Kate's Life

So very tired

2010-06-20T21:24:00.000+01:00

Not helped by the cold I've picked up.. either the second one in just over a week or the same one re-raising it's ugly head. My eyes are aching and my nose is snuffly, and my throat feelslike I've been swallowing razor blades. I do not like these new pills 'm on either. Citalopram. They are making me super spacey, and while they are having the desired effect of knocking me out at night, they are making me drowsy and fuggy during the day and sapping my energy and will to do anything.

On a happier note I went to watch Matt spinning and Breathing fire at Revolver last night. Was awesome. He's so damned sexy when he's performing, I love watching him spin. Beka was quite good too, and Kyle is amazing with his fire Poi. I really am gonna have to start practising more...

Tick Tock

2010-06-17T23:22:00.000+01:00

I have not been out today.

I have barely set foot outside my room except to pee and for at most an hour when I went downstairs to get something to eat. I had Quorn and gruyere escalopes and some tomato and basil bread with garlic cheese on. I ate about two rounds of the bread (about 1 slice of normal sized bread) and one of the escalopes. Wasn't really hungry.

Spent the last couple of hours lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and feeling sick and bloated.

Don't eally want to get up tomorrow either. All seems a little pointless, got nothing to get up for, nothing to do except watch the DVDs people have lent me and play Poker on Facebook. I know I should get up and go out and do stuff, but I really don't feel like I can.

Mad Auntie Kate

2010-06-16T23:13:00.000+01:00

That's how they refer to me in my family. The mad Auntie with her crazy Goth clothes and her piercings and stretchings and rapid colour-change hair. It's a wonder my niece comes near me at all. In fact I'm surprised they don't use me as a threat to make her do stuff... 'Eat your veg or your mad Auntie Kate will come to get you'.

It was Jennifer's birthday today. She is two. And a very cute and good two year old she is. Spoilt rotten with toys and presents, but still well behaved in a cheeky two year old sort of way. We had fun playing in the sandpit that Mum and Dad gt her, then had party food and cake. I'm not convinced giving a two year old cake for supper is the best idea in the world... the sugar high she'll be on for most of the night is not gonna be good. I guess they know what they are doing tho.

I went to see the doctor this morning. Aside from the wobbly few days at download I'd been ok. Started feeling a bit twitchy yesterday, but went round to see Matt, and settled down. Thought it might just be the fact that I had a cold and wasn't feeling 100%. Woke up feeling a bit shaky and a bit emotional, left Matt in bed with a kiss and got a taxi to the doctor's. Started freaking out slightly in the waiting room, and by the time I'd got in to see Dr Perkins, I was having a minor panic attack. She ran through all the usual questions... Had I self harmed? Had I thought about self harming? Did I want to go for counselling? How did I feel now? Was I still going to work? I hadn't been for 5 days of course. 'd been at Download. I told her that, and she avoided asking the obvious question about recreational drugs, which considering I'd been at a festival, and considering what about 50% of festival goers get up to at festivals, I thought was a little lax maybe... My Dad asked the question... Well what he said was 'Have you been taking anything you shouldn't be taking?' To which I replied 'No'. Anyway, Dr Perkins said I was obviously not in a fit state to go to work and did I want to be signed off. At this point I couldn't think to save my life, I was tired and upset and panicky, so she made the decision for me. She signed me off for a week to see how I went, gave me a prescription for new pills and told me to come back and see her in a week. So I'm going to see her on Monday, which is less than a week. I might see if I can get an appointment for Tuesday or Wednesday as that will mean I've been taking the pills for one week. They probably won't have much of an effect on me by then, but you never know, I might feel better.

So it looks like they are right. I am Mad Auntie Kate after all.

Download 2010

2010-06-14T16:10:00.002+01:00

That was an interesting experience. RIP camping was awesome... showers, real toilets, our own private mini shop, free mobile charging, peace and quiet and room to maneuvre round the campsite. Shame the weather didn't hold up really. Wednesday was ok, a bit damp and rainy in the evening, thursday also a bit damp and overcast. Friday... I didn't see much of because I've picked up a cold and spen most of the day in bed, tho did get to the arena for a short while to see ACDC (or some of them anyway)... I believe it was quite sunny tho. Saturday was nice and sunny till about 8 when it got bit cold, but got to see a few bands... Rage Against The Machine were ace.
Sunday... well it was glorous upuntil about 4pm when it decided to piss down. Slash (and Friends - the guy from Alterbridge on vocals, and Lemy made an appearence too) were awesome... Sweet Child of Mine... holy crap, never heard it done so well. Billy Idol also rather impressive. Got cold and wet then tho so wen back to camp for a shower intendng to go back after warming up a bit. Got so warm and snuggly I fell asleep and didn't wake up til about 12am... had managed to sleep right through Aerosmith. Not impressed.

The weather had improved by the time we had to take our tents down this morning tho it was kinda windy... wish I'd had the foresight to get my video camera out and film four people struggling with and inflating wind-blown tent... it was quite hilarious.

Am all nice and clean now, had a shower and put washing in the machine.

