Keeping in touch

How am I supposed to do that then? You won't answer your phone, you won't answer texts, and it seems you're not even going to answer your emails... Short of coming to your house and hammerring on the fucking door what else do you want me to fucking do?

I'm guessing tomorrow is off too. You know how I've been lately, you know the shit...all you say is 'I want to be there for you' but you're not, and tomorrow's just going to be another disappointment.

All I wanted was a friend that was actually there, someone to give me a fucking hug and say 'don't worry, it's going to be alright' Five minutes of your precious time before I go into hospital on tuesday, but I know what'll happen...you'll say that something came up, or you weren't feeling well or you couldn't get away or you couldn't get the car...I know because I've heard it all before.

And you know why it hurts? Because I'd do anything for you, the times you've dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night because you were down, or scared or so fucked up on drugs you couldn't be alone I don't begrudge you that.

I don't want anything in return for that...I just want to be treated with a little respect, not in payment for anything I might have done for you, but as a human being. Don't lie to me. Don't tell me you'll do something and then fuck me off, don't hurt mr with drunken texts and dredge up the past that can never be again.

I want to be your friend, and I want you to be my friend. Sometimes friends need each other.

I need you now. I'm scared and worried, and you know how I feel about this operation thats coming up faster than fucking light, and I need you. I NEED you. I need YOU.

fUCKING DON'T KNOW WHY i'M EVEN WRITING THIS SHIT ON HERE, YOU DON'T EVEN READ THIS. I don't even know if I'll publish, or if I'll rven be able to find the fucking publish button I'm that pissed. I'm fucking amazed I can even find the buttons to type, or that I found the fucking on swith.

Sick of being walked on, evert one walks on me, wipes their feet on me, stamps on me cos I'm nobody, insignificant, unnoticed, invisible, undervalued.

If this all goes wrong you won't forgive yourself. Abd thats not a threat, I just know you. At least if it does go wrong, badly wrong I mean, I won't be here to see you fall apart. I never want to see that again. I love you angel, I always will. I just wanted you to be happy nothing else.

I need to get some fucking decent sleep. No more crazy fucked up dreams.

I'm sorry. I'm a bitch, a paranoid bitch...need to not drink..drink is bad umkay