Interference

I hate it when she interferes in my life. She strips away every tiny bit of independance I have and makes me feel useless and pathetic, and whats worse is she doesn't listen to anythinng I say.

She can't close her mouth and shut the fuck up for two seconds. She goes through my stuff on the pretense of " I had some washing to do but I didn't have enough for a full load so I got some of yours...You don't mind do you?" I don't want her in my room, I don't trust her, not after she read my diary, and opened my bank statements.

Frankly I'm sick of living in that house, sick of being spoken to like one of her special needs school kids, sick of being treated like I'm retarded, sick of the constant winging, sick of the endless drivel that comes out of her mouth that fills up the blessed silence with meaningless noise. No wonder I can only spend at most an hour in her company, and even that is too much.

Christmas was hell, weekends I spend wandering the streets just to get away from the bitching and prattling. I'm losinng my mind as it is.

I didn't sleep well last night despite the nytol, I had nightmares of being trapped in a dark room surrounded by howling, I was screaming but I couldn't escape. And another dream about my cousins baby girl playing on a busy road and I couldn't reach her no matter how hard I tried, and the cars were speeding towards her. And the worst being in a house with Ben, Gary and Sam, and Gary had overdosed onn heroin, and I was screaming at him, and he was dying, and when I turned to Sam and Ben for help they just laughed at me and their eyes were hungry and their teeth sharpened fangs.

I feel like shit, and tomorrow I have to have an induction to start my temporary promotion, even though I already work there. It's pointless and stupid, I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from everything. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go on this stupid staff night out, and I don't want to see anyone... everythinng I do hurts, I just want to stop hurting. Is that too much to ask?

Caribbean Islands

So yeah, I'm still here. A little woozy from a nytol that I took about half an hour ago, but they help me sleep, so I'm happy to keep taking them for now. I decided on a change of font and style tonight... Unfortunately it won't let me change the colour.

I have got to the stage where I swing from wanting to hit stupid people and bang their heads against a wall til they see sende (namely Sam), to crying like a baby, to being fairly happy. I'm attempting to keep the smile on my face for Gary's sake, but it's hard work, and the cracks are beginning to sow.

I just want to hide somewhere...have my own Caribbean Island where I can hide away, and live in peace away from anyone.

Everything hurts me. Caring about people hurts me, thinking about Sam going to prison hurts me, thinking about Gary struggling with addiction hurts me, thinking about the girl in work who's probably getting sacked soon for her attendance hurts me because she is a decent woman, just had a rough time of it lately. But I can't stop caring, and I can't stop worrying, and so I can't stop hurting.

I wish there was a part of my brain that I could switch off, that I could take out to stop me feeling all this. I feel swamped and overwhelmed by a sea of emotions that I can't control or cope with.

I have now lost the B, the N, the M and the SPACE BBARoff my laptop keyboard and have to press the little rubber pads that are underneath the keys to make the letters come up. It's annoying. I have a new keyborad, I just don't know how to fit it.

And I got a temporary promotion at work...only for about 8 weeks, but it's more money.

It will tide me over til I win the lottery.

Nightmares

So I got some nytols. They can cause some scary shit those things, but only if you take too many, so as I don't want hallucinations or heart attacks, I'm going to stick to the one a night.

Did have some nasty nightmares last night tho. Going on the run with nasty huge police dogs with red eyes chasing me, bring locked in a cell with hungry wolves turning into a cursed person, where everyone I touched burned away to dust in front of me. It might have been the nytol that gave me nightmares, or the fact that I got a bit stoned with Terry in the afternoon. or the fact that things are preying on my mind at the moment, but most likely a combination of all three. I'm trying the nytols again tonight, see how they go. I have to say they're good at making you fall asleep. I took one twenty minutes ago, and I'm almost falling asleep at my keyboard.

I have eaten nothing but crap this weekend.

I really do think I am cursed. Bad things happen to people I love. Look at what I did to Pete, and Gaz before him was crippled by back pain...ok so tecnically that happened before I arrived on the scene, but it got worse when I was around and when he got rid of me he amazingly suddenly got an operation to fix it. Look at the state Gary is in, and now Sam, My mum and Dad aren't having the best run of health at the momrnt, my brother is acccident prone, and even my best mate who I hardly see is having health issues. There's too many other little issues that I can count...And some other big things that go wrong. I'm like the cursed woman on Nightwatch... Possibly a bit of an obscure reference there as the film is Russian and is filmed with subtitles they were supposed to be doing a sequel called Daywatch, but I havent seen it yet.

I think my mind is starting to wander slightly so I'm off to bed. Hopefully a nightmare free refreshing sleep.

Sanity

Sam was released on wednesday night. Gary rang me last night to let me know what was happenning. They raided both flats, knew everything about everything, so Sam is in big trouble. We need to find a way of keeping him out of prison.

Apart from that my mind seems to be settling down again, Not as nuts, the world's gone back to it's normal speed,

Utter Madnrss

I am definatelynlosing my mind. I am also getting drunk at this moment in time. I feel a little saner than I did yeaterday, no weird talk about rainbow children or inside out peacocks. Everything in the world seems to be running too fast, but at least it's settled down to one speed now and isn't jumping about all over the place anymore.

