...

I'm left to fend for myself without Pete to help me.
I hoped it would be different, but it looks like it's properly over, nothing left to salvage.
Not even friendship.
It feels...empty, like I've got nothing left inside but bitter acid thats eating whats left of me away.
But there's nothing I can do, we want different things, he wants me, I want...I dunno, some time alone to try and sort myself out, maybe a different life altogether.
It's probably better this way. Except it doesn't feel like it at all, because I miss him, and it hurts like a bastard.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe I have made the worst mistake of my life. Only time will tell, and only life will teach me how to mend.

My last weekday

So, oday was kinda my last day. The kast day I'll see Jean and Joyce and Brian and Sue anyhow. I've got a couple of sundays left to do, but thats with the lads, and to be honest, I won't miss the lads as much as I'll miss the others.
It feels a bit weird to be honest. I feel like I don't really want to leave it behind, but I know it's just the fact that I'm used to the place, and that I'm nervous about starting anew, back to square one as the new girl as it were. I'm still a bit down. I guess it's having a lot on my mind, a lot to think about. I'll sort it out.

Old Friends

Chris was back for a few days from Southampton, so we went to the pub together tonight. It was really really good to see her again, I think it was christmas last time we met up, and that was weird cos there were so many people there. we didn't really have a good chance to talk properly. So we talked a lot tonight, about men, Andy and Pete, and Pete Ikin, and depression and how it affects us, and work and new jobs and all sorts of stuff. It was good to talk. It made me realise how much I miss her being around tho. She's my best mate and I don't see her nearly enough...I need to be less lazy and go visit her sometimes.
I'm still a bit down. Pete hasn't helped, but I guess I should be used to that by now. Is like we're on a depression cycle that coincides, we''l both be fine for a week or so, then together we'll suddenly get depressed, I'll just be a bit down and he'll either get paranoid or recriminatory and we'll bring eachother down even more. It sucks. We'll sort it out or we won't.

Wedding Crashers

Went to see it today with Pete, it's quite good, but I've seen better.
For some reason it depressed me a bit. Maybe it's just my usual misery coming through the happiness of having a new job.

news

First of all.....
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
I got the job! Bob's not going to be happy cos it's starting the 1st August and I'm supposed to give 4 weeks notice, but never mind.
So I went out last night celebrating, got a bit drunk which is naughty cos I'm not supposed to drink on my pills, but this is a one off so I guess it'll be ok. Ended up doing something weird, in the fact that I was out with Pete, and ended up snogging a girl that he had snogged a couple of weeks ago. Very odd.
I stayed at pete's...I know what you're thinking, is that a good idea? etc. Well I slept on the sofa, even drunk I knew it'd be a bad idea to sleep in the same bed as him. So I waited til I was sober to actually sleep with him. It was strictly for fun and no strings. We both decided that before hand. So...thats about it. It'sbeen an eventful couple of days lol.

Letters

I got a letter from the CSA today, and it wasn't a rejection letter. Apparently I have passed the interview stage, but they haven't got a place for me at the moment, so they've put me on a waiting list. Don't know how long I will have to wait, if there's nothing in 12 months, they'll take me off the list, but people have said that there is a high turnover of staff there so I might not have to wait that long. I'm gonna keep looking in the meantime anyway...no sense in hanging about just on the offchance.

one pill later

I took one before I went to work. It made me feel weird. Kinda odd and floaty, kinda a bit disjointed from myself. Is probably psychosomatic.

An anniversary.

Today is the anniversary of the death of two young men who died in a car accident on the Moreton Spur last year. It doesn't seem that long ago. The co op and most of hoylake was shocked and stunned by the accident, and it hit the community hard. I am thinking about the lad's families today, and their friends who must be missing them even more today than ever. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a friend like that, I don't want to know.
I went to the doctor this morning. Apparently I am 'a bit depressed'. They're geniuses these doctors! Anyway She has put me on antidepressants...Citalopram. Will see how they go. Oh and apparently my cholesterol is too high too, so in a month she wants to start me on cholesterol tablets too. I'm gonna rattle by the end of the year.

Everyday Hurts

it's how I feel, the words of this song...Twisted, By Skunk Anansie.

