No one would have believed...

...that in the early years of the twenty-first century, a film would be remade that would be as good or possibly better than the original.
Yes, tonight I went to see War of the Worlds, and it was brilliant. Better than I thought it would be. I was dubious when I saw the ads whether it would be a CGI nightmare, but they made it so that the CGI bits were so lifelike you'd have thought the things were real.
I'm not gonna give anything away, just go and see it!

and the song in it's entirety: Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Men

Pete has been reallt lovely since out little chat last night.
He invited me out to the pub tonight, but not until about quarter to ten which was a bit late to be dragging myself over to liverpool. We're going to the cinema on friday tho.
And as to the mystery person who leaves comments on here. Thank you lovely person...

And I don't want the world to see me
Cos I don't think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.

(Goo Goo Dolls, Iris)

3 years of living a lie

Except it wasn't.
I was never living a lie, all that time I loved him, I really did.
He says I need to make a decision, that saying 'I don't know' is just a way of not having to face up to things. That making a decision is the only way I'll be happy.
He's right about one thing. 'I don't know' is a get out clause, means I don't have to think about stuff I can just bumble along and keep running away. But making a decision is not easy when you can't work out how you feel or what you want or where you are or anything. The only thing I do know is that I'm not in the right frame of mind for being in a relationship at the moment. It's just not fair. I hope he can understand that, and I hope he can learn to live with it.
He says he's not going to read this anymore, that it upsets him. I suppose I have written some pretty harsh things on here over the past few weeks about him. And he didn't deserve any of it, and I didn't mean the vast majority of it, just the way I was feeling and the confusion and self recrimination and self examination got in the way and made me say stuff I didn't mean. I never wanted to hurt him, never ever. And it's too late to say that now because its already happened.
I wish things had never changed. I wish things had stayed so I could understand them and I could still be happy. But they didn't, so I just got to look to the future and try and make some sort of life out of the weird shaped fragments that I have left. Is gonna have holes in it for a while until I find a way of filling them in with something, but I will. Damn, two nights on the run I've cried.

Arguments and Interviews

Well, last night I spent worrying about stuff, interviews and Pete mainly. Strangely enough, after the conversation I had with Joey last night, I didn't dream. Must be some kind of miracle.
Anyway I didn't sleep well...heh no change there then, if it goes on for much longer like this I'll go mad. erm madder.
Anyway, got up this morning, had a shower, put on my suit, chiopped and changed the skirts around a couple of times, and eventually settled on the skirt I'd put on first..as you do. Went and checked my email, and lo and behold there was an email off the Pete. Telling me off for not making a good enough effort to reach him. I mean ok I texted him, and rang him on sunday, but it's not my fault if O2 are being crap and not putting the call through. Personally I'd have appreciated the email yesterday so I wasn't worrying that he was dead all night, but fair enough, he didn't know I had an interview today. Soo long and short, we had a bit of an email argument, which weirdly enough made me feel a bit better, cos well, he's still alive and apparently talking to me, even if it is in tones of annoyance. Spoke to Joey for about ten minutes and then wandered off to the interview.
Got the bus in plenty of time. Except I didn't allow for bloody buses bloody changing bloody drivers half way there. I hate it when they do that...doesn't bother me if I'm going shopping or whatever, but when you're trying to get somewhere for a certain time, and your not absolutley sure where your going, and the bus stops for ten minutes while the replacement driver has a chinwag with the replacee driver, it's really annoying.
I needn't have worried, when I got to the jobcentre they kept me waiting for twenty minutes. I was the last interviewee.
And all in all it went very well, if there weren't 200 interviews for 17 jobs I'd be quite confident, but there is so I'm not holding my breath. Is good interview practise anyway.
And I wasn't lookin forward to it, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Knowing basically what they were going to ask because of failing dismally at it last time I went to one of those kind of interviews probably helped...it was all give an example of a time when you a)communicated effectively to produce a good result, b)gave good customer service. c)gave bad customer service. d)worked well as a team etc, and the other one, and how did you feel about yourrole in each of those eamples, and what did you learn. Complete bollocks really, and I answered them all, making stuff up as and when it was needed lol
So I think it went quite well...is just a case of wait and see now and hope that all the other applicants were as bad as I was last time I went for a csa interview which was ohh, probably 5 years ago now.
Anyway, fingers crossed, keep filling in the forms and sending them off....

