I'm worried about Sam, he seems really down. Not surprising.
I'm also worried about Terry, but I think Terry can look after himself so I'm not as worried about him... I'l just keep going round every so often to keep him company (and watch star gate)
I'm worried abiut my friend even though she seems better. Screw it I'll call the poor girl Samntha from now on, even though it's not her actual name. She doesn't deserve to be called 'she' and h'er' all the time.
I'm worried about Him, mainly because I scared him (not entirely my fault, just a fairly huge misunderstanding and some argumentativeness on my part thrown in for good measure), but as Sam is also worried, that makes me even more worried, ans Sam never admits to being worried about anything or anyone...I know he DOES worry, just he always seems to appear laid back.
I'm worried about going for this new promotion at work and wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
I'm worried about trying for this counselling course
I'm worriedabout my eye op that's coming up fast again.
I'm worried about turning 30...I don't want to be thirty.
I'm slighly worried about Joey, cos I texted her a few times the last couple of days and she hasn't got back to me...of course that could be my phone and the messages haven't got through, and Joey is perfectly able to look after herself.
I'm worried about the morale and divide on my team at work.
I'm really worried about my Aunty.
I'm worried about my brother and Caroline, what with her expecting my first niece or nephew...Everything appears fine, they're having no problems or anything, but I'm still worrying.
I'm worryed that no matter how hard I try to save money there appears to be a bottomless hole in my bank account that pounds leak through and disappear.
I'm worried that my student loan deferral forms haven't arrived yet, I'm sure they're normally here by now.
I'm worried that I seem to have lost my creative sparkle, and have stopped writing yet again...the words don't seem to want to flow anymore.
I need to get some sleep but I don't know if my brain will let me...I can probably afford to get some nytols next week, and try to get back into a pattern. Pay day on monday...with any luck they might put the money in my account on saturday then I can drag Sam out and try to cheer him up, or at least try and take his mind off the impending cloud for a bit.
Must text Hab, haven't heard from the cheery chappie in a while...mental note to self...text Hab in the morning.
Now I need to get some sleep.

I hope my readers are all well and safe and healthy and stuff.

I love you all. (Especially Joey ;o) )

Posting

I did intend to delete the last post after certain people seemed to think I was posting about myself.

I wasn't. Don't know whether it's my settings but the post appears to still be there...

Anyway my friend is doing ok.. which can only be a good thing... She seems a lot more positive now, I'm still keeping an eye on her though.

And now the hard part... My Auntyhas cancer...I mean more cancer. She had breast cancer a few years ago, got through it and stuff, and about 18 months ago she found some more lumps and was on medication for them, anyway she had to go for a scan a few weeks ago, and they've found 'speckles' in her lungs, liver, pelvis and spine. Speckles is far too nice a word when it's used to mean tiny traces of cancerous cells, it makes it sound trivial. It's not. She's got to have major strength chemotherapy to ty and kill it before it gets worse.

The fact that it's spread doesn't sound encouraging to me, but I guess it's wait and see wht the chemo does.

I'm struggling with this at the moment, she'd gone into remission, and my Uncle has been so happy since he l went to live with her, and got married. It's probably been a good ten years since the wedding, which they had after the first illness. It just seems so unfair.

My uncle, most people would say he wasn't very nice having had a 20 odd year affair with my aunty, while living in misery with his first wife. He married the wrong woman. My aunty nakes him happy, where as my uncle and his first wife made eachother miserable ( also technically my aunty) Why they stayed together so long I have no idea...it was handled very badly and was very messy, but I think they're both happy now... Anyway I'm digressing slightly... My point is that he wasted so many years of his life being miserable, and leading a complicated double life, when he could have been happy and lead a much simpler life if he'd called it quits a lot longer ago. And now their happiness is threatened by cancer again... It really isn't fair. I'm hoping and praying every day that things go well, that the chemo works and that my aunty gets better soon.

After 30

It feels kinda bad when all of the mates you're still in touch with, that you went to school with are married, with or without kids, or attatched with or without kids, and all the approaching 30 girls from work are either married, getting married or running round freaking out because they need to get married before they hit 30.

It's not like I didn't ask all the single persons I knew if they'd marry me. Yes on february 29th I asked all five of my single friends to marry me. Here's the breakdown... One non reply that was Terry, but he may have been stoned so I'll let him off. One I'll let you know next leap yer...That was Sam. One don't be silly it's meant to be girls asking boys...that was Sarah. One yes of course from Hab, and one yes but I'd rather live in sin from Joey... Living in sin is fine by me lol. Technically tho, if you're religious christian, biblical etc, I think actually marrying someone of the same sex as you could well be about as sinful as you get...short of murder and covetting your neighbour's ox and stuff. Personally I think that God just wants people to be happy and healthy and not murdering and declaring war on eachother.

Any way, turning 30 feels nasty. I don't want to be the only girl from my year not married/sprogified or at least in a meaningful relationship, i.e. one that isn't doomed to fail from the beginning because the other person is either married, a total fuck up, a conniving cunt (sorry) or just not interested.

Are there any people out there apart from Hab and Joey, who would actually want to marry for who I am, who would love me for the person I am inside, warts and all, who would see my heart and soul and want me...and I mean single unnattached not married people here... cos I know at least one person who feels that way, but well..lets just not go there.

