CORSETS

So I ordered a corset from curious-curves.com or possibly .net or something.

They have some beautiful if slightly pricy things on there. Not as pricy as some I might add, but I couldn't resist. Cornflower blue with white edging...and made to measure so it should actually fit me. And I bought a couple of dresses today as well. A pretty black and white old fashioned style halterneck from primark, and a pretty strappy black dress with red roses and white skulls on it from Grin. Well what can I say, I'm still gothy on the inside, so why not on the outside.

And God damn it, I've been sucked in by ebay again...tho to be fair I'm only getting a top to wear with my white suit for the christening, and a corset and skirt set that I've out a max £10 bid on cos it finishes tomorrow and I'm winning at a fiver at the mo... you watch, some bugger will beat me by 50p now!

Little Boys

I'm not going to let little boys make me feel guilty because I'm emotionally incapable of giving them ehat they want.

If he has a problem with that then tough. If he wants it all, then he can fuck off, because he can't have what I haven't got.

No more head fucks, no more petty little mind games and worthless promises. It's over and done with and I'm glad. I wish I'd never met him, cos all he's brought me is anger, hurt and bitterness.

No More.

Hiding

The world is a cold and terrible place.
People are... helplessly destructive and inherently untrusting, which makes them selfish and dangerous.

I'm hiding. I don't want to talk to anyone. They can't touch me then. And if they can't touch me, then they can't hurt me or make me feel bad about myself. Because I certainly don't feel good about myself...I feel...unclean. But on the inside, like my heart and soul are dirty and damaged.

So yeah I'm hiding away

waste

I give up.
It's all a waste of effort anyway, whats the point in trying to feel anything when all you do is get it thown back in your face.

I said I couldn't deal, I said I didn't know who I was anymore.
I said I regretted it and that I just wanted to forget it ever happened nd try and get back to where I was before.

But he damn well keeps on pushing.

Anger

Everything is angry.
Fury bites deep.
I wish she would mind her own fucking business and stop discussing my health and work life with people I don't know.
And she wonders why I rarely talk to her or share anything with her. When I do it's spread all around the world within minutes.
And damn sure, if I pull her up about it, I'll be the bad guy...I'll be 'ungrateful', 'selfish' and other choice words, because thats me...I'm a selfish bitch.

The whole Leigh thing just proves that.

And yes Chris, I did know that was what would happen, but alcohol and hormones don't make good decisionmanking tools.

Fuck it..I am past caring now.

Everybody thinks I'm a selfish bitch anyway, I might as well act like one, now that I can't feel, it doesn't make a fucking difference to me.

Bad Decisions

So, I'm emotionally FUBAR.
Sleeping with Leigh was not a good idea, n any sense, and I completely regret it.
Now he's totally fucked up, I quite simply cannot feel anything at all, and the whole situation is a total messed up nightmare.

Seeing him, what I've done to him... I'm never going to forgive myself, it's like a part of me has died, the part of me that matters and cares and is nice to people. She's gone, and all that's left is this hard, cold, unfeeling shell.

When I left his house, he stood there and he begged me to stay. The look in his eyes was worse than any knife blade. I felt something break inside me, and ... well I walked away.

I can't cry. I've caused him so much pain, and I can't cry...I'm just cold and dead. There's no going back from this, we might heal, seperately, but the rest is so fucked up that we will never manage to be friends.

Oh Dear Gd

What am I doing?
So much for nt seeing Leigh. I went to see him today so we could have a proper talk about stuff. A couple of pints and a curry later, I had to use all available willpower to geton the bus and not go back to his and have sex.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't had a change of heart, I'm not falling in love with him or anything...I'm just really horny, and so is he, and the sexual tension in the air is almost visible. He is of the opinion that us getting hot and sweaty together won't make a difference to the general badness of the situation, and mght even help to ease the whole 'I'm really horny, please have sex with me aspect of things'. Fair point that usally, actually having sex does generally ease sexual tension, but having random sex when feelings are involved is never a good idea, and one or both of s will probably end up getting een moe badly hurt. Of course relationship sex with feelings is amazing, but personally I am of the opinion, at this point in my life, that dex and feelings should be kept as far away from each other as possible.

