The Headfuck Continues

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I shouldn't be this upset over a name.
Lets face it, the conversation was stupid anyway, we both knew at the time that the conversation happened that we, as a couple, were never gonna have kids together.
So why the hell am I so upset over this?
Perhaps because it was a dream, a fantasy that was just for me? Perhaps because he was the first and is the only man I have ever wanted to have kids with?
Perhaps because this feels like he's shoving it in my face that I'm probably never going to have kids, let alone with him, and rubbing my nose in it that he's happily getting on with his life while I'm slowly mouldering away in my pit, and as much as I like to dream that there's someone nice out there for me that isn't going to fuck me over, who the fuck am I kidding? No-one is gonna want a damn near useless freak like me no matter how caring, loyal or loving I might be, cos no fucker will take the time to find out who I am and how 'wonderful' I am. Apparently no-one can see (hah) past the disability.

Well fuck you all (except obviously those who care... you know who you are and thank you all).

I'm sick of being walke on, I'm sick of being treated like a fucking pariah, I'm sick of having my heart broken left right and centre by people who say they love me... My dreams may have been shattered, but I clung on to the memory of a dream an now even that has been taken away from me.

Thank you for breaking my heart yet again.

PARTAY!

How drunk was I last night?
The answer is very very drunk... 1.5litres of Lambrini, and a good ol portion of a bottle of mint Baileys, plus a big cup of weird blue/green cocktail from the cocktail fountain (and a hash cake) will o funny things to you... I think I might have fallen in love, got really upset, and furiously angry... I vaguely remember tiny bits of the evening... fuzzy faces and fragments of conversations, but not a hell of a lot.

I also went to see Sam with Hab, which was fun... Sam's looking good, seems happy and stuff, and Hab's on good form as usual with his smutty sense of humour! Was good to see them both, and hopefully will be able to get up to see Sam again with Hab sometime fairly soon.

I may have done something I'm going to regret last night... I'm still feeling hurt, betreayed, and so fucking angry I can't express it right now tho... Twisted up inside an wondering what the hell happened, and what I did to deserve being lied to... Can't think about it right now tho. I need to calm down a bit first... That coul take a long time... Just thinking about it is winding me up, so I'm gonna have to leave this and try and walk away... It obviously wasn't a big deal to him, it was to me. So yeah, it was a stupid conversation, that conversation about in a perfect world if we ever had kids... something that was never going to happen, not in a million years, I knew that, but if it had she would have been ours! Our little EMO heh. Except I can't think about that now, I can't think straight to be fair I'm so angry, and I don't know which is worse, the fact that he either forgot, or didn't care, or it idn't mean anything to him, or the fact he lied to me.

Fuck it, I'm walking away from this before I get too wound up about it again.... Can't work through this one just yet, not with myself and certainly not with him.