppies.
I have the urge to do bonsai trees.
I have the urge to touch silk.
I have the urge to make a full size drawing of myself and make it into a cardboard cut out.
I have the urge to build a robot.
I have the urge to smaell lavendar.
I have the urge to be safe.
I have the urge to play chess.
I have the urge to do jigsaws.
I have the urge to love somebody.

Cats and Virgins

The cat is called Thomas. He is Allan's cat and he's kinda cute except for miaowing all night.
So yeah, I spent the night at his cos his mum and sister were away, and now he's not...
And now I feel badabout it all because...
a) the fool thinks he loves me
b) I don't love him, and to be honest can't see myself loving him (you know when you just get that feeling in the first few days/weeks...like I knew I loved Pete within about 24 hours...was a feeling of ...rightness...that just isn't there with Allan...he's a lovely, sweet guy, and he cares a lot...but...well yeah...thats about it.
c) I miss Pete. I know, I know, I know. Don't look at me like that, I know what you're thinking...make up your mind girl. I miss him tho, not in a boyfriend kinda way...though I'm beginning to think I do still love him in a weird kinda way...more that I miss the talks and just being in his company, even the petty stuff and the jealousy, and him getting drunk and possessive. I haven't heard from him in 3 days, which is what I thought I wanted, and I even miss the anger and the bitching and the slagging me off that has been the only thing between us for the last fortnight. I think I'm going mad.

Lord of War

Sooo. Good film, thought provoking and kinda frigtening in an 'Oh Jesus God, this actually happens' kinda way. I like Nicholas Cage too.
Then Stairways for a short brief while. Haven't been for years. And it's still the same, still full of children playing at adults, all thats changed is they've painted the toilets purple and black. Met Richard (our local friendly barman from the cherry orchard), and Sarah's ex, Neil in there...Danced a little bit, then started getting memory fatigue...remembering all the times we used to go there...Clare and Charley and Beth and Chris and Pete Ikin, and Phil Sanderson, and Lee (sad bastard) Brewer. And then I started thinking about Pete and how Stairways was the first time I ever kissed him when I was 18, and it made me a bit sad, so we had to go.
Talking of Pete he texted me this morning, to tell me to ignore the emails he sent me yesterday, he was angry and it was all lies. I was quite glad he'd sent that after I read them...'you don't realise why you don't have any friends except the ones who want to get into your knickers'. To be honest, I laughed. And then I thought about it some more, and I realised in the majority of cases it's actually true. Apart from a few friends who I've known for years, a lot of my mates would like to sleep with me (or are in love with me...one or the other, or perhaps both). I didn't understand really why that was such a bad thing...doesn't that generally imply that I'm a great friend who is also really attractive? But now I've thought about it a bit more and started doing this blog entry, I realise what he actually meant was that people are only my friends because they want to sleep with me, and not because they actually want to be friends with me.
That is blatantly not true, cos people who have asked me and I have said no to, are still my friends, if sex was all that they were after, they'd have deserted me a long time ago. God it sounds like I've got offers of sex coming at me from all directions...I haven't...the occasional one I guess, but not many.

Why???

There are 3 men (that I know of) in this world who are in love with me. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, but it's true, they've told me. True one of them hates my guts too and can't stand the sight of me, but it's only because he loves (loved?) me too much. I don't understand.
It's a horrible feeling knowing that people are hurting because of you, not because of anything you've done specifically, but just because of who you are. Think I'm going to run away to an island and live on my own for the rest of my life away from everyone and anyone.

Calm after the storm.

I am somewhat ashamed of my outbursts yesterday...maybe a little unfair? Maybe not, but I still feel that I should have been a bit more in control.
Anyway, I think it's all out of my system now, all the anger and bitterness...we'll see.
Allan, well, he looks after me and makes me feel good about myself. It's odd, I didn't expect to feel...well I'm not going to say love because thats a bit extreme right now...attracted to someone this soon after Pete. And when I did I kinda expected it to be a woman, but well, I feel safe and kinda right. He's taken me on, scars and all.