I cried on my blood day
There was nothing that I
Could hold on to
Just a line could have helped
Remind me of you, of you

I screamed till the blood came
I was living in a cloud of hope
Lover's kiss then they make a wish
To the end, they pretend

Everyday hurts a little more
Everyday hurts a little more
And I'll do anything
Yes I'll do anything
To belong
To be strong
To say there's nothing wrong
Everyday hurts a little more
Everyday hurts a little more
And I'll do anything
Yes I'll do anything
To belong
To be strong
To say there's nothing wrong
Everyday hurts

I cried in the sunlight
Would I fake all the times I loved you
Just to play in a game of twisted with you
With you
I need to believe you
Sacrificed all the lies we made up
How we kissed then we made our wish
to the end, to the end

Repeat chorus

Time made me confide in you
So contrived were the words you sold me
Now nothing can swallow
The feeling so shallow inside

The actual hat!

Well here it is, the trilby of potency! See it's magical pulling properties? No neither do I. lol it's a funny old world innit.

The Trilby of Potency

Anyone who reads Goats webcomic will notice the similarity between the names there. I shall explain...
I bought a hat today, it is a tweedy coloured trilby style hat, and it's groovy as anything really groovy.
And tonight I went to the Krazy house, in my hat, not tarty tonight, wasn't going out to pull, just to dance and relax a bit. I went on my own, cos well I wanted to see if I could basically, without getting too panicky and scared of people. I did, without a problem which is a good sign. Got there a bit early, like half nine doh, and sat and watched Dawn of the Dead with subtitles in the K2 while waiting for the place to fill up a bit. Had a couple of red bull and blue aftershocks, and about ten minutes later while sitting in the K2 by the DJ box, a girl came up to me, robbed my hat to try on, borrowed the cig I was smoking (I know I know don't shout at me) and promptly tried to snog my face off. I was a little shocked, but hey she was kinda cute, if a little short and round, she also had a pink spiky mullet, but the least said about that the better. She had a face full of piercings too...I dunno I kind of liked it, and she said I was gorgeous, which is good for any girls self esteem, even coming from a mobile mullet lol No I'm jesting, she had a lovely face, and seemed quite nice too underneath the pissedness.
Damn this is not coming across well at all. Yes she was drunk, and she wandered off eventually without telling me her name, but she seemed to be enjoying herself, and I liked the attention I got for the brief while I got it. I have to say, lip piercings kinda get in the way when you're snogging someone, but tongue piercings are great!
A couple of other girls had a go at chatting me up too...and a couple of guys, but like I said I wasn't out on the pull, it was sheer surprise that I ended up snogging the pink mullet girl. But yeah, the hat, it was all the hat, it's amazing, am definately wearing it next time I go out on the pull, whenever that might be. I reckon it could be hot tho, it was quite quiet in there tonight so the heat wasn't too bad, plus I stood under the fan for a lot of the night...they played a lot of good old stuff in the K1 at about 1am and I danced my arse off.
I got the tunnel bus back to Birkenhead, but stupidly enough they don't do the birkenhead side night buses on a friday night...fucking stupid bus companies, so I walked home. Singing songs as I went. I can still remember all the words of 'Somewhere over the rainbow' which I learned when I was 7 as part of my Brownie Hostess badge, how cool is that?
It only took me an hour to walk from the bus station to home, I'm quite impressed with myself, a. for being brave enough to go out on my own again, and b. for being arsed to walk home and save money that I could have spent on a taxi. The whole night only cost me less than 20 quid! Woo!

Confusing

Last night I meant everything that I wrote on here. This morning, after Pete had tried to ring me last night, and texted me this morning, I felt angry and used, and that he'd been playing mind games with me, tonight I'm back to confused and depressed. He changed his mind, but now I don't know what he wants...well I know what he really wants, but I'm unable to give it to him at the moment the way I feel, and I don't know if it's just the depression, or if I've just drifted too far away to get back.