I think all in all it was a good few days. I reckon it could have been better. but I think that's due to me and my stupid brain more than anything else... spent too much tme hiding in the tent and not enough time socialising. I'm sure I'll get there eventually. Is just taking too much time.

And I'm worried that, if I can't deal with Download, when I've been there four times with no issues, how am I oing to deal with Sonisphere?

Returned from the dead...

2010-06-08T02:36:00.002+01:00

I haven't really been dead, just missing in action, but it seems 'm back, tho God knows why. Maybe I just need to write stuff down where people can read itif they want to, rather than the random rants I've been having on Facebook that mean I kinda feel that I'm forcing my nutjobness onto people who are gonna get bored of me at some point.

Heh, forgot how much I liked blogging. Is Therapeutic.

Off to download on wednesday... Should be good for a laugh provided the knobrot doesn't try and make contact. We can but pray...

This has changed a tad

2010-06-08T02:30:00.000+01:00

Haven't been on here in a while... could barely remember my password!

Head or Heart?

2009-08-04T00:00:00.000+01:00

which would you choose?

The Headfuck Continues

2009-05-18T23:32:00.002+01:00

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I shouldn't be this upset over a name.
Lets face it, the conversation was stupid anyway, we both knew at the time that the conversation happened that we, as a couple, were never gonna have kids together.
So why the hell am I so upset over this?
Perhaps because it was a dream, a fantasy that was just for me? Perhaps because he was the first and is the only man I have ever wanted to have kids with?
Perhaps because this feels like he's shoving it in my face that I'm probably never going to have kids, let alone with him, and rubbing my nose in it that he's happily getting on with his life while I'm slowly mouldering away in my pit, and as much as I like to dream that there's someone nice out there for me that isn't going to fuck me over, who the fuck am I kidding? No-one is gonna want a damn near useless freak like me no matter how caring, loyal or loving I might be, cos no fucker will take the time to find out who I am and how 'wonderful' I am. Apparently no-one can see (hah) past the disability.

Well fuck you all (except obviously those who care... you know who you are and thank you all).

I'm sick of being walke on, I'm sick of being treated like a fucking pariah, I'm sick of having my heart broken left right and centre by people who say they love me... My dreams may have been shattered, but I clung on to the memory of a dream an now even that has been taken away from me.

Thank you for breaking my heart yet again.

PARTAY!

2009-05-17T21:17:00.002+01:00

How drunk was I last night?
The answer is very very drunk... 1.5litres of Lambrini, and a good ol portion of a bottle of mint Baileys, plus a big cup of weird blue/green cocktail from the cocktail fountain (and a hash cake) will o funny things to you... I think I might have fallen in love, got really upset, and furiously angry... I vaguely remember tiny bits of the evening... fuzzy faces and fragments of conversations, but not a hell of a lot.

I also went to see Sam with Hab, which was fun... Sam's looking good, seems happy and stuff, and Hab's on good form as usual with his smutty sense of humour! Was good to see them both, and hopefully will be able to get up to see Sam again with Hab sometime fairly soon.

I may have done something I'm going to regret last night... I'm still feeling hurt, betreayed, and so fucking angry I can't express it right now tho... Twisted up inside an wondering what the hell happened, and what I did to deserve being lied to... Can't think about it right now tho. I need to calm down a bit first... That coul take a long time... Just thinking about it is winding me up, so I'm gonna have to leave this and try and walk away... It obviously wasn't a big deal to him, it was to me. So yeah, it was a stupid conversation, that conversation about in a perfect world if we ever had kids... something that was never going to happen, not in a million years, I knew that, but if it had she would have been ours! Our little EMO heh. Except I can't think about that now, I can't think straight to be fair I'm so angry, and I don't know which is worse, the fact that he either forgot, or didn't care, or it idn't mean anything to him, or the fact he lied to me.

Fuck it, I'm walking away from this before I get too wound up about it again.... Can't work through this one just yet, not with myself and certainly not with him.

Witch Mountain

2009-04-14T23:12:00.002+01:00

Yeah, so Race to Witch Mountain is a prety decent Disney alien film, considering it IS a Disney Alien film. Ok so it's a bit predictable and stuff, but it's funny and 'The Rock' isn't bad as an actor, provided all he has to do is run around looking hard and protecting kids from the FBI. I actually started finding him attractive at one point too, which seems to continue my current theme of fancying chunky hunks of muscle who aren't rally all that attractive in the classical sense... I mean I've had a bit of a crush on Vin Diesel for a while now (tho this i the first time I've actually admitted it), while he's not the prettiest guy on the shelf, ther's something animalistially sexy about him... Specially when he's all sweaty and panting and a bt roughed up, and wearing one of those delightfully tigh white T-shirts he undoubtedly knows he looks good in... :::bites lip:::

I think I may have grown out of my fluffy teenage stage where I wanted cute, skinny, blue-eyed boys (like Rob Lowe or Brad Pitt) and now I just want someone, mad, bad and dirty who can and will protect me.

