Sticking at it.

Wednesday was stressful and harsh. Thinking about shit that was happening in our heads, me and gary were considering splitting up for a while, to give us a chance to let go of our previous relationships. It was a very bad feeling.
Thursday was better. Gary thought about the shit in his head, and I did some hard thinking about Pete, and my feelings for women, and all the crap thats in my head...it was kinda touch and go for a short while, but the power of positive thinking on Gary's part, and a determination on my part not to let Pete (even if it wasn't his fault) split us up, and a realisation that I really do need to tet go of him and move on.
Anyway...my mum's friend at work managed to get us tickets to see a deep Purple tribute band on thursday night at the Iron Door. They were really cool, if a little loud (god I sound like my mum) and we had fun there. Then we went to see Harry Potter with Craig and Sam and a girl called Claire. At 5 past midnight woo!
It's quite good, missed huge chunks out of the book, but good anyway.
A night out together was just what we needed. It doesn't do us any good staying in his room day after day for hours on end. We go a bit stir crazy.
Anyhoo, Friday we went to Quiggins...yes it's still there, and I bought a skirt and some tights and some nail varnesh, and have ordered a very sexy black PVC dress. I love PVC.
We went to the Tiv and had a crap night, due to some weirdness from me, and generally crap music...On the way back I chilled a bit with some weed in the car, but after taking my happy pill I had a nasty scary paranoidy frightened spell, and it took Gary a good hour to calm me down enough so that we could sleep. In total, the weirdyness lasted about 15 hours, and Gary was on the verge of calling or taking me to the out of hours doctors cos I was scaring that much. It took him breaking down and getting upset to snap me out of it. I feel dreadful about that, but a lot of what Gary said to me while I was freaking out made sense...He asked me why I never told my mum and dad about the depression and the freaky mood swings. I am considerin doing so...just don't know how. He also said I need to think more positive. I agree with that...it's done him the world of good. And my happy pills...it seemed to him like that was what was causing the problem...because apparetly I was fine one minute and paranoid and crying and fightened the next...like something chemical had just kicked in. It's worth thinking about...I will definately talk to dr Perkins about it.
After all the upheaval and crap on friday night and saturday, we didn't really feel like going out on saturday night, but we ended up going anyway and had a great night...due mainly to a goodly amount of base, an incredibly sexy boyfriend, and some amazing music...both in the car on the way there, and in the club...Rockworld on manchester. When we got back we were happy and content and well...yeah...you can use your imagination on the rest. Suffice it to say I haven't slept at all since lunchtime yesterday...

Grieving

I need to cry. But I'm unable to.
I need to grieve for the end of a relationship, but I am numb and empty. I can't feel anything anymore. I know deep down under the shell there is love for Gary, and love for Pete and other turmoiled emotions, but I can't reach them.
I feel adrift.
I feel like I want to hurt myself, just so that I can feel something, but I can't. I won't let myeslf, and I made a promise tonight that I wouldn't.
I hate this.
I want to be free.
I want to be able to grieve properly for the relationship I had with Pete, so that I can move on and enjoy the blossoming relationship that is happening with Gary.
My head is too fucked up with everything right now to know what I want or what I need and I'm terrified of hurting the people I love any more than I already have.

Going nowhere

I thought things were going ok, despite all the hard stuff I've had to deal with over the past few weeks. It seems misery hasn't finished with me yet tho.
I don't know whats wrong with me.
I couldn't get Pete out of my head before...its like he still has a hold on me even now, even tho I don't love him, he's still influencing my mind.
I don't want that...I want to be abl to concentrate on the things that I want NOW. Like Gary, and my health and getting better after my eye op, and my job.
I suppose it will take time.

