Stupid work

I wish I didn't have to work. More to the point I wish I didn't have to work with irritating, lazy children who are more interested in talking to their matesa nd recovering from hangovers than in actually doing what they are supposed to be doing. I was fuming this morning, and seriously considering taking up smoking again just so I could have a fag break every half hour like one colleague I was supposedly working with. I'm not getting at Brian and Joan who work their arses off every day, but because it was bank holiday we had all the young student lads and girls in, and to be frank, they just can't be bothered, and it really pisses me off. Even when I was a student and thought, 'it's only a part time job til I finish college', I worked hard, I did my best, I tried to be as helpful and concientious as possible. These guys don't seem to give a shit when they let people down and turn up late and then do no work when they do turn up. And two of these lads are supervisiors. It makes me really angry and frustrated. Grrrr.

Things to be grateful for:
1. Getting out of work an hour early
2. Being able to put my point across that some of the staff are not doing their jobs properly (not telling tales, just suggesting that the boss has a word with people about rotating old and new stock, I ain't a snitch.)
3. Going to the pub.

Back again

Well, I came back. I had a truly dreadful day at work today. For starters I couldn't get in when I arrived because the guy that had the keys was twenty minutes late, Me and Joan ended up having to walk down to his house in the end where he was just coming out of the front door. Consequently I was behind all day, and because the Kwik Save up the road is closed cos they're converting it to a Somerfield, it's been horrendously busy. At least I didn't burn the bread. I did have hundreds of reductions to do tho, because it's the end of the month, and the majority of products have best before end codes on them. By the time I'd finished the reductions, it was nearly 2.30 and I hadn't had my lunch yet. Hopefully next sunday won't be as hectic, but I'm not counting on it. I looked through the paper for jobs when I got in, and there is nothing. Nothing that I'd consider doing or have the qualifications for anyway. I wish I'd left school at sixteen and gone into a crappy office junior, filing and making tea kinda job, cos I'd be earning about four times as much as I am by now, and I wouldn't have all my student debts. Anyone who may be reading this who is considering going to university...Don't, unless it's for something that needs a degree for you to do it, they are a waste of time and money. I have a degree, but I have no relevent life skills, so no one decent wants to employ me, so I'm stuck doing a low paid retail job. People keep saying 'oh you're intelligent, you could do anything', but it's just not true, I may be fairly intelligent, but having a brain isn't anything when it comes to getting a job. So much for my dreams of having a house of my own and a dog and being happy. I guess I'll end up living with my mum and dad for the rest of my life...
Things to be grateful for:
1. Not burning the bread
2. 4pm when the shop shut
3. Having parents to spend the rest of my life with.

Things to be grateful for...

I didn't write anythong to be grateful for last night, because quite frankly, I didn't feel like I HAD anything to be grateful for. I'm feeling better today, my head is a bit clearer and I'm thinking better. But I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm grumpy. Hopefully things will keep on getting better now that I've started taking my nerbal happy pills again. Hopefully I will also be able to get my head out of my arse and stop upsetting people albeit unintentionally. I may be back later to add to this, then again I may not...

GOURANGA!!

Sitting on the bus today, I passed some fly posters with the words 'Shout GOURANGA, Be Happy' on them. It made me laugh in a really bitter and cynical way. The people that posted those bits of paper really and truly believe that shouting some wierd word can make you happy. It doesn't work. At the moment things seem to be going from bad to worse. Everything I say or do is misunderstood, when I say something it seems to have hidden barbs in it, even though I don't mean it to. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do.
I wish I could make things right with the people I love. I wish I could make them understand what's going on in my head and how I really feel. I find it hard to put into words, and I'm afraid of hurting them, so I stay silent, and my silence only pushes them further away. When I do talk, I can't seem to express what I mean very well, and so things often come out wrong, meanings get confused and people are hurt by what I say, even though it wasn't meant to hurt. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to explain, and I'm afraid that it's too late, that things have been said that can't be unsaid, and the things I want to say, the time has passed to say them.
I feel like I've burned my bridges and there's no going back, no matter how hard I want to or wish to, I feel like the decision is out of my hands now, and my happiness depends on someone elses choices. All I can do now is hope that I'm wrong, that I'll have one more chance to sort things out.