Of course, my top ten fantasy list is still mainly women, but Mr Diesel has definately edged himself in there, I think perhaps Mr Rock may do so as well if he does any more films like Witch Mountain. I'm thinking Jhnny Depp, who was my sole cocession to testosterone (albeit not particularly heavy with the stuff) on my list, will have to watch his back... Vin Diesel is coming up fast... Now there's a combination you'd never see... Vin Diesel and Johnny Depp in a film together...

I have to admit, Vin I liked quite a bit in Babylon AD, but to be fair, he had me at Pitch Black...
So my top ten now sands at:

1. Do I need to say? Angelina Jolie
2. Kate Beckinsale/Rhona Mitra (cos lets face it they are almost he same person anyway!)
3. Seven Of Nine (The character not the actress, Jeri Ryan is nowhere near as sexy without the Borg Implants!)
4. Nicole Kidman.
5. Johnny Depp
6. Vin Diesel
7. Michelle Rodriguez (Sexy and Hardass!)
8. Mira Furlan (From Babylon 5, and more recently LOST)
9. T'Pol (From Star Trek Enterprise - It's something about the ears I think...)
10. Jennifer Connelly (Despite the fact she was probably underage in Labyrinth, so was I so it's ok...)

So the top 4 are fairly secure, the others are moreinterchangeable depending on what mood I'm in, and what I've been watching recently... It's anyone's guess who'll be in the bottom six next week... There's been changes made while I've been sitting here thinking about it lol

Late

2009-04-11T01:05:00.002+01:00

Too late.
Not enough time,
To go back
And fix what was broken.

And It's all gone wrong.
Everything falls
Eventually.
And it plays out like this.

Dying inside
Because of a word
Because of a dream
That was lost

No more.

Call me When You're Sober

2009-04-05T23:23:00.002+01:00

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall? Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves.
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time
,And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,I
t's over.
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

Amy Lee - What more needs to be said?
One of the most gorgeous women in the world... and an amazing voice too. And a great song... played last night in the Kray... made me think about Pete for some reason... and Leigh. Fucking men lol

DVDmd.co.uk

2009-04-02T00:12:00.002+01:00

Do NOT try to buy from this site as it is a scam.
Bastards robbed me of £60 and sent me no DVDs. I have looked more deeply into it since and found that the site used to be DVDmd.tv, and is a scam. Should have checked throughly before buying I guess... Take my advice and check sites carefully before committing... this one really looked genuine, even had LloydsTSB clicksafe and Verified by Visa on it so... Well, I guess we live and learn don't we?

Now I need to go see my bank and see if there's any chance of getting my money back... somehow I doubt it.

Stupidity

2009-03-29T22:24:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I feel so fucking stupid.

There are three men in my life who are utter pains in the arse.

One I have a crush on, which for various reasons is a REALLY FUCKING BAD idea.

One s the most stubborn, judgmental, opinionated, uncompromising, annoying man in the whole world.

And the other I love to pieces, but I just don't get what goes on in his head!

I surround myself with men, cos really, I don't generally get on with women... makes it kind of difficult to be a lesbian/bi-sexual or whatever the fuck I am. There are women I do get on with of course, just generally I get on better with men. And men fuck with my head, so where does that leave me? Except alone...

Mother's Day

2009-03-23T01:06:00.002Z

Yeah, so I got her a ton of chocolate from Thorntons... She did her usual trick of complaining about it, becuase 'it's bad for her'... it's not like she doesn't stuff her face with bisciuts and cakes all day tho, so a few little bars of chocolate aren't going to do much more harm.
I swear to God, they are both as bad as each other... My dad has high cholesterol, so he eats continuously, mainly fried food and biscuits, and my mum was told she was heading for borderline diabetes a few years back so all she eats is biscuits and the chocolate bars she thinks we don't know about that she's hidden under the tea towels in the drawer.

It's no wonder I had a self destructive food fest a few years back!

And now my mum is worried that Jennifer is going to be fat. Well mother, you feed my brother every time he comes round, you try and force food on me at every opportunity, you try and give Caroline food when she comes round...I dread to think what you're gonna do to that baby when she's old enough to eat normal food!

The Big C

2009-03-19T23:19:00.002Z

My Aunty is dying.
There, I've said it.
She had her scan and tests and stuff, and when she got he results it shows that the cancer is no better, possibly a bit worse, so she's decided to stop the chemotherapy and enjoy what life she has left instead of opting for more chemo and being miserable and sick for a few months longer.

I understand where she's coming from. I'd probably make the same decision. What is the point in prolonging life when there is no quality of life or joy in it, when every moment is a painful and harrowing experience... it's not good for you, and it's not good for the people who love you.

I only found out few hours ago, and I don't think it's really sinking in yet. I can't imagine how my Aunt and Uncle are feeling right now, although they have been living with this decision for a while now... it was discussed and decided a long time ago when the cancer came back so I suppose to a certain extent it's een accepted. I personally have been living in minor denial... it was never going to happen. And now it's happening, and I feel kinda lost and hopeless. I've had a bit of a cry, then rang Gary, who didn't answer as usual... guess it's not his fault... there's more important things in his life now than me. I thought about finishing my letter to S, abut I decided to bury myself in some coursework instead.

Probably gonna go away and have another cry now. Doesn't make me feel any better, but I can't seem to stop.

