Dating

I may have a date next week.
And what the fuck is the ad thingy at the top of the page going on about... last time I looked it was avertising re-usable 'peeing tools' so that girls can pee standing up. Re-usable? Ewww, like I'd want to put that back in my handbag once I'd finished using it...cos lets face it girls, the main time yo want to be able to pee standing up is when you're out and about in the dark after leaving a club or somehing, and definately where there's no sinks about to be able to wash the damn thing out!

Just a dream?

So yeah, I text him to see if he wants a cigarette, and he say's yeah.
So I go round to his house, and we stand outside, and I light up. He tells me he's given hp, and I shrug and ask him why he didn't tell me that before I came round. He doesn't answer.
So I ask about her and if she's away, and he shakes hs head and says that she's gone, left him.
I'm kinda shocked and can't say anything.
Then he urns to me and says that he didn't want to have been the one to tell me, that he'd been hoping I'd hear it from someone else, on the grapevine.
And thats wha hurts.
So I make to leave, and tell him he should have told me sooner, that I would have wanted to know, to try and help, and tha Im really upset that he didn't tell me til now.
And as I'm walking away, he grabs my arm and he says that it's all my fault. The way his life is now, is all because of me, and I can see the hate in his eyes as I look at him, and I feel the anger welling up inside of me, and I drag my arm free of his grip and smack him hard in the face, first with a slap and then with a hard left hook.
Then I turn and walk away and all I can think of is where I get the bus from in this area. I can hear him shouting in the background, but its all fading as I just keep walking into geyness and then wakefulness.

Fucked up.
Totally fucking fucked up.
Is it just a dream, or is my subconcious trying to tell me that this is how he realy feels?
It's fucked

The Winner Takes it all.

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
Because it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence

But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all


Hmm. Some quite disturbing parallels between my life and this song. Who needs complicated, cryptic lyrics anyway? Say it like it is eh Annefrid (or possibly Agnetha) can't actually remember which of the ABBA girls it was that wrote this after one of the ABBA boys broke her heart. Of course there's always two sides to every story.
But on the other hand, what does it matter now anyway? It's what he wanted... to be rid of the wingeing, moody, clingy hanger-on. Thats why he did what he did, didn't do what he said he would, and kept pushing.

But now, what's a girl to do when she has a heart full of mistrust and cynicism? Well she could try and make herself feel better and get her own back by sleeping with everyone that comes near her, but that never works... that just makes her feel like a dirty slut... or she could throw herself into verything else she has in her life and try and forget who it is that she actually is. Attack work with a vengeance, fill up her time with other things, try her hardest to get back onto the dating scene... except she knows she can't love another man, not even half as much as she loved him. And so she keeps trying to forget and to hide, but in the darkness of her own head, in her room, alone, at night it all comes crashing down on her.

She feels abandoned, broken, used, ashamed, frightened, lost, angry, hateful, confused, hurt, cold, desperate, disillusioned, mistrustful, alone, and damaged.

How is she supposed to be free when she fels like this?

And how long will it take to not feel like this?

God

I can't feel him anymore.
It's gonna sound weird to you non-believers, but I used to be able to feel him. 'd pray, and I'd feel safe, or warm, or just loved and at peace.
But now I don't feel anything.
I still believe, I know he's there somewhere, I just don't know why he's not listening, or if he is, why he's not helping. And I don't mean helping in a 'wave a hand and all will be well' kind of way... I am working my way through my own problems... I mean helping in a listening and reassuring kind of way. The world is a cold and lonely place.

I could do with a copy of Zoomtext tha isn't a demo and doesn't give my laptop trojans and bloody pop up ads

People are evil sons of bitches.
I mean for starters if the damned program wasn't bloody nearly £500 to buy I wouldn't have to try and download a cracked copy off the internet...I mean it's just extorting money out of the people that need the software to be able t use a computer.
And then you get arseholes that attach nasty little viruses to programs, or name it one thing when it's really another so you end up with utter shit or a laptp that's not working quite right.
Of course if certain people had done what they said they were going to do months ago, it wouldn't have been an issue, but I was desperate because my eye was playing up and my back was bad because of sitting hunched over the laptop with my hand held magnifier squinting through it at the damned screen... and I had course work to do.

I'm pissed off at the world, I feel like I've been abandoned by certain people that I thought gave a shit, including God. I'm stressed at wrk because it's all new and I'm trying to learn and train people at the same time, and despite the fact I've now joined three dating sites, I've had only one person reply to my emails. And I'm supposed to be going for surgery on my left eye on tuesday despite the fact that my right eye is unstable, and I keep etting leaks in there and gong pretty much blind in that eye. So od course messing about with the other one seems like such a good decision.

On the other hand date site girl does appear to be quite nice.