awakenings

Each day I wake up, and I look around my room with my bleary eyes, at the crap all over the floor, and the fish swimming in their tank, and I think 'Dear God, another day.' This is not good. It is not right. I don't want to be here, at this point in my life, wishing that I was sixteen again and going into a crappy office job. When I was sixteen I had some dreams, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but I was sure that I would do quite well for myself whatever I decided on. Actually that isn't true, I had no confidence in myself even then, primary school made sure of that...when you're told you're not up to standard nearly every day for seven years it kinda makes you start to believe it...but I digress. Somehow I always hoped that I'd get good results, and go to sixth form..I was going to do art at sixth form and biology and geology. My dad soon persuaded me that art didn't fit with that and that I'd be better doing chemistry. I might have done better at art, but I digress yet again...Once in sixth form I was determined to do well enough to go to university, and lo and behold I did. And look where I am now. Working at the Co-op for £5 an hour, six days a week. Not quite what I had imagined when I was in school. I feel it wasn't quite what my parents had imagined either. I can still see the look of pride on my dad's face when I got to university, and at my graduation. I was the first Hunt to go to university and get a degree. I got a 2.2. I wasn't that happy with it, but I guess I never should have started the degree in the first place, my heart wasn't really in it. I didn't fit in, even with my group of friends, and certainly not with the super-fit, super trendy 'It' people. The best time I had on that course was doing my dissertation field work...On my own, no one to answer to but myself...it was bliss. And I think that is the crux of it...I have never been good at working in a team, I can't seem to get the balance right...I either end up as the person that takes over and makes a huge cock up of everything and everybody ends up hating, or I sit in the back ground and let people boss me around. Bob says that about me, although he puts it more nicely 'I don't let him down' he says, 'I can always be depended on' Yes, depended on to do all the little jobs that no one else wants to do, the dirty jobs, I let people take advantage of my inability to say no. 'Kate can you come in and do all these extra hours for me?' Yes of course I can. 'Kate can you stand on checkouts for 9 hours with out complaint?' Yes of course I can. 'Kate if I go home early so I can laze around doing nothing for the rest of the day, can you cover my hours for me?' Yes of course I can 'Kate will you be my doormat please?' Yes of course, just wipe your boots on my face.
:::sigh::: I sound bitter. I know I do. If I thought anyone would employ me, I would hand in my notice right now, do what Pete has done, give up work and hope and pray that something turns up soon. Pete will find something, he has relative experience, an employable personality and the confidence to walk into a room and sell himself, and the added bonus of being able to get on with everyone and fit in with any group of people. I can't do that, if I chucked in work, I'd be in serious trouble. And being afraid of people doesn't help.
Ah fuck, I don't know what kind of point I'm trying to make with all this. to be honest, I feel like the last 8 years of my life have been a complete waste of time, energy and money..education and job wise I mean, some parts I wouldn't change for the world, like Pete, and my mates, but aside from those, if you look at my life since I left sixth form, all I have done is run up some tidy sums in student debts, and ended up with a degree that is next to useless, being unemployable and stuck in a stupid pointless job. All I know is retail, and I'm not even any good at that...I could get away with being crap at it in Sainsbury's, the team was bigger so I was lost in it, but working in a tiny little co-op, I stick out like a sore thumb as being the trailing member of the team. The one that lags behind that everyone else has to support. Actually, that is not entirely true, that is the blackest picture. There are certain jobs that I do that are important...it's not that no one else could do them, just that they are jobs allocated to me. Code checking on a sunday, reducing stuff that is going out of date in the week, faxing off the sales figures. My jobs. Jobs to make me feel useful, except that they don't really, if I wasn't there the jobs would still get done, someone would check the dates and reduce the goods and fax off the figures. I am probably the most expendable person on the team.
Jesus, I wish I hadn't started this now, I should be in bed trying to sleep, but instead I'm wittering on, making my life sound like a complete waste of time. But it isn't, I know it isn't, I just need to find a focus for my energy (whats left of it). And I have said all this before I know..'need to be focused'...'need to get out of the rut'...'need to do something'...etc etc etc, blah blah blah.
Thing is it is far easier said than done, motivation is far more easily lost than found, I need some time, but time is always running out.
Heh, I am quite surprised that I'm not crying yet. Normally by this point in my self deprecating thought processes I am in tears, but in actual fact, this time I'm kinda sick of my own whinging, angry with myself that I can't seem to fight the apathy. Anger is good, anger can lead to action, CAN lead to action...but I know myself all too well, I'm fuming now, but come the morning, my alarm will go off and I will switch it off, turn over and go back to sleep, turning my back on the promises I make to myself tonight, the tasks that I intend to attempt will be cast aside and I will feel like I have let myself down again, as I do every morning when I look in the mirror and see my face, guilty eyes staring back at me.
Fuck. I'm a drama queen. I am. Melodramatic, over reacting, stuck record, kinda pathetic.
Fuck fuck fuck
I want to stand in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere and scream and scream and scream til my throat hurts from screaming and then scream a bit more til I physically can't do it anymore. I want to smash shit. Thats a bad sign, sometimes when I want to smash shit and can't because of living with my mum and dad and stuff, I try and find another way of releasing the fucked up anger and tension, like hurting people, but the only person I hurt is me, either by thought or by blade.
Ah shit. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I really do detest myself. I don't want to post this, but I will, because it is the truth, it is honest and it is what is in my head right now.
The urge to hurt is fading, like the frequent urges I get to buy cigarettes and smoke do. It's an addiction, but it's one I can resist most of the time. I think I am getting better at it.
You will all think I'm crazy after this. I think I'm crazy sometimes, if I was one of my friends I'd be concerned about me after reading all this crap, but that's not my intention, I don't want worry or pity or anything. I just needed to get stuff off my chest and well, I'm crap at actually talking about stuff..Pete knows that for sure. This thing is like free therapy. I can shout at it and talk about anything because it's inanimate, it won't get hurt. I guess it's kinda selfish saying all this when I know people are going to read it and be worried about it, but I look at it this way...If I'm writing this fucked up nonsense on here, I'm not keeping it locked in my head where it could do more damage...I mean you wouldn't want to open the paper tomorrow and find I'd walked onto a packed train with a machine gun and killed everyone on it would you? (Not that I would, machine guns are too difficult to get hold of, and kinda hard to smuggle through station security)
I have drivelled enough. Time to sleep, perchance to dream.
And tomorrow I will wake up, remember all this crap and die of mortification, I know myself.