Hmmm...

2009-03-16T00:25:00.002Z

Is is weird that I find an emotionless, glowy, blue man with white eyes and a habit of walking around completely naked, strangely attractive? And is it even weirder that I wouldn't say no to a theesome with the aforementioned blue man and his latex-clad girlfriend?

I have now seen 'Watchmen' twice. I wasn't sure about it the first time round so I went to see it again, and have decided that I LOVE THIS FILM!
It's on a par with 'The Dark Knight', which was also a 'see it twice before you decide' kinda film. No all action, american-dream, goody-goody super heroes in this film... They're all fundamentally flawed and distressingly human lol. Except for Dr Manhatten and his extremely cute blue ass, not to mention his... um... ' "little" friend' (I mean come on... he wears underpants in a warzone, s why not in the lab???). Definately worth a watch tho if anyone is remotely intersted in comic book violence and the darker sides of being a superhero. If you're squeamish tho, be warned there's lots of blood splattery bits, a few nasty scenes, and one or two sex scenes. I think it's gonna be one of those love it or hate it films... I loved it...

And after getting info about the gym and buying a swim suit, I have had a bit of a bug, and haven't been up to going yet. I think I will wait til after I've finished my counselling coursework (due in a week on tuesday) cos I have a LOT to do...

Baby Steps

2009-03-09T22:13:00.002Z

I made the first step to exercising today. Yes, I went to Primark and bought a swimming ostume. And not one of those daft stringy bikini things that wouldn't stay on for five minutes if you actually tried to swim in it either! No, this bunny means business! It's black (of course), and has all sorts of hidden panels and padded supporty bits to lift droopy boobs. Not that mine are droopy... they ain't big enough to droop anywhere! But the costume is ace... slightly old fashioned style... low cut leg, balconette style neck line... And it sucks me in, in all the right places and hides my lumpy bits... I'm loving it! Lol.

And I even went to the leisure centre to find out opening times and see about the gym there too! It's amazing... I'm so full of enthusiasm and energy at the moment... let's see how long this lasts...

6 Weeks

2009-03-07T23:00:00.002Z

Yep, Six whole weeks without a Fag. I now feel as though I can moan at people for smoking, because it's bad for them lol.

Wrote another letter today... I like writing them. It makes me feel good. Unlike the pot belly I'm getting.

Need to start exercising or I'll turn into a blob.

Visiting

2009-03-04T22:19:00.002Z

I wrote my letter. In fact, since my last post, I have written a couple. The last one being ten sides long!

And made my recording. Only got to do all of the written critiquing and stuff that goes wth it. Oh and an essay on relating to people.

Visited S. Was kinda scary at first, but it was great to see him. He's looking really well! Has not helped with the missing him tho. Was good to see him looking so well, and as happy as it's possible to be in there. He should have got my letter by now...

I have done five and a half, no nearly six weeks now without a cigarette!

Are you proud of me?

Doing my bit

2009-02-18T21:29:00.002Z

I need to write a letter.
I haven't written one for a while, and I need to do it.
To be honest I haven't been myself, I haven't felt in the right frame of mind to write, but the pills are helping, and I think that I need to do this now.

The next few weeks are going to be busy, I have College assignment to work on, a dose of laser treatment on my eye, which apparently is growing a skin over the new lens which needs lasering off. That should be fun. Work is getting a bit stressful because of the new processes that the idiots in northern area are trying to implement, and the ridiculous targets they are setting. All I can say is 'Fuck off Biatch.' :::calm down now:::

Have organised o go see S, with his mum and sister in couple of weeks.

I'm getting there I think, but I need to not procrastinate when I begin to to my assignment... It is only 5 weeks til the deadline, and there is a lot to do.

Will be doing some recording on saturday tho, so that will give us some incentive to get our arses in gear.

Monsters

2009-02-09T22:24:00.002Z

Life is full of monsters, and most of them are inside your own head. That is what I've come to realise. I mean last night I was woken up by a really strange huffing noise like sme kind of weird snuffly animal was in my room, but it must have ben a dream cos when I turned the light on there was nothing there. And ok it COULD have been a mouse, but I'm damned sure mice don't make noises like big snuffly bears.

Monsters make you ill. Like the stress monster that's giving Mike IBS, or the fear monster that means I sem to be losing my confidence and making me start to doubt my ablities. Sometimes I think that I'm surrounded by monsters, I can feel them pressing in on me (metaphorically...'m not nuts) adn weighing me down. They have teeth and claws and they are trying to consume me. And other times I'm almost free of them and I can fly.

Of course it's all relative, and entirely dependant on my thought process and how good r bad a day I'm having.

I really should write to S. I don't know if he wants me to tho... but maybe that's just the paranoia monster nipping at my brain.

I miss him. S, not the paranoia monster... she's a bitch.

Talking

2009-02-08T22:19:00.002Z

Don't know why I bother trying to talk to my mother about anything.
She seems incapable of listening to anything I say. Everything is about her trivial, daily non-adventures.

I tried to tell her about getting Zoomtext. I tried to talk to her about what's going on in my life. I tried to tell her about my depression.