July 13th 2002

It was a day like today, Except I was off sick, I had had an op on my foot for an ingrowing toenail, and I had been off work for 3 weeks. I was over the edge and clinging on by my fingernails, depressed, miserable, lost. I needed a lifeline. I decided to go out that night as a last ditch attempt to find that lifeline. I had a panic attack before I even left the house, one on the bus, one on the train, one at the bottom of wood street. I stood outside the Krazy house for ages trying to summon the courage to go inside. I nearly didn't make it, but eventually I went in. Once there I began to relax, it's like a home from home. I started to dance, on my own, and when guys tried to dance at me I shrugged them off, I didn't like the look of them, and I wasn't looking for a letch.
And then he appeared out of the crowd and as Bohemian Rhapsody started up on the speakers, he began to dance near to me. He smiled and I smiled back, I liked the look of this one, he seemed friendly and there was something familiar about him. We danced together for a abit through the song, headbanging together at the relevant bits, and then Don't stop me now came on. He stopped dancing, leant in close and asked if he could kiss me. No one had done that before, normally in there, they just leap at you and try to snog you whether you want to be snogged or not. I said yes, and we kissed, only breaking off to sing the words of the song at eachother.

Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call.
Don't stop me now
Don't stop me now.
I don't wanna stop at all.

We left together. And I went back to Hoylake with him, I'm not in the habit of doing that kinda thing, but I felt safe with him, and after we talked for a while I realised who he was. I'd fancied him since I was about 17, kissed him once in Stairways when I was drunk and miserable, and we'd got our wires crossed afterwards and gone our separate ways, but I'd never forgotten him.
The following day he took me to his nephew's birthday party. After a few hours of being with him, sober and wanted, I knew I loved him. I didn't say so at first, I didn't want him to run away. But after a few weeks he said the same. And then began a three year relationship. We had ups and downs, break ups and falling outs, but we never stopped loving eachother. He loves me still, I know he does. I do love him too, but we drifted apart for a while, and I began to doubt my own mind. I fancied other people, mainly girls and it confused me, it made me want something else. We split up 5 and a half weeks ago, and at first I was a bit relieved, if sadened and upset that it was over. But we tried to be friends and I found myself getting closer to him again, rediscovering some of the feelings I thought I had lost. I was scared, terrified that I'd end up hurting him again, that what I was feeling was not real and the last thing I wanted to do was to get his hopes up and have him come crashing down again.
Tonight he told me that he loves me too much, and that seeing me is too painful for him, he can't handle just being friends with me, and he doesn't want to see me again.
I realised that he is all I want. That all the time I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him, that I miss him, that I like being with him, that I don't want to leave him when I have to go home, that when something happens that means I can't see him, I am bitterly disappointed to the point of tears, and that all that together is probably love, because I feel like I can't live without him. I feel like I need him, and I feel like I've just lost the only thing that ever mattered to me.
I feel like it's too late. The bridge is burning behind me and he's too far away now to get him back. He doesn't believe I ever really loved him, no matter how much I tell him I did/do. The confusion over my sexuality has damaged us irretrievably. Yes, I fancy women. But I love Pete. I always will. And I think he's out of reach.

Reject Raggy Doll

One rejection letter, just waiting for the other one to arrive now. Oh and Pete never wants to see me again...ever.

Juicy Melons and Tasty Plums

Yes, thats how the co op advertises it's fresh fruit on the ever-stranger coop radio. It's sometimes hard to keep a straight face.
Incidentally happiness didn't last long, and I'm falling apart again. But we don't want to talk about that (in my best Chris Tarrant voice).
I met a very cute very slobbery dog at the bus stop today who's mum was trying to get him used to the traffic. He was only a pup and the noisy cars and lorries round moreton cross were making him nervous. Poor ickle wrinkly thing came and said hello and covered my pants in dog slobber. His mum gave me a hanky and apologised but I wasn't arsed, I'm used to monty covering me in dog spit and hair and snot, so one little puppy dog, giving me a snuffle doesn't bother me.

