July 13th 2002

It was a day like today, Except I was off sick, I had had an op on my foot for an ingrowing toenail, and I had been off work for 3 weeks. I was over the edge and clinging on by my fingernails, depressed, miserable, lost. I needed a lifeline. I decided to go out that night as a last ditch attempt to find that lifeline. I had a panic attack before I even left the house, one on the bus, one on the train, one at the bottom of wood street. I stood outside the Krazy house for ages trying to summon the courage to go inside. I nearly didn't make it, but eventually I went in. Once there I began to relax, it's like a home from home. I started to dance, on my own, and when guys tried to dance at me I shrugged them off, I didn't like the look of them, and I wasn't looking for a letch.
And then he appeared out of the crowd and as Bohemian Rhapsody started up on the speakers, he began to dance near to me. He smiled and I smiled back, I liked the look of this one, he seemed friendly and there was something familiar about him. We danced together for a abit through the song, headbanging together at the relevant bits, and then Don't stop me now came on. He stopped dancing, leant in close and asked if he could kiss me. No one had done that before, normally in there, they just leap at you and try to snog you whether you want to be snogged or not. I said yes, and we kissed, only breaking off to sing the words of the song at eachother.

Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call.
Don't stop me now
Don't stop me now.
I don't wanna stop at all.

We left together. And I went back to Hoylake with him, I'm not in the habit of doing that kinda thing, but I felt safe with him, and after we talked for a while I realised who he was. I'd fancied him since I was about 17, kissed him once in Stairways when I was drunk and miserable, and we'd got our wires crossed afterwards and gone our separate ways, but I'd never forgotten him.
The following day he took me to his nephew's birthday party. After a few hours of being with him, sober and wanted, I knew I loved him. I didn't say so at first, I didn't want him to run away. But after a few weeks he said the same. And then began a three year relationship. We had ups and downs, break ups and falling outs, but we never stopped loving eachother. He loves me still, I know he does. I do love him too, but we drifted apart for a while, and I began to doubt my own mind. I fancied other people, mainly girls and it confused me, it made me want something else. We split up 5 and a half weeks ago, and at first I was a bit relieved, if sadened and upset that it was over. But we tried to be friends and I found myself getting closer to him again, rediscovering some of the feelings I thought I had lost. I was scared, terrified that I'd end up hurting him again, that what I was feeling was not real and the last thing I wanted to do was to get his hopes up and have him come crashing down again.
Tonight he told me that he loves me too much, and that seeing me is too painful for him, he can't handle just being friends with me, and he doesn't want to see me again.
I realised that he is all I want. That all the time I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him, that I miss him, that I like being with him, that I don't want to leave him when I have to go home, that when something happens that means I can't see him, I am bitterly disappointed to the point of tears, and that all that together is probably love, because I feel like I can't live without him. I feel like I need him, and I feel like I've just lost the only thing that ever mattered to me.
I feel like it's too late. The bridge is burning behind me and he's too far away now to get him back. He doesn't believe I ever really loved him, no matter how much I tell him I did/do. The confusion over my sexuality has damaged us irretrievably. Yes, I fancy women. But I love Pete. I always will. And I think he's out of reach.