old flame

Been chatting to Leigh on Face book. Guy I used to go out with briefly before I met The Twisted Fuck..

He's a nice guy, seems to drift through life with out actually getting anywhere, but he's nice. Probably wouldn't go there again, even if he was interested, which I doubt, but still, it's good to know that he's doing ok and stuff. Wonder if he's till got the spiky hair he had six years ago. Would be interesting to meet up and see if he's changed at all.

My operation is tomorrow. I'm doing... strangely. From last time, that's quite good, no weird feelings or bad ominous clouds hanging over me this time, which can only be a good thing. I just feel a little numb about it all. About everything really, It's like I don't care anymore...I'm going through the motions at work, doing what I have to do, smiling and being nice to people, going for a promotion too, but I dunno, it all feels like a dream, and not particularly real.

I've been dreaming a lot about babies recently too. Too many baby dreams make me start to worry, but it's not like I could be pregnant or anything... It'd be a bloody miracle if I was, and I don't see much in the way of immaculate conception going on these days. Plus I think you actually need to be a virgin for immaculate conception to actually take place, and well I'm not.

I didn't get to sleep until very late last night. My head was filled up with thoufghts...you know when you can't stop thinking about stuff even though you really want to. It was all depressing shit anyway. Mainly about The Twisted Fuck, and how the nasty little twat still has a hold over me. Still can't let it go, too much hate and anger for that, made worse by the fact that he seems to be everywhere. He's even wormed his way into my enjoyment of face book by being friends with half of my new facebook friends. I'm not the kind of person to sabotage his life tho, he's entitled to have friends I suppose, and my friends have the right to choose who they have as friends, so I'm not going to say anything despite how much I hate the vindictive little shit, It's not worth lowering myself to his level. And if he's true to form they'll find out eventually anyway.

It's not jusyt about him though. Gary appears in my thoughts a lot at the moment too. I don't know how he's doing, I haven't spoken to him for a while, haven't heard from him in a while really. Don't speak much nowadays. I miss him a lot, but he'll get in touch when he's ready. It just makes me sad when I think about how things used to be...we could talk all night about anything. Nothing can last forever tho can it, not even love. It changes and gets broken, and sometimes it can be mended and rebuilt into something stronger, but most of the time you should just throw away the bits and try and forget about what you had. I learned a lot of that from The Twisted Fuck, we just kept trying to mend, and trying to rebuild, and what we ended up with was a dangerous, twisted, broken pile of sharp pointed, needles of broken glass that cut us to pieces whenever we tried to do anything. I think thats a fairly good analogy for who we were in the end...two broken people in a shattered relationship, hating and hurting eachother without even realising what we were doing.

It wasn't like that with Gary, I'm really glad to say, I couldn't have handled that . I'm just about handling the current state of non contact. On a good day...some days I just want to curl up into a ball and shut out the world.

And some days I just want to curl up in bed with someone. Anyone would o, I just want someone to hold me, put their arms around me and hug me and tell me it's going to be alright, that I'm not alone. I just want to feel wanted. I know I am wanted, just sometimes I don't feel it. I just want to be with someone who cares about me, not necessarily a lover or a partner, a friend is all I need. Someone to make me feel warm and safe.

And sometimes I just want to be alone to hide from everything and every one.