Abscence

I didn't do an entry last night, for a couple of reasons... I went to the pub, and when I got back I was so tired and miserable I went straight to bed and nearly went to sleep. In the end I wrote a story, thats always a bad sign, when I'm being creative, that means I'm miserable, haven't started writing poems yet tho, so it can't be all that bad. No one is ever going to read this story ever tho. It was very depressing and ended up with everyone dying, so I read it through, and then destroyed it. The bin is probably the best place for it. I would have burned it, but knowing me I'd have burned the house down too. I didn't have a lot to be grateful for last night. I haven't got a lot to be grateful for tonight either. Life sucks when you're miserable, and only seem to be capable of hurting everyone around you, especially the people you love the most. It doesn't matter how much I apologise or try to explain, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to undoe the damage I did last night. I stopped taking my happy pills, which on reflection was a very silly thing to do. I don't want to be happy just because of some herbal happy pills, I want to be happy because I am happy, not because my brain is being chemically altered. I suppose it will take time, for now I've started taking the pills again, because even herbal happiness is better than depression. I hope I will be able to rebuild the bridges I started to burn last night. I need to be able to fix things, because I can't live my life knowing I threw away happiness because I couldn't be happy. If that makes sense.
I'll try for 3 things to be grateful for today:
1. Weetabix, cos it's easy and filling.
2. Writing, because I can get all of my frustrations out on paper and analyse my thoughts and feelings and try to work through them.
3. Still being alive this morning (although I don't know whether to be grateful for that or not...it remains to be seen)

Incidentally, if you read this Pete...Please don't disappear.

On a slightly lighter note...

Well, I say lighter, it's mainly just my three things to be grateful for, tho my fish tank is looking less cloudy, and I had a good day at work.
Three things to be grateful for today:
1. The boss being off.
2. Being on time despite the bus being late.
3. finding all my fish still alive this morning.

The Youth of Today

I was reading the local paper in my lunch half-hour today, just flicking through really to while away the minutes until I could go back to doing my job (because it's such an exciting and invigorating job!). There was a letter from a girl who was replying to one published the previous week which I remember reading from a lady who was basically complaining about the 'Youth of Today'. This girl was sixteen, and was quite rightly pointing out to everyone that it is not the majority of youths that cause problems and vandalise property, but a very small minority. She also put forward a very valid point indeed: That everyone is born into the world helpless, and that we are shaped into the people we become by looking up to our supposed elders and betters, basically, that no matter how hard the older generations complain about the behaviour of younger generations, it is ultimately their responsibility for the examples they have set and the way they have brought up their children. I know other factors are heavily involved in how people develop and howthey 'turn out', but this letter struck a chord with me and I found myself agreeing with a lot of what the girl said. The younger generations get blamed for a lot of ills in the world, and a lot of what they take the rap for isn't necessarily their (our) fault. I do think that maybe the blame lies somewhere in between. I see a lot of children (working in retail as I do) who have little or no manners, and no respect for property or person. Invariably the parents of these children have no disciplinary skills, they let their children run riot, if the child wants sweets and the mother or father says 'no', the child will pester the parent until he or she gives in. Equally tho I see parents who rule over their children with an 'iron rod' of swearing and threats. I cringe when I hear parents screaming at their children, I know my mum never had to scream at me, a quiet word and a look was enough to know that I'd done wrong. I think that there is a middle road when it comes to parenting, don't get me wrong, most parents do a fantastic job, and it is only the minority that I am talking about here, I know that I couldn't do it, certainly not yet, probably not ever. I also think that as each generation grows up and produces their own kids, they think 'I'm not going to treat my kids the way my mum and dad treated me.' I know I did when I was about 16 or so. I have grown up a lot since then and I realise the need for disipline. If I do ever have children I will try my hardest to bring them up with manners, and a respect for people and property.

