It makes you think

Things seem bad sometimes, but there are two men that come into the Co-op that are an inspiration to me and probably others too. One of them is called Norman, the other I'm unsure of his name but it could be Will. Both of them have had their legs amputated at the knees. Will because of severe frostbite (apparently) and Norman because of illness. Both have had their ups and dons over the last few months, Norman we didn't see in the co op for a long time because after he had his legs amputated, he couldn't get out of his huse until the council had put in a ramp for him...now we see him two or three times a day and he always stops for a chat and is friendly and cheerful. Will went through a bad patch when he suffered a set back, and started drinking heavily, but after a period when all the staff were really worried about him, he came back to the store, not in a wheelchair as normal, but in a motorised shopping scooter and sporting a pair of brand new legs, like Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump. Now he walks to the shop with the aid of a stick. It makes you think doesn't it...we all have our problems, but if these two men can overcome the disadvantages of having limbs amputated, and still come through it smiling, surely that suggests that whatever problems we face, they are not insurmountable, it just takes courage and determination...

Fat Slags

Heh, just got back from pete's, and we both got the bus, cos he was going out with Kate in liverpool. Anyway, these two large girls got on the bus after us. I have nothing against large ladies, but these two were dressed like they thought they were size tens, and bitched constantly about everyone who got off and on the bus. All I can say is 'look to your own image before you start dissing others, ladies.' Granted, I am making judgements about them based on my own tastes and style, which is wrong of me. I shouldn't say that what they wear is wrong because they are big girls, and because I don't like to see acres of bulging flesh poking out from between their short skirts and their cropped tops. They are obviously happy, and that is all that should matter. I guess I am just a hypocrite.

bugger

I had written a post last night about wanting to get my nipple pierced and blaming it on Joey for having hers done and making them look so nice, and Hab for talking about themm but unfortunately, blogger decided to fuck up and hasn't posted it up, it's completely gone. Never mind, that was the general gyst of the post anyway...

To Die For

How can it hurt
when I feel no pain
how can it heal
when I look the same

I've been searching all my mornings
for the last breath of a dream
are you drowning or just waving
cos I'm tearing at the seams

I wanna live
And I wanna breathe
always thought you'd be the one to set me free
But I can forgive
cos you make me believe in something more
now I only want to live if I can find
find somebody to die for
find somebody to die for

How can you lose
if it's not a game
how can you love
if you're never gonna change

I've been searching all my mornings
for the last breath of a dream
are you drowning or just waving
cos I'm tearing at the seams

I wanna live
and I wanna breathe
always thought you'd be the one to set me free
but I can forgive
cos you make me belive in something more
now I only want to live if I can find
find somebody to die for
find somebody to die for

gonna find my way
through the maze of my desire
come what may bitter love or wasted time
you might say
I'm chasing shadows in my mind
but there's a light that guides my way to all I live for
somebody to die for

I wanna live
and I wanna breathe
always thought you'd be the one to set me free
but I can forgive
cos you make me believe in something more
now I only want to live if I can find
find somebody to die for
find somebody to die for

-Rooster, 'to die for'

I've found my somebody to die for. Always and forever, my angel.

Doubts

I'm supposed to be going to manchester soon to see some of the UK sci fi gang. Thing is, I'm not sure I want to. I mean I love these guys to bits, and I get on really well with them, but I always end up feeling left out and like an outsider. Not just with them, with everyone at the moment, I don't seem to fit anywhere, and I can see the meet up in my head, everyone enjoying themselves and having a really great time, and then me sitting in the corner, watching everyone else having fun, on my own feeling dejected and miserable and probably trying not to cry. I had a minor panic attack just thinking about it tonight. Maybe it would be better if I passed on this one, I don't want to bring the mood of the whole party down.

Rooster...

I bought the album today, I would have got it sooner, but it was only released today. It's good, they're like a cross between Nickelback and The Calling, but with a heavy dollop of cheesy riffs and lyrics that are reminiscent of Extreme. They are good, I'd recommend you go and buy it, or download it or whatever.

Working things out...

