stuff
I have this kinda 'whats the point?' mentality at the moment. Kinda, whats the point in getting out of bed? Whats the point in applying for jobs, I'm not going to get an interview? Whats the point in going to work? Whats the point in doing anything?
I'm still going to work, tho the customers keep telling me to smile and even Bob has noticed that I'm not myself. In fact aside from Pete and the Doctor, he's the only person that I see on any regular basis, that has noticed I'm down. He asked me what was wrong with me the other day, said he didn't like seeing me miserable. I know I moan about Bob quite a lot, but he's not so bad, can be quite good at times.
It has to be said that I'm more cheerful than I was before. I got home from work, after waiting ages for the bus, went upstairs and just cried. I'm sick and tired of my life, and this crappy feeling, like I'm helpless and so fucking miserable I can't think straight. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. Except that I wouldn't, couldn't be that selfish. There's Pete, Chris, Phil and Charley, Hab, Joey, Jack, my mum and Dad, My brother and Caroline... all people who care about me and who I love. When I'm so down that I start thinking stupid thoughts, I see all these people in my head and I realise I don't hate my life that much.
There's a lot that I want to do... See my brother get married, see my scribbles in print, be happy, have a decent job where I can afford to have a house and a garden, read as much as I can... so much, and I know that if I can just get past this nasty, miserable blip, that I can do all that. I can be happy, I know it, deep down. It's just my mind doesn't believe me right now.
5 Comments:
Hang in there hun, you need a target to focus your mind. It could be something small, like making yourself get out of bed at a certain time even though you don't feel like it, or a big one like writing to 5 companies asking for a job. Or even something like, today I'm going to read that book, or go the gym. I find having targets can give me a point to what I'm doing.
Hope this helps
xxC
damn right girl, about the caring. patronising bullshit it maybe, but you just gotta find the point, and i mean you have pete and he's great, so you're not alone. but anyway, i knows you've got the pills, which i never stuck out, but i suggest comfort food, beer, piercings and loud music. but in all seriousness, find your point katie, cos its there. plus you're great, nice face and that heh
love,
joey xx
It could be worse though, m'dear.
You could be a huge fat sweating stinking hypocritical fat bastard who's in love with a huge ugly fat American female clone of himself, who only wants £250,000 so he won't ever have to work again despite never having worked in the first place, being so morbidly fucking obese that the only job he'd ever get is as stand in for Jabba the Hutt and thinking that the world a) loves you and b) owes you a living.
You may be depressed m'lovie, but at least you're semi pretty and NOT a huge fat sweating stinking hypocritical fat crap beardy bastard with a long shit ponytail who's in love with a huge ugly fat American female clone of himself, who "only" wants £250,000 so he won't ever have to work again despite never having worked in the first place, nor even looked for work and being so morbidly fucking obese that the only job he'd ever get is as stand in for Jabba the Hutt and thinking that the world a) loves you and b) owes you a living.
Love from Mart hahahahahahah
(not really Mart)
Thank you, all of you. Chris for offering me sensible advice and support, Joey for saying I have a nice face and that peeps do care, and Jack for making me piss myself laughing.
lol you should ask pete what else i said...if he can remember
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