Sam and Ben have been arrestedm Gary told me last night. Ben is a dealer, and Sam was at his flat (cos they're mates) when it got raidedm They're both being held for questioning. Still being held I should say. Ben will go down if there is any justice in the world. He's been supplying my mate with coke, but Sam is just a daft, naived kid...I know he's old enough to take responsibility for his own actions... maybe thats the problem, me and Gary have tended to baby him and keep jhthinking of him like a kid, he's not tho.. Still, he's not a dealer, and hopefully the police will realise that he's innocent of all crimes other than being damn stupid.

I can't help but worry about him tho...if he does get sent down, I don't know that he will survive prison very well...Sam doesn't deserve prison, Ben does, but not Sam.

None of this Is helping my mental heath of course...I didn't sleep last night, not much anyway, when I did I had nightmares... and what with work stress, I'm definately losing the plot... Gary suggested getting one a night over the counter nytols to help me sleep, but they are chemical, not herbal, and I don't know if you can overdose on them, so I thought I'd better not...not that I want to kill myself or anything, but I don't knnow what my mind is doing from one minute to the next, and I don't want to risk accidentally taking too many cos I wander off in a world of my own. Sainsbury's didn't have any herbbal ones...so I'm on the wine. Maybe not a good plan, but I need to stop thinking.

I keep hoping that this last couple of days has been a horrible dream, it feels like it... it's like living inside an episode of cosonation street, except without the irritating accents.

Never mix peperamis with wine.

rainbows

Rainbows fall like children from the sky and inverted peacocks fly around me like transient echoes of thoughts. Maybe the fast and slowness of the world is in my head? I can't tell anymore. The world is shrinking and spinning around me and the words I type don't make sense anymore. People I know are like dark shadows in my mind. The words I've spokenn or texted, however harsh cannot be said to be me, as I don't know who spoke them, or even if they were real or just thought's left unnsaid. I amm alone, but surrounded by whispers, trying hard to seem like normal, but I suspect that they suspect, that they are watching me as carefully as I watch them. Clouds appear now and then to obscure my darkness, and the world seems fuzzy and unreal, disonnected from reality.It all stopped suddennly, a pause for a fraction of a second when it all went wrong, and now the world is wrong, and walk hard is an excellent film, full of humour, I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my drink! I would definately recommend going to see it's either too fast or too slow, and it keeps trying to fix it'self, but never quite gets it right. If I close myeyes I can feel the wrongness of it, like a fuzziness all around me, when previously I could sense it's clarity, even though my eyes see blurriness, my mind could see the true sharp clarity of everything...but now mmy mind is blurred as well. A nd the colour of y thoughts is changing. Before when I closed my eyes and relaxed into myself all I could see was blue, a deep, rich, vibrant blue...now the blue is fadingtoyellow, tinged with red, like a bloodstainned daffodil. My dreams are filled with surgeries, and when I wake Ihave to check myself for scars ad stitches, incase what I dreamed was real and not a dream at all.
Whispers follow me, and I'm pretty certain that they aren't real, but I'm not entirely sure...are they voices of people trying to speak to me that I just can't hear? I don't know anymore. Sometimes I wish they would go away, but then I would be alone. I jhave an interview on friday for a temporary promotion. I should beok by thenn, this kind of thing is fleeting, and transiet, like a summer breeze. I need to sleep better, the lack of it is hurting me, i can't cry. I am angry, biut not angry, and I can't cry. I think I need to cry to wash away the fesr and whispers, crying would set the world straight again, but they know this andso they won't let me. This could be the peak of it...I feel more disjointed thann ever,like a snakewith no bones..

The eain falls evermpre, flooding the sky with grey. I wish things were clear, I wish there waS SOMEONE HER WHOCOULD HOLD ME AND BRING ME BACK. bUT THERE'S NO-ONE LEFT NOW. pETE IS A FUCKER. iT'S TOO LATE TO GO BACK NOW, IT'S BEDTIME, BUT i'M NOT TIRED ANYMORE, i THINK MAYBE i'LL TRY ANYWAY AND HOPE THAT gOD WILL SAVE MY SOUL...i THINK i WILL PRAY. hE WILL save me if I pray.

Almighty Jehovah, creator of all things, help me fightthesedemons sent to hurt me, give me strength and courage in the face of evil, let me find peace and tranquility in your love. Please help me dispell the fears and madness that envelop me. In the name of your son, our Lord, Jesus Christ, Amen

Time to go before the dawn finds me.

I'm sorry for my utterings and my madness.

Forgive me please? All of you.

Frosty

So when I was going to get my free travel p[ass today (there are a few advantages to being blind), I met Pete. The conversation went something like this...

Pete: Kate!

Kate: Oh Hello. (Imagine the most frosty unfriendly tone you can and it won't even come close.)

Pete: How are you doing?

Kate: I'm looking for the Merseytravel centre.