FUCK!
I am so angry.
I will never get to sleep, I just want to smash stuff.
It makes me sick that I actually hurt myself because of that lying two faced cunt.
its all 'I have a new job, how have you been? What are you going to do now?' to my face and then 'hate hate bitch bitch' behind my back.
The nasty little bastard claims he loves me!
Right...since when has loving someone meant making them as miserable as you possibly can...intentionally.
Oh yes I agree, I made him miserable, but not intentionally, I worried about him constantly and cared how he was and he gets his own back by acting like his mates are betraying him by talking to him, and slagging me off and lying about me to friends.
He's a spiteful, vindictive asshole, and he doesn't deserve my sympathy or my pain and misery.

fury

THE FUCKING CUNT.
How dare he?
I feel like ringing the FUCKER up and screaming at him down the phone.
He has no fucking right.
Well he can hate me as much as he fucking likes, it's nowhere near the amount of hate, disgust and contempt I feel for him.
And I hope the twat reads this too.
Does he think that acting like a complete, childish cunt is going to make me love him again?
And to think I have been worrying about him and how he's doing.

Well done on your promotion you fucker, I hope you work yourself to death.

And as of today I'm seeing Allan. He actually cares about my happiness and not just about his own.

I hope I never see you again.

Confusion and forward thinking

So, yeah.
I'm feeling better today...still revolted by my self indulgent stupid behaviour, but better. Am trying to be more positive.
Had a long convo with Allan today...explained that I'm not interested in a relationship with him because my feelings are so confused and my head is wrecked. He said he'd wait for me to sort myselfout, because 'I'm worth waiting for'. Bloody men. I don't want him to wait for me, I don't want anything from him. But it's his choice so what am I supposed to do about it. One of the things him and Pete have in common...stubborness and being in love with me...bastards.

Talking of Pete I had a brief textconvo with him today. Which HE STARTED. I was content to leave him alone,to get his head together and stuff.

And it seems it's my fault. All my fault.

I should leave him alone apparently, even if he contacts me first. Well thank you for your advice Joey. I really feel like people are not taking sides...not.
Pete os the injured party...I'm the unfeeling bitch that dumped him. Yeah thats about right...I have no feelings in this matter,I don't miss him at all, I don't care or feel hurt by all this...I don't cry myself to sleep every fucking night and wake up every morning wishing I hadn't.

Pete isn't the only injured party in this. I hurt too.

Pete, if you read this I'm not directing it at you, I know what you're going through, I've been through it, I'm not trying to belittle your pain or detract from your suffering. I am more than sorry for how things have turned out, and I know you need as much support as you can get.

I need support too.

Extreme stupidity and selfishness.

This afternoon I took too much insulin.
It made me very sick and I collapsed on the landing with one of the worst hypoglycaemic attacks I have ever had. I was screaming with hallucinations and my Mum and Dad had to hold me down and force feed me glucose until I was lucid enough to to be abe to eat.
I am extremely unproud of myself. I frightened them badly and I'm deeply ashamed and disgusted at my total selfishness, it's unforgivable.
They don't know exactly why I had the hypo. It's the last time I will ever do anything so stupid and thoughtless and wrong.
Self harm is one thing, doing it when it has that effect on other people is entirely different. If they hadn't been there I could have died.
I disgust myself, and I despise myself for doing it.
Never again.
There are no excuses, no reasonable explainations, as Pete said on friday...I am a selfish bitch. Proof at last.

:::sigh:::

Allan has texted me about 15 times this morning.
He seems to think I need checking up on every two minutes and looking after, and it's really irritating. Don't get me wrong, I think it's really nice of him and very sweet and all that, but sometimes I wish he'd just leave me alone to get on with it and sort everything out in my own head.
And now I feel like I'm being bitchy saying that...is only cos he cares after all.

Ahhh fucking men!

Think I'm gonna sack em all off and be a total lesbian...has got to be easier than this...

Allan part 3

Last night was a mistake.
When I got off the computer last night, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
I met Allan on the bus this morning on the way to work and explained to him that I'm not up for a relationship, that I am too confused. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore, and I can't deal with seeing anyone this soon after breaking up with pete. He seemed ok about it, and I was fairly...normal..in work (I can't really say happy, cos happy isn't a good description of how I feel at the moment). And then 'I really hate you. I wish I never met you and I wish I was dead' arrived on my phone from Pete. He read my blog of course, even tho he said he wasn't going to read it anymore because it upsets him. Well it upsets me too, because he reacts like that...he then (after I emailed him to explain that he couldn't possibly hate me as much as I hate myself, and what happened later with me and Allan) told me I was 'full of bullshit' and that I was 'a selfish bitch' and that he should have 'got rid of me a long time ago like people said he should'.

