Abscence

I didn't do an entry last night, for a couple of reasons... I went to the pub, and when I got back I was so tired and miserable I went straight to bed and nearly went to sleep. In the end I wrote a story, thats always a bad sign, when I'm being creative, that means I'm miserable, haven't started writing poems yet tho, so it can't be all that bad. No one is ever going to read this story ever tho. It was very depressing and ended up with everyone dying, so I read it through, and then destroyed it. The bin is probably the best place for it. I would have burned it, but knowing me I'd have burned the house down too. I didn't have a lot to be grateful for last night. I haven't got a lot to be grateful for tonight either. Life sucks when you're miserable, and only seem to be capable of hurting everyone around you, especially the people you love the most. It doesn't matter how much I apologise or try to explain, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to undoe the damage I did last night. I stopped taking my happy pills, which on reflection was a very silly thing to do. I don't want to be happy just because of some herbal happy pills, I want to be happy because I am happy, not because my brain is being chemically altered. I suppose it will take time, for now I've started taking the pills again, because even herbal happiness is better than depression. I hope I will be able to rebuild the bridges I started to burn last night. I need to be able to fix things, because I can't live my life knowing I threw away happiness because I couldn't be happy. If that makes sense.
I'll try for 3 things to be grateful for today:
1. Weetabix, cos it's easy and filling.
2. Writing, because I can get all of my frustrations out on paper and analyse my thoughts and feelings and try to work through them.
3. Still being alive this morning (although I don't know whether to be grateful for that or not...it remains to be seen)

Incidentally, if you read this Pete...Please don't disappear.