GOURANGA!!

Sitting on the bus today, I passed some fly posters with the words 'Shout GOURANGA, Be Happy' on them. It made me laugh in a really bitter and cynical way. The people that posted those bits of paper really and truly believe that shouting some wierd word can make you happy. It doesn't work. At the moment things seem to be going from bad to worse. Everything I say or do is misunderstood, when I say something it seems to have hidden barbs in it, even though I don't mean it to. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do.
I wish I could make things right with the people I love. I wish I could make them understand what's going on in my head and how I really feel. I find it hard to put into words, and I'm afraid of hurting them, so I stay silent, and my silence only pushes them further away. When I do talk, I can't seem to express what I mean very well, and so things often come out wrong, meanings get confused and people are hurt by what I say, even though it wasn't meant to hurt. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to explain, and I'm afraid that it's too late, that things have been said that can't be unsaid, and the things I want to say, the time has passed to say them.
I feel like I've burned my bridges and there's no going back, no matter how hard I want to or wish to, I feel like the decision is out of my hands now, and my happiness depends on someone elses choices. All I can do now is hope that I'm wrong, that I'll have one more chance to sort things out.