But I couldn't get a word in edgewise for her waffling about how she's got to baby-sit, how she has to go to the Mission tomorrow morning, and how she's going to have such a busy fracking day. I start to speak, and she just talks over me like I don't exist, or I don't matter.

I need to get out of this house.

Zooming

2009-02-07T23:52:00.002Z

So. I bought Zoomtext. It cost more tan the damned laptop, but I think it's worth it. After all I am using it pretty much every day, and the non cracked legal copy works so much better than the cracked demo copy I had. Zoomtext is the best magnifying software around... and it makes my laptop sound like the Star Trek computer... or Majel Barrett (Roddenberry) who died fairly recently. As did David Gemmell I was gutted to find out... no more Drenai novels, or oddball sci-fi fantasy books.

Anyway I'm getting side tracked... I got myself Zoomtext, and a rather groovy trackball mouse. And I managed to install them both without help from a man! See who needs men anyway?

Still no luck finding a nice woman to date, just about given up on that score, but after seeing 'He's just not that into you' today, I realise that it's just not in the nature of lonely people to give up hope that easily, even when we've been crushed and battered and had our hearts torn to shreds time and time again. I really need to stop going to see romantic comedy girly flicks. They are soul destroyingly depressing when you're on your own and everyone around you appears to be getting married or having babies or in relationships.

And next Saturday is the anniversary of my nan dying. Which means that not only will I not have anyone to spend Valentines day with, but I shall probably end up spending some time in Landican Cemetery. I need to get something to leave for her. Something that will last... She has had garden ornaments the last couple of years... think she would like them.

And finally, I'm not allowed to drink alcohol for a while as I'm back on the happy pills. Hopefully not for long. I've just been struggling to cope with everything that's going on at the moment. Despite the fact that people around me see a cheerful, strong person, I'm an emotional wreck. And frankly, I don't want to get back to that bad place in my life again where I was self harming and distressing everyone around me. So I was pro-active and went to see the doctor. He was very nice, understanding, and gave me a proscription for Dothiepin which I have had before and they seemed to work quite well. They are a low dose, quite mild, and more to help me sleep than anything else. Hopefully these, and a couple of counselling sessions will help to put things into perspective a little better.

And sometime soon I need to write a letter to S, I promised I'd write every week, but last week it was just too hard. The one person I could really do with talking to about this... well, he doesn't answer his phone, and never calls me back, s I kinda feel like I'm on my own.

And I'm gonna stop now before my thoughts get too negative. Positivity is the key... I'm still working on that...

Long time gone

2009-01-27T20:28:00.002Z

It's been a while.
It feels longer tho, it's been a pretty heavy few weeks. Bad stuff has happened to people I care a lot about, and tha makes me sad, and angry, and I'm trying to be strong and practical and keep it together.

But it's damn near impossible at times.

This last week has been about the hardest so far. Trying to keep a smile on my face and take on the world so nobody else ha to. Not that I think they expect me to, I just do.

Fact is I miss him. It feels like I have a hole in my head and my heart where he used to fit quite snugly, and although I know that he'll be back, it still hurts like a bastard. He's one of my best friends, and I hope he knows that. I'm writing to him every week, trying to let him know that I care, and I'm thinking about him. And it doesn't matter how much I tell myself that I'm ok, and how well I seem to be coping on the outside, inside I'm falling apart, I'm overwhelmed sometimes by complete devastation, and I can't help but sob my heart out.

But I have to be strong. I need to appear self sufficient and organised and composed. I have to.

On top of all this I'm trying to move forward, trying to find someone nice to have a relationship with. I've come to realise that dating sites are probably the worst invention ever. Most of the girls don't even reply to my emails, andone girl I was getting along really well with stopped replying as soon as she found out I was visually impaired. I guess a disabled freak wasn't what she was looking for.

New year

2009-01-07T20:41:00.002Z

So yeah, hasn't been a great start to the year I must say, but hey it can only get better right?
I reckon, give it six months or so and it could pick up a bit.
On the up side, I had to go see my Personal Account Advisor at the bank the other day. Matt. He's... ok, so damned sexy! And friendly, tho I reckon it's his job to be friendly. But he likes sci fi so he can't be all bad lol.

Anyway, it's robably morally wrong to ask him out, him being a financial type person involved with my bank account, plus he's probably married or gay, but one can have fantasies cant one?

And I'm supposed to be off men anyway. Most of them are insensitive, selfish assholes ayway. Two fucking hours I waited for him in the pub, and the reason he didn't text to say he was going to be late was because he was 'cold on the train'.

Match?

2008-12-23T00:52:00.003Z

So, last ditch attempt. Six months bought and paid for on match.com, and then I give up.

Am I a fool?

Is it really possible to fall in love over the internet?

But then, as I never go out anywhere, and the men and woman I am actually attracted to in my life are major NO GO area's. I think the internet is my only option.

Then again, maybe I'm meant to be on my own... put my energy into something other than a relationship?

Who knows? I certainly don't...

Out of Here

2008-12-04T22:55:00.002Z

Here's one I wrote a long time ago, some of you may recognise it in it's simplest form... I've tweaked it a bit recently, but the sentiment is still the same.

