a friend said to me

HabibButt[23:09]: When I say i am pure and innocent I am more full of bollocks than Lee's thong

Heh say's it all really

The Whole thing

I want to close my eyes and sleep
For a thousand years or more
And when I wake from slumber, deep
Myheart, the sun, will thaw.

In that new land I wake to see,
The bad hings will be gone
And memories so sweet I'll keep
To remind me of my home.

I want to sleep for a thousand years
And leave my pain behind
My heart break and my the lakes of tears,
My happiness I'll find.

Anon.

Last night

I texted pete last night, late. I don't even know why I did, I was just feeling so miserable and crying and stuff. He rang me and we talked a bit. not about anything important, just general stuff. He cheered me up.
Just wish I wasn't so depressed.

closed

I want to close my eyes and sleep
For a thousand years or more
And when I wake from slumber deep
My heart, the sun will thaw.

Anon.

So I feel like this.
I don't know why or, why now, or why so suddenly.
I can't talk to anyone.

Panic

I feel dreadful. So far tonight I have had two panic attacks, only mild ones, but I can't seem to stop shaking for more than half an hour at a time. I don't feel like myself and I don't know whats wrong with me. I hate feeling like this.

Misery and the Chocolate factory

I have been a bit down. Well very down. Since friday night, when I started getting panic attacks again, one in a bar on Lark lane, and another one in the Krazy house while I was a bit drunk and pete had left me on my own. So I left, just walked out which is what caused the problems. But yesterday I din't feel much better, even shopping didn't help, and today was just a nightmare. I finally got the reading off my brother that I am supposed to be doing for his wedding in 3 weeks time, and it means that I can't pretend its not happening anymore. Not the wedding, thats not a problem,just the fact that I'm gonna have to stand up in front of a church full of people and read a passage from the bible. The thought of reading anything infront of anyone sends me into panic, let alone in church where I feel bloody uncomfortable anyway being an atheist and everything, I just feel kinda hypocritical being in a religious building, and having to read a passage from a religious book that I don't believe in is just going to put more pressure on me which I don't need because I'm really fragile and crazy at the moment.
So when my mum came back from being at church with my brother and Cariline and told me that he'd given her the reading, I went upstairs, had a mild panic attack and cried for an hour. I really don't think I can do it, but I have t because I don't want to let my brother down on the most important day of his life.
Then I went to see Charlie and the chocolate factory and was scared by Johnny Depp and his freaky michael Jacksonesque Willy Wonker. And scary sqirrels...were there squirrels in te original? I don't remember there being any...

I got very drunk last night, and not in a good way. I don't intend to that again any time soon. Tomorrow I am going to sleep and maybe go to the pictures. I was meant to be going with Pete but after things were said last night, I doubt he'll speak to me ever again. At least thats what he said so...

some fucking cunt has been spamming on the comments to my blog. fuck off spammers I don't want my blog to be an advert for your shitty products.
incidentally I'm pissed

Back to work

Well, I have spent the last few days playing catch up with my training. It hasn't been too bad, but now my head is being filled with jargon and national insurance numbers. I think I need to get my eyes tested too.
Oh and the doctor has put me on some tablets for my cholesterol. Its all fun.

Holiday...Sunday

Home again. The flight was ok, a bit scary flying into Manchester through the clouds, I have never been inside a cloud before and it’s slightly unnerving, but we landed safely with our luggage and duty free.

Holiday...Saturday

We made our way to Agateware Pottery early on in the morning. It was a tiny place, basically just a shop, and it is the only place in the world where you can get the agateware pottery. It is a very complicated process that has taken 30 years to perfect, and creates, by use of white clay and metal oxides, a multicoloured swirled pattern in the pottery that goes right through the clay, similar in look to agate, hence the name. I bought some earrings and matching pendant, because the effect of the pottery is really beautiful.
When we got back to the bus station we decided to visit the Occupation Tapestry, which was made between 1990 and 1995 in time for the 50th anniversary of the end of the german occupation of Jersey in the second world war. It is an amazing piece of work. The colours and detail in it are wonderful and the stitching is perfect. With it comes a brief history and accounts of what life was like during the occupation. It is a very interesting exhibition and well worth a visit.
In the same building as the tapestry is a little maritime museum which we went round, and is also worth a look. It has lots of things to read and look at and lots of interactive displays with buttons to press and noises to make.
After wandering around for a few hours, we did some souvenir shopping and ended up back at the Amber shop where we spent more money. This time I bought a large amber pendant. We had tea at the Italian restaurant again, then went back to the hotel to pak our bags and get ready for the flight home in the morning.