Fish in tanks

Another day in work has passed, and I'm already forgetting that I had a holiday last week. The days are going quite quickly tho, so it's not too bad. I wish I had a different job though. I also wish I could sort out my fish tank, I don't know whats wrong with it, I'm doing everything the man in the shop told me to, but now the water's gone all cloudy and it's starting to smell. I don't think the fish are too impressed, I did another water change today, but the water is still cloudy, and another fish died. Maybe I'm just not meant to have fish. I will persevere, and if it's no better by saturday I'll go back to the shop and ask their advice. Hopefully the fish will last until then :-(
I lost my purse today, fortunately I hadn't lost it anywhere bad, I'd just left it on the dining room table, but I got a fright when I opened my bag at lunchtime and found it wasn't there, I worried about it all day as well, it's a horrible feeling. I had a nasty feeling I'd left it in the pub last night, but then I remembered that I'd had to take it out of my bag to get to my phone last night, and I reckoned I'd just forgotten to put it back. And there it was, laughing at me when I got home...
It's payday on thursday, and sometime this week I'm planning to go and see The Day After Tomorrow, although I have heard it's had some bad reviews despite all the really great adverts. Ah well, we can go and see for ourselves and make our own minds up. Thats it for today I'm afraid, didn't do anything exciting so I'm just wittering to myself...and you.

Things to be grateful for today:
1. The boss not shouting at me when I was half an hour late because of the buses and roadworks.
2. Getting home earlier than usual because I was lucky with the buses (obviously not in the morning)
3. Finding that my Siamese Fighting Fish was looking better despite the nasty tank water, I'd expected it to be dead several times over the last few days.

The joys of HTML

Wow. I've been doing html, and I'm quite impressed with myself, because I've never done it before. You see all those links down the side of the page?? I did those! Ok so I did have a lot of help from Mart, and it wasn't all that difficult once I got into it, but still, I'm proud of myself for even attempting it, instead of running away and either leaving it as it was, or getting someone to do it for me. That's one to me I think.

Well it was my first day back at work today, and surprisingly it wasn't too bad. Everyone seemed in a good mood for once, even the boss, and the day went quite quickly. We have some new staff too, one of whom was in today, he seems quite nice, tho I didn't really have a chance to speak to him all that much. I just hope that all the new staff doesn't mean that my hours will be cut, because if they are, I will have to find a new job pretty sharpish, I can just about afford to survive on what I'm earning now, provided I don't try and leave home again!

Well all this exciting html stuff has left me a bit tired so I think I will leave it for tonight.

Things to be grateful for:
1. Martin's help with the html
2. Happy work colleagues
3. My own determination to master even the simple bits of the html

A new new Journal

Well, here I am again, trying a different site for my online journal. I found that LiveJournal wasn't all that good really, and AOL is still not working. Mart suggested blogger.com, so here I am, and I have to say that it seems a lot easier and better to use than livejournal.
Today I have had a wonderful relaxing and peaceful day, the last day of my hols. I spent it wandering aimlessly around bits of the Wirral with Pete, my fella. It is going to be one of those times that sticks in my head forever. Sitting on the sandstone formations at Thurstaston with Pete, with the sun warming my face, and the wind blowing my hair, just watching the trees waving in the breeze and the clouds scudding across the incredibly blue sky, I felt so happy and peaceful I didn't want to move on. But we did, I had to go home eventually. Now I am home, and I realise that I should have taken some sun cream with me, because I'm decidedly sunburned, and the cardigan I'm wearing because of the chill, is irritating it slightly. I looked in the mirror about ten minutes ago and my nose is all pink, and my top has left me with stripes on my shoulders and a big pink V on my chest. There's even a little white spot where my pendant was lying. :::sigh::: Looks like I'll have to get out the aftersun. I realised while I was out that I forgot to take my happy pill again this morning. When I mentioned it to Pete he said: 'How do you feel?' I guess I didn't need it today, The first day that I've been properly happy without the pills for a long time. I hope this is a turn of the corner and things will continue to get better. Even if it isn't, I have today to look back on and think 'this is how I can be if I give myself time and encouragement.' Its something to strive for at least.
Three things to be grateful for today:
1. The feel of the wind in my hair.
2. Cute friendly dogs.
3. Fantastic all day breakfasts

and one more for good measure...
4. Knowing I'm loved and that I love in return