Out of Here

Is it so hard to believe
That someone like me could love
Someone like you?

There is no time to explain
The way I feel about you
I might be leaving on the next train
Out of here

You treat me like a toy
Some old thing to be thrown away
Every day I hear you say
I'm out of here.

Is it so hard to believe?
So hard to believe in this?
Is it so hard to believe?
So hard to believe in me?

There is no need to explain
The way you feel about me
I see it all in your eyes now
You're out of here

There is no need to speak
I don't expect an apology
I will be leaving on the next train
Out of here

Is it so hard to believe?
That love could survive all this?
Is it so hard to believe?
So hard to see?

Is it so hard to believe?
So hard to believe in love?
Is it so hard to believe?
So hard to believe in me?

There is no time to explain
The way I fel about you
I will be leaving on the next train
Out of here

Forgetting

2008-11-28T23:22:00.002Z

I want to forget.
Why is it that the things you want to forget, you can't, but the things you desperately want to cling to, disappear from your mind like smoke in a gale.

Fact is I don't know who I am. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know where I am going and I want to forget everything.

And booze doesn't do it.

Closest I ever came to forgetting who I was, was when I used to get stoned. And thats where I want to be... So stoned I can't remember my own name.

No Chance of that happening is there.

I hope you liked my songs by the way. Been writing a lot lately... and they are songs, not poems... I can hear the music in my head, I just can't write it down.

Another thing to add to my list.

Waiting For a Miracle

2008-11-22T22:18:00.002Z

She sells her silence to the world
A statue made of blood and bone
Te wooden splinters of her heart
On show

Her eyes are empty as the sky
Her mind a box enclosed in ice
Her fingers grip your hand and now
You know

Black Hair and Big black eyes
Her windows to the void
She lies in waiting for
The miracle
She's praying for

The cage around her holds her pain
Her thoughts are driving her insane
A breath of life is what she's
Searching for

She holds the fragments of her dreams
Afraid of love, or so it seems
Too scared of walking through that
Open door

Black heart and big black eyes
Faces deep inside
She stays in hiding from
The little things
That make it wrong

There's no expression in her eyes
A secret sadness as she sighs
She barely breathes at all
When she's alone

You reach for her she pulls away
Untouchable as yesterday
Violated by the scream
That hides within

Black hair and big black eyes
Know what it is to cry
She keeps on trying to
Stand on her own
Be strong for you

Black hair and big black eyes
Are windows to her soul
She lies in waiting for
The miracle
She's praying for

Rocket Fuel

2008-11-21T23:16:00.003Z

Whispering wind
Voice in your head
Surrounded by demons
Just like she said

You can't control
The feelings inside
Screaming at shadows
Along for the ride

And maybe she could save you
If she was near
Bt you're lost in the drk
And it's cold here
So cold here

Whispering wind
Pain in your head
Nothing to fear
You could be dead

Blood on your face
Smoke in the air
Pills on the table
How did they get there?

And maybe she could ove you
Get inside your head
But you follow the lines
And you're easily led
Easily led

Chasing the ange
You saw in your dream
Craving the contact
That washes you clean

She asked you your name
And you said you were fine
Ridng the train
To the end of the line

And maybe she could save you
But you chose the skies
Now yo weep for the light
That was once in her eyes
Once in her eyes

Maybe she could save you
If she was still here
But you're lost in the dark
And it's cold here
So cold here
So cold here.

Survivor

2008-11-14T23:55:00.002Z

Survivor

I love you

More than life

That's the truth

That's a fact

But I won't die here

If you won't stay

I am strong

I won't fade away

There are so many things

I want to do with you

But life is so unfair

And I've got to let you go

And as the sun breaks through

Over dark and stormy seas

I will ride the waves

And make it to the shore

I love you

More than life

That's the truth

That's a fact

But I won't die here

In the dark

I am strong

I will survive

You touched my soul

And let me fly so high

And there's a part of me

That keeps those memories alive

I won't fall apart

I won't break down

There's nothing I can do

But hold on

I love you

More than life

That's the truth

Thats a fact

But I won't die here

If you won't stay

I am strong

I won't fade away

And as the sun breaks through

Over dark and stormy seas

I will ride the waves

And make it to the shore

You touched my soul

An let me fly so high

And there's a part of me

That keeps those memories alive

I love you

More than life

That's the truth

That's a fact

But I won't die here

No no no no

I am strong

I will survive

And I will love you

All my life

You will be here

Deep inside.

By Kate 11/2008

Guys

2008-11-08T21:31:00.002Z

What is it about guys?
Cerain guys anyway. Got talking to this guy on match.com. He emailed me first... and I made it quite clear that I wasn't after men..it even say's on my profile that I'm looking for women. He said that was fine and he'd be mates if I wanted. The guy lives in Jersey, so it's not like I'm gonna bump into him any time soon.

And yet he keeps texting me and asking me what underwear I'm wearing, and what my favourite position is.

I swear all men are obsessed with sex!