Holiday...Friday

I decided to act like a kid when we went to Jersey Pottery. After wandering around for a while and looking at the displays and the factory exhibition, I sat down in ‘Glaze craze’ and painted a mug. It was great fun, and despite the fact that everyone else in the room was below the age of 7 I enjoyed it immensely. Unfortunately I now have to wait for them to fire it and send me the finished article. I can’t wait to see what it looks like. Mum took some pictures of me doing it to compare how the colours of the glaze change when it is fired. After my potty spell, we had a sandwich for lunch and then went on a cruise that we had booked on Tuesday. It was around the south of the island, going into all the little bays and talking about the history and points of interest of the island. It was lovely. Calm and cool, and very interesting. Unfortunately most of my pictures didn’t turn out because of the movement of the boat.



We went back to Hectors fish and chips for tea and had a fish platter each.
The Moonlight battle of flowers parade started at 9pm. We watched the sunset while we waited for it to srtart, then the floats began to move. In the darkness, all lit up with tiny lights the floats looked quite ethereal, and despite the chilly wind, everyone, spectators and dancers and walkers alike all seemed in high spirits and a great carnival atmosphere was evident. I preferred the daylight parade myself, because the floats seemed more spectacular when seen in their full glory in the summer sun, but even in the half light they were beautiful. One float broke down half way round, which was saddening, and held things up for a while, but everyone took it in their stride as they tried to manoeuvre around it.
We were late to bed, and slept well indeed.

Holiday...Thursday

Walking through town on the way to get tickets for the battle of flowers parade we stumbled across a tiny jeweller who had a window display full of half price amber jewellery. Now my mum and I are exactly the same in one respect, we cannot walk past a display of amber without stopping to have a look. Especially when there is a sign saying ‘every item half price’. We spent a lot of money in that shop that day. I bought two amber rings, one in what I call the traditional amber colour, and one in green amber, and some green amber earrings. Mum bought a large silver and amber pendant and a smaller pendant and some earrings too. I know what you’re thinking…Amber isn’t green. Well there are six different colours of amber. And the colour depends on where it has come from in the deposit, and whether it has been frozen or not before solidifying.
Amber that has come from lower in the deposit, by the bark of the tree tends to have more impurities in it, such as moss and dirt which makes it greeny, further up where it is still dense, it is the traditional golden amber, and right at the top of the deposit, furthest from the tree, it is pale and champagne coloured. Amber formed in cold, frozen conditions takes on a cloudy appearance, either in the green or golden shades. And apparently amber that has lain in rivers in a certain part of the world takes on a bluey tinge. The jeweller was something of an amber expert, and a very very nice man.
After spending lots of money we went and bought some tickets for the battle of flowers parade. I have to say that it was fantastic. It is amazing how beautiful and detailed the floats were, and a lot of hard work and time must have gone into making them…Words can’t do it justice so here are some pictures of some of the floats.






It was very very hot and sunny, and I got sunburned feet.



After the parade we ate at an Italian restaurant on the way back to the hotel.