being happy

Its weird, I'm quite happy at the moment, although Joey has gone off to Germany for a week on an exchange thing, so she won't be around to witter at til next sunday. I'm going to miss her, we have some great convo's.
Am probably going out drinking with Pete next friday. properly drinking I mean not just a couple of diet cokes in a random bar, I mean dancing and being silly. Probably end up in the Krazy House where I haven;t been for ages, so I'm kinda looking forward to it, provided Pete doesn't mind me wearing my 'nobody knows I'm a lesbian' t'shirt. Or perhaps the 'Hello Girls' one, I haven't decided yet. Sometime soon I am going to get one printed with 'Demidyke' and see how many people get the joke lol.
With any luck I might hear about jobs next week, if not maybe the week after. Hope it's sooner rather than later the waitingis doing my head in. I will let you know either way anyway.

mystifying decisions

K so today I saw something I didn't think I'd see...
About a month and a half ago, a customer of mine came into the store, Erica, she was covered in bruises, face battered, arms and legs black and blue, bruised all over. Her boyfriend had kicked the shit out of her that weekend. A couple of months before, she had had a new baby, and she has two other kids who are about 7 and 10 ish I think. She was very philosophical about it, just shrugging and saying it had been a bad weekend and she was single again. I liked her attitude, looking ahead, not moping, being strong and not being afraid. The boyfriend was out of her life, and she was moving on.
He'd been reported to the police, and would probably lose his job as a carer, but someone who beats up someone who he proffesses to love shouldn't be looking after old people or anyone for that matter. Bear in mind that Erica is only little, shorter than me and delicately built, her boyfriend was tall, and although not particularly big, still bigger than her. I'm amazed he didn't do her more damage, from what I've heard he had her on the floor and was kicking her at one point. But I digress.
Today I was even more surprised to see them both, together, obviously together I mean, doing some shopping in the store.
Now I am a great believer in second chances, but if he can do that to her once, he can do it again. And there are kids involved. I wouldn't go back to someone who kicked the shit out of me, and I can't understand why Erica would, she always seemed so strong and capable, and it worries me that she seems to be back with this guy. I admit I don't know much about the situation and the circumstances of what happened that night, but I'm sure nothing warrants a beating like that, or any beating. I can only hope that she knows what she's doing, and that he is getting some kind of help for the problem he has. And I hope she doesn't live to regret going back.

Its a girl...

Well probably. Clare's had a scan on monday and texted me tonight to say...it's a girl. most likely a girl anyway. Is quite exciting no? She's made up anyhow and I can't help but feel excited for her, even tho I'm really not into babies and stuff. She's so happy and excited some of it is rubbing off on me lol.
I reckon she will make a great mum!

Distant friends

Chris invited me to see Queen live in Hyde Park. Her parents had bought tickets but it had to be rescheduled for obvious reasons, and they couldn't go on the new date. Unfortunately it is next friday, so there is no way I can get time off to go. Damn and Buggery. Quite apart from the fact that I'd love to see Queen live (or more accurately whats left of them...Poor Freddie :-( ), it would be a great opportunity to see Chris and catch up on everything. I don't see nearly enough of my wonderful best mate. I'm gonna have to make more of an effort to go see her, and Beth, and Clare later this year. I'm thinking if job stuff works out, then I'll book a couple of weekends off and go visit people.
On a less good note it's 5 weeks on sunday that me and Pete split up, and it would have been our 3 year anniversary next wednesday. I'm not coping too well with that. But Pete has been text poking me and making me feel better. He's a good guy, if a little crazy.
I noticed something the other day, I don't really know what it means...when I was in work and some girls came in wearing next to nothing, I saw em, and I looked, but it didn't make me go 'ooh, sexy ladies' or anything. Is like I can't feel anymore. Maybe it's just a self preservation thing, I'm not feeling a hell of a lot at the moment, I guess numb is the word, and it's depressing me. And scaring me slightly. Avtually if I think about that more carefully, I do feel stuff, just generally I'm too busy thinking about the bad stuff to notice the good things. Like when the girls come in in their short skirts and bikini tops, I'm too busy moping and worrying and feeling miserable to take any notice.
I also need to stop crying myself to sleep, and sleeping full stop would be a good idea. I got about 3 hours again last night cos I went to bed at 11.30 and woke up at 2am to go to the loo, and then couldn't get back to sleep again til about 6. If you asked me why I couldn't sleep I don't know, what was going through my mind? All sorts of irrelevant crap, some of it to do with my life at the moment, other stuff to do with trivial bollocks. Then when I did get to sleep this morning I had bad dreams about...well nasty stuff, creepy freaky nasty stuff that I hope I don't have to dream again.
Well four weeks on monday I'll be jetting off to Jersey with my mum. Something to look forward to anyway.