The thing about Pete is he gets angry, and when he's angry he knows exactly what to say to cause the maximum amount of hurt and pain, it's all carefully calculated to be as Vicious and vindictive as possible, and to make me feel the worst I possibly can. When I'm angry, I hold back. I don't say things I want to because I hate hurting people...even when I'm totally furious and explosively angry I don't let go enough to spout vitriolic nastiness. Although I did during our email argument, point out that I had only kissed Allan, and not slept with him unlike Pete has done on two occasions...once with the random fat slapper, once with Tasha, which I suspect he planned all along. And then he took Jackie home with him last saturday...he claims he didn't sleep with her, but I only have his word for that. I'm afraid I did refer to poor Jackie as his 'internet slapper' which I deeply regret...it's not her fault after all.

I have to admit that the whole episode depressed me. I was lower today than I think I have ever felt...so much so I wished I had a blade with me so I could hurt myself. It got to the point where I frightened myself by thinking of it. Allan and Sarah helped me through it just by being there and making me feel like I wasn't so alone. I didn't get a lot of work done, and I was so upset and depressed Allan wouldn't leave me on my own...he came to the doctors with me to get a prescription then walked me to the gym to renew my membership. And then he dragged me to the cinema. I wanted to go home and sleep (preferably never to wake up) but he wouldn't take no for an answer. So we went to see Corpse Bride. It was really good and cheered me up no end.

Only one problem with Allan, and that is I think he might be falling in love with me. I can't deal with that right now. I don't want him to love me because I know if he does I'll just end up breaking his heart and hurting him badly like I did to Pete. I can't have another broken heart on my concience. One is destroying me...two would kill me. I'm so scared of how he feels.

Allan Part 2

Ok. I realised that I'm kinda attracted to him. Allan that is. And he likes me too. And he came and sat opposite me today and ate banana's and sucked lollypops. It was a weird day. And then we went to the pub. And we had a long talk, four and a half hours of long talk, and I told him everything...how I feel about Pete, what I do to myself when I'm depressed, everything. It felt good to talk to him.
And we kissed. Quite a lot. And it felt good, and kinda bad at the same time because of Pete and stuff...it's only been a week since we split up properly, and this is gonna hurt him even more.
It sounds quite bad...like maybe Allan was taking advantage of me, but it's not like that at all...he's sweet and gentle and the shyest guy I've ever met, and I wanted to kiss him before he even tried, so..yeah well. A very odd day.
Allan knows about me, and knows I'm fragile and what I've been going through recently, so it's not like I'm leading him on or anything, or I haven't told him stuff that could affect us. He knows what he's got himself into, and we get on...amazingly well. So yeah...weirdness all round.

Allan

Yesterday I was really really fucking depressed. And I woke up for work this morning and was really depressed, and that kinda followed me about all day. And then Allan at work, who worries about me gave me a big hug and made me feel better. He's such a sweetie, and he does good hugs. Not as good as Pete's used to be but I guess...well Pete hugs are gone now, at least for a good long while I reckon, thats if he ever forgives me for breaking his heart. But Allan hugs are the next best thing.

I can't do this

agony

I ache.
Everywhere.
My body aches, my heart aches and my soul aches.
I can't sleep.
I feel like a complete bitch still.
I need to feel pain to even register anything.
Living isn't so good as it was, but it will get better.

I will feel something again.
I will live again instead of just existing.