Especially when it's Leigh.

Bring on the lovely ladies...I need a fresh, juicy lesbian to.... yeah, I don't think I'm going to finish that sentence, there's been quite enough excessive information giving in this entry as it is.

A zillion love songs

Don't listen to Magic radio,
Especially not late at night when it's mellow magic love letters.
It's enough to inspire bad poetry, and heartache, and evilness.

So, yeah, bad poetry aside, I'm not too bad.

Gonna be a Godparent, provided judgement day doesn't arrive first, or something nasty happens. Thing is, I'm wondering if (according to the church) Semilesbians are allowed to be Godparents?

Personally I don't reckon God himself would be too bothered, my theory is that he just wants us all to get along, and as long as we're not actually killing eachother or worshipping satan, or dong nasties to eachother, then he'd be happy. And besides, the Bible was written by people, and we all know what human nature is like when it comes to things we are afraid of or don't understand, or think are unnatural. And I'm not entirely sure about this, Gary would have to help me out on this one seeing as he's actually sudied the Bible, but I've heard it doesn't actually say anywhere in it that women can't sleep with women. I dunno. In my heart the idea doesn't feel wrong. I mean, when I'm dong something wrong I know, and I think that if God didn't want me to have a...thing with another woman, then he'd let me know, free will aside and all that, he'd still put something inside of me to tell me not to do it, and let me make my own choice.

On the other hand I may just be past redemption, a bad, evil thing, in which case I probably shouldn't be a Godparent, but I do't think thats the case. I believe, I try my best to be nice to people and help people, and not be a nasty person. I pray for people, and try to find forgiveness in myself for people I...don't like. Hey I'm trying not to hate them...hate is such a negative emotion. And believe me, belief sn't as easy as it sounds when stuff keeps happening to attack your faith...like deteriorating eyesight, diabetes, wholesale destruction of the planet, losing friends, that kind of thing. I'm clinging on tho.

I got my promotion at work, which is good, my eye might possibly be finally settling down, after surgery last week, which is good. I passed my counselling course, which is good. The course I wanted to do in september, the next stage of my counselling training, is oversubscribed, which is bad. They might put on another night course, which is good, but it will probably be at Carlett Park, which is bad, because it is a nightmare to get to on the bus, it's fairly innaccessible to those wih visual impairments, who can't see in the dark, and could provide safety issues. But we'll see what happens...obstacles are made to be conquered, and if I want to be a counsellor, I need to conquer ths little hiccough, one way or another. Oherwise I will have to wait until next year to carry on, and that's too long.

And Leigh. Well Leigh is like an itch I can't scratch. Leigh is an enigma I can't understand. Leigh is..Leigh. I may be experiencing feelings for him, but I don't want to...I'm not in the right place at the moment to be taking on another emotional cripple, and Leigh is possibly even more crippled than the twisted fuck...see I'm not quite over that potentially violent streak of really strong dislike for the evil S.O.A.B. But back to Leigh...In fact no lets move on because I don't really want to talk abot it...I'm taking time out from him anyway, I don't think it's good for either of us to be around eachother at this particular time...I'm vulnerable, he's vulnerable, and one of these days we're just going to fall into bed, and it will all end in tears and recriminations.

So the lesbian thing. I'm hinking Imight try to persuade Hab, Gay and Sam possibly if he comes along, to take me to a Gay bar on my birthday. Because quite frankly, I'm not brave enough to go out and attempt it on my own.

Maybe I'm too old to be trying the lesbian thing now. Maybe I should have got my arse into gear and tried it properly when I was younger. I blame the twisted fuck. If he hadn't bewitched me into falling in love with him, I might have done this by now.