seriously unhealthy pizza

so i had pizza for my tea, and it was nominally ham and pineapple, except i modified it a bit...it ended up with a load of parma ham and chorizo and salami on it, and half a tonne of mozzarella cheese on the top. It was fantastically unhealthy, which is how I feel at the moment. Eating is good. But don't worry I'm not over doing it, not really, well maybe a tiny bit, but I'm not stuffing my face with sweets all day, so it's not that bad.
I texted Beth today to make sure she was ok after the bombings in London. I know she's not close to the centre, but I was a bit worried anyway, well I do worry, everyone knows that, so I texted her just to make sure, and she's ok so thats good. As to the bombings themselves, I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone attacked us. Lets face it, Al Qaida have been threatening for ages, and it looks like they finally managed it. I can only hope that London gets back on it's feet as soon as possible to show the terrorist Bastards that we will not be cowed by bombs and explosions in our capital city. My heart goes out to the families of those who were killed, and those who were injured in the explosions, and I hope that this evil attack does not hinder the building and organisation involved for the olympic games in 2012

The long goodbye.

For some reason, some really annoying and irritating reason, I have had Ronan Keating dancing round my head singing 'the long Goodbye' all evening.

So here, I'll share the chorus with you, basically cos thats all I know and all I have in my head...

This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kinda love keeps breaking our hearts

Nomatter how hard I try
You're still gonna make me cry
Come on baby it's over lets face it
All thats happening here is the long goodbye

So there you go, one of the most depressing songs in the world, makes you want to give up on relationships altogether.

ups and downs

up and down like a yo yo, not just day in day out, but hour in hour out.
ups and downs, too much time to think, not enough to do with my mind.
Just been discussing going to Gyro with Kel, is like a kinda club for lesbian and bi girls. Was kinda getting enthusiastic about going, but now she says I might be too old. Makes you feel really good that.

All a big Joke

Apart from Joey and Chris, and Pete and Hab, and maybe Jack(but I don't know really what he's thinking and stuff), I feel like my friends think I'm a joke, and that all this stuff with Pete is insignificant and daft.
Beth, didn't seem that interested when I told her we'd split up, and Charley actually laughed...laughed and said, when are you getting back together? To be honest thats the reaction I've had from most people, the girls and Bob at work anyway, all said 'what again?'. I suppose I must be quite good at looking not very upset, cos no one except Joey, Chris, Pete and Hab seems remotely concerned about my mental health. Phil, him I haven't heard from at all. I guess he must know, because he spends a lot of time with Pete, and I reckon Pete would have told him. Maybe not, but he told all his new work mates so I reckon he will have told Phil. And yet I haven't heard anything, if the roles had been reversed, and He'd been newly singlfied, I'd have phoned him or texted him to see if he was ok and offer a shoulder to cry on kinda thing if he wanted it. Is it too much to ask for just one person to say 'I'm here if you need me'? You know cos I know Chris and joey are there, and Hab, but is like...they are too far away for a hug, and yes Pete is there and seems ok with the hugging thing, but it still feels a bit wierd and he's like too close to it all to give a really objective opinion on it all, and I just need someone that isn't that close to it all to give me a hug and tell me it's ok. Is that selfish?

Old Friends

Saw Beth and Charley in the Shrew toonight. We were gonna go to the Swan, which is out local local, but there were bouncers and a queue at the door becaus there was a band on so we decided against that and went to the Shrewsbury Arms instead. It was busy and full of old men, but we had a good natter.

Live 8 in the pub

Sooo, went to the pub with Beth to catch up. Haven't seen her for ages so we had a good chat.
They had Live 8 on the screens in there, only the sound system is really shit, so when it was quiet all you could hear was bass lines. They turned it up when Robbie williams came on tho, and the whole pub sang along to Angels. Is uplifting to hear lol. The Who were good too, Won't get fooled again brought back a few memories..they rock still, is a band I'd like to see live one time but is unlikely unless they are so enamoured with the rock lifestyle they do a comeback tour...is something to look out for anyhow.
Oh god now they're playing the sergeant peppers clip again...I really think Paul Macca is past it, and I know I'm gonna get lynched for saying that, but it's true.

