Download.

And I really really want to go to download... not because it's a particularly good line up this year, just because I need a break away from things.

But no one I know is going, I was seriously thinking about going on my own, but I can't afford a ticket and the train fare all the way to donnington. All I really need is someone with a space in their car to give me a ride there and back, and maybe a hand pitching my tent if it's windy...after that I'd be fine, but alas it doesn't look like I'll be going.

That reminds me I need to ask Hab about edinburgh and make sure everyone is still coming. 30 is looming on the horizon and is fast approaching.

I hate my life at the moment...whenever I try to change it for the better shit happens to make me feel bad about it all again. I'm sick of fighting all the tinme.

Leigh

Yeah, haven't been on for a while.

To be honest it's been a really stressful time, mum got a detached retina again, so she's been out of action, and I've been worried about her. I'm also worried about Sam, and as for the whole situation of my love life, well thats just evil at the moment.

I went out with Leigh on friday night. Purely by accident as he sent a text to me instead of his mate Kate, andyway, to cut a long story short I went out with them, as I had nothing better to do, and we had fun, and then stupidly we kissed, and then to make things worse, we were honest with eachother, and then Kate came and had a chat with me and told me some stuff, and now my head's a mess and I don't know what the hell to do.

Ok, so Leigh I saw before the twisted fuck. He ended the relationship because he was still in love with his ex. Yeah. Figures. So I went off, found the twisted fuck and spend the next 3 years losing confidence and self esteem unter TTF's careful ministering.

I heard from Leigh a couple of times after that, but we eventually lost touch. Six years later, face book provides a means for us to be reunited and we start talking again.

To be fair meeting up with him, especially at the moment with everything thats going on, probably wasn't the best idea. Kissing him was definately not a good idea, especially in the light of what Kate told me later.

He's a lot sweeter than I remember him being, also a lot taller and skinnier... Believe me, you don't know what the word emaciated means until you've met him...but it's not like he doesn't eat, and he's got so much energy it's exhausting just watching him. Anyway, after drinking a bit, and listening to him talk about anything and everything I got lost in the moment, and in his eyes, and well, yeah it happened.

And all I could think when we were kissing was 'is this right? Should this be happening? Am I ready for this?'

And then he asked...'what is this? where are we going with this?'

And the flood gates opened, and I told him a lot. How I feel about Gary, all the pain and anger and frustration at being unable to get over him, the fear of not waning to be hurt again, the need to not hurt anyone else because of how I feel, the self destructiveness and the feeling of being completely helpless and useless and vulnerable and alone.

And he understood.

Apparently he's just as fucked up when it comes to life and love as I am. He won't let himself get close to anyone, he wears this hard crusty shell, a mask so that people can't see how sensitive he is, and he's got so damned good at it that people actually believe it. Except with me, he's different. He admitted that himself. And he also admitted that he couldn't take any more pain, and he hasn't let himself show his feelings or even to feel properly for years.

And after that he said that he hadn't felt the same way about anyone else since, that he'd felt about me, but that he understood how I felt, and respected it. Not just empty words like the last time I heard them from Anton, but proper, heartfelt promises.

And then we went to the Kray, and I spoke to Kate, or rather she spoke to me, and she said that he'd never really got over me. Even though he'd ended it, he realised he'd made a huge mistake, but by that time it was far too late, and I was with TTF.

I swear that my life is turning into a madern day Catherine Cookson Novel.

And now I am in a dilemma. I like Leigh a lot. He's sweet and caring and lovely, and I might well have feelings there for him, but I don't want to hurt him, or get hurt again, and I'm still in love with Gary. And thats just part of the problem...I know there's never going to be anything more between me and Gary, no matter how long I sit and wait. He made his choice, he chose her over me, and thats fine, I even understand that, but I can't go on loving him and not moving on. Sometimes I can feel it like a physical pain inside me, and the worse thing is, I know he's not perfect, but the fact that I don't see him, and I don't speak to him that much makes it so much worse, cos now I have an agelic, rose tinted picture of him in my head, and I don't know if it's the perfect image of him that I'm in love with or the real man.