On the other hand, do I really need to be part of a couple...I could break the mould and chuck the 'how to be a good 30 year old' rule book right out of the window, and Not be attached, not be married (well thats a certain one anyway) and not have kids (also a certain) and just float onwards doing what I do, i.e moan about being single, fail to pull anyone ever and sit at my desk typing away on this thing., oh and live with my parents until they or I go mad.

Hmm. Let's think about this one...

Cancellation

You're right, You were there for me, and you did your best. Thank you.

The operation was cancelled.

Not at ant sensible time, like before I got to the hospital or anything like that...no. Gown on, eyedrops in, waiting to go to theatre, and the doctor that was supposed to be doing it explains that he's not happy about doing the procedure...not because of anything wrong with me, no I'm fine, my blood sugar level eas fine, my blood pressure was fantastic, no... The reason I couldn't have my eye sorted today was because Little Miss Dopey, the wonderful Doctor I saw in January who said 'Yes we can do this and fix youre cataract' apparently didn't speak to the Boss man, my consultant Mr Prasad. So Dr Kumar, the nice man I saw today was a bit reluctant and unsure that the procedure he was about to do was the correct one for me, and didn't want to do it without speaking to Mr Prasad first. Dair enough, I can live with that. I don't blame Dr Kumar at all, or Mr Prasad.

I'm fucking furious that Miss Dopey didn't speak to Mr Prasad before 7.30 am this morning when I was sitting on a trolley in a damned gown .

I'm also extremely annoyed about the fact that if I had not had the date of the operation moved form friday to Tuesday, then Mr Prasad would have been on site, probably doing the operation himself, and all of this shit wouldn't have happened.

I am somewhat convinced that Mr Prasad isn't going to be a very happy bunny when he finds out about this. I reckon that he may have known about the cataract/oil removal op, and that is possibly why I was in on friday originally.

Anyway, I'm extremely pissed off...I've had to take time off work for this pointless exercise. I couldn't even go back in today as they'd put drops in my eyes so I couldn't see. My boss was very understanding etc, but thats not the point is it really?

I've been stressing and worrying and getting completely wound up about this for days, and now I'l worry and stress and get wound up for another week or two until they finally decide to do it, and then it'll be more time off and more messing about and they way things are going the damned op will land right in the middle of my counselling course which starts in April, and which I need to get 90% attendance to pass.

I am really, really, really fucking really, really really fucking fuming..

Roll on september and edinburgh and strippers and booze and mates in hotel rooms. Well you only turn 30 once, and there has to be lots of drunken debauchery, cos after 30 you're dead lol

Keeping in touch

How am I supposed to do that then? You won't answer your phone, you won't answer texts, and it seems you're not even going to answer your emails... Short of coming to your house and hammerring on the fucking door what else do you want me to fucking do?

I'm guessing tomorrow is off too. You know how I've been lately, you know the shit...all you say is 'I want to be there for you' but you're not, and tomorrow's just going to be another disappointment.

All I wanted was a friend that was actually there, someone to give me a fucking hug and say 'don't worry, it's going to be alright' Five minutes of your precious time before I go into hospital on tuesday, but I know what'll happen...you'll say that something came up, or you weren't feeling well or you couldn't get away or you couldn't get the car...I know because I've heard it all before.

And you know why it hurts? Because I'd do anything for you, the times you've dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night because you were down, or scared or so fucked up on drugs you couldn't be alone I don't begrudge you that.

I don't want anything in return for that...I just want to be treated with a little respect, not in payment for anything I might have done for you, but as a human being. Don't lie to me. Don't tell me you'll do something and then fuck me off, don't hurt mr with drunken texts and dredge up the past that can never be again.

I want to be your friend, and I want you to be my friend. Sometimes friends need each other.

I need you now. I'm scared and worried, and you know how I feel about this operation thats coming up faster than fucking light, and I need you. I NEED you. I need YOU.

fUCKING DON'T KNOW WHY i'M EVEN WRITING THIS SHIT ON HERE, YOU DON'T EVEN READ THIS. I don't even know if I'll publish, or if I'll rven be able to find the fucking publish button I'm that pissed. I'm fucking amazed I can even find the buttons to type, or that I found the fucking on swith.

Sick of being walked on, evert one walks on me, wipes their feet on me, stamps on me cos I'm nobody, insignificant, unnoticed, invisible, undervalued.

If this all goes wrong you won't forgive yourself. Abd thats not a threat, I just know you. At least if it does go wrong, badly wrong I mean, I won't be here to see you fall apart. I never want to see that again. I love you angel, I always will. I just wanted you to be happy nothing else.

I need to get some fucking decent sleep. No more crazy fucked up dreams.

I'm sorry. I'm a bitch, a paranoid bitch...need to not drink..drink is bad umkay

Sense of Humour

Apparently I have no sense of humour because I find the idea of maiming or killing small animals offensive.

My mother wants to get an air rifle to fire at the cats in our garden because they may or may not have killed a bird in our garden. Feathers on the lawn, but 'no bits' apparently.

I don't care if she was joking or not, that kind of thing isn't funny.