Affirmation

Savage Garden are great. Affirmation, the second? album...started listening to it tonight. It makes me cry...everytime, I don't know whether it's the memories, bittersweet ones of a few years back, or the fact that I'm usually in a melancholy mood whenever I feel like listening to it.
Is weird cos it's a really upbeat, uplifting album, just listening to it reminds me of a certain day a few years back, driving back from a certain place with someone I cared about, and not wanting to say goodbye. Good memories, like I said bittersweet, cos I hate saying goodbye to people I care about, people I love.
:::sigh::: is all in the past now tho and we've both moved on. Just sometimes like when I'm a bit low like today the memories catch up with me and I think of fonder times. Like last year with Pete when we did our walking tour of the wirral in the sun, and I got sunburned. Good memories. :::sigh:::

James

Well someone left a James song on my comments yesterday and I have no idea who it was...well everyone I asked has denied it anyway. Thank you who ever you are, is a good song!
Today I got a hug off the boss because I looked miserable. Strangely it made me feel better. Hugs are great even if they are off the boss lol.
My mum has gone to Keswick on an adventure weekend with some of her school kids. Think it's gonna be a lot of work so she'll be grumpy and tired when she gets back.
Is just me and dad at home this week so it's gonna be weird...and quiet. lol

Giving up

I gave up on myself a while ago, there's no understanding me. Now I'm giving up on Pete, as he so obviously has given up on me. He hasn't spoken to me since we went for a drink on tuesday after my interview. He's not answering his texts at any rate, so that amounts to not speaking to me. I'm guessing he's read something on here that he didn't like very much.
Sometimes it's easier to write stuff on here before I speak to someone, it gets it all a bit clearer in my head, most of the time. As my best mate said once, it's like free therapy.
Sometimes I need it more than others tho. Feel like I need it quite a lot at the moment cos everything's fucked. Lol, I'll work it out eventually. Now I think I'm gonna go and think about stuff to talk about in an interview...

attitudes

So I think it's my mum's attitude that makes me a bit scared. I've been thinking about this all day, and I have this really clear memory of about 5 or six years ago when my mum was talking to a friend of hers. She said...
'I wouldn't mind if either of them (me or my brother) were gay, but I can say I would be disappointed.' I was in the room at the time, and knew I was bi, but I couldn't really say anything at the time. She also goes 'ewww' when she's watching Bad Girls and the women start snogging. It's demoralising, and kinda intimidating to know that one day I may have to tell my mum something that will make her disappointed in me.

lost

I'm tired of being scared of my own feelings, of feeling lost and alone and afraid of life. I want to be happy again, properly happy, not just pretend happy.
I feel like I can't be properly happy til I get my head sorted out tho. It's like I have these thoughts and feelings, about things, about people, but I can't do anything about them, or I don't know what to do about them. I'm scared of making a change incase it turns out badly, or I end up hurting someone or being hurt again.
I can't think straight for fear and anxiety.
My nights are filled with wierd dreams of stupid scenarios...thats when I can eventually get to sleep after tossing and turning half the night away. Even when I'm tired or drunk, or both, I can't sleep properly. I can't talk to people about this, because I don't know how to explain it properly, some people I would talk to, I won't because something of what I think and feel involves them. It's like being in a black hole with no light, and only a vague hope that one day, if I keep walking, I might reach some kind of daylight at the end of this tunnel.
I hate feeling like this. I hate being tired and unhappy, and afraid of my own feelings, scared of saying anything to anyone in case it's the wrong thing, or it gives the wrong impression. I'm so fucking confused at the moment, I thought I'd got over the stupid teen angst confusedness about life thing years ago, but obviously not. I guess things never really stop being difficult and confusing.

And then you go and spoil it all...