Pete: It's over there. (points)

Kate: Thanks. (Turns and walks away without saying goodbbye)


Fact is I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, or be anywhere near him ever again. And after having a really nice day up until that point with Gary and Sam, meeting him well and truly ruined it for me. Instead of having nice happy 'I've had a good day' thoughts in my head, I then had nasty, angry 'I hate him, I wish I'd never met him' thoughts. I'm angry with him, and angry with myself for letting the twisted lying bastard affect me still..

I canjh't deal with this anger anymore. I wish I could wipe all the memories away and just forget that I'd ever met him. He's fucked with my head enough, I don't want to let him do it to me anymore, but I can't seem to help it.

I don't BELIEVE it!

It's hard to believe that Y've been writing this blog for over three and a half years. Yes, Kate's life is officially four years old on 23rd May.
It's quite scary when you think about it...all those thoughts and ideas and feelings and rants over four years of my life, all written down here for everyone to read. Not that everything gets put in of course. There are a few secrets I keep, but mostly I just write what I feel.

I bought a USB hub the other day cos I'm sick of only having one port in the back of my laptop. It's shaped like the TARDIS, has a light on the top, and when you plug in or unplug a USB lead, it makes the ssshhhng ssshhhng sound of the TARDIS as it moves through time... It is a truly amazing and truly geeky thing to own.

And I got a new keyboard for my laptop as this one is losing keys. Just waiting for it to arrive now, and then all I need is someone who knows how to fit them lol.

My first choice would be Gary, but as he's probably going to aus soon, and isn't really in a fit state to do anything, I guess I'll have to find someone else.

Probably not a good idea to attempt it myself, what with being officially visually impaired and all. I'm registered now so I can get a free travel pass.

I have also won £17.50 on the lottery in the past 5 days...£7.50 on euromillions on friday and a tenner on wednesday. I'm only playing one line per draw on the main draws...none of this thunderball crap or magic number or whatever the hell it is. So currently I'm making a profit cos it's my first week!

What to write?

Indeed what to write... My mate is going into hospital next week, hopefully anyway, to detox, then he might be goinjg to Aus for a couple of months so we can finally get him off the stuff. It is killing him. He's had a very shit time over the past year or so, and he's not coping, or rather he is coping by taking drugs, which boils down to the same as not coping. It breaks my heart to see him killing himself by inches, knowing there's very little I can do. I miss how he used to be.

Life is great at kicking you when your already down, great at stamping on you when you're already face down in the mud. Half the time I feel like I/m drowning anyway, and then something happens and not only am I drowning but I'm drowning in shit.

I'm sick of fighting all the time, sick of struggling with everything, and I'm really beginning to wish I hadn't got drunk, and stoned last night, cos it's beginning to affect my mind... Not that I wasn't going crazy in the first place, cos I was, but I needed to chill out, and it worked for a few hours, but now I just feel miserable. So what do I need to spend the rest of my life smashed out of my skull, or twitchy and paranoid, or suicidally depressed? Thats not a great choice by anybody's standards.

I think I'll get some sleep, I might feel better in the morning...?

P.S. I Love You

A good film, I cried and laughed all the way through it, and the performances were beautiful and heart breaking. Hilary Swank was wonderfully yet believably dramatic and full of pathos as a woman who has lost the love of her life to illness, and the story is both refreshingly light and tearful all at the same time. I like this film a lot, tho I think it is definately a chick flick... I think there is only one man I know that might enjoy this film, and thats because he's a big softy ahnd cried watching 'The Holiday. Lisa Kudrow appears as the best friend, playing a typical Lisa Kudrow part, but is still good, and James Marsters also appears (Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) without the Blonde qyuiff. Ithink he is a much underused and unnderrated actor. Mys core? I couldn't fault this film really so 5/5

Truth or Lies

What do you do when you love someone?
When someone you love tells you something terrible about a friend of theirs, someone you are both close to, tells you they have done something unforgivable, what do you do? Do you stand by the person you love completely? Do you take their word as gospel truth ir do you try to convince them to talk to the friend and find out what's going on?

What do you do when it all blows up and everyone goes their separate ways? Do you tell the friend exactly why his best mate isn't speaking to him any more? Do you then walk away from the whole situation and try to rebuild bridges with the man you love?

And what happens when thinngs get messy later on and the relationship with the man you loved goes sour... things are done and said that can't be mended, on both sides.

And then ohne day someone comes and tells you that they have seen the man you once loved, out and about, happily hanging around with the friend who had done this unforgivable thing.

How do you feel? Suspicious? Betrayed? Like you've been lied to?

I feel exactly like that... I feel like every word he ever spoke to me was a lie, because in my mind there is only two explainations... the man I loved lied to me about what his best friend did, for some unfathomable reason, probably to do with the fact that he was jealous of our friendship and wanted to poison me against him, or he is hanging round with his friend despite the fact that he has done this unforgivable thing.

Either way it makes him a very evil twisted man. And if his friend is innocent of the accusations levelled at him by his BEST FRIEND what lies has the man I loved told him to get him back on side? I can only guess at the lies and fabrications that make up his twisted world.

Of course I may be wrong...there may be a reasonable explaination... Knowing my ex, I am inclined to believe he lied, as thats all he ever did to me.

It makes me sad that I wasted part of my life on him.