Endings

S last night I went to see ooster live in concert. It was a good gig, and the support band 'The Upper Room' were good too. After that we went to the Krazy house. Me, Hab, Pete and Jackie, who is a friend of Petes.
While in the Kray, I ot a bit drunk, finally ended things properly with Pete, had a few panic attacks, cried a lot, got even more drunk and felt like a complete bitch. Me and Hab talked a bit about various things. Then I realised that Pete had taken a pill, and that upset me all the more because he only does that when he's really upset. Towards the end of the night, Jackie, who blatantly has fancied Pete for ages decided to jump on him. He didn't fight her off even tho he's professed not to be interested in her for the last week or so when I've mentioned it. I guess either the pill or the head fucking that I gave him forced him into it. I hope he doesn't hurt her just because he's upset with me, or about me or whatever. I feel very guilty and not very nice, telling him that I don't love him anymore, when I know ho he feels about me, and I know he took Jackie home with him and that she really likes him and it will probably all end in tears and now I kinda feel responsible for that as well. Like everything is my fault. Even tho I was only doing what was right, like I can't pretend anymore that it's going to be alright and that I'm going to fall in love with him again. So it's better that I'm not with him at all. He said he would always be there for me. But then he went and got pilled and sat in front of me with Jackie all over eachother, so I don't know what's going on in his head. Strangely, it didn't really bother me that he was shoving her in my face...I think if it hadn't been just then they would make a cute couple, but I'm just worried for him, and her that they are setting themselves up for a lot of heartache. I can't interfere. It's none on my business, and it's partly my doing anyway...What am I supposed to do? shout at him for being upset and doing stupid stuff? We all do it. I self harm, he sleeps with random women...it's all self destruction.

The weeping tree

Walking cross country in the netherworld was a risky business. Eirlys, before she had left her homeworld, had studied books and scrolls on the subject, but she knew that all she had read barely scratched the surface of what dwelled here. Still, she knew to avoid the frequent marshy bogs that oozed in lowland dips and exuded their noxious mists to cover the Marsh Skitters that lived there. She skirted them carefully, warily; other creatures hid in the mud, even more deadly than the spindly, fanged Skitters. At one point, as she quickly crept past a mudhole, a huge tentacle swept out at her, narrowly missing her legs as it flailed, questing, searching for prey. She hurried away and escaped unharmed. At other times she had to hide in the scrubby grasses as huge beasts lumbered past, or lithe catlike lizards that prowled restlessly among the brush. Each day that passed brought new dangers and little progress toward the line of hills in the distance. Hunger and thirst were not a problem in the spirit world, but cold was. Her soul was constantly chilled in the heatless land, and her hope and confidence slowly seeped away.
At last she came to a trail, little more than a track that curved towards the hills, but it made her going slightly easier and gave her something to concentrate on besides the distant landscape. She trod it gratefully and followed it's undulating path. Atop a small rise she paused, looking down at the scene below. There stood a majestic tree unlike any from her own world or of Zephyr's. Its bark was smooth and golden, its leaves broad and blood red. Its branches lifted high to the dark sky above and moved gently tho there was no wind. As she walked the path towards it, Eirlys felt a great calm settle over her and a sudden weariness. She wanted so much to stop and rest for a while, under the gently waving bows of the beautiful tree. She resisited the urge to stop, needing to make as much progress as she could, and moved on past the tree. As she passed it, and walked further up the path she heard crying and turned to look. There was a small child sitting behind the tree, his back against the trunk, his furred head and arms dishevelled and matted with mud and tears. She paused for a moment, and then, taking pity on the poor soul, returned to crouch before him. The boy looked up at her with huge bulbous eyes and in that instant she knew she had made a terrible mistake. Before she could move an inch, the tree had her, it's limbs whipping down to entangle her arms and legs and lifting her high into the branches. Now she saw the tree as it really was, it's golden bark a rotting putrid mass of writhing maggots that fed on the blood that dripped and ran from its leaves, leaves that were made of the torn fleah of its victims. Eirlys screamed helplessly, gagging on the stench of death that surrounded the tree and its master. The little boy stood up slowly, uncoiling its body and twisting its serpentine self around the tree until its head was level with hers.
'Welcome to the Weeping Tree.' It breathed, it's forked tongue flickering in and out, tasting her fear, it's pale eyes studying her with evil intent.
'Let me go.' Eirlys pleaded, tears streaming down her face. The snake laughed.
'I will let you go when you have fed the tree, when your soul is sent to the void in eternal torment and your flesh has withered to nothing.' It bared its fangs in a grin of pure malice.
'Your pain will be exquisite.' He slid away as the tree's limbs began to pull. Eirlys began to scream anew.

