Allan part 3

Last night was a mistake.
When I got off the computer last night, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
I met Allan on the bus this morning on the way to work and explained to him that I'm not up for a relationship, that I am too confused. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore, and I can't deal with seeing anyone this soon after breaking up with pete. He seemed ok about it, and I was fairly...normal..in work (I can't really say happy, cos happy isn't a good description of how I feel at the moment). And then 'I really hate you. I wish I never met you and I wish I was dead' arrived on my phone from Pete. He read my blog of course, even tho he said he wasn't going to read it anymore because it upsets him. Well it upsets me too, because he reacts like that...he then (after I emailed him to explain that he couldn't possibly hate me as much as I hate myself, and what happened later with me and Allan) told me I was 'full of bullshit' and that I was 'a selfish bitch' and that he should have 'got rid of me a long time ago like people said he should'.

The thing about Pete is he gets angry, and when he's angry he knows exactly what to say to cause the maximum amount of hurt and pain, it's all carefully calculated to be as Vicious and vindictive as possible, and to make me feel the worst I possibly can. When I'm angry, I hold back. I don't say things I want to because I hate hurting people...even when I'm totally furious and explosively angry I don't let go enough to spout vitriolic nastiness. Although I did during our email argument, point out that I had only kissed Allan, and not slept with him unlike Pete has done on two occasions...once with the random fat slapper, once with Tasha, which I suspect he planned all along. And then he took Jackie home with him last saturday...he claims he didn't sleep with her, but I only have his word for that. I'm afraid I did refer to poor Jackie as his 'internet slapper' which I deeply regret...it's not her fault after all.

I have to admit that the whole episode depressed me. I was lower today than I think I have ever felt...so much so I wished I had a blade with me so I could hurt myself. It got to the point where I frightened myself by thinking of it. Allan and Sarah helped me through it just by being there and making me feel like I wasn't so alone. I didn't get a lot of work done, and I was so upset and depressed Allan wouldn't leave me on my own...he came to the doctors with me to get a prescription then walked me to the gym to renew my membership. And then he dragged me to the cinema. I wanted to go home and sleep (preferably never to wake up) but he wouldn't take no for an answer. So we went to see Corpse Bride. It was really good and cheered me up no end.

Only one problem with Allan, and that is I think he might be falling in love with me. I can't deal with that right now. I don't want him to love me because I know if he does I'll just end up breaking his heart and hurting him badly like I did to Pete. I can't have another broken heart on my concience. One is destroying me...two would kill me. I'm so scared of how he feels.