Pete has forgiven me for being a pain in the arse. I hope it's the right choice for him, but I'm really glad that he made that choice and not turned the other way and decided I was too much hassle. Because I am, I know I am.
I need to make a concious effort now to talk to him and be honest about what I'm feeling and not to keep stuff from him because I think it's going to hurt him. He's a big boy, he can take most of the stuff I can throw at him. He loves me :-) that makes me smile.

Pete

I walked home from Pete's. I've just got in now and I'm frozen.
I feel numb. We talked a bit, mainly long difficult silences tho because I cannot talk, not to him, not to anyone.
He's thinking things over, so am I, but I can't help but feel that he would be better off without me, he needs someone that doesn't treat him like shit because she can't express what she's feeling and what she's thinking in her head. I don't want to lose him, I don't want to break up with him, I love him to pieces and I don't know how I'd cope without him, but he needs to be happy, and as I've said before, I just drag him down and I don't want to do that any more.
I hope he makes the right decision for him.

killing time

Well, I'm here because I'm stuffing my face with porridge before I go to the gym and I'm trying to kill time. Not going to be too energetic today I think, maybe a walk on the treadmill and a bit of swimming depending how busy the pool is.
Then I'm going to see Pete see if we can sort out this mess we've got ourselves into again. He doesn't know I'm going round.

songs

Lets talk this over,
It's not like we're dead.
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me Hanging
In a city so dead,
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread.

Avril Levigne, 'My happy ending'

Been listening to this quite a lot recently. Its a great album, better than her first, she's matured a hell of a lot. This one has to be my favourite song on the album, but it's a close run thing.

Stony Silence

I stayed at Pete's last night, and right now I wish I hadn't. For some reason we both seemed to be in a kind of antagonistical mood. I'm not going to go into details, but we spent most of the evening apart, he went to bed early, and I stayed up watching a film. This morning I left without saying goodbye. I feel even worse now than I have for the last few days.
I love him, but I think he'd be better off with someone else. Someone happy for starters, cos I'm just dragging him down with me.

The Job

I didn't get it. Thats about all I got to say about it really. Someone better came along.

Tears

Crying in the rain
Tears from the mind
Melted drops of memory
Of times long left behind

Broken dreams and twisted thoughts
Mingled with the storm
Places locked inside my head
Trying to find their home

Pointless paths, Confusing signs
Decisions wrongly made
Leave me feeling lost inside,
Make me feel afraid.

I'm a shell of who I used to be,
A shadow, wraith, a ghost
Picking up the pieces
Of a mind thats almost lost.



I'm not great today. Feeling kinda down about stuff, the direction my non life seems to be going in. I'm fed up of living with my parents, fed up of having no money despite living with my parents, fed up of working shit hours for shit money, fed up of feeling like an outsider no matter where I go or what I do. The only good thing about me at the moment is Pete. Love is saving me.

night out

It was Pete's mum's birthday and his brother's birthday too last week, so we went out for a meal in Liverpool last night. We went to a restaurant called Simply Heathcotes. The food was excellent, but the service it has to be said wasn't great, and there were little details in presentation that could have been better...you tend to notice these things a little more when you dine with a chef (Martin, Pete's brother) and his girlfriend, Kat, who works with him. Anyway despite the service a good night was had by all, got home late and came online for a short while.
Kelly IMed me a bit later on, and we had a really strange conversation about her breasts. Apparently she went to have them measured yesterday (personally I would never do tat, it's kinda embarrassing, or at least I reckon it would be...) anyway, she thought she was about a C cup, but it turns out that she is an E cup. I mean that is impressive by anyones standards, and she is only ickle, she's shorter than I am! But anyway, it was quite a bizarre convo.
Well, I haven't heard anything about the job yet...still waiting and seeing, but I've just about convinced myself that I haven't got it. Heh, the way I see it, if I do get the job I can only be pleasantly surprised...

Angelina Jolie

Angelina is Bisexual! At least according to the National Enquirer :::koff::: we all know how accurate that publication is.
Still maes you think doesn't it...all I have to do now is go to her house and make her fall in love with me.....

