The Shittest weekend Ever

Starting from friday I think this has to be the shittest weekend I have ever had.
Well from thursday night actually...
Thursday night is art course night, and despite missing last week I was looking rorward to it. Gary said he would be coming even tho his brother and Liz were coming back from Oz that day. Any way to cut a long story a bit shorter there was a wedding cake disaster and Gary was called in to help get a new wedding cake built in time for saturday. I say built because wedding cakes are not baked...all sorts of creative architecture goes into making them. I think I will tell the wedding cake story after all...Karl, a friend of Gary's and Terry's was about to marry the girl of his dreams, Karen (who by all acounts is the girl of everyone elses nightmares). Anyway, three days before the wedding the cake gets trashed by someone who works in the cake shop. Accidentally or on purpose, no one is sure. Apparently there was an incident a few weeks ago whereby Karen was assaulted by (or did assault...it's a second hand story so the details are a bit hazy) the girl from the cake shop. Girl from said cake shop apprently put two and two together and realised that it was Karen and Carls wedding cake and the rest is history.
Anyhow, because of all the cake running around Gary had to miss the Art course. I was upset, but mainly because I was tired and things always seem worse when your tired. I understood that he couldn't make the course, I mean I'm not being unreasonable here, wedding cakes are important, and Carl is one of Gary's best mates so it's ok. He came and picked me up after and we went to Terry's for a spliff. Did smoke much of it tho, we were supposed to be going to Tony's club for open mike night, but after arranging everyone and realising there wasn't enought room in the car for me and terry and Sam and dave and liz and Gary, Gary decided he was kinda tired, and Terry wasm't really up for it, and Sam was being a moaning bastard as usual, so he cancelled. I'd been looking forward to it so I was kind of upset again, and the tiredness was making it worse and I just got really miserable, and Gary took me back to his, but when we got there I was just so upset and tired and not thinking straight. All I wanted to do was curl up with him and go to sleep, but because Dave and Liz are staying there he's down to a single bed, so I wouldn't have been able to sleep over anyway. And so he took me home, which made me more upset and miserable. I went to sleep feeling like shit, and I forgot to take my pills that night. Strangely I felt better the next morning.
We emailed eachother a bit in work, and I told him how I felt the night before, because when I'm down like that I find it really hard to talk. Its all a big fucked up mess. We were supposed to be going to Carl's karaoke night on friday, staying over and then going to the wedding on saturday. Gary decided that he didn't want to do the karaoke night on the friday cos it meant sleeping on the floor. Another thing that I'd been really looking forward to, I kind of got a bit annoyed at him about that, and thats when he told me that me bening depressed made him depressed, and 90% of the time he didn't want to spend time with me because I made his depression worse. He asked me if I was going to ruin the wedding for him by being miserable, he didn't want me there if I was. And yes I got pissed off at him about that too, and pointed out that over the last week or more that I'd actually been cheerful and positive and it was only because I was really fucking tired on thursday that I'd been down. He accepted that and said that he would trust my judgement on it. We didn't see eachother friday night. I went to cheshire oaks after work to buy some paints and card making stuff to make a card for my cousin who had her baby on thurday, and for Carl and Karen. I'm fairy sure he went out, cos it sounded like he was somewhere noisy when I rang him to check name spellings and stuff.
And so saturday dawns, I get up early to get myself ready, dye my hair make sure everything is sorted out, the wedding is at 3pm in runcorn so I know we will have to leave soon after 1pm. I don't hear from Gary all morning, I text him, no reply, I get no response to my phone calls until quarter to one when he finally answers, sounding like he's just woken up. I ask him what time we are leaving, and he says he will pick me up at 1.30pm. At 25 past I get a text message saying that he is too ill to go to the wedding he has been sick in the night, and sick just then, and he will leave the actual wedding and take us all to the do later that night.
I flipped on him...by text of course, I don't do verbal confrontation that well. I had a go at him about letting everyone down, and ruining the wedding and everything. Oh I really went to town. Maybe if he had tld me he was ill before that, maybe iff he'd phoned me to explain rather than just sending a text...maybe I wouldn't have been quite so nastily furious. I don't know, but I hurt his feelings pretty badly and he accusedme of not supoting him and gulit tripping him and making him feel like shit. I apologised for goin mad at him. And then I said I was worried about him, and then I apologised some more.
I went out for a 4 hour walk which took me from my house by arrowe park to upton, moreton and along the front to new brighton, and all the time I cried, and worried, and prayed for him. I guess God doesn't answer the prayers of people that try to kill themselves. I guess commiting the greatest sin in the catholic bible excludes you from getting any help, even when its for someone else. I don't even know if I believe in the catholic God, I believe in A god... But anyway, it did no good that I can discern. Gary eventually answered my texts. And after a brief conversation where I took complete responsibility for laying into him, I made a fatl mistake. Evidently someone else had had a go at him too, he was really upset and depressed and fed up of people expecting too much from him. I suffested gently (or so I thought) that yes people expect a lot from him, and maybe he expected too much from himself, that maybe it would be better to say no to people first rather than having to disappoint people later. I don't know, it was meant to be helpful friendly advice, but all I seem to do lately is make everything a million times worse. The last time I heard from him was last night...stop giving me advice and leave me alone.
I resolved to do just that, but I'm so worried about him. Worried sick is a very apt expression. I texted him twice today, once to ask him how he was, and once to say I hoped he was ok. I've had no response. I'd ring, but if he's not answering texts there's no way he'll answer his phone. I'll email him tomorrow, and try rexting him again. If I don't hear anything by tuesday I'll ring his mum. I don't care if he never wants to speak to me again, I just need to know he's ok, Ineed to know he's not depressed enough to do something as stupid and selfish and terrible as what I tried to do.

I figure I must be getting better tho, cos although all this has made me feel like complete and utter shit, the thought of harming myself hasn't crossed my mind...well obviously it has cos I just typed about it, but not in the sense that I am going to hurt myself....Oh you know what I mean. It pops in my head but I don't want to do it. I think thats a fairly large step to being a normal happy human being.

And there I go, obsessing about myself again when there are more important things in life.

On a marginally lighter note: Films...Click, don't see it if you're depressed, cos although it has a happy ending the majority of the film is a story about a man fucking up his life with a universla remote control...kind of like a wonderful life but more modern day I think...I've never seen a wonder ful life, but I know the general gist. Moral of the story, family is more imprtant than work.

And Accepted, silly but funny, a lesson in educating kids about life lessons and letting them find their own way instead of trying to mae them fit a mould.

Both worth seeing but probably better seen with company than on your own.

Hey it beats sitting at home moping and worrying.