Feeling like a fraud

Surrounded by all thos lesbians yesterday who seemed so confident and comfortable in themselves, I felt like a fraud. I dunno that there's much else to say about that. What can you say?
And what can you do when you're afraid of being alone? Like I am ok during the day, or when I'm with people, like yesterday with Kelly and Shel, and then with Pete, I was soo tired, but I was fairly happy and cheerful, and then I got home and went online, and talked to Joey and Hab for a bit, and I was ok, and cheerful, and then I logged off because I couldn't keep my eyes open, and I went to bed, and I couldn't sleep, even though I was so exhausted I could barely see, and I was miserable and emotional and weepy. So I texted Pete.
Maybe I shouldn't lean on Pete too much. It's unfair of me to do that, because he loves me, and I'm not seeing him anymore...do you know what I mean? Because he loves me, and he seems to want to be there for me, thats exactly why I shouldn't lean on him too much...because it feels like I'm using him, even though I'm not doing it intentionally and it's just because I like being around him and stuff, even though we're not together anymore, people might see it like I'm just after the comfort and when I'm feeling better about myself and my life I'll just fuck off and leave him to it.
I won't. And I suppose I got to do what I feel is right and what makes me happy, and he's big enough to look after himself and who cares what other people think? But I still feel kinda awkward about it all. Except, only when I'm not with him and I've got too much time on my hands, like now, to think about this stuff. When I'm with him, it doesn't matter.
I guess I'm just not very comfortable with myself at the moment. Everything is awkward and disjointed and I can't seem to find a balance of happy and sad and be just averagely ok for a while.
I reckon you lot are probably getting bored of me by now, looking back on this blog thing, it's been all self pity and misery for a long time. I don't like it that way. I want something good to write about for a change, and not just how good a film was or whatever, but something genuinely interesting and decent. And I want to stop feeling useless and scared all the time. And a million pounds, I want that too. And a house. And maybe a small harem lol.

lucky or not...

I was talking to hab, we got to talking about diabetes and how it really fucking sucks.
On the flip side of the coin, I am really fucking lucky, to have friends like Joey, and Hab, and Chris, ad Clare (and bump), and Beth, and Jack and everyone, but also because Pete is being really supportive of me. The last few days have been a bit up and down, but his talk, and his friendly face, and his hugs when I'm having a minor panic attack outside the pub have all helped me feel better about myself at least for a while, and the more whiles I have, the better I'll get.
So thank you to everyone who is being so nice and supportive and wonderful and understanding. I think I am getting there, and I couldn't do it without you lot helping me out and giving me a good talking to when I need it.

I love you all.

Pool playing lesbians

I got about 3 hours sleep last night, and had to get up at 6am to go to work.
And I must have eaten something that disagreed with me cos I've had a dodgy stomach all morning, is ok now tho which is good.
As to the pool playing lesbians, I met Kelly and Shel (her girly) in Liverpool, and they took me to the Lisbon pub (for those who don't know Liverpool the Lisbon is a gay pub), and I had never been in there until today. Its an old fashioned looking pub, you know all the mouldings on the ceilings and the dark paintwork, but it's kinda nice in there. Was a bit daunting at first cos when the three of us walked in Kelly and Shel were hailed by a group of 5 girls from a table across the pub, and I kinda felt a little like the odd one out, but they were all really friendly and we got on ok. They all started playing pool and then me, kel and Shel moved on to another bar with pool hall bit so we could play a bit more...pus and pool tables don't really mix too well cos of peeps wandering past.
It was fun anyway, and after the girls had gone, I met Pete for a couple of drinks and we talked a lot and he told me a few things that were really funny but he made me promise not to say so, I guess I better not put em on here lol.
I'm a little manic tonight, probably lack of sleep, and the diet coke..caffeine and no sleep makes me a bit weird!