HabibButt [22:48]: me pure and innocent, sometimes i am more full of bollocks than Ron Jeremies jockstrap

Proof

This is the theory that proves that hab is pure and innocent, and I am nice and good....

HabibButt [22:42]: i might as well give up, we aint never gonna have a pure and innocent chat
SereneSarong [22:43]: no
SereneSarong [22:43]: it's not gonna happen
HabibButt [22:43]: is strange, you are good and not bad, and i am pure and innocent
HabibButt [22:43]: we should have a pure and innocent chat in theory
SereneSarong [22:43]: pml
SereneSarong [22:44]: and we'll never ever convince joey of either of those
SereneSarong [22:44]: and that theory...I think the nice and good and pure and innocent cancel eachother out, so together we are evil and filthy

I AM a good girl!

Will someone please tell Joey that I'm a good girl? She doesn't believe me!
And I am a good girl really, I don't do bad stuff...ever

You are what you eat

Ok, so I was watching You are What You Eat before...you know that program with the evil bitch woman that comes along and takes samples of poo to examine then picks your life style and eating habits apart to try and make you healthier?
She was attacking Michelle McManus today...the...large girl that won pop idol that time...and well, about half way through the program I started finding her really sexy. Not the bitch woman, she's a monster, but the lovely Michelle. She is when you look at her properly, and not just at the fat which I think most people do...she's just the fat bird that won pop idol, she is very pretty.
And she is very single minded and committed...as well as being really nice, and well...sexy.
Apart from that, it's been fairly uneventful. Ohhh apart from the letter this morning asking me to go for another interview next tuesday...same department, different job. proper interview this time, so I got to get my answers ready and do some notes to take with me. Hopefully I should be ok.

Over the hill?

I went to the pub with Pete today. Just a quiet drink, I dunno, today it seemed like he was expecting something to happen, he didn't say anything, or try anything, just kept looking at me the way he used to look at me when we were seeing eachother. On the bus on the way home, I was thinking about it, and it made me sad. And then I got to thinking about me, and how I want something to happen with a woman, and how maybe I'm getting to old to start going out and pulling girls. I feel like I wasted half my life in being in denial, and when I finally did admit to myself that I fancied women, I was too scared and unsure of myself to do anything about it. And when I finally did do something about it, I got cold feet and ran scared, (and hurt her badly because I was too much of a coward to give it even a tiny chance). And I wonder if I can do that? Can I really start over and do what my heart is telling me, or should I just take the easy option and be single forever? I can't see myself with another man, not yet anyway. Not even Pete at the moment, and that hurts to say. I like spending yime with him, I just...I don't know what I want.

Interviews

Well I think it went ok.
The telephone role play was a bit hairy, but when I had a natter with the other interviewees afterwards, they all seemed to have done about the same as me, so hopefully...
The group discussion was ok too, I put some good ideas and points forward, and tried to explain clearly and sensibly what I was wittering about. Is a case of wait and see now...fingers crossed.

plastic fantastic

Actually I think they are acrylic, but it's the same kinda stuff. You're wondering what I'm wittering about aren't you?
I just ordered some UV glowy ball closure rings from a groovy little online shop, and a couple of PTFE barbels. PTFE apparently is an inert biomaterial, is supposed to be good for new piercings and those that aren't healing well, and it's flexible, thought I'd give it a try in my nipple piercing that keeps going a bit crusty lol...nice image huh?

Sunburn

So I got a bit sunburned yesterday sitting in arrowe park reading my book waiting for pete. I mean I was only waiting for an hour and a half lol. is not too bad tho, I have had worse.
Joey has just been scaring me by talking about jumping off 15 foot rocks into water. I really do hate heights...the proper, wobbly legged, body numbing fear. I don't reckon I'll be jumping off any big rocks myself lol
Hmmm, don't think I have any more news to tell, things have been pretty quiet today, just work which sucked as usual, but there's no change there.
Ack well, interview tuesday...damn group discussion thing and a telephone role play. Am not looking forward to it, but well you never know I might do ok. Is worth a try anyway.

