Leigh

Yeah, haven't been on for a while.

To be honest it's been a really stressful time, mum got a detached retina again, so she's been out of action, and I've been worried about her. I'm also worried about Sam, and as for the whole situation of my love life, well thats just evil at the moment.

I went out with Leigh on friday night. Purely by accident as he sent a text to me instead of his mate Kate, andyway, to cut a long story short I went out with them, as I had nothing better to do, and we had fun, and then stupidly we kissed, and then to make things worse, we were honest with eachother, and then Kate came and had a chat with me and told me some stuff, and now my head's a mess and I don't know what the hell to do.

Ok, so Leigh I saw before the twisted fuck. He ended the relationship because he was still in love with his ex. Yeah. Figures. So I went off, found the twisted fuck and spend the next 3 years losing confidence and self esteem unter TTF's careful ministering.

I heard from Leigh a couple of times after that, but we eventually lost touch. Six years later, face book provides a means for us to be reunited and we start talking again.

To be fair meeting up with him, especially at the moment with everything thats going on, probably wasn't the best idea. Kissing him was definately not a good idea, especially in the light of what Kate told me later.

He's a lot sweeter than I remember him being, also a lot taller and skinnier... Believe me, you don't know what the word emaciated means until you've met him...but it's not like he doesn't eat, and he's got so much energy it's exhausting just watching him. Anyway, after drinking a bit, and listening to him talk about anything and everything I got lost in the moment, and in his eyes, and well, yeah it happened.

And all I could think when we were kissing was 'is this right? Should this be happening? Am I ready for this?'

And then he asked...'what is this? where are we going with this?'

And the flood gates opened, and I told him a lot. How I feel about Gary, all the pain and anger and frustration at being unable to get over him, the fear of not waning to be hurt again, the need to not hurt anyone else because of how I feel, the self destructiveness and the feeling of being completely helpless and useless and vulnerable and alone.

And he understood.

Apparently he's just as fucked up when it comes to life and love as I am. He won't let himself get close to anyone, he wears this hard crusty shell, a mask so that people can't see how sensitive he is, and he's got so damned good at it that people actually believe it. Except with me, he's different. He admitted that himself. And he also admitted that he couldn't take any more pain, and he hasn't let himself show his feelings or even to feel properly for years.

And after that he said that he hadn't felt the same way about anyone else since, that he'd felt about me, but that he understood how I felt, and respected it. Not just empty words like the last time I heard them from Anton, but proper, heartfelt promises.

And then we went to the Kray, and I spoke to Kate, or rather she spoke to me, and she said that he'd never really got over me. Even though he'd ended it, he realised he'd made a huge mistake, but by that time it was far too late, and I was with TTF.

I swear that my life is turning into a madern day Catherine Cookson Novel.

And now I am in a dilemma. I like Leigh a lot. He's sweet and caring and lovely, and I might well have feelings there for him, but I don't want to hurt him, or get hurt again, and I'm still in love with Gary. And thats just part of the problem...I know there's never going to be anything more between me and Gary, no matter how long I sit and wait. He made his choice, he chose her over me, and thats fine, I even understand that, but I can't go on loving him and not moving on. Sometimes I can feel it like a physical pain inside me, and the worse thing is, I know he's not perfect, but the fact that I don't see him, and I don't speak to him that much makes it so much worse, cos now I have an agelic, rose tinted picture of him in my head, and I don't know if it's the perfect image of him that I'm in love with or the real man.

And Leigh. Well I don't know if I'm attracted to him because I feel I need to move on, as like a rebound thing, tho it has been 11 months or so, or if I'm attracted to his vulnerability, or the fact that he's nice to me, or the fact that he obviously has feelings for me, or whether I'm attracted to him because he's attractive and I think maybe it could work. But one thing Kate said is completely right...If I do decided to go for it and get into something with Leigh, I have to do it for me, nobody else, and I have to do it for me, for the right reasons.

I'm just to scared to find out eaxactly what I feel incase I hurt someone, and myself along the way.