All I know is, I need to be away from headfucking men for a while.

Of course I could probably find my way to The Lisbon in daylight...maybe drop in for a drink and see what happens...

Numb

My heart aches
But I can't feel anymore.
I'm trapped in the dark
And I should be afraid
But I'm not.

Your face is a blur,
A distant memory
Tho you stand before me
And I can feel no remorse
No compassion.

I should love you.
You are the best I can get.
And you love me despite it all.
But I can't find love in my heart
I am numb.

Maybe one day this will change,
The ice that freezes my heart will melt
And I will put my arms around you
And say what you need to hear.
'I love you'

But now I can't feel anything,
Not love, not hate, not fear, not joy,
And it chills me.
Have I lost you forever?
Will I love again?

8.8.8/22

Promise

I make this prmise to you;
To love you without condition,
To guide you on your way,
To protect you when I can,
To teach you what I know.

I make this promise to you;
To give you strength to show love,
To let you guide others,
To help you stand up for the weak,
And help you learn from your mistakes.

I make tpromise to you;
I will be strong for you
And wise for you,
I will learn from you,
And listen to you,
I will give you my heart and soul,
And be here for you
When you need a helping hand.

This is my promise to you.

For Jennifer.

8.8.8/23

In The Past

Stars spiralled, out of control.
Swirling sparkles
Like diamond dust spilled from heaven.
Velvet air spoke whispers.
Dreams formed in the air,
Senses crackled with the closeness.
And still the sound was soft,
Like snow,
Yet warm like blood.
Electrical storms bloomed
Sparking from mind to mind
Connecting everything with a sense of light,
Fear and longing.
Ideas formed and died in those moments,
Children grew old,
Nations rose and fell
With the beating hearts.
Oceans turned to dust
And mountains cumbled in the heat of love
And now the sky is dark,
No more diamonds, no more storms.
The cold, hard mountains loom high,
Above the frozen seas.
The world is changed.
The lovers stand alone,
Broken, shiny fagments,
Reflecting the empty sky.

You

My heart was cold,
A broken, shattered thing.
And then you spoke
And my heart beat again.

The sun would shine,
But warmth did not reach my face.
And then you smiled,
And my skin felt heat again.

I could not cry
My tears were trapped inside of me.
But you took my hand
And taught me how to feel again

You gave me love,
And made me live for life
Now I can stand alone
Back on my feet again.

8.8.8/25

8/8/828

uterly destroyed

Leigh Loves Me.

That is a very bad thing.

He is a wonderful, caring, cuddly, sexy, fantastic man.

And I can't love him back because....? Why indeed can I not let myself love him?

Well it's fear mainly...fear that what I might be feeling might not be real, fear of hurting him and fear of getting hurt, fear of taking a chance and getting my hearttrampled again. Fear of finding out that what I think I might maybe be feel is just a ghost of something that died a long time ago, or a nasty little reflection of what Ido feel for Gary.


And Leigh can't cope with being around me in the friend zone. He loves me, he wants to make me happy, and apparently he wants to spend ever wking minute of his life with me because and I quote 'no-one has ever made him feel the way I do' think his words were vulnerable and safe at the same time...and that scared the sit out of me, bcause I didn't think anyone could possible understand the way I feel about Gary until Leigh said those words about me. I don't want to be the one to hurt Leigh, and selfish tho I am in the fact that I want to spend time with him because I enjoy his company, and he gets me, and I want to be in his company, Ican't make him, because it's killing him.

I cried al wednesday night when he texted me to tell me.

I cried a lot in the pub yesterday when we met p to talk about it.

I've cried a lot over this, and it makes me wonder if I do feel more than just friendship for him. Noone should really get this upset over a guy that you've only been mates with for a couple of months. Should they?

I don't know what to do. I know what he wants but I'm afraid to get involved incase I end up screwing things up and hurting him even more than I do already.

8.8.8/35