And Leigh. Well I don't know if I'm attracted to him because I feel I need to move on, as like a rebound thing, tho it has been 11 months or so, or if I'm attracted to his vulnerability, or the fact that he's nice to me, or the fact that he obviously has feelings for me, or whether I'm attracted to him because he's attractive and I think maybe it could work. But one thing Kate said is completely right...If I do decided to go for it and get into something with Leigh, I have to do it for me, nobody else, and I have to do it for me, for the right reasons.

I'm just to scared to find out eaxactly what I feel incase I hurt someone, and myself along the way.

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.


And so this song has been tormenting me all day. I only know the chorus, as above, and tho it is a great song, it is not the cheeriest of melodies to have going round and round and round your head since six o'clock this morning.

In fact it's quite depressing, especially when coupled with intermittent breaks filled by Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. A sonf that always without fail makes me cry.

Had a good talk with Gary tho, which cheered me up for a bit...just not for long

I think my head is going to explode.

creation

The urge to create is burning inside me, in more ways than one.

Everyone around me seems to be procreating and adding to the population problem, and freakishly, I find myself wanting to do the same thing.

Of course, with my medical history and the fact I haven't got even the sniff of a man in my life let alone a stable relationship, it's unlikely to happen...ever if I continue my 'All men are evil, scummy, leech-like bastards@ phase.

Because really... Men are utter fuck uppity useless at commitment and even worse at actually caring...apart from the aforesaid, few and far between men who are either Gay, married or dead. Or possibly all three.

Anyway I'm not going to start man bashing again...I did enough of that talking to Joey the other night. Learned a lot about that girl I didn't know too. She's a dark horse that one. And I never did understand that expression.

Anyway, the creativity...I've been full of ideas lately, yeah now that I'm back at work and have no time to write stuff, I get ideas. And you have no idea the tortureof being bored shitless in work, and not being able to work on the ideas that buzz inside your head...well Chris might being a fellow creative whizz. It is very frustrating anyway, and by the time you get home, your tired and having stared at a computer screen all day, you don't really want to start all over again. And yet here I am, typing this drivel, when I could be being creative...go figure.

Reunion

High school reunion number 1.

Yeah the first one in 13 years.

Some people don't change, it's quite scary really. Those that turned up:

Me,
Andy Sullivan,
Claire Riley (now jones)
Kay (can't remember her second name)
Paul Herbert (now Holmes)
Graeme Dodd
Matty Stanley
Jamie Thompson
Charlie Harris
And a guy who apparently was in my form, except I can't remember what his name is. I'm really quite embarrassed by that.

And Kerry New turned up with a hhen night, randomly out of the blue and said hello.

Anyway it was good to see old faces. People do look the same, except Andy, who's stopped being skinny and funny looking, which is how I remember him, and started being actually quite damned sexy.

I'm not going there, mainly because I think he;'s seeing someone, but also because I'm off men.

I got really drunk and made a tit of myself anyway. And never wear new high heels on a night out. Ended up being escorted to the bus stop by Andy and Kay, minus shoes, cos I couldn't walk in them, and I was home by 11.

I have really got to stop doing that...I think I ended up minus shoes being carried home at Chris's wedding, well definately being carried. At least my mum and dad didn't have rto put me to bed this time.

erm

Not Sam, definately not Sam, I hope thats kind of obvious...much as I love Sam to bits, I really don't want to spend every waking minute with him and he's not constantly on my mind, but I hope that the person I was writing about knows that if he ends up reading this.

I'm rambling so I'll shut up. Just felt I should clear that up cos that last post sounded a bit...ambiguous.

Realisation is never fun

So yeah...Sam's birthday, tried ringing him to say happy birthday but I guess he's off enjoying himself .