Mr and Mrs Smith

Damn that woman is SEXY!!!
And Brad Pitt, well, yeah ok, I'll concede that he's not bad, and I probably wouldn't say no if he begged me, but Angelina Jolie....well what can I say...the dominatrix outfit didn't feature for nearly long enough!
The film, yeah it's not bad, is funny and actiony enough, fairly decent plotline, a bit predictable, but aren't they all in that kinda genre. Is a silly, fun film that you don't need to think about, so yeah, go see.
I went with Pete again. Heh, we're getting along well, no arguments or awkwardness really...is good to be able to see him and talk and just be like mates for a change. Is like we need the company of eachother without the baggage that being an actual couple seems to bring with it. See how it goes and what happens. I'm happy as we are for now, don't know what Pete thinks. I guess at some point we should discuss it, but I don't want to rock the boat and spoil whats going on at the moment. We'll see.

hmmm

Well, Joey wrote a list of thinks that make her notice people...kinda for going out with them purposes.
Heh, looking at it, I match about 5 of the 6 things lol

I started compiling my own list, but didn't get very far because when I thought about it, there isn't really a particular thing that attracts me to someone first go.
I mean men with either long or spiky hair, women too come to think of it, but is kinda a general thing, just nice hair, mainly dark or red heads tho.
I dunno, a nice smile, something interesting or unusual about them, a certain cuteness or just a spark of something that makes you go ooh...they're worth taking a chance on. I dunno, I can't really say what attracts me to people, every one I've been out with has been different so...the list isn't really a list it's more of a feeling lol.
Never mind

Batman

Wooo thats a good film! I was slightly freaked out by the Scarecrow...when you see it you'll know what I mean, but yeah, wow, go see.
I went with Pete...now I know what you're thinking... aye aye whats going on there. The answer is nothing, not yet, if at all, we just went to the cinema and then for a quick drink while waiting for the bus, we talked about work and films and meaningless stuff and avoided the topic of us altogether. It was good to see him again and catch up with stuff. His new job is going well, and he seems happy. Am glad we are able to talk and get together with out feeling awkward. Things are maybe looking up a bit.
Oh and I got an interview with the CSA. Next tuesday. Keep your fingers crossed for me,it's gonna be a tough one.

apologies

So, pete didn't get my message before which is why he didn't reply to it. We had a brief conversation online about 20 mins ago, which ended abruptly whe he logged off.
It was painful, but I'm glad we can still talk to eachother, albeit awkwardly at the moment.
I just wish he would let me decide for myself whether I wanted to talk to him instead of jumping to conclusions and getting all paranoid and then spouting rubbish and logging off.

I've been in a fucking dreadful mood all day. Just generally snappy and irritable and bloody miserable.
Looked at flights to jersey on the internet yesterday and it seems that we should be able to get a flight on the monday to jersey so I might not have to swap a sunday with will. depends if the travel agent does trips out there on the same flight or not.
Tried ringing Jack before, but he didn't answer. Just wanted a natter you know, just about stupid shit, and catch up on what he's been up to. Never mind, I'm sure I will catch him some other time.
Oh and Pete texted me about an hour or so ago to ask 'how are you?'. He didn't reply to my text back, so I don't know why he bothered texting me in the first place, he obviously doesn't want to actually have a conversation with me, even if it is by text.
I've been eating crap again...trifle's and cheesecake is the latest fad. Comfort eating. am gonna get to be a fat minger then no one will want to be near me. Suits me fine, love is the road to misery.