Operation Blind reverse

It is such a weird feeling being put under general anaesthetic. Kinda like falling while lying down. Not a bad feeling...waking up is worse because you want to wake up properly and be awake and stuff, but you can't...there's no control over your body.
The nurse that was with me when I woke up was lovely...she had a beautiful smile. I nearly..in my woozy, half asleep state..told her how pretty she was. But I didn't.
As far as I know the operation went well...I haven't seen the doctor yet, or had any feedback, but I have a clinic appointment next week to see the consultant. I do have a black spot in my vision which is concerning me slightly, but it's low down on my peripheral vision so it doesn't affect me too much, and it could just be something to do with where they put the stroid injections. I suppose I will just have to wait and see what the doctor says next week. If it is permanent, I will just have to live with it...it could be a lot worse after all.
I am a little down. Probably a combination of stress and general anaesthetic and having a cold and being generally fed up with how my life is at the moment. The only good thing right now is Gary. And my friends of course. I am looking forward to going to manchester in a couple of weeks to see Jack and Joey and Hab and whoever else turns up.
I just wish things could be simpler.
I wish Pete could accept whats happened without feeling the need for violence.

Hatred

It's amazing how quickly love can turn into all consuming hatred for someone. And how quickly you can change your opinion about people.
And yes, I am talking about Pete.
He is the most infuriating, selfish, pig headed, ignorant, malicious, vindictive, unforgiving, hateful, violent, nasty shit I have ever had the misfortune to know, let alone love.
He treated me like shit for three years..everything I did, I did to try and make him happy, everything I said was to try and keep him from getting hurt, however it turned out or however misguided it was it was all for him...and he couldn't wait to sleep with the first slapper he came across...EVERY TIME we split up. He broke my heart four or five times...so many that I have lost count and I forgave him every single time, and took him back even tho he made me feel like shit, like I was always the one to blame for everything that was wrong in out relationship. He didn't love me. He loved an image of me that he wanted to turn me into, and in the end I couldn't be that person and it made me unhappy. He made me love him, and he made me fall out of love with him. And at the end of it all when I broke up with him, he hated me, he made me feel so bad about myself for breaking his heart that I wanted to kill myself...and I am the SELFISH BITCH?
And now, when I have found love with one of his friends, all he wants to do is to destroy us. He wants to hurt us and kick shit out of Gary...even if it costs him a criminal record, and his job. These are not the actions of a rational, sane human being..these are the actions of a fucked up, insane individual with no concept of the meaning of love and forgiveness. I'm not saying he's not hurting...I know he is, but most sane people would accept it and move on.

Well I don't care...I am past the point of caring about Pete anymore, I am past the point of feeling anything for him except contempt and yes...hatred. He overstepped the mark when he told a friend of mine he was going to kill himself...purely because he thought this friend would call me and tell me this and that it would upset me and hurt me.
Well that one backfired didn't it Pete? You think you can manipulate me like that? You're wrong because I know you, I know how your mind works, and the devious, vicious little tricks you play.
I won't let you ruin our lives, but I swear to God, you can come after us, you can attck me, you can attack Gary, and I WILL call the police, and I WILL press for the highest charges they can lay on you, and I WILL make sure you lose your job and you ruin your life...because in the end it is you that will ruin it...not us...you could go the way of violence and end up with nothing, or you could leave it and walk away...your life, your choice.

Complicated

Yes it's a mess, but it's our mess. And we'll get through it no matter what happens.
No matter how it looks to anyone outside of us, we didn't want to hurt anyone, we certainly didn't mean to cause so much pain...we just fell in love. Unlooked for, unplanned, it just happened.
We make eachother happy.

Shit

So I have to have a medical procedure on my eyes...involving general anasthetic, steroid injections to the eyeballs and laser treatment. It should prevent me going blind. It could well however reduce my vision.
I'm kinda depressed.
I have broken Allan's heart a bit more.
The Pete situation seems to have stabilised to slightly frosty civility and general enquiries as to the state of eachother's health. To be honest it's all a bit much for me...can't handle speaking to him when I have so much else on my mind.
Sue has given me friday and monday off as annual leave cos I was fucked up in work today...too much on my mind and very little sleep.
And I seem to have fallen in love.

considerations

Things I want to do...

