Doing my bit

I need to write a letter.
I haven't written one for a while, and I need to do it.
To be honest I haven't been myself, I haven't felt in the right frame of mind to write, but the pills are helping, and I think that I need to do this now.

The next few weeks are going to be busy, I have College assignment to work on, a dose of laser treatment on my eye, which apparently is growing a skin over the new lens which needs lasering off. That should be fun. Work is getting a bit stressful because of the new processes that the idiots in northern area are trying to implement, and the ridiculous targets they are setting. All I can say is 'Fuck off Biatch.' :::calm down now:::

Have organised o go see S, with his mum and sister in couple of weeks.

I'm getting there I think, but I need to not procrastinate when I begin to to my assignment... It is only 5 weeks til the deadline, and there is a lot to do.

Will be doing some recording on saturday tho, so that will give us some incentive to get our arses in gear.

Monsters

Life is full of monsters, and most of them are inside your own head. That is what I've come to realise. I mean last night I was woken up by a really strange huffing noise like sme kind of weird snuffly animal was in my room, but it must have ben a dream cos when I turned the light on there was nothing there. And ok it COULD have been a mouse, but I'm damned sure mice don't make noises like big snuffly bears.

Monsters make you ill. Like the stress monster that's giving Mike IBS, or the fear monster that means I sem to be losing my confidence and making me start to doubt my ablities. Sometimes I think that I'm surrounded by monsters, I can feel them pressing in on me (metaphorically...'m not nuts) adn weighing me down. They have teeth and claws and they are trying to consume me. And other times I'm almost free of them and I can fly.

Of course it's all relative, and entirely dependant on my thought process and how good r bad a day I'm having.

I really should write to S. I don't know if he wants me to tho... but maybe that's just the paranoia monster nipping at my brain.

I miss him. S, not the paranoia monster... she's a bitch.

Talking

Don't know why I bother trying to talk to my mother about anything.
She seems incapable of listening to anything I say. Everything is about her trivial, daily non-adventures.

I tried to tell her about getting Zoomtext. I tried to talk to her about what's going on in my life. I tried to tell her about my depression.

But I couldn't get a word in edgewise for her waffling about how she's got to baby-sit, how she has to go to the Mission tomorrow morning, and how she's going to have such a busy fracking day. I start to speak, and she just talks over me like I don't exist, or I don't matter.

I need to get out of this house.

Zooming

So. I bought Zoomtext. It cost more tan the damned laptop, but I think it's worth it. After all I am using it pretty much every day, and the non cracked legal copy works so much better than the cracked demo copy I had. Zoomtext is the best magnifying software around... and it makes my laptop sound like the Star Trek computer... or Majel Barrett (Roddenberry) who died fairly recently. As did David Gemmell I was gutted to find out... no more Drenai novels, or oddball sci-fi fantasy books.

Anyway I'm getting side tracked... I got myself Zoomtext, and a rather groovy trackball mouse. And I managed to install them both without help from a man! See who needs men anyway?

Still no luck finding a nice woman to date, just about given up on that score, but after seeing 'He's just not that into you' today, I realise that it's just not in the nature of lonely people to give up hope that easily, even when we've been crushed and battered and had our hearts torn to shreds time and time again. I really need to stop going to see romantic comedy girly flicks. They are soul destroyingly depressing when you're on your own and everyone around you appears to be getting married or having babies or in relationships.

And next Saturday is the anniversary of my nan dying. Which means that not only will I not have anyone to spend Valentines day with, but I shall probably end up spending some time in Landican Cemetery. I need to get something to leave for her. Something that will last... She has had garden ornaments the last couple of years... think she would like them.

And finally, I'm not allowed to drink alcohol for a while as I'm back on the happy pills. Hopefully not for long. I've just been struggling to cope with everything that's going on at the moment. Despite the fact that people around me see a cheerful, strong person, I'm an emotional wreck. And frankly, I don't want to get back to that bad place in my life again where I was self harming and distressing everyone around me. So I was pro-active and went to see the doctor. He was very nice, understanding, and gave me a proscription for Dothiepin which I have had before and they seemed to work quite well. They are a low dose, quite mild, and more to help me sleep than anything else. Hopefully these, and a couple of counselling sessions will help to put things into perspective a little better.

And sometime soon I need to write a letter to S, I promised I'd write every week, but last week it was just too hard. The one person I could really do with talking to about this... well, he doesn't answer his phone, and never calls me back, s I kinda feel like I'm on my own.

And I'm gonna stop now before my thoughts get too negative. Positivity is the key... I'm still working on that...