Holiday...Wednesday

This was probably one of our busiest days. After breakfast we examined the bus timetable after deciding where we wanted to go. And so we planned our day by timetables and bus routes. The bus station was just on the other side of the tunnel, and we found the stop we needed easily. Our first port of call was Jersey Lavendar farm…I have always loved the scent of lavender, and Mum adores the plants…she collects them, so we boarded the bus. The driver was quite unhelpful as we didn’t know where we were going and he seemed a bit annoyed and grumpy. So we spent the trip counting or trying to count bus stops so we would get off at the right place. As it was we didn’t need to, because the driver stopped and told us where we needed to get off anyway, but if he had been a bit more friendly and told us that in the first place we would have enjoyed the ride a bit more. The Lavender farm was not as good as we had hoped, and we didn’t stay long. All the flowers had been harvested, so the wash of purple we had hoped for wasn’t there. The place smelled very nice tho, and there was the added bonus of the hens with their chicks wandering freely among the gardens like chickens should be allowed to do. Our next stop was Jersey Pearl. My dad had said to mum before we went that if she saw anything that she liked for a 30th (pearl) anniversary present then she should get it. So really we had to go there as soon as we saw the leaflet. When we walked in, the first thing we saw was a ‘pick your own pearl’ offer. For £15 you could pick an oyster from the tanks, and they would open it and take out the pearl that was inside, measure it and grade it and give you a certificate of authenticity for it’s value. Every oyster was guaranteed to have a pearl of between £15 and £78 depending on the size and colour. Mum got a slightly pinky one worth £44 and I got a white one worth £38. We had both been hoping for a rare and beautiful blue pearl, but never mind. After pearl fishing we wandered around the shop, and mum bought a gorgeous necklace, bracelet and earring set for her anniversary in pink pearl and silver.
Following the Jersey Pearl, we went to a mineral museum and shop called Treasures of the Earth. The museum was a little bit disappointing, but the shop was amazing. I love mineral shops with all their fascinating specimens and beautiful pieces of jewellery. I bought some donuts of polished crystal to wear on a lace around my neck, and a necklace made out of turquoise. Mum bought me a pair of opal earrings for my birthday, because I have always adored opals, they are immensely beautiful, and also very expensive. Once we had shopped ourselves out, we went back to St Helier on the bus and found a small pub to eat in. The food was good and the sun was warm, and there was a very cute seagull that kept coming over to say hello.


Henry
I took a picture of him and named him Henry. While we sat there a marching band appeared, practising for the battle of flowers parade. While mum went to take pictures of them, I had a conversation with the couple sitting next to us, and we had a bet on where the band came from, the lasiy’s husband said germany while her and I said france. It turned out that we were wrong and he was right, they were german. Ah well you can’t win them all.


We went back to the hotel soon after and watched some television until bedtime

Holiday...Tuesday

Elizabeth Castle

We rose quite early (for me at least) and went down for breakfast. I had cereal and fruit juice, but mum had the full hit, cereal and juice and then bacon and egg and toast. Then we went back to the room to decide what to do from the leaflets we had picked up in the hotel lobby and in various places in St Helier on Monday.
Elizabeth Castle sounded interesting, and there was a deal where we could get a ‘puddle duck’ over to the castle which was situated on a rocky outcrop in the middle of the bay, have a free lunch while we were there, and then a ‘puddle duck’ back. We went and bought our tickets and walked along the sea front until we reached the departure point. The sun was beating down by this time, hot and bright, but we thought nothing of it.



A puddle Duck

The ‘puddle ducks’ are yellow and blue amphibious craft, built for land and sea, so that when the tide is in, they can ferry people across to the castle, and when the tide is out, they can drive across the muddy causeway carrying those people who are too lazy to walk. The voyage over was fun, and when we got to the castle we began to explore. Around midday, there is a mini ‘play’ where a gentleman dressed in 17th century soldier uniform gives a history of the castle and how it has been used and added to over the centuries by generations of soldiers and armies. He was very interesting and entertaining, and then at the end of it, he did some audience participation by getting all the men to march in formation to the canon, which he explained about and then fired, making a bang that could be heard probably across the sea in France! The kind of bang that even with your fingers crammed forcefully into your ears, you can still hear, and it makes your whole body vibrate as it forces its way up through the ground and into your feet.



We spent the whole day at the Castle, originally we were going to leave after the gun and go elsewhere, but we decided that there was so much to see that we’d stay, and we went all the way to the top, and all the way to the far end of the breakwater and up to the top of the hermitage where Helier (later to become a Saint) spent the last of his years before being killed by Vikings.
When we got back to St Helier we decided to return to the hotel and change before finding somewhere to eat. When we did find somewhere to sit down and order food, we waited nearly an hour for it to arrive. When it came it was lovely, but we were sitting outside and the wind was chilly. The hotel when we got back was warm and welcoming.