Hopes and Dreams

Where did my dreams go?
When I was little I wanted to be a vet.
Then I grew up a bit more and I decided I wanted to be a geology lecturer, I was going to do my Alevels, my degree, maybe a masters and then a PhD and be a lecturer.
Where did it all go wrong?
Even now I wonder how I'm still stuck in this crappy job, being nice to people I hardly know or like very much, and I slide from day to day doing the same shit and getting paid bollocks for it and I look at my life and I hate it.
I have no social life, basically because I can't afford it...I'd go out on my own if I had the money but I don't.
I sit in the house and I watch some telly and I read webcomics and talk to Joey or hab online (don't get me wrong I love talking to those guys, but I need to get out more).
Existance seems kinda pointless at the moment. Pointless and boring, and there doesn't appear to be much I can do about it.
Life sucks.
I wonder how many people there are out there who at this moment feel exactly the same way as I do?
Probably thousands. Millions. I'm not alone.
I haven't heard from pete today, lets be honest I only heard from him yesterday because I texted him first. I desperately want to see him, speak to him even, but I don't know what I'd say. I think I just want him to know that I'm thinking about him, and that I still care.
But then, what is life without the person you love? One thing is for definate...I was happier with him than I am without him. I always have been happier with him than without.

NOT GUILTY????

Not Fucking Guilty.
Ten charges and a verdict of not guilty for every single one.
It makes me sick to the stomach.
I mean Michael Jackson of course.
Fuck. I'm incensed!

Fish

So yesterday was hard, and I hardly slept last night at all...seems I'm getting used to the lack of sleep now tho, cos I'm functioning ok...I guess. The boss came back off holiday today, and he made me a bit teary eyed cos he was asking how I was and wouldn't be put off by a general 'I'm fine'. I like the silly old sod really, he's quite understanding when you get beneath the prickly grumpy exterior. Anyhow I asked him about swapping my hols, and he said provisionally yes as long as no one else wanted that week off, so it looks like thats ok. Will have to make sure for definate.
Bought two new fish yesterday too...Red honey gourami's, they are rather pretty, a very delicate shade of pastel pink with a hint of blue. They are a little shy at the moment and tend to hide in the top corner of the tank, but they have been a little more adventurous today and swam out to say hello when I came in from work.

Hiya, y'alright?

Pete came into work.
I didn't even notice him at first cos it was busy, and I was running round like a headless chicken, and he was standing being served at checkouts when I went to go on the till, and I was serving someone else when he just said 'Hello Kate', and I just said in my really cheery talking to customers voice...'Hiya y'alright?'.
And then I turned round and saw who it was, and the bottom dropped out of my world for a second.
He just looked at me sadly and walked away while I stood there with my hand over my mouth and tears in my eyes, and then went off and had a good cry in the toilets.
Will saw me crying tho. I hate being weak and female in front of the people I'm supposed to be supervising, but he was really nice and gave me a hug.
Strangely enough once the shock had worn off I missed Pete even more than I had been doing. He looked small and alone, and he texted me to apologise for not staying and talking but I looked busy, and I told him off for coming in the shop in the first place and making me cry, and he said he was sorry and he just wanted to see me. And now I feel worse than ever, and I love him and I miss him, and I want to tell him that but I don't know if it's a knee jerk reaction to seeing him all suddenly like that. Joey said Don't do anything for 2 weeks, let my head clear a bit before making any descisions, but this week has been a lifetime. I can't do another week like this.

Head Demons

I can't, I just cannot stop thinking about Pete. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day since we split up, he has been there inside my skull, either pointing accusing fingers or looking at me sadly or some times just holding out his arms and wanting to be held.
It's breaking me.
I still can't make any sense of what I am feeling. A lot of the time I want to be with him, I want to go round and kiss him and tell him everything is ok, that we are meant to be together and all the other lovey dovey shit that people come out with in those situations. But then other times I think about being with him, and spending the rest of my life with him, and it makes me feel...odd, not quite connected, scared, tired, bored I don't know.
I miss him, I miss hearing hs voice, and seeing his smile, and the feel of his skin, and the strength of his arms around me, the taste of him, the smell of him, everything, but I don't know if I miss him enough. If I love him enough to go back and try and make it work between us. I'm fairly sure if I asked or if I told him I loved him and that I wanted to be with him that he would take me back, but I'm not sure if thats what I want. I have itchy feet. I want something different...I think.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.
I don't know what the hell I want, and if I don't know it's probably best I stay away. It's just so hard.

