Anton

I don't know what got into me today.

I went over to Liverpool to do some shopping, and met a guy.

Normally when random foreign guys come up to me and try to talk to me, I make as polite an excuse as possible and run away as fast as I can, but today,,,well I guess there was just something about him (other than the fact that he's drop dead gorgeous) that made me stop and listen and smile and end up having a drink with him.

So Anton is 28, 29 in october, he's quite shy, doesn't seem to have an awful lot of confidence. He's quietly spoken, but has a kind of ernest genuine quality to him. He's polite and apologetic, tries very hard with his english, which is very good apart from a few mis-phrasings and a lot of umming between sentences. He is from some islands somewhere..I didn't actually catch where he said he was from I'll have to ask that again. His Dad is Turkish so presumably he's from around that area.

He said he'd seen me around before in Birkenhead and hadn't had the courage to come and talk to me, and when he saw me in Partners in Liverpool he was really nervous, but came to say hello anyway. I'm more than a little suspicious about that, as I dyed mt hair yesterday, from blonde to dark red, so he's either got a really great memory for faces, he has the wrong person entirely and a totally different red head has missed out, or it was a line. If it was a line I don't mind too much, it worked anyway heh.

He bought me a drink in a little pub on Matthews Street, we talked for a bit, then he had to go and do some student stuff. We were supposed to be going to the cinema ater on, but I chickened out and cancelled. I'm meeting him for lunch tomorrow instead.

And you see this is where the problems start.

I like this guy, he's nice, he flatters me in a kind of gentle, non-invasive kind of way, he gives me attention which I like, he's polite and courteous...and I don't know if I like him because he's likeable, or because I'm getting some much needed attention and he's making me feel good about myself...and that worries me.

Because I do like him. And I don't want to end up hving to hurt him. And there's so many ways I could hurt him. I'm a mess at the moment...I have a lot on my mind to cope with, lots of stuff in the past that's affecting my present, lots of stuff in my present thats going to affect my future, and because I like Anton, I don't want to get into something and realise I can't give him what he wants.

Plus I harly know him and I really do not want to get hurt again.

One major thing thats making me hesitate is the small fact that I am, despite how hard I'm trying not to be, I am still in love with Gary.

I may be reading too much into this. I need to find out exactly what Anton is looking for and try to explain what's going on in my head. That could be tricky. How do you explain a mashed up heart and the fact your still in love with your ex boyfriend after eight months, and a fucked up brain to someone who might not understand wheat your saying exactly. How do you rephrase 'nursing a broken heart'?

I don't really know what to do. Do I take a chance and hope that things don't get messy further down the line? Do I call the whole thing off and risk losing someone that could turn out to be really special, never knowing how things could have turned out between us? Do I try and explain everything and see how it goes?

I'm going to go to lunch with Anton tomorrow. Thats decided. I'll see how it goes from there.