The marsh

The plain was not as flat as it first looked from the hillside, but undulated gently in a series of low hills. The road was poor, quickly deteriorating into a rubbly, uneven track of broken, black stone that swept away from Zephyr as she picked her way down it. The going was hard and she was soon tired, but she pushed on relentlessly until she reached the top of a low rise and could go no further, then she sat on a coarse grassy hummock, pulled her knees up to rest her chin on them and gazed down in the direction she was travelling. Towards the bottom of the hill a thick mist swirled, obscuring the road from view. Zephyr shivered, chills running down her spine as though icy fingers had touched her. She hated the look of the mist, it curled strangely and eerie shapes appeared and disappeared in its miasmic depths. She eyed the mist warily as she rested, then when she could put it off no longer she stood and stepped down into it. Immediately the chill of it's touch froze her to the bone, but she continued on, slowly and cautiously until it covered her head. It was blinding. She could barely see the road surface beneath her feet as she stepped forward. Each careful step was frightening, she could be walking towards a chasm and not know anything about it until she wandered off the edge. The thought made her stop short.
'Don't stop, they're behind you.' The growling voice made her spin round in terror, searching for the source. A huge shadow loomed next to her and she screamed, stumbling backwards.
'Not that way!' She heard the voice cry out as her foot slipped from the road into thick oozing mud. She tried to pull free, but it held her fast, sucking at her leg as she struggled. She looked down to try and see, and lost her balance, slipping to her knees in the cloying black mud. Instantly she was stuck, hands and legs held firmly in the tar-like substance. She could feel it pulling at her, sucking her deeper and she struggled harder to free herself. Her strength fading she barely had energy enough to scream when two huge clawed hands reached down and wrapped themselves around her waist. She went limp in the creatures grip as the hands roughly jerked her from the sucking mud, threw her over it's back and loped quickly away along the road. Barely conscious Zephyr was only partly aware of the journey out of the mist, her eyes half closed and delirious with exhaustion and terror she did not notice the spiderlike, yellow-eyed creatures that skittered after them. Her rescuer did and increased his pace until he was grunting and snarling with exertion. Still the creatures came, their spindly limbs gripping the rocky road and launching them forwards with frightening speed. They chattered maddeningly as they chased and bared razor sharp teeth that were a poisonous grey colour. The beast roared his frustration and pushed himself harder to escape the pursuers. There were hundreds of them and they now flowed from the black mud on either side too. Ahead the mist thinned and he howled in despair...the road was blocked with more of the tiny, vicious animals, venom dripping from their fangs as they grinned in triumph at him. As he neared the edge of their ranks he gave a huge bellow and launched himself high, over the creatures' heads, over every one of them and through the last dregs of the mist to the safety of the road beyond. The insectile beasts hissed and chittered in dismay, their yellow eyes glaring hungrily from the edge of the mist. Then they melted away and were gone. The beast lifted Zephyr from his back and dumped her unceremoniously on the hard ground, collapsing into a slump next to her, his massive chest heaving. He prodded her with a claw and grunted when she didn't respond.
'Stupid girl.' He growled to himself, dragging himself to his feet and moving away up the path. After a second he stopped and looked back towards the unconscious, helpless woman lying in the middle of the road. He thought about the dangers and creatures that dwelled in the underworld; that preyed on the innocent and unwary.
'Once you would have been one of them.' He grumbled to himself as he turned back and scooped her up into his heavily muscled arms.
'Now you're just a fool just like her. A fool for innocence and a pretty face.'

google games

Ok I got an email today...do this it's really funny....

Go on to GOOGLE

Type in 'Failure'

Click on 'I'm feeling lucky'