Freedom

This post has been deleted, it was crap and totally irrelevant to my life or the lives of anyone I know. It was not intended to cause offence or hurt to anyone, and I apologise to those who have been affected by it.

Anyone who didn't read the post before it was deleted will not get an explaination of this statement, you will just have to accept it and like it people...

The Interview

Well, as far as I can tell, the interview went brilliantly. Phil, the managing director who did the interview seemed really impressed with me, but then, when I went in he immediately put me at ease and made me feel welcome which was half the battle won as far as I am concerned, that laid my nerves to rest and I was able to relax and answer his questions in a sensible and coherent manner, which is always a bonus. After the initial interview, there was a practical bit, which I didn't know anything about until he sprang it on me, but I think I did well on that, he Kept saying that I had done well anyway which is always a good sign (unless he was a seriously good actor, I am sure he was genuinely impressed.) The practical bit was like a GCSE chemistry practical where you get a sheet with the instructions on and you have to measure out the right amounts of stuff and add them to solutions and stuff. The hardest part for me was getting 21litres of water mixed to 40 degrees. if I'd had to heat the water to 40 degrees that would have been easy, but I had a hot tap and a cold tap and had to mix it...when your nervous, the simplest task becomes a night mare of a problem...in hindsight I would have put 21 litres of hot water in the bucket and let it cool down to the 40 degrees, but then I was so busy trying to get exactly 21 litres of 40 degree water in the bucket, I did realise my mistake tho, and when he asked if I would do anything different if I had to do it again I told him that. The rest was measuring out tiny amounts of different white powders and making solutions adding large amounts of sugar to the water, along with the white powder and carefully measured amounts of yeast to make a sweet sticky yeasty mess in a bucket. He asked me some sciency questions about why yeast produces alcohol etc, and that was it. It was certainly different, it was quite a lot of fun and well, even if I don't get the job it is interview experience. I have to say that if I don't get it I will be really disappointed, not that I've been to the inteview and found out more about the company and everything, I really want that job. But I am not going to get my hopes up too much, he has several other people to interview yet (of 90 applicants there were only 8 that got through to interview stage) and there is a good chance that they could be people like me, university graduates that maybe have a more relevant degree, or are better at mixing water in a bucket than I am (although I was spot on with most of my measurements only maybe at most .05 of a gram out on the others). He said that he would let me know by the end of next week, so fingers crossed, jut got to wait and see and hope now. I have got other stuff in the pipeline tho, I am not basing my entire future on this one job, and although I will be disappointed if I don't get it, there's other options....

Interviews and Applications

Well, interview tomorrow. And I've just filled in an application form for Bernard's hardware store down town. It's all very exciting and unnerving and scary, but I'm determined that I'm not going to be at the co-op by the summer. I have had anough of working crap ours and being paid crap pay. I'll miss the staff and some of the customers, but hopefully I'll be off out of there as soon as possible. Fingers crossed.

Aspen's Misery.

Aspen on the roof,
Cold, bitter wind
Blowing through like icy knives.
"Fuck this life."
Whispered words
So full of pain and regret.
One step, two,
Out into the frigid air
Water whipped from tear stung eyes
She falls, tumbling and spinning
Free for a moment,
One soaring second of bliss
Seeing clearly
Casting away her misery.
And she dies,
splayed on the tarmac
Like a discarded rag doll,
A lost and broken thing.



Well, a nice cheery little poem for you there. I'm actually in a good mood, so I don't know where that came from, just shows, you don't have to be depressed to write depressing poetry!

happier

Felt a bit happier today. not sure why I've been miserable these last few days or so. Went to see Pete. He's been ill poor baby, he seems to be getting over it now tho which is good. Have been invited to a meal with his mum and brother next week.

Still Alive

Well, yes, I'm still alive. My back is giving me some problems at the moment so I'm grumpy as fuck and kinda depressed aswell for some reason, but still alive none the less.

Happy Fucking New Year

It started badly, I suspect it's going to get worse. 2005, probably the year of nightmares, then again, it could get better. One can only hope I suppose.