In Memory of Emma

2008-11-05T20:04:00.002Z

On Northwest Tonight today, there was a report about a girl Called Emma Burrows, who died recently. She was 27 and had been diabetic since she was a child. When she was at school she had been bullied and excluded by other children because of her diabetes. They called her 'Drug Addict' and wouldn't speak to her, one child pushed her into the road. The bullying continued into secandary school, and Emma stopped taking her insulin in an effort to be 'normal', she lost weight rapidly and her body was damaged irreversibly in the process. In her teens Emma regained control of her diabetes, and went to Art College, but the damage was already done, her Kidneys and Pancreas failed and she was given a double kidney and Pancreas transplant. Due to complications after the transplant, she died.

I knew Emma Burrows. The first time I met her was when I was about 13, she was in a production of Alice in Wonderland in Aid f the Then British Diabetic Association (Now Diabetes UK). She Played Alice. She was beautiful, bubbly and always had a smile on her face. She was friendly and made everyone feel happy just watching her. I saw her again a few times after that because we were a part of the same diabetic support group. The last time I remember meeting her was at an easter egg rolling charity event. The beautiful, bubbly girl was now emaciated, a walking skeleton from not taking her medication and not eating properly. Still the smiles were on her face, but she looked like a walking skeleton.

I will remember Emma in two ways... the bright, confident actress, and the gaunt, skeletal girl. In both memories the smile is the same.

I am lucky that I was never bullied about my diabetes at school, everyone I have ever come across has always been understanding and supportive. I feel very srongly that if Emma had not been bullied and made to feel like a 'freak' by her peers as a child, that she would sill be alive today, and brightening up the world wth her smle and her artwork.

Her work s crrently on show at The Williamson Art Gallery in Birkenhead.

Bloblets

2008-11-04T21:17:00.002Z

I am surrounded by a horde of amorphous bloblets, rather aptly known as 'Mood Beams'. Frankly I think they are ace and everyone should have at least one in their room. I have eight, and two more on order.

What they are, are white plastic 'blobs' about 4 inches high, with basic black splodges for eyes and mouth, and when you push a button on their bottoms, or tap them on the head if they're on a hard surface, they glow, or flash, or beat in different colours...they will even flash along to music.

And they are the cutest most adorable lumps of white vinyl you ever saw.

I'm attempting to get the whole set, series one, series 2 series 3 and series 4 (the 'Tude Beams - Mood Beams with Attitude). I currently have all of series 2 and 3, and have ordered two that I can find of series one, ut series one are rare now and hard to find.

Each little blob has a paricular expression, and therefor a name... There is Smiley, Confused, Silly, Curious and Shy to name but a few, and each one has its own specific base colour.

I love my little glowing blobs. Especially at night when I set them all to a slow colour change, and they sit around the room rotating dreamily through the rainbow until I fall asleep...

Dating

2008-10-13T20:31:00.002+01:00

I may have a date next week.
And what the fuck is the ad thingy at the top of the page going on about... last time I looked it was avertising re-usable 'peeing tools' so that girls can pee standing up. Re-usable? Ewww, like I'd want to put that back in my handbag once I'd finished using it...cos lets face it girls, the main time yo want to be able to pee standing up is when you're out and about in the dark after leaving a club or somehing, and definately where there's no sinks about to be able to wash the damn thing out!

Just a dream?

2008-10-11T21:06:00.002+01:00

So yeah, I text him to see if he wants a cigarette, and he say's yeah.
So I go round to his house, and we stand outside, and I light up. He tells me he's given hp, and I shrug and ask him why he didn't tell me that before I came round. He doesn't answer.
So I ask about her and if she's away, and he shakes hs head and says that she's gone, left him.
I'm kinda shocked and can't say anything.
Then he urns to me and says that he didn't want to have been the one to tell me, that he'd been hoping I'd hear it from someone else, on the grapevine.
And thats wha hurts.
So I make to leave, and tell him he should have told me sooner, that I would have wanted to know, to try and help, and tha Im really upset that he didn't tell me til now.
And as I'm walking away, he grabs my arm and he says that it's all my fault. The way his life is now, is all because of me, and I can see the hate in his eyes as I look at him, and I feel the anger welling up inside of me, and I drag my arm free of his grip and smack him hard in the face, first with a slap and then with a hard left hook.
Then I turn and walk away and all I can think of is where I get the bus from in this area. I can hear him shouting in the background, but its all fading as I just keep walking into geyness and then wakefulness.

Fucked up.
Totally fucking fucked up.
Is it just a dream, or is my subconcious trying to tell me that this is how he realy feels?
It's fucked

The Winner Takes it all.

2008-10-09T20:32:00.004+01:00

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
Because it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence

But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all

Hmm. Some quite disturbing parallels between my life and this song. Who needs complicated, cryptic lyrics anyway? Say it like it is eh Annefrid (or possibly Agnetha) can't actually remember which of the ABBA girls it was that wrote this after one of the ABBA boys broke her heart. Of course there's always two sides to every story.
But on the other hand, what does it matter now anyway? It's what he wanted... to be rid of the wingeing, moody, clingy hanger-on. Thats why he did what he did, didn't do what he said he would, and kept pushing.

