I wrote another post last night after I had finished the first one about bank holiday monday. Unfortunately it wouldn't post straight away, and when I looked on the edit post page it was there, seemingly saved ready to post at a later date. Except today it's disappeared. I'm really annoyed. The post was about a person that I met several years ago... It's probably about 3 or four years ago now, I got talking to a girl on the internet. We go on really well, and found out that we lived quite close to one another. We decided to meet up (after talking for about 3 hours in total, that day) that afternoon. It was stupid, I know that, I didn't know this girl, she didn't know me, but we met up in liverpool. She was lovely, we talked some more, learned a bit about eachother and decided that we fancied eachother enough to try out a relationship. It was my first gay relationship, and hers too, we were both very nervous and unsure. We went out a couple of times, and after four days she told me she loved me and that she couldn't live without me. I'm sorry to say I reacted very badly to this revelation. I panicked, and that night I ended it (by text message, it was a dreadful and insensitive and horrible thing to do, my only defence was that I was a little frightened and insecure myself, but that is no excuse). We talked by text for a couple of days after that, Me, trying to explain how I felt; Her, full of recriminations and pleas. The last text she sent me said 'I don't want to hurt anymore, I'm going away to a place where no one can ever hurt me again'. I don't know what you think about that, but to me it sounded like a suicide threat. It frightened me badly, I may not have loved this girl, but I didn't want her to be so miserable as to be contemplating suicide, because of me. I texted her, I rang her, but got no reply to either. I didn't know her surname or where she lived, and I only had a mobile number for her. I had no way of finding her to make sure she was ok. I didn't hear from her again. Over the years I still thought about her, wondering what had happened to her, if she really was suicidal that night or if she was just trying to get some kind of revenge on me for treating her so badly. And I did treat her badly, I'm ashamed of it.
Anyway, the reason I wrote about this episode in my life last night was because, out of the blue I got an email from her. She said hi, and that she didn't know if I would remember her, but we went out a few times a while ago and that she'd like to get back in contact with me if I wanted to.
It made me extremely angry. Relieved that she's ok of course but angry that for the last three years or so she has let me believe that she might be dead. I suppose I might have overreacted or misunderstood the meaning of the message. I realise it sounds a little self centred too, 'she has let me believe'...sounds like I think she's been thinking about me constantly for the last few years and enjoying her little revenge...I don't think that really. It is kinda petty to be thinking shit like that. If I'm really honest I don't even think that it was revenge, just a cry for some affection and attention from a girl who was still confused about her place in life. I suppose she may not have even realised what I was thinking when she sent me that message. I don't know. I have calmed down a lot now and curiosity has taken over. I don't know if it is a sensible idea to email her back or not. I'm tempted, but I really don't know what to say to her, and it might create an awkward situation if she is still the same as she was, clingy and needy and needing help and affection that I just couldn't provide at that point in time. I have grown up a lot in the last few years, I reckon she probably has too, I just don't know if I have the nerve to find out.
