Hiding

So yeah, I've been hiding for the last couple of months. Sometimes life just gets so shit and so depressing and so difficult that that is all you can do. I apologise to anyone and everyone that has been trying to cntact me over this time.

It's been tough, I have had to cope with a lot, not least of which the news that I am very slowly going blind and there s nothing that the doctors can do about it...Laser treatment apparently will make it worse, so I just hve to live with it and hope they find a cure for diabetes before I lode my sight completely. So appreciate that of there's typo's and shit in this it's because my fine detail vision is shit and as I'm not on my home computer I can't change the settings so I can see better...Like me you'll just have to live with it.

So yeah, not a great end to a year and the start to this one has been just as shit. People I love have been under a lot of pressure and stress, Sam has been battling with his mental health again,... He seems to be getting better tho which can only be a good sign...if we can keep him off the weed, thn he'll be ok, but Sam is stubborn and can convince himself that one joint won't hurt...everyone is rallying round him now tho so with any luck we've caught it in time and he won't end up in hospital, or more likely prison.

Gary has been having a really tough time lately...he's probably going to lose his job because he's been really ill and has had a lot of time off through chest infections and pneumonia and general stress related illness. Plus his boss is a total bitch. He is depressed and miserable most of the time and I feel utterly helpless in the face of it all. There is so much more than that going on that I just can't help him with, I can see it killing him every day, and it kills me to see him in so much pain.

y mum has been ill too, not life threateningly so, but she's been quite ill with a nasty ear nfection that has been cased by abnormal bone growth in her skull. She's undergoing treatment for the bone growth, and has been seeing a doctor at the hospital twice a week to have her ear dressed ad 'hoovered' out to try and get rid of the infection. Ithink she's been off work more than she's been in work the last few months...fortunatly, unlike the bitch whore that is Gary's boss, my mum's boss is really understanding. Mum is retiring at the end of the summer term. She'll be 59 in august so she'll miss out on her final year, but as she keeps pointing out, she's been ill most of this year, and the stress of work isn't helping, and she wants to enjoy her retirement so she's getting out now while she's still fairly fit. I don't blame her. Dad isn't too impressed, he keeps muttering about money and how much money thy will lose if she doesn't work til she's sixty, but he seems deterined to work til he's 65, and they have plenty of money in the bank.

I am dragging them both to Wyoming for Chris's wedding. They both need a bloody good holiday, and I don't fancy the flight on my own so it kills two birds with one stone. I am really looking forward to it!

I managed to take myself off my pills. I know what you're thinking...your not supposed to just stop taking them, your supposed to do it under doctors superision blah blah blah.
Well ok, yes your right, I hate the pills, they make me feel like I'm not me anymore, they stop me from thinking and they fill my brain with fuzz. I have been off them for about 3 months now, aside from the hiding thing, I've been much better without them...I can think, I feel more like me...everyone has notied the difference...I'm generally happier and more positive...I have bad days yeah but everyone has bad days. The bst thing is that since that day all those months ago, I haven't seriously considered hurting myself once. And off the pills it's a lot easier to talk myself out of it. Life is shit, and life is hard and nasty, but I can cope with it. Nothing is insurmountable.

And finally, to Pete. Not that you were the last thing on my mind...I have been thinking about this for a while now, I just havn't had the time or mental strength to sit down and say it until now.

I am sorry. Sorry for writing that last post, it must have hurt so much to read all of that and I regret posting it. I'm sorry for not being the easiest person to live with, I had a lot of faults. I'm sorry I had to break your heart, and I'm sorry that I made everything so much worse for you after that. I don't want to reopen old wounds. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry. And I am grateful for the lessons you taught me. I know it ended badly, but I hope we both learned from our mistakes. I still think about all the good times and happy memories we shared. I'm sorry I caused you so much pain...I know it's a long time in coming, but I don't believe it's ever too late to say sorry...