Anton

I don't know what got into me today.

I went over to Liverpool to do some shopping, and met a guy.

Normally when random foreign guys come up to me and try to talk to me, I make as polite an excuse as possible and run away as fast as I can, but today,,,well I guess there was just something about him (other than the fact that he's drop dead gorgeous) that made me stop and listen and smile and end up having a drink with him.

So Anton is 28, 29 in october, he's quite shy, doesn't seem to have an awful lot of confidence. He's quietly spoken, but has a kind of ernest genuine quality to him. He's polite and apologetic, tries very hard with his english, which is very good apart from a few mis-phrasings and a lot of umming between sentences. He is from some islands somewhere..I didn't actually catch where he said he was from I'll have to ask that again. His Dad is Turkish so presumably he's from around that area.

He said he'd seen me around before in Birkenhead and hadn't had the courage to come and talk to me, and when he saw me in Partners in Liverpool he was really nervous, but came to say hello anyway. I'm more than a little suspicious about that, as I dyed mt hair yesterday, from blonde to dark red, so he's either got a really great memory for faces, he has the wrong person entirely and a totally different red head has missed out, or it was a line. If it was a line I don't mind too much, it worked anyway heh.

He bought me a drink in a little pub on Matthews Street, we talked for a bit, then he had to go and do some student stuff. We were supposed to be going to the cinema ater on, but I chickened out and cancelled. I'm meeting him for lunch tomorrow instead.

And you see this is where the problems start.

I like this guy, he's nice, he flatters me in a kind of gentle, non-invasive kind of way, he gives me attention which I like, he's polite and courteous...and I don't know if I like him because he's likeable, or because I'm getting some much needed attention and he's making me feel good about myself...and that worries me.

Because I do like him. And I don't want to end up hving to hurt him. And there's so many ways I could hurt him. I'm a mess at the moment...I have a lot on my mind to cope with, lots of stuff in the past that's affecting my present, lots of stuff in my present thats going to affect my future, and because I like Anton, I don't want to get into something and realise I can't give him what he wants.

Plus I harly know him and I really do not want to get hurt again.

One major thing thats making me hesitate is the small fact that I am, despite how hard I'm trying not to be, I am still in love with Gary.

I may be reading too much into this. I need to find out exactly what Anton is looking for and try to explain what's going on in my head. That could be tricky. How do you explain a mashed up heart and the fact your still in love with your ex boyfriend after eight months, and a fucked up brain to someone who might not understand wheat your saying exactly. How do you rephrase 'nursing a broken heart'?

I don't really know what to do. Do I take a chance and hope that things don't get messy further down the line? Do I call the whole thing off and risk losing someone that could turn out to be really special, never knowing how things could have turned out between us? Do I try and explain everything and see how it goes?

I'm going to go to lunch with Anton tomorrow. Thats decided. I'll see how it goes from there.

INFECTIOUS

I have a chest infection. It's not pleasant but I have antibiotics now, so hopefully it will be short lived. I don't really want to be coughing up any more green slime.

Anyway, I went to the hospital to get my eye checked out, and they said it's doing very well, so I'm very pleased. The vision is improved too...I can now read four lines down on the chart...whic is a plus cos before I couldnt even see the damned chart. It's a little disorientating being able to see with one eye and not really see with the other...and the vision in my right eye is not perfect, there's blurry bits where the retina is damaged but I reckon I'll be able to cope or at least adapt until they take the oil out of the left one.

Don't know when thats going to happen yet tho

I have another week off work anyway...should go back in on 5th May.

I bought myself some dumbells today, because Iam horrified to admit, I am getting bingo wings. Yes my arms are taking on the appearence of two sticks with bits of flab hanging off them. I'm not even thirty yet...I can't have bingo wings, well at the moment they're more like winglets, but I intend to stop tghem in their tracks before they become more bat like.

I'm not impressed.

So this afternoon I have been pumping iron... to be fair I did have to take all but one of the weights off the dumbells, so they look a little pathetic, but if I don't start off small I'll do myself an injury. Someone did sugest press ups as a nice free alternative to buying dumbells, but my arms are so pathetically weak I can barely manage one press up before I collapse in an exhausted agonised heap. I am possibly the most unhealthy, unfit, weak assed individual in the known world.

The dumbells should have a positive effect on that lol.

headless chicken

So the day started with Goodison Park, and a telephone role play and interview for the AO job I'm going for. Think it went ok. Just got to wait and see.

Came home and went to bed for several hours as I feel like utter shit with this evil bastard cold I've got, and seriously, every ti,e I start coughing which is all the time, I feel like I'mm going to cough up a lung, and there's this horrible wheezy noise. May have to go to the doctor if it doesn't start getting better soon, cos it feels like my chest is full of phlegm, and no matter how much I cough I can't shift it. It's not pleasant.

Woke up abou half past two when Gary rang me... had a good chat, it was nice to hear from him.

Went online after that to check what time the enrolment for the counselling course was, and found that they'd changed the dates, and apparently it started 2 weeks ago. I was on the verge of packing it in, when I decided to ring them up on the offchance that they still had places.

