Realisation is never fun

So yeah...Sam's birthday, tried ringing him to say happy birthday but I guess he's off enjoying himself .

Ended up going to see Nim's Island, which was a bit shit and made me want to live on a deserted island far away from anyone at all.

And then I came home and watched Two Pints of Lager and A Packet of Crisps. Four series in two days is probably a bit of overkill, but up until tonifght it was making me laugh.

Today it made me cry.

And then I stopped crying, and and tried to work out why I was crying, and why I wanted to move to a deserted island as far away from everything and everyone as possible, and I figured it was vecause I don't want to face up to anything.

Because the fact is, I've been hiding from it, and trying to bury it deep inside, and I can't do it anymore.

I love him. I can't stop loving him. He is the first person I want to see in the morning when I wake up and the last person I want to see at night before I go to sleep. He is the only person I want to curl up with and be close to.

When I have some good news, he is the first person I want to tell, and when I have bad news he is the person I want to run to.

I want to look after him and make him happy. I want to comfort him when he's down, and be there for him when he needs me. I want to be the one he runs to when he's hurt or afraid. I want to be the one he loves and holds. I want him to be mine, and me to be his.

He said something to me the other day when I spoke to him about Anton.

And the answer to his unspoken question is I cope with it by pretending it's not happening and not thinking about it, because every time I do it cuts me up inside, it breaks my heart and turns my stomach to this cold iron ball.

I love him with all my heart and all my soul.

And I wish I'd never fallen in love with him, because I know it's never going to be real. I know he's never going to be mine ever again.

I really want to be drunk right now.