Piss yourself laughing

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Shooting star

Eirlys opened her eyes slowly, dragging her sluggish thoughts from the darkness where they had hidden. She lay motionless for a long time, summoning the strength to raise her face from the gritty surface it rested on. Whe she did so, her head spun, making her feel nauseous, but she dragged her body into a sitting position before stopping to rest. After a few moments she lifted her head and glanced around at the featureless grey landscape. Her lips curled in a humourless smile of satisfaction. She had made it to the netherworld in one piece. She looked around more carefully, sudden concern giving her energy.
"Zephyr?" She scrambled to her feet and scanned the ground once more, desperate for a glimpse of the girl's red-gold hair. There was no sign of her. Eirlys went cold. Where was she? Had she been lost before Eirlys had stepped through the gate? Or was she trapped in the void between worlds?
Eirlys, Help me! The voiced carried to her on the air, hauntingly frightened and achingly distant, it seemed to come from every direction.
"Zephyr!" Eirlys spun round frantically searching for a clue to the direction the cry had come from.
"Zephyr where are you?" She screamed into the dull lifeless air. There was no reply.
A sudden gust of icy wind whipped through Eirlys' fur, chilling her, and she looked to the sky in despair.
"I've lost her." She whispered to herself. tears pouring from her liquid green eyes and streaking the pale skin of her face. Through her tears she saw a light flash in the darkness above and watched it as it streaked down towards the earth. Just for an instant it illuminated a line of hills in the far distance before it was extinguished. Eirlys' breath caught in her throat. A sign! The sign of a soul being cast from the void into the netherworld. She hardly dared to hope as she set out across the grey expanse toward the hills. Doubts niggled at her mind, that maybe she was going the wrong way, maybe the light hadn't been Zephyr at all. She shrugged them aside...with no other clue to her lover's whereabouts she had no choice but to take the chance.

In the Dark

Zephyr hung in darkness. Her soul hurt as though tormented by a thousand million needles; there was an emptiness within her, a hollow longing for something she couldn't quite remember. She was lost in a void so dark and cold that it transcended anything she had ever imagined.
Memories trickled slowly through her mind as she drifted...Angry faces, pain and violence, a wounding. She gasped at the memory of the stabbing and automatically her hand moved to her chest where the knife had entered. Her robe was whole, un-torn and she felt no pain from where the weapon had cut. Another memory filtered through; of a bright blue light and beautiful green eyes. She knew the eyes, they were so familiar, but the face and name escaped her. Zephyr knew that if she could just remember who the eyes belonged to, she would be whole again. She struggled to remember through the fog of her disjointed thoughts. She recalled strong arms holding her, lifting her and carrying her into comforting, rosy light...then nothing until she awoke in the cold, dark void.
I am dead
The thought slid into her mind like treacle, slowly and gently, and she realised that she was not scared by it. A feeling of calm stole over her, and peace filled her body, soothing the needling pain in her soul. Slowly she began to give in to it, drifting further into the darkness, comforted by the peace and serenity she felt. The eyes began to fade from her mind and she let them go, closing her own eyes as she slipped deeper.
Zephyr The voice called to her as though from a great distance, dragging her back to awareness in an instant. Her eyes snapped open in shock. Suddenly she knew who had called her, who the eyes belonged to, and tears welled quickly and painfully. The hollow loneliness ate at her once more and she wept in sudden anguish.
"Eirlys!" She cried into the icy blackness.
"Eirlys." The darkness whiplashed around her at the intrusion of sound into its silent maw. It roiled and boiled in fury and Zephyr was thrown about wildly in the turmoil. She could sense the anger in it, anger at being denied a peaceful soul, and she fought all the harder to be released from its freezing hold.
"Eirlys, help me!" She screamed as the darkness whirled and spun around her. She closed her eyes against the violence of the dark fury, and instantly the motion stopped. The air felt different; cold but not freezing, strangely more real than the dark void. Zephyr risked opening her eyes again, and found that she was standing on a grey hillside, a black road winding down in front of her to a sparse, colourless plain that stretched further than the eye could see. Above her a starless black sky glowered at her with malevolent intent. The earth was dry and dusty and sported infrequent tufts of greyish, brittle grasses that looked weak and ill in the twilit landscape. On the very limit of her vision a light twinkled, just above the horizon, like a star low in the sky. Instinctively Zephyr knew it was no star, but some kind of beacon or tower, set there to attract travellers in this dismal world. She cast her eyes about for a few minutes more, searching for a clue or sign other than the light on the horizon. Then, finding nothing more of interest, she set out towards it, following the steep road down the side of the hill, hoping against hope that somewhere close by in the dark, menacing netherworld she would find Eirlys, and be whole again.