Holiday...Monday

St Helier

I was filled with nervous apprehension as we drove to the airport. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking and Mum kept asking if I was ok, which didn’t help. I was trying not to think about it. We bought lunch when we got there which cost an extortionate amount of money for two packets of sandwiches and two drinks. And then all too soon it was time to board the plane. I have to say I was terrified sitting there waiting for it to start moving, but when it did, and I felt the g-forces as the winged hunk of metal built up speed, I found a big grin spreading across my face, and as the boeing 737 lurched and wobbled it’s way into it’s unnatural position above the ground, I truly felt the exhilaration of flight. I never realised just quite how beautiful it would be…watching the land flow by beneath us, seeing clouds at eye level like floaty balls of cotton wool, and then below us like legless, headless fluffy sheep. And then we passed out over the sea, and it was so blue and green, shadows floating beneath the surface like enormous sea monsters, the waves making the ocean look like a piece of crushed, blue-green satin carelessly tossed to the ground.
And then all too soon we were landing, the ground rushing up to meet us as we touched down safely in Jersey. We were taken to the hotel in a minibus, The Laurels was the name of the hotel and it was quiet and peaceful. The room was excessively pink, but comfortable. After unpacking we went for a walk to explore. We were staying not far from St Helier, about ten minutes walk, and we had to go through a tunnel, similar to the Mersey Tunnel, but shorter and nicer. When we reached St Helier town centre we found a small fish and chip restaurant, Hectors Fish and Chips, that served the best fish platter that I had ever seen or tasted…small battered fillets of cod and haddock, nuggets of scampi and king prawns in filo pastry with delicious chunky chips and salad. It was heavenly, and mum couldn’t quite believe that I ate the entire thing!
After eating we strolled gently down to the harbour and bought an ice cream, mine was strawberry and cream, and pineapple and coconut, cos I was being a pig and went for a double cone. It took us a long while to get back to the hotel, because we went the long way round, taking our time and taking in some of the sights of the bay and St Helier.
We slept well that night, exhausted by our travels and the fresh sea air.

The Last Day

My last shift at Co-op. I got some chocolates and a card. And some hugs off various people. It went ok, but I am a bit sad about it, the staff there are lovely, and I will miss them, even the boss, strange as that may seem. I am going to get Joan a piece of rock from Jersey, because it's tradition, I will take it in when I go and take my uniform back.
Apart from that I'm missing Pete. We had a large falling out on thursday, and he hasn't spoken to me since. I don't know what to do for the best.
I go on holiday to jersey tomorrow, maybe a week away will do me good, maybe things will seem clearer when I come back. I am apprehensive about the flight tho, and the airport...I started getting a bit panicky in Liverpool yesterday and I'm really not good in places I don't know...I'll just have to try and stay calm and bear it.

Waking up

I wake up, I get up. I don't want to, but habit forces me to put on a brave face and make the most of it. I go to work. I smile and joke and do my job as best I can, but all the while I feel like smashing everything around me, throwing down my pen and crying. I eat lunch. I hate lunch, I don't want to eat I want to curl up and go to sleep, forget about the world. I leave work, I go home, I take off my clothes and hang them up, I fall onto the bed and I close my eyes, fighting exhaustion and the tears that prick my eyes. I sleep. I wake when I am called for tea, and hour maybe later. I eat, I don't want to but I do anyway, no sense starving. I watch TV, some pointless program I can't recall. I go online. I talk to a friend on there, and for the first time in the day I feel better, happier, more alive. I get tired, I go to bed, I take my pill, my insulin, my other pill. I lie awake until finally I close my eyes and sleep.
I wake up. I don't want to but I do. Habit forces me to try and live my life as best I can. I want to hide away. But stubbornness makes me fight.

End of the week

It the end of my first week. My head is crammed with random information that people keep throwing at me. The job is going ok I guess, still trying to sort out the computers so that I can learn properly.
Holiday in 3 days time.
Last shift at the co op on sunday.
The rest of my life is none existant or turned to shit

First day nerves

Soooo. It wasn't bad. I'll let you know what the job is like when I actually get to it, today and tomorrow are induction training, basically health and safety, security, union rep meeting and rules and regulations. And believe me there is a lot of info to take in. Most of it is common sense, but there are a few things to learn about, and then on wednesday I get to go to a different building altogether, meet a lot more new people, and actually do some job training.
I am enjoying it so far tho...it's certainly different!