Ended up going to see Nim's Island, which was a bit shit and made me want to live on a deserted island far away from anyone at all.

And then I came home and watched Two Pints of Lager and A Packet of Crisps. Four series in two days is probably a bit of overkill, but up until tonifght it was making me laugh.

Today it made me cry.

And then I stopped crying, and and tried to work out why I was crying, and why I wanted to move to a deserted island as far away from everything and everyone as possible, and I figured it was vecause I don't want to face up to anything.

Because the fact is, I've been hiding from it, and trying to bury it deep inside, and I can't do it anymore.

I love him. I can't stop loving him. He is the first person I want to see in the morning when I wake up and the last person I want to see at night before I go to sleep. He is the only person I want to curl up with and be close to.

When I have some good news, he is the first person I want to tell, and when I have bad news he is the person I want to run to.

I want to look after him and make him happy. I want to comfort him when he's down, and be there for him when he needs me. I want to be the one he runs to when he's hurt or afraid. I want to be the one he loves and holds. I want him to be mine, and me to be his.

He said something to me the other day when I spoke to him about Anton.

And the answer to his unspoken question is I cope with it by pretending it's not happening and not thinking about it, because every time I do it cuts me up inside, it breaks my heart and turns my stomach to this cold iron ball.

I love him with all my heart and all my soul.

And I wish I'd never fallen in love with him, because I know it's never going to be real. I know he's never going to be mine ever again.

I really want to be drunk right now.

No More

Yeah well, like every other little prick in the world, Anton turned out to be another slimy twat who was only after one thing...All the shit about 'I respect you' 'i understand you', 'I'll give you time'...same as all the rest...ten minutes later...'Hey do you know any hotels round here we can spend some time in?' On a wednesday afternoon, like I'm some sort of english whore. I don't fucking think so.

They are all exactly the same, thats all they want, sex, sex sex, all they have on their fucking pea sized brains. I'm sick of being treeated like I don't fucking matter and like I'm just a piece of skirt to use and throw away when they can't be arsed with me any more.

No more...men arre utter pieces of shit and I don't want anything more to do with them.

Especially not lying slimy, fuck heads like anton.

And what makes it even sicker..I think he actually liked me too... And I explained maybe four times that I wasn't ready for any big romance, didn't want to get too involved...wanted friendship more than anything else, and he still kept pushing me and pushing me.

I had 5 missed calls in half an hour from him while I was at my course on wednesday night, even tho I'd told him I didn't finish til nine and I was going straight home to bed cos I was tired after being ill..He's not rung since, and I have not intention of ringing him either, he can find some other lonely english girl to try and seduce with his big brown eyes. Fucker.

I'm sick of being used for sex by two faced, lying ass holes, whon promise friendship or love and then fuck you off in favour of the the next, prettier model to come along.

I'm sick of being treated like shit. And of loving people who blatantly don't love me.

I'm sick of two timing scum who seem to think it's ok to plan their lives to try and keep two women on the go...thats not aimed at you G. That was one thing you never did...

I'm sick of having to self justify my choices... They're my fucking choices...why should I need to justify them to myself???

I'm really really fucking angry now, and the worst thing about it all, is that I've only got my self to blame, I am only able to be angry with myself for making the same mistakes over and over again, and falling in love with the wrong damned people over and over and over.

Except maybe Joey, she doesn't fit into that category...I don't know what category she does fit into...I'd like to find out someday if I get the chance.

And hey you know what...getting drunk and ranting really doesn't solve anything, it really doesn't make you feel anybetter, it just means your drunk, and in the morning you just feel like crap cos you were drunk, and will probably end up deleteing this post as mindless drivel.

I fucking hate men..they're all shit heads all dick and no fucking brains.

Apologies to anyone who's reading this if a you're a nice man with a brain, seeing a nice man with a brain, or married to one. That'll be all three of them then. All three of the straight ones anyway. Hold on to them.