Weddings
My cousin is getting married. Next month in Liverpool. It looks like it's going to be another family do that I'll have to go to on my own again, because Pete has probably got other arrangements with a friend of his. Thing is I'm kinda dreading it, because if Pete doesn't come with me, I'm going to be the only one from our side of the family not part of a couple, and I hate weddings generally at the best of times, I'll have to sit there and field barbed questions about ' you haven't got your boyfriend with you then?' and pitying looks from people who think I'm single, and possibly even trying to fend of desperate men who think a wedding is the best place to pull. Fuck, I'll probably even end up dancing with my Mum.
The more I think about it, the less I want to go, but I know I should, I haven't seen my cousin for years, and we used to get on really well. It would be nice to see her happy instead of the nervous gibbering wreck she has been around her dad, who chipped away at her self confidence since she was tiny until she had none whatsoever. So yes, I'll go to the wedding, if only to offer my support and congratulations.
I will probably spend most of it sitting in the corner feeling uncomfortable tho.
4 Comments:
Hey, don't understand why you are being so pessamistic on this- why should it matter if you go alone? You know you have pete- and you should be able to have fun without him. Why would you hte weddings? I know we have a difference of opinion on this, but some people actually get married out of love and security and commitment. You should be happy for your cousin. If you feel bad on the day my advice would be don't go- if you can't be there and be 100% happy for her, I don't think you'd be doing her any favors.
Sorry if that sounded like I was having a go... I guess I was. I know you have a lot of shit in your head that you need to work through, but you have to WANT to be happy and WANT to get better, but sometimes it sounds like you don't-like this post.. assuming how terrible it'll all be before you even try and make it good. I'm sorry, but I don't think being a martyr to your depression will help you beat it. You hav to fight it.
Ok, first point, I never said I wasn't happy for her, I am very happy for Heather, she's had a rough time and I'm glad she's found someone who makes her happy. Just because I'm not into the whole marriage thing myself doesn't mean I'm not happy for other people when they do. Generally I hate weddings because I feel like a hypocrite going into churches when I don't believe in God, (even more so when going in for a confirmation), and probably a little touch of jealousy too, even though I don't want to marry, and can't eve see myself getting married theres a bit of me that says..yeah but wouldn't it be nice to be the centre of attention for one day and to be made to feel special and stuff...that there might be something special I am missing out on...weddings just make me feel uncomfortable.
On the depression side I am a lot better, but I have bad days when everything just seems a bit pointless, and I get scared by stupid stuff, I don't particularly like being in starnge places with lots of people I don't know, but then I did ok on friday night at a strange club, so perhaps the wedding will be ok too. Will have to wait and see.
And if you seriously think I'm not fighting, and that I don't want to get better and be happy, you don't know me as well as I thought you did hun. Now I'm kinda pissed off so I'll stop before I say something I don't mean.
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