Still grumpy, but no headache

  I'm not happy tonight.  I'm not sure why, I just feel miserable and irritable and fed up with everything.  It's like I can't see where I'm going anymore, and I don't know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing or anything.  I want to hide for a while and forget about the world, but tha's not an option, I've done that before, and it just makes me worse.  A few years ago I made myself almost agoraphobic with depression, I didn't want to leave the house, and when I did I had panic attacks and could barely walk to the shops down the road without flinching when someone walked past me.  It got to the point where I had to put my foot down and force myself to go out of the front door, to walk to the bus stop, to get on the bus.  I only managed it by listening to my discman on full blast.  It was like walking around in a little coccoon of, well, Linkin Park and Nickelback of all things, surrounded by the music I felt safe, and gradually I started to pull myself out of it.  I was still miserable, but at least I could go out of the front door without having a panic attack.
  That's all in the past now though, and I'm no where near as bad at the moment as I was then.  I do have a tendency to shut myself away and try to block out the world though.  Now I know how bad I can get, I won't let myself get that bad again.  There are worse things than agoraphobia, and I've done some of them, sometimes, when I've hated myself in the past.  I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again, but the thing about promises like that are that when you promise, you're not in the same frame of mind as you are when you're doing it.  I just realised that I haven't said what 'it' is.  'It' is self harm.  Not to a huge extent, but it's still not healthy.  When I get to that stage, it's like there's two of me, Sane Kate and Crazy Kate (and even sane Kate isn't that sane, but crazy Kate is terrifying- She scares me anyway).  I haven't been that bad for a while now.  Even when I was down the last time, I wasn't that bad, and the herbal happy pills seem to be working ok.  I didn't intend to write about this tonight, but my fingers seem to have developed a mind of their own.  I'm in two minds whether to even post this or not.  It seems a little self indulgent, and attention seeking.  It's not intended to be.

I appear to have found my muse aswell.

I am closed,
Mourning for the birth of doubt,
And the death of a dream.
Thoughts move like Icebergs,
Creeping in the fridgid waters of my mind,
And molten tears slip from tired eyes.
I am lost,
Not knowing where to turn,
Or who to trust.
Friends seem like strangers,
Strangers like deadly enemies,
And fear holds me as they circle.
I am dead,
Waiting for the night to claim me
And the stars to fade.
But from the east comes dawn,
A bright glow bringing peace
And hope, to give another day.