Texting

I had a text conversation with pete tonight.
It's made me feel, I dunno, sad.
I hate the way things turn out sometimes.
I hate the way life or fate or whatever you want to call it, makes things so cruel.
I suppose if I believed in God or something then things like this would be easier. I imagine that having faith in something would be a great comfort in times of stress and bereivement and misery. I haven't got that luxury, that comfort, I could never bring myself to be able to believe in something like God. I just can't understand it. I respect anyone who does have that belief, I admire their strength and mentality, I would never belittle anyone for their beliefs, I just can't understand it.

Sin City

Well what can I say...Violent, nasty, cruel, viscious, horrific, bloodthirsty, vulgar, frightening...

I fucking LOVED it!

Go see...but not if you're of a nervous disposition or are easily disgusted.

And Pete...I don't hate him, I couldn't hate him. I do miss him quite a lot tho. :::Sigh:::

Holidays

I was meant to be going camping in july with Pete. Had a week booked off and everything, but it looks quite likely that it won't be happening now. Also my mum is really pissed off at my dad. It's their 30th anniversary this year in august, and she wanted to go on a nice holiday with him for it. Him being a man is being stubborn about it, and apparently would rather paint the house, and make window frames than go on holiday.
So me an my mum have been plotting to go on holiday together instead. I'm ging to try and swap my week that I'd planned to go camping so that it coincides with the school holidays, and we then may go to Jersey for a week, or possibly Ireland. Either will do. It should be fun, but I don't know what dad will say to it...

wise words

TheEachUisge [00:20]: my advise is, you can't fix everything, and sometimes thing aren't really broken, they just look it, so you shouldn't prod at them

I love this girl, she's far toowise for her age, and knows exactly what to say to make you feel better...even when she is drunk lol

Of course I am not bitter in the slightest.
No one could possibly accuse me of being bitter, I mean it was perfectly reasonable for him to say I wasn't gutted in the slightest, and accuse me of trying to make things worse.
I will probably regret writing this tomorrow. Also tomorrow I plan to delete his number off my phone so that when I get drunk I can't text him even if I wanted to.

Buses

I went for a a really long bus ride today.
Just for the hell of it, jut got on a bus and stayed on it forever. Well 2 hours, which is the length of time it takes the 403 to get from Liverpool to Seacombe. I got a lot of reading done, and it got me out of the house and avoided awkward questions from my parents about why I'm suddenly in all the time which I am not ready to deal with yet, especially after last night's little tirade, big tirade towards Him.
I've been in a shit mood all day because of it, back to fucking square one, and I needed some time to chill. For some odd reason being on buses with a good book does that for me. I think I shall call it bus therapy. It goes alongside, scream therapy, crying therapy, bottle everything up inside and become totally cold and unfeeling therapy and destructive therapy. I think of all of them bus therapy is probably the best.

Hate

I hate him for making me feel like this.
I was trying to be positive, trying to encourage him to be positive, thats all. Trying to be reasonable and nice and make him see it's not all bad, I mean it's pretty shit, but not all of it.
And all I get is abuse, that I've done enough damage to him already, that I don't give a shit, that I'm not even bothered that we've split up.
It broke my walls that I'd built, the walls that kept the emotions in check, that kept the fear and pain from overwhelming me, it broke the bottle that I'd carefully corked everything away inside.
I told him exactly how I felt, exactly how he made me feel.
I hate him for doing that to me.
I haven't heard any more from him and I'm glad, he is a selfish vindictive bastard and I hate him for making me feel.
I hate him, but I love him too. Fucker.

Sunshine

So the sun did shine a lot today.
It gave me a headache.
And people annoyed me by coming in and telling me what a beautiful day it was outside. That's just rubbing it in.
And despite promising Joey I wouldn't, I did infact send Pete a drunken text message last night. Not begging for forgiveness or anything, just I dunno, wondering a bout hopes and dreams and shit. I was rebuked this morning for being depressing when he was trying to be positive about his new job. I see his point.