1. Make myself unappealing to everyone.
2. Go to Borneo and play with the Orangutans
3. Find a cure for heartache.
4. Have lots of meaningless sex with a woman.
5. Stop falling in love.
6. Healing wounds
7. Live til I'm 30
8. Explain myself so that people will understand me.
9. Stop being depressed.
10. Open my heart completely to one special person
11. Live for the moment.
12. Stop worrying.
13. Be beautiful.
14. Be confident.
15. Be happy.
16. Let go of the past.
17. Accept what has happened and move on.
18. Have money.
19. Be a virgin again.
20. Be healthy
21. Have a home of my own.
22. Blow things up.
23. Build things
24. Make jewelery
25. Make pottery.
26. Adopt a snake.
27. Be able to love again.
28. Be decisive.
29. Be unafraid.
30. Have peace.

The pointlessness of existance

I had an extremely bad day today...to the point of emailing Pete and telling him basically that he'd ruined my life. Probably not the best plan in the world.
I feel a lot better now with a little help from a friend. I went for a drive with Kirsty from work who happened to be passing as I sat shivering at the bus stop and stopped to see if I was ok. We talked a lot, she's having problems with her ex at the moment, and I'm really not coping well with the whole me and Pete situation so we chatted and managed to cheer eachother up a bit.
I had decided not to go out on saturday because of how I was feeling. But not I think I will...I need the fun.

Joey has cheered me up. I've been in a really miserable mood all day.

The things you talk about late at night!

HabibButt [23:28]: i have been kissed by a gay guy
SereneSarong [23:28]: oh aye?
SereneSarong [23:28]: did you enjoy it?
HabibButt [23:29]: left me curious
HabibButt [23:29]: kinda happened suddenly
SereneSarong [23:29]: was it a proper kiss?
HabibButt [23:29]: from his end yes
HabibButt [23:29]: not his end "end"
SereneSarong [23:29]: lol
HabibButt [23:29]: god thats an image i could do without before bed
SereneSarong [23:30]: curious how?
HabibButt [23:30]: was that a good kiss?
HabibButt [23:30]: to receive of a guy
SereneSarong [23:31]: it probably would have been better if you'd joined in
SereneSarong [23:31]:
HabibButt [23:31]: it happened to fast
HabibButt [23:31]: he was convinced i was gay, so deeply was i buried in the closet, that even i didnt know i was gay
HabibButt [23:31]: cos apparently no sober straight guy likes the village people
SereneSarong [23:31]: well yeahh he has a point there
HabibButt [23:32]: i know
SereneSarong [23:32]: you don't really know do you?
HabibButt [23:32]: am kinda sure that I am not gay
SereneSarong [23:32]: but not sure that you aren't bi?
HabibButt [23:33]: does cross my mind
SereneSarong [23:33]: I think perhaps you should go to a gay bar and see what happens when you kiss a guy properly
HabibButt [23:34]: i know quite a few gay bars

Sorting things out

Allan didn't take it as well as I thought he had, if the text stalking was anything to go by.
I met him in the pub tonight to try and explain things a bit better, and to tell him to stop trying to protect me from stuff I don't need protecting from, and to stop apologising for things that aren't his fault, and to stop trying to wrap me in cotton wool, and to basically stop worrying about me. Oh and also to stop texting Sarah at 7am to tell her to look after me...like I can't look after myself. Well I guess I can't very well, but I need to do it or I'll never learn to cope with life.
Anyway we talked a lot, and he said he can't help how he feels, and he'll try not to worry about me so much and will stop being so irritatingly nice about everything, and he wants to be friends, which is what I want too...he's a nice guy, and he will make somebody a wonderful boyfriend. Just not me.
So we parted tonight on good terms, after a few tears and stuff.

And the fool still thinks I am a nice person. There's no accounting for some people.
Apparently he's not the only one either.

But I have come to the fairly harsh and painful conclusion that you can't make yourself love someone, no matter how hard you try, or how much you want to. Love is something evil and unexplainable that can't be controlled or subjugated. I hate love, it is a fickle and cruel creature.