But now, what's a girl to do when she has a heart full of mistrust and cynicism? Well she could try and make herself feel better and get her own back by sleeping with everyone that comes near her, but that never works... that just makes her feel like a dirty slut... or she could throw herself into verything else she has in her life and try and forget who it is that she actually is. Attack work with a vengeance, fill up her time with other things, try her hardest to get back onto the dating scene... except she knows she can't love another man, not even half as much as she loved him. And so she keeps trying to forget and to hide, but in the darkness of her own head, in her room, alone, at night it all comes crashing down on her.

She feels abandoned, broken, used, ashamed, frightened, lost, angry, hateful, confused, hurt, cold, desperate, disillusioned, mistrustful, alone, and damaged.

How is she supposed to be free when she fels like this?

And how long will it take to not feel like this?

God

2008-10-03T22:47:00.002+01:00

I can't feel him anymore.
It's gonna sound weird to you non-believers, but I used to be able to feel him. 'd pray, and I'd feel safe, or warm, or just loved and at peace.
But now I don't feel anything.
I still believe, I know he's there somewhere, I just don't know why he's not listening, or if he is, why he's not helping. And I don't mean helping in a 'wave a hand and all will be well' kind of way... I am working my way through my own problems... I mean helping in a listening and reassuring kind of way. The world is a cold and lonely place.

I could do with a copy of Zoomtext tha isn't a demo and doesn't give my laptop trojans and bloody pop up ads

2008-10-01T21:31:00.002+01:00

People are evil sons of bitches.
I mean for starters if the damned program wasn't bloody nearly £500 to buy I wouldn't have to try and download a cracked copy off the internet...I mean it's just extorting money out of the people that need the software to be able t use a computer.
And then you get arseholes that attach nasty little viruses to programs, or name it one thing when it's really another so you end up with utter shit or a laptp that's not working quite right.
Of course if certain people had done what they said they were going to do months ago, it wouldn't have been an issue, but I was desperate because my eye was playing up and my back was bad because of sitting hunched over the laptop with my hand held magnifier squinting through it at the damned screen... and I had course work to do.

I'm pissed off at the world, I feel like I've been abandoned by certain people that I thought gave a shit, including God. I'm stressed at wrk because it's all new and I'm trying to learn and train people at the same time, and despite the fact I've now joined three dating sites, I've had only one person reply to my emails. And I'm supposed to be going for surgery on my left eye on tuesday despite the fact that my right eye is unstable, and I keep etting leaks in there and gong pretty much blind in that eye. So od course messing about with the other one seems like such a good decision.

On the other hand date site girl does appear to be quite nice.

still alive

2008-09-20T21:06:00.000+01:00

I am.

Pinchey and the Pink Sofa

2008-09-04T23:56:00.002+01:00

Pinchey shed his skin!

Guess that means he's doing ok...he's growing at least, and currrently hiding under a rock because he's all soft.

And I joined a lesbian dating site called Pink Sofa.

Well I have to start somewhere...

Party Party

2008-08-29T21:21:00.002+01:00

I have a rotten cold, for which I am blaming Gary. Only because I saw him at the weekend and he said he had a cold then. Grrr.

And I have spent the last half hour blowing up balloons ready for Mum's birthday party tomorrow. Dad said it's like germ warfare, and maybe the cold bugs that I blow into the balloons will mutate into something really nasty and we can bump off next door.

Perhaps not.

Anyway, yeah, 60th birthday tomorrow, then the christening of the decade on sunday. I'm being a godmother, slightly scary, but hey, It's an honour to be asked.

So, presents are wrapped, outfits are chosen, cards are written...I'm sure I've forgotten something, but it's tough now...I'm sure it will be fine!

Crawling Inside

2008-08-26T20:58:00.002+01:00

Vicious,
Long-legged crawlers,
Clawing like icy dagger-fingers
at my mind.
Skittering, scuttling, dark,
Whispering, wheedling, wicked.
Speak holes inside me.
Break them,
Crush them,
Stamp on them,
They return a thousand-fold.
Dark things, evil things, dead things,
Visions of death and hate,
tired broken thing falls down,
Empty shell devoid of life,
Eaten away from within,
By the crawling things inside.

Caring

2008-08-25T20:25:00.002+01:00

I wish I didn't have to care about people.
I wsh I could just turn off my feelngs and be cold as ice.
I wish I could stop worrying about everyone.
I'm beginning to wish I was alone in the world.
I'm gonna win the lottery soon, and I'm going to get a house, miles from anywhere and fence myself in with 15 foot fences so no-one except the tesco delivery person can get near me.

Dragons

2008-08-23T09:59:00.001+01:00

Well the Dragon I ordered for my Mum's birthday still hasn't arrived, and her birthday is next week.
You would have thought seven weeks was long enough for any dragon to get here!

Golden Snails and Blue Lobsters

2008-08-20T21:03:00.003+01:00

My Tank has life once more.

I have...Two silver sharks, two bronze corydoras (catfish to most peaople) called Cory and Dora (I know it's original), 6 nameless Glowlight Tetra's, one Golden Apple snail called Crawly, and