3 years of living a lie
Except it wasn't.
I was never living a lie, all that time I loved him, I really did.
He says I need to make a decision, that saying 'I don't know' is just a way of not having to face up to things. That making a decision is the only way I'll be happy.
He's right about one thing. 'I don't know' is a get out clause, means I don't have to think about stuff I can just bumble along and keep running away. But making a decision is not easy when you can't work out how you feel or what you want or where you are or anything. The only thing I do know is that I'm not in the right frame of mind for being in a relationship at the moment. It's just not fair. I hope he can understand that, and I hope he can learn to live with it.
He says he's not going to read this anymore, that it upsets him. I suppose I have written some pretty harsh things on here over the past few weeks about him. And he didn't deserve any of it, and I didn't mean the vast majority of it, just the way I was feeling and the confusion and self recrimination and self examination got in the way and made me say stuff I didn't mean. I never wanted to hurt him, never ever. And it's too late to say that now because its already happened.
I wish things had never changed. I wish things had stayed so I could understand them and I could still be happy. But they didn't, so I just got to look to the future and try and make some sort of life out of the weird shaped fragments that I have left. Is gonna have holes in it for a while until I find a way of filling them in with something, but I will. Damn, two nights on the run I've cried.
3 Comments:
It's hard because people who've never felt like that don't understand. I went through years feeling like that and it's horrible because people think it's just an excuse but it's not- not understanding your own mind is horrible and confusing, and you are never sure if youy are making decisions for the right reasons. I think taking a step back and not commiting yourself is the best thing to do right now- don't be scared to enter into a new relationship if it feels right, but at the moment it sounds like you are doing the best thing x
I think so, I'm no use to anyone the way I am at the moment anyway, so I'm best just wandering along and seeing what happens. Things will turn out in the end.
It was windy. Gusting. Warm and sunny but the wind, well the wind took the edge off things. But it made her hair move. It whipped about her face, and she had these little star-shaped slides in her hair. And for some of the time, shades. She actually wore shades.
And her skin was so soft. Like a peach (although less yellow and furry) and the music was aimed at the tourists and we both laughed at it, even though right then, at that time, we were indeed being tourists ourselves.
And we were never bored because we were never being boring.
Watch Scrubs. Smile. It's cool, funny and heartbreakingly sad sometimes but never less than hilarious.
Why am I telling you this? Random blogger I stumbled across? Maybe talking to a stranger helps.
Know this: I loved her.
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