Endings

So it seems I'm single again.
And I know one person who will be ecstatic about that fact, but he is a cunt who has been wishing me ill for the past six months or so, so I don't really care what he thinks.
The fact is that things sometimes happen in life that you can't control orchange. Emotions and problems sometimes get in the way of what you really want or what you really need. And that is basically what happened. There is just too much pain and too many difficulties at the moment for either of us to give a decent amount of time and stability and effort to our relationship. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a bastard tho, even if we both agre that at this point in time it is the right thing to do.
Even so, I still believe I will marry him one day, and probably have children with him, tho that depends on my health. Just not right now.
He's still going to teach me to play Bass, and we're still amazingly close friends. We are going camping together this weekend, and then to see Eltom John at the end of may and then Bon Jovi in june and then Download....lots of amazing things to look forward to.
On a related note, I found God.
I have never been a believer, or at least I have never thought I was a believer, mainly because organised religion is a load of crap full of beaurocracy, and hypocrisy and frighteningly archaic ideas. Organised religion causes too much pain and anger and war in the world, and I always believed that God, if he existed wouldn't want that kind of religion being his representative. And so I always told myself that I didn't believe.
So what changed?
Budlea and Gary.
Gary has a quiet faith built from his time with the witnesses. His bible study for years has proved for him the existance of God. He has never tried to convince me that God exists, or preached to me, but he does occasionally talk about parts of the bible and bits f why he knows God exists. It makes you think.
And then on saturday I was walking in west kirby, and the Budlea bushes in peoples gardens hung over the walls as I walked. For those who don't know, budlea are large bushes with big flowers made of lots of tiny florets. They come in various shades from almost white, through ponk and blue to a beautiful dark purple, and they smell divine.
As I walked, I looked at them, and I wondered how something so perfect could possibly have evolved. How if evolution was true, why were there so many different varieties of flower...surely one variety would be much more suited to survival, and then survival of the fittest would kick in. But there is not one type of flower, and there is not one type of tree, and there isn't one type of mammal and one type of bird, and everything hasn't evolved into one type of super being that can survive in any circumstance.
Brightly coloured petals are beautiful, but what other purpose does the colour serve? And why are many of the colours we see around us, greens and blues, colours that have a calming effect on the human mind? The world, like a house or a car, is designed, each piece has a purpose and a function, and it can't simply be due to random evolutionary changes. It seems inconceivable that something so unlikely could happen.
In my mind that is the only explaination I need. The fact that the world is so perfectly formed and so perfectly functional suggests to me that it was designed, and it was created. And that God is our designer and our creator.
I do believe in God. But don't ever ask me to believe in organised religion.