The Big C

My Aunty is dying.
There, I've said it.
She had her scan and tests and stuff, and when she got he results it shows that the cancer is no better, possibly a bit worse, so she's decided to stop the chemotherapy and enjoy what life she has left instead of opting for more chemo and being miserable and sick for a few months longer.

I understand where she's coming from. I'd probably make the same decision. What is the point in prolonging life when there is no quality of life or joy in it, when every moment is a painful and harrowing experience... it's not good for you, and it's not good for the people who love you.

I only found out few hours ago, and I don't think it's really sinking in yet. I can't imagine how my Aunt and Uncle are feeling right now, although they have been living with this decision for a while now... it was discussed and decided a long time ago when the cancer came back so I suppose to a certain extent it's een accepted. I personally have been living in minor denial... it was never going to happen. And now it's happening, and I feel kinda lost and hopeless. I've had a bit of a cry, then rang Gary, who didn't answer as usual... guess it's not his fault... there's more important things in his life now than me. I thought about finishing my letter to S, abut I decided to bury myself in some coursework instead.

Probably gonna go away and have another cry now. Doesn't make me feel any better, but I can't seem to stop.