In the Square

Their lips parted as they were ripped apart by grasping hands.
"No..." Eirlys moaned as she was swept back into the crowd of furious worshippers, her hands reaching forward to reclaim their hold on her lover, her white robes tearing and being trampled in the frenzy.
"Zephyr!" The girl's white face disappeared into the angry crowd as they turned on her. Eirlys began to struggle hard, kicking out with her bare feet at the arms that held her, scratching with her clawed fingers and biting with sharp white teeth.
"Hold her!" A gruff, hard voice shouted, then a sharp pain blazed in her head and her vision swam, fading to black as her body went limp.

Zephyr was caught in a maelstrom of violence. Thrown to the ground she was the target of vicious kicks and punches, sticks were used to beat at her as she curled into a ball to try and protect herself. The mob was rabid, baying for her blood, and she knew she was going to die. Through her raised arms she saw the glint of steel as a knife swept down towards her, and a searing pain swept through her chest, taking her breath away. In seconds she was gasping, straining to breathe. She tasted blood in her throat and coughed, spraying red foam over her attakers legs. They screamed in triumph and revelled in her pain. Zephyr closed her eyes against the anger and hatred in their eyes, and waited for the end to come. She was calmer now, resigned, though her breaths were short and ragged as her damaged lung filled with blood. She listened to the shouting of the crowd with detachment. As she listened, the sound changed, from triumphant to fearful and then terrified. She tried to open her eyes, to see what was happening, but her eyelids were leaden, too heavy to move. She felt a space open up around her and she was kicked once or twice, not viciously, but as though someone had fled past her and caught her with a stray boot. Then there was silence, and a feeling of emptiness all around her. She lay motionless on the cobbled square, the slick wetness of her blood seeping from the wound in her chest and dribbling in a frothy river from her mouth and nose. After a moment she managed to crack open one eye and look across the square. A light blazed, bright and blue, hovering just above the cobbles. It burned into her mind and soothed the pain from her wound.
"Zephyr...?" The spell broke and the light faded, and then suddenly Eirlys was by her side, her green slanted eyes peering down at her, her velvet fur soaked by the rain that fell in a light mist over the city. She reached out a hand, claws sheathed, and laid it gently upon the wound in Zephyrs chest. Zephyr sighed as the pain left her completely, and opened her eyes fully to stare up at Eirlys' melancholy expression. Tears glistened in her emerald orbs making them sparkle and dance. Zephyr smiled bravely.
"I'm dying." She whispered, a statement not a question. She knew that Eirlys could do nothing to save her. Eirlys smiled sadly.
"I love you." She whispered back.
"But I cannot save you myself." She stooped and lifted Zephyr into her arms, cradling her gently to her chest and spoke a single word.
"No!" Zephyr pushed weakly at Eirlys' arms, trying to make her stop what she was doing.
"You can't take me there." She wheezed, coughing more blood onto the front of her robes.
"Let me die here." Eirlys shook her head.
"I can't do that. If you die here you will be lost to the void of your own world. If we pass the gateway we will be together for eternity in the afterlife of my world. We must go through now." Zephyr wept in Eirlys' arms.
"I don't want you to die, not yet, not because of me. You have so much to live for Eirlys, so much to give." Eirlys shook her head.
"Without you I am nothing, my power comes from you, from your love. When you die I will be useless to these people who use me. They will kill me as they have killed you. We must go." Zephyr closed her eyes, too weary to argue, to weak to struggle anymore. The blood from her wound slowed it's flow and her breathing shallowed. Eirlys hurried to the gateway and stepped into it's welcoming warmth and rosey light. She looked down briefly at Zephyr's still, peaceful face, and kissed her dead lips gently.
"Goodbye my love." She whispered softly.
"I'll be with you soon." Then she stepped forward into the void beyond the gateway, and into the oblivion that waited for her as she started her journey to the afterlife.

Anna

Soooo, today I...

was late for work due to having a cold and oversleeping.

Did some post, I think I am getting the hang of it again..tomorrow I need to launch tasks on some of it.

Was grumpy, because I felt like microwaved crap.

Went to see my bro for tea with Ma and Pa and had a good time

Wrote up the minutes of the CWS quality hour meeting.

Missed Sarah, cos she's on annual leave for 2 days.