Phoned the college, and the woman on the phone was so snotty with me when she was telling me that the courses were all over subscribed that I'm afraid I got quite snappy with her, so she put me through to someone else who told me if I came alone early tonight that I may be able to squeeze on to the course.

So I did. I went along, went to the room where they're holding it. Guess how many people turned up?

5. There are 5 of us. Hardly oversubscribed, in fact so undersubscribed that they had to get permission from the principal to be able to run the cousre at all.

Anyway, I'm all enrolled and started my first step to becoming a counsellor. If I enjoy this couse, then it's four years worth of counselling training to come. See how this goes and take it from there. Today went well. I enjoyed it, but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket or counting my chickens before they hatch even tho I have been running round like the proverbial headless chicken all day. Or at least it feels like it. This morning seems a long long time ago.

resident evil

So, you know the corridor to the computer core in resident Evil the film, with the lasers?

Thats where I want to put the Twisted Fuck, and the Dealer, with a bunch of Raving zombies at one end, and the lasers coming at them from the other end. See how long they'd last.

boredom

So, I've spent pretty much the whole day in bed watching DVD's and wishing my mother would leave me alone for 5 minutes..

I'm not stupid, I don't need patronising , looking after or force feeding. I don't need everyt tiny little thing pointing out to me, or reminding when to take my eye drops... It's not like I haven't done this before, several times.

It's driving me nuts.

And to top it all I can't stop coughing. I think Sam has given me his germs when I went over the other night.

And I think ,y laptop is on it's way out.

Bionic Woman

Yeah so my op went well... Put it this way I'm not lying flat on my face for the best part of a week like last time, so it must have gone fairly well.

Just a bit sore and blurry at the moment, and have a multitude of eye drops to put in at various times of the day, but I can just about see to type, so I'm happy. Should get a few weeks off work too which is nice!

Had another message off Leigh on facebook, we appear to both be in similar places in our lives at the moment... Drifting slightly and looking for a purpose. We always were scarily similar in our outlook and thinking... Like twins separated at birth heh.

And Andy is being very friendly too, considering we never talked much when we were at school, we seem to be making up for it now heh. I think I might actually be making friends! It's too early to tell, but it looks like a possibility... the girl with no social skills is making a comeback lol Is all good.

old flame

Been chatting to Leigh on Face book. Guy I used to go out with briefly before I met The Twisted Fuck..

He's a nice guy, seems to drift through life with out actually getting anywhere, but he's nice. Probably wouldn't go there again, even if he was interested, which I doubt, but still, it's good to know that he's doing ok and stuff. Wonder if he's till got the spiky hair he had six years ago. Would be interesting to meet up and see if he's changed at all.

My operation is tomorrow. I'm doing... strangely. From last time, that's quite good, no weird feelings or bad ominous clouds hanging over me this time, which can only be a good thing. I just feel a little numb about it all. About everything really, It's like I don't care anymore...I'm going through the motions at work, doing what I have to do, smiling and being nice to people, going for a promotion too, but I dunno, it all feels like a dream, and not particularly real.

I've been dreaming a lot about babies recently too. Too many baby dreams make me start to worry, but it's not like I could be pregnant or anything... It'd be a bloody miracle if I was, and I don't see much in the way of immaculate conception going on these days. Plus I think you actually need to be a virgin for immaculate conception to actually take place, and well I'm not.

I didn't get to sleep until very late last night. My head was filled up with thoufghts...you know when you can't stop thinking about stuff even though you really want to. It was all depressing shit anyway. Mainly about The Twisted Fuck, and how the nasty little twat still has a hold over me. Still can't let it go, too much hate and anger for that, made worse by the fact that he seems to be everywhere. He's even wormed his way into my enjoyment of face book by being friends with half of my new facebook friends. I'm not the kind of person to sabotage his life tho, he's entitled to have friends I suppose, and my friends have the right to choose who they have as friends, so I'm not going to say anything despite how much I hate the vindictive little shit, It's not worth lowering myself to his level. And if he's true to form they'll find out eventually anyway.

It's not jusyt about him though. Gary appears in my thoughts a lot at the moment too. I don't know how he's doing, I haven't spoken to him for a while, haven't heard from him in a while really. Don't speak much nowadays. I miss him a lot, but he'll get in touch when he's ready. It just makes me sad when I think about how things used to be...we could talk all night about anything. Nothing can last forever tho can it, not even love. It changes and gets broken, and sometimes it can be mended and rebuilt into something stronger, but most of the time you should just throw away the bits and try and forget about what you had. I learned a lot of that from The Twisted Fuck, we just kept trying to mend, and trying to rebuild, and what we ended up with was a dangerous, twisted, broken pile of sharp pointed, needles of broken glass that cut us to pieces whenever we tried to do anything. I think thats a fairly good analogy for who we were in the end...two broken people in a shattered relationship, hating and hurting eachother without even realising what we were doing.

It wasn't like that with Gary, I'm really glad to say, I couldn't have handled that . I'm just about handling the current state of non contact. On a good day...some days I just want to curl up into a ball and shut out the world.

