Misery and the Chocolate factory

I have been a bit down. Well very down. Since friday night, when I started getting panic attacks again, one in a bar on Lark lane, and another one in the Krazy house while I was a bit drunk and pete had left me on my own. So I left, just walked out which is what caused the problems. But yesterday I din't feel much better, even shopping didn't help, and today was just a nightmare. I finally got the reading off my brother that I am supposed to be doing for his wedding in 3 weeks time, and it means that I can't pretend its not happening anymore. Not the wedding, thats not a problem,just the fact that I'm gonna have to stand up in front of a church full of people and read a passage from the bible. The thought of reading anything infront of anyone sends me into panic, let alone in church where I feel bloody uncomfortable anyway being an atheist and everything, I just feel kinda hypocritical being in a religious building, and having to read a passage from a religious book that I don't believe in is just going to put more pressure on me which I don't need because I'm really fragile and crazy at the moment.
So when my mum came back from being at church with my brother and Cariline and told me that he'd given her the reading, I went upstairs, had a mild panic attack and cried for an hour. I really don't think I can do it, but I have t because I don't want to let my brother down on the most important day of his life.
Then I went to see Charlie and the chocolate factory and was scared by Johnny Depp and his freaky michael Jacksonesque Willy Wonker. And scary sqirrels...were there squirrels in te original? I don't remember there being any...