Found myself liking Anna, even tho she is quite irritating, we appear to be getting on quite well.

Found myself getting annoyed by Kirsty, who seems to make a big deal out of everything.

Had to move computers cos mine is broken.

Had a roast dinner for lunch..I'm going to put on so much weight if I don't stop eating like this.

Felt quite miserable and depressed for the first time in a while.

Got fed up with my mum's 'one rule for me another for everyone else' attitude.

Got annoyed at a salesperson that keeps ringing my mobile.

Worshiped the Almighty Cheese God, Mozzeddarola.

grump

I'm a bit miserable today, probably due to having a cold and my hormones, and having to do everything at work while everyone else is pissing about.

All hail the Almighty Cheese God, Mozzeddarola!

40 year old Virgin

Oh my god. that was the funniest film I have seen in a long time! It's fucking hilarious...much funnier than I thought it would be! Go see.

Me and Pete made up. I'm still finding anna quite sweet, if a little irritating, I'm definately too attached to Sarah, pete is confusing the hell out of me, and well done to the Joeymeister for passing her driving test first go!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Well done petal.

Thats my life in a nutshell (ie, my head heh heh heh hehehehehe)

Oh and don't forget...WORSHIP THE ALMIGHTY CHEESE GOD AND LET HIM PROTECT YOU FROM THE TINY MONSTERS THAT GET INTO YOUR HEAD AND MAKE YOU DO BAD THINGS! Let Him fill your ears with primula and smother your enemies with melted mozzarella. Love Him for He is the MIGHTY CHEESE GOD, and He is all powerful. (He really is you know!) And on that note I'll love you and leave you xxx

An interestng couple of days.

So, pete ahd lost his phone again which is why he didn't text me. Sarah's friend is still not speking to her, and I got a bit drunk in the pub after work on friday and started to find anna attractive. Ok so she's really ot the best looking girl in the world, but she is really quite sweet once you get to know her. Ok so fair enough I was drunk, but she was very tolerant of me being drnk and trying to explain why I wasn't going to try it on with her because I could tell she wasn't a lesbian...hellanyone who can put up with a good hour of me being pissed and apologetic has to be ok. I got my hair cut on friday night. it's now really short, and a inda purpley brown colour. Its well groovy. I managed to get Pete's phone back for him too, basically cos I was drunk on the bus and decided to ring it and shout at the persn that had allegedly nicked it. No one answered but about 2 minutes later, the taxi driver that had it rang me back and we kinda organised to get it back to him.

We me Nia's brother James in the pub. He is really sweet, I find it amazing that someone as totally cold and heartless and bitchy as Nia should have such a nice brother.

Yesterday I went shopping with Sarah...well what are wages for? And bought my hair dye, and a green stripey skirt, and a pvc nurses outfit. I wore it in the Krazy house last night and it's amazing the amount of attention I got. Pete and the girls seemed to like it, and Gary and Craig. We took some pictures to make ryan jealous, but they haven't turned out very well. Twat Face and ugly bitch turned up and sat opposite us in the TV room. If I'd have been drunker I'd have smacked the fuckers, but I wasnt so I didn't.
Later on me and pete fell out big stylee, cos he was being paranoid and jealous, and I over reacted and stormed off and refused to speak to him for the rest of the night, spent the rest of the night crying and letting sarah look after me, but all that is a bit hazy cos I was very very drunk. I think I may be getting alittle bit too attached to sarah.
I got a lift home, after me and sarah managed to persuade the cloakroom people to find my coat...pete had my ticket..and on the way home, I went for a pee in a field and fell down a hole and sprained my ankle. It didn't hurt at the time, but it bloody did when I woke up this afternoon!
Today I did very little except sleep and read, and inda made up with pete. We had a very long winded and nasty text argument last night, and then a more contrite and apologetic text argument this morning, and then he rang me after tea. I nearly didn't answer the phone cos I was still fuming, but we kinda sorted it out and apologised to eachother for being silly. I dunno tho, he wants to know how I feel about him, and how I feel about Sarah and Katey, but I just don't know. Relationships are just too fucking complicated. And bollocks, I just remembered I was supposed to be going for a drink with Chris this evening...and I completely forgot. Bloody alcohol does terrible things to you.