And some days I just want to curl up in bed with someone. Anyone would o, I just want someone to hold me, put their arms around me and hug me and tell me it's going to be alright, that I'm not alone. I just want to feel wanted. I know I am wanted, just sometimes I don't feel it. I just want to be with someone who cares about me, not necessarily a lover or a partner, a friend is all I need. Someone to make me feel warm and safe.

And sometimes I just want to be alone to hide from everything and every one.

Busy Busy Busy

Busy week next week. Aside from the usual working and going to the pictures (see AWAKE it's great). I have a 3 hour seminar and selection exercises to do for a promotion for work...Numeracy and Literacy...shouldn't be a problem I've passed tghe damned things about 3 times already. And then on Friday I have the op on my eye that I was supposed to have last month...Finally. I feel better about it this time round, so hopefully all will go well. The following week, if I pass the selection excercises, I'll have to do a telephone role play, and an interview. Joy of joys,but it's a promotion and gets me away from filling in forms forever if I get it.

I'm stressing a bit about my birthday. I know it's only April, but I keep getting paranoid and thinking no one is going to turn up, ir that peopel will drop out at the last minute..It' wouldn't surprise me, and I don't really want my birthday this year to end up like my birthday last year...I got quite upset that my camping trip got cancelled (not that anyone noticed) and my birthday night out was a nightmare disaster, and I ended up going home and crying myself to sleep. Hence I'm a little wary of the big plans that we're making in case it all goes wrong and I end up spending my 30th birthday on my own. I'm putting my faith in Hab and Joey and everyone. Hab seems to be doing most of the organising and stuff...Thanks Hab you're a wonderful friend! And everyone says they're really looking forward to it... I've just got this tiny worm of doubt in the back of my mind...Didn't people say that last year. Things were different then of course...Things were more fucked up...I think...just about anyway...A hell of a lot has happened in the last year it's frightening, sometimes I can't keep track.

Anyway, yeah, paranoid, nervous, generally quite happy tho. My mate is doing well, she seeems a lot happier and more stable the last few weeks. Hopefully she's over the worst.

Got to go really as it's getting late and I'm up early tomorrow o do overtime. Lovely.

differences

What is the difference beween men and women? Apart from the obvious. Men and women will never understand eachother, not properly.

Men are evil. All of them. I've decided.

They either don't want to know you, or just want to get you drunk so that you'll have sex with them. Went out after work last week and one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. Got rid of him in the end by telling him I was a lesbian, and by pointedly refusing to accept his offer of a drink. Some guys just won't take no for an answer.

I don't really know how I feel about men at the moment. I'm somewhat dissillusioned by the whole getting married/having a long term meaningful relationship/trusting one of the bastards not to break my heart again thing. And lets face it, unless you find someone really special, sex is utterley overrated, and you can have much more fun on your own, tho it is nice to be close to someone. I had found someone really special, and I miss him, but some things are never meant to be, and he's with the person he's supposed to be with now.

What can you do? You can let it destroy you, or you can take your revenge mwah ha ha ha, no, joking...you've just got to get on with things and try to stop crying yourself to sleep at night, and eventually it gets better.

You know it's never going to go away completely tho don't you. There will always be that tiny treacherous corner of your heart that cries in the night, and goes all wobbly over romantic comedies, and burst into tears every time you hear a certain song on the radio.

I hate men. Look at what they do to you, I sometimes wish I'd never had love...things would be so much easier.

Friends

Well I was feeling a bit down about not having many of them, but then I checked my emeail, and I now have 13 friends on Face Book...

I feel all loved now heh.

Hate

There's only two people I actually hate in this world. That would be a certain twisted fuck of an ex boyfriend, and a certain nasty, two facedc prick who's head, I believe, I could quite cheerfully blow off with a shotgun...both barrels right between the eyes.... more satisfying I think would be to go back in time and make sure neither of them ever existed, or make it so they could never have caused the harm and grief that they caused.

I believe that hatred is a bad thing, and forgiveness is a gift from God and should always be attempted., but some people desrve to go to hell, or wherever evil psychopathic monsters go when they die.

WTF

Do you ever look at your life and think 'What the Fuck....?'

I do, but lately I seem to be doing it a hell of a lot more than I used to. It's like my life seems to be flying past me at an ever increasing rate, and people that I care about are dropping further and further behind...I feel like I'm losing, or am in danger of losing some of the most important people in my life.

I actually joined facebook, succumbed to the lure of the promise of friends. I have one friend, someone I don't even know called Adam, and only cos I got an email saying he'd added me as a friend cos we have, apparently, the same taste in music.

Meh, it's all bollocks anyway...I know from one of the girls in work that things are invented for nasty and often sinister reasons on sites like that, so why bother.

I've found a couple of people that I used to know from school and that, but as they weren't actually friends, I don't think I'll be contacting them.

Quite spookily tho, when I did a search on my friend Lynsey from school, it came up with a few possibilities, one of which had Adam down as a 'mutual friend' How freaky would it be if it was the same person? Can't tell tho as there is a worrying and slightly infuriating lack of picture, so I can't actually tell if it
's her or not.

Never mind.