Goddammit

I managed to miss my 2nd anniversary of writing this blog.
2 years of blogger. It doesn't seem that long.
That also means it's about 2 years since that day that m and Pete walked for hours in the sun and had a really lovley day together.
How times change. Now we can't even stand to be in the same area as one another, let alone the same room.
It makes me sad sometimes the way things turn out, but I have tried my best...there's no use trying to build bridges to nowhere.
I still have stuff to pick up which I will have to do this week. As Pete is living with Phil it makes things a little easier, it means I can contact hil about it and not have to speak to Pete and get a load of abuse everythime I do. Apparently my stuff is boxed up, and he doesn't want to be there when I go to get it. Thats fine by me, I don't particulalrly enjoy being made to feel like an evil, nasty bitch.
I'm wondering why he didn't put it all in the ruck sack that he has of mine tho. I don't think he had that much stuff...either that or he's trying to keep hold of the bag, in which case he can fuck right off because my dad bought me that bag, and I need it. And if he's fucked it, he can bloody well buy me a new one.
Anyway I'm probably being a little uncharitable there, I'll wait and see first before I kill him.
Oh God...I bet he's packed the inflatable darlek, which I hate with a passion...it has to have been the most ridiculous present ever...I mean where am I supposed to put a four foot inflatable darlek????
Tell you where...EBAY.

X-Men III, Elton John and other stuff

X-Men III...well it's going to be one of those love it or hate it films I think. I liked it, Gary didn't. Other than that well I don't want to give too much away, but the beast is fantastic, Archangel is cool, and as for The Phoenix....well Famke Janssen has to be one of the sexiest women alive. Anyone who disagrees...take a look at the Phoenix.
And you have to watch right to the end of the credits.

And then Elton John.
Have to say he's getting old, and he can't do certain songs anymore, and really shouldn't try (sacrifice for one), but he's still fantastic.
Had me in tears three times during the show, once with Baby you're the one, once with Your song, and then again with Don't let the sun go down on me.
What can I say, I'm in a fragile state of mind at the moment.

Oh, and I've decided to start my own on line alternative clothing company.
Still at the research and development stage at the moment, but I'm intending to get it set up and trading hopefully within 12 months. I have a name and a few ideas, all I need now is funding, a logo, some stock, a website, more ideas, some help, some advertising, some customers..............

Green

So many missed opportunities.
The world passes you by
And you're left with nothing
But the memories
And the knowledge of what you could have been.
And you're left in the cold
Trying to pick up
Just where you left off.
But the time has passed on.
It's too late to hold on
To the things that you lost.
And you're left in the rain
With your hands full of mud
Trying to build dreams from shit.

The Da Vinci Code

So, I'm reading the Da Vinci Code.
I was attempting to read it by tonight as the film comes out at midnight.
I think I will go see the film anyway so I can find out wat happens without actually having to read the rest of the book.
Don't get me wrong the story is great.
The writing style is not.
It is predictable, so much so that I know whats going to happen 5 pages before it actually does.
I hate the way he leaves enormous clues in the book so that all but the terminally stupid can work out what happens next...I like to be surprised. No danger of that with this book.
Anyway, rant over, I have to go soon, as Gary is picking me up.

Endings

So it seems I'm single again.
And I know one person who will be ecstatic about that fact, but he is a cunt who has been wishing me ill for the past six months or so, so I don't really care what he thinks.
The fact is that things sometimes happen in life that you can't control orchange. Emotions and problems sometimes get in the way of what you really want or what you really need. And that is basically what happened. There is just too much pain and too many difficulties at the moment for either of us to give a decent amount of time and stability and effort to our relationship. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a bastard tho, even if we both agre that at this point in time it is the right thing to do.
Even so, I still believe I will marry him one day, and probably have children with him, tho that depends on my health. Just not right now.
He's still going to teach me to play Bass, and we're still amazingly close friends. We are going camping together this weekend, and then to see Eltom John at the end of may and then Bon Jovi in june and then Download....lots of amazing things to look forward to.
On a related note, I found God.
I have never been a believer, or at least I have never thought I was a believer, mainly because organised religion is a load of crap full of beaurocracy, and hypocrisy and frighteningly archaic ideas. Organised religion causes too much pain and anger and war in the world, and I always believed that God, if he existed wouldn't want that kind of religion being his representative. And so I always told myself that I didn't believe.
So what changed?
Budlea and Gary.
Gary has a quiet faith built from his time with the witnesses. His bible study for years has proved for him the existance of God. He has never tried to convince me that God exists, or preached to me, but he does occasionally talk about parts of the bible and bits f why he knows God exists. It makes you think.
And then on saturday I was walking in west kirby, and the Budlea bushes in peoples gardens hung over the walls as I walked. For those who don't know, budlea are large bushes with big flowers made of lots of tiny florets. They come in various shades from almost white, through ponk and blue to a beautiful dark purple, and they smell divine.
As I walked, I looked at them, and I wondered how something so perfect could possibly have evolved. How if evolution was true, why were there so many different varieties of flower...surely one variety would be much more suited to survival, and then survival of the fittest would kick in. But there is not one type of flower, and there is not one type of tree, and there isn't one type of mammal and one type of bird, and everything hasn't evolved into one type of super being that can survive in any circumstance.
Brightly coloured petals are beautiful, but what other purpose does the colour serve? And why are many of the colours we see around us, greens and blues, colours that have a calming effect on the human mind? The world, like a house or a car, is designed, each piece has a purpose and a function, and it can't simply be due to random evolutionary changes. It seems inconceivable that something so unlikely could happen.
In my mind that is the only explaination I need. The fact that the world is so perfectly formed and so perfectly functional suggests to me that it was designed, and it was created. And that God is our designer and our creator.
I do believe in God. But don't ever ask me to believe in organised religion.