Ode to Lambrini

Cherry Lambrini is a wonderful thing...
It makes you drunk and it makes you sing.
It tastes like crap but it does the trick,
And it makes you act like a prize winning prick.
It's pink and fizzy and has a screw cap
When you've finished the bottle you feel like a nap
Cherry Lambrini is a beautiful thing,
It makes you drunk and it makes you sing.

Star Wars

So I feel a bit better today, but that's probably because I'm a bit drunk. Alcohol makes everything seem better.
Had a brief text conversation with Pete this evening. About nothing in particular, if we can keep that up then we might be able to salvage a friendship if nothing else out of the crap that is our lives at the moment :::sigh:::
Went to see Star Wars revenge of the sith. It's really depressing, but I guess it was never gonna be a cheerful film. Was good tho, Yoda Kicks ass. I guess I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to appreciate it fully. The fact that I was meant to go see it with Pete the first weekend it came out, and never did...well you know, thoughts like that don't help.
I haven't cried much, if I start I don't think I'll be able to stop, I'm just trying to get on with stuff, and keep busy, which means reading a lot and trying not to think and working a lot too...hence going to the pictures. Thought too much on the bus home tho. I hate thinking.
Damn, have to go, can no longer see the screen...
Not been tempted to do bad stuff today tho, and the destructive tendencies are fading so...I dunno. I miss him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR
RRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...


That doesn't make me feel much better, but it's the best scream I can manage in a house full of parents.

I want to call him, but I don't know what I'd say, I just want to hear his voice, but I doubt he wants to hear mine. I want to tell him that everything will be ok, but I doubt he'd believe me, and most of all I want to tell him I love him, but I really doubt he'd believe that.
I felt better briefly an hour or so ago. When I'd managed to stop shaking enough. But physical pain doesn't stop the heartache forever, it just washes away the surface hurt for a bit, and then you're left with the scars and the agony floods back.
I don't know why I do it, it's not a solution, it's not even a remedy, just a fucking tiny respite from the aching in my soul, and in the end it only makes me feel worse. I keep making promises, to myself, to Pete that I won't keep doing it. Promises I can't seem to keep.
I need to calm down, to work out what happens next, but my head is just dizzy with all these wicked emotions.
I need to find a way out of this need for systematic destruction...I shredded a book of poems before...just sat and tore it into tiny little pieces (it wasn't a book book, just an excercise book of my own stuff, I'm not quite that crazy yet) and I want to break things...anything I can get my hands on.
This is helping, typing and writing always calms me, but I can feel the emotion still there, just under the surface, waiting to boil over and crack the fragile wall thats holding it back.
Fuck I'm too poetic for my own good, those words are a load of tripe that just masks the real feelings inside. Thats all words are, masks and disguises for the feelings we don't know how to describe or relate to.
And I've reverted to talking shit so I'll go.
I will try to behave myself. Rest assured I'm not going to do anything really stupid, so there's no need to worry on that score, there is too much to live for, too much that might be salvagable from the wreckage caused by our crashing. There is always hope, and when that's gone, there is always new life.

Endings

It's over.
I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment.
Regret definately, misery certainly, pain and loss, love, fear.
But mainly I just feel numb, and hollow and stretched thin.
I've wondered and doubted for so long whether we were meant to be together, but now it's over I wonder if we were ever meant to be apart.
I'm lost. Aimless and weak and pathetic, and I can only imagine how Pete must be feeling, he never had any doubts about what he wanted, but in the end he couldn't be with someone who wasn't sure if she wanted to be with him.
It hurts, like a physical lump of pain in my chest.
I think I have made a huge mistake, because I miss him already.
I don't think there is any coming back from this tho. I feel drained. I will sleep and maybe things will seem brighter in the morning. Maybe.

Destructivity

I'm in a destructive mood at the moment. But then so is Pete I reckon, he seems intent on wrecking my head. Talking is all very well, but it's not a patch on good old fashioned being really pissed off at someone and wanting to smack them really hard right between the eyes.
To be honest I don't know what's going on, or what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling. Half of me wants to just fuck it all off and go and find a woman to shag, the other half says no, it'll be ok.
If he leaves it much longer I'll go mad. Or just walk away. Or maybe both.