Stupidity

Sometimes I feel so fucking stupid.

There are three men in my life who are utter pains in the arse.

One I have a crush on, which for various reasons is a REALLY FUCKING BAD idea.

One s the most stubborn, judgmental, opinionated, uncompromising, annoying man in the whole world.

And the other I love to pieces, but I just don't get what goes on in his head!

I surround myself with men, cos really, I don't generally get on with women... makes it kind of difficult to be a lesbian/bi-sexual or whatever the fuck I am. There are women I do get on with of course, just generally I get on better with men. And men fuck with my head, so where does that leave me? Except alone...

Mother's Day

Yeah, so I got her a ton of chocolate from Thorntons... She did her usual trick of complaining about it, becuase 'it's bad for her'... it's not like she doesn't stuff her face with bisciuts and cakes all day tho, so a few little bars of chocolate aren't going to do much more harm.
I swear to God, they are both as bad as each other... My dad has high cholesterol, so he eats continuously, mainly fried food and biscuits, and my mum was told she was heading for borderline diabetes a few years back so all she eats is biscuits and the chocolate bars she thinks we don't know about that she's hidden under the tea towels in the drawer.

It's no wonder I had a self destructive food fest a few years back!

And now my mum is worried that Jennifer is going to be fat. Well mother, you feed my brother every time he comes round, you try and force food on me at every opportunity, you try and give Caroline food when she comes round...I dread to think what you're gonna do to that baby when she's old enough to eat normal food!

The Big C

My Aunty is dying.
There, I've said it.
She had her scan and tests and stuff, and when she got he results it shows that the cancer is no better, possibly a bit worse, so she's decided to stop the chemotherapy and enjoy what life she has left instead of opting for more chemo and being miserable and sick for a few months longer.

I understand where she's coming from. I'd probably make the same decision. What is the point in prolonging life when there is no quality of life or joy in it, when every moment is a painful and harrowing experience... it's not good for you, and it's not good for the people who love you.

I only found out few hours ago, and I don't think it's really sinking in yet. I can't imagine how my Aunt and Uncle are feeling right now, although they have been living with this decision for a while now... it was discussed and decided a long time ago when the cancer came back so I suppose to a certain extent it's een accepted. I personally have been living in minor denial... it was never going to happen. And now it's happening, and I feel kinda lost and hopeless. I've had a bit of a cry, then rang Gary, who didn't answer as usual... guess it's not his fault... there's more important things in his life now than me. I thought about finishing my letter to S, abut I decided to bury myself in some coursework instead.

Probably gonna go away and have another cry now. Doesn't make me feel any better, but I can't seem to stop.

Hmmm...

Is is weird that I find an emotionless, glowy, blue man with white eyes and a habit of walking around completely naked, strangely attractive? And is it even weirder that I wouldn't say no to a theesome with the aforementioned blue man and his latex-clad girlfriend?

I have now seen 'Watchmen' twice. I wasn't sure about it the first time round so I went to see it again, and have decided that I LOVE THIS FILM!
It's on a par with 'The Dark Knight', which was also a 'see it twice before you decide' kinda film. No all action, american-dream, goody-goody super heroes in this film... They're all fundamentally flawed and distressingly human lol. Except for Dr Manhatten and his extremely cute blue ass, not to mention his... um... ' "little" friend' (I mean come on... he wears underpants in a warzone, s why not in the lab???). Definately worth a watch tho if anyone is remotely intersted in comic book violence and the darker sides of being a superhero. If you're squeamish tho, be warned there's lots of blood splattery bits, a few nasty scenes, and one or two sex scenes. I think it's gonna be one of those love it or hate it films... I loved it...

And after getting info about the gym and buying a swim suit, I have had a bit of a bug, and haven't been up to going yet. I think I will wait til after I've finished my counselling coursework (due in a week on tuesday) cos I have a LOT to do...

Baby Steps

I made the first step to exercising today. Yes, I went to Primark and bought a swimming ostume. And not one of those daft stringy bikini things that wouldn't stay on for five minutes if you actually tried to swim in it either! No, this bunny means business! It's black (of course), and has all sorts of hidden panels and padded supporty bits to lift droopy boobs. Not that mine are droopy... they ain't big enough to droop anywhere! But the costume is ace... slightly old fashioned style... low cut leg, balconette style neck line... And it sucks me in, in all the right places and hides my lumpy bits... I'm loving it! Lol.

And I even went to the leisure centre to find out opening times and see about the gym there too! It's amazing... I'm so full of enthusiasm and energy at the moment... let's see how long this lasts...

6 Weeks

Yep, Six whole weeks without a Fag. I now feel as though I can moan at people for smoking, because it's bad for them lol.

Wrote another letter today... I like writing them. It makes me feel good. Unlike the pot belly I'm getting.

Need to start exercising or I'll turn into a blob.

Visiting

I wrote my letter. In fact, since my last post, I have written a couple. The last one being ten sides long!

And made my recording. Only got to do all of the written critiquing and stuff that goes wth it. Oh and an essay on relating to people.

Visited S. Was kinda scary at first, but it was great to see him. He's looking really well! Has not helped with the missing him tho. Was good to see him looking so well, and as happy as it's possible to be in there. He should have got my letter by now...

I have done five and a half, no nearly six weeks now without a cigarette!

Are you proud of me?