Falling Apart

Today I felt like I had fallen into a pit with no hope of being rescued, a deep, steep, slippery, cold, wet hole. I was ok in the morning, same as yesterday really, not too happy, but not too sad either. I went to the doctor, told her I'd been feeling better, which I have been generally, and that I was sleeping better, which I have, except for saturday night, She asked me about work and whether I was looking for a better job etc. She actually seemed interested and concerned for my well being...You know how some doctors just want to get you in and out as quickly as possible and don't seem to really care what's wrong with you, they just want to write you a prescription and then get the next patient in? Dr Hare is not like that, she's human. She said I seemed like an intelligent person, and that I should be doing more than what I am doing at the moment, she was really nice, and suggested I do a computer course to help me get somewhere. I am considering that, but you no what I am like, no motivation, and it's so difficult to be motivated when I feel like shit. I'll get there eventually tho. Dr Hare also asked if I spoke to my family about how I'm feeling and what's happening. The answer to that is no. I don't know why, I never feel I can talk to my family about stuff like this, I suppose I kinda feel like I'm letting them down in some way, I know that sounds stupid, I know they love me whatever...My mum has always said that she doesn't care what I do as long as I am happy, but, well, the fact is, I've been depressed, on and off since I was 15 when my hormones really kicked in (and yes I do realise that I should have done something about it ages ago, but I didn't cos I'm stupid), and the thing is, that all that time, my family didn't notice how miserable I was. I'm not blaming them, maybe I'm a better actress than I thought I was. It was kind of shameful telling the doctor when she asked if any of my family had noticed that I'd been a bit down, that none of them had.
Anyway, She said that I should go back and see her again in a couple of weeks before my pills run out, and then take it from there, decide whether I need to stay on them for a while or come off them.
I left feeling ok, but it didn't last long. The rest of the day is kind of a daze. Like I was walking around in the dark. One of the customers asked me if I was in a bad mood again, and I just wanted to cry. Bob was asking me about Manchester and I was like 'yeah I'm just going to see some friends' like I couldn't work up any enthusiasm even for that and I am looking forward to it. Bob did manage to cheer me up a little by telling me that he had no friends...at least I do have friends, some very good friends who stick by me even when I'm miserable and whiney like I am now. He kept telling me to smile, this as he is leaving the shop to go home while I still have another hour of bloody checkouts to go.
Fortunately as I left work the bus turned up, which was good, cos in my frame of mind I'd have been crying my eyes out if I'd had to wait for ages in the cold at the bus stop. I did have a very mild panic attack on the bus, which isn't good, and then when I got home Mum had a go at me because I didn't want the stew she had made and I'd brought home a pizza from work. The stew was nasty anyway, usually she makes really good stew, but this one was tasteless and weird..I don't know, maybe it was me, she reckoned it was the same as she usually makes it. The pizza wasn't that nice either.
I hope tomorrow is better, I don't want another today.
On the plus side Bob is still saying I can have friday off, not sure if he knows Jean is off on friday too...will have to make sure because I don't want him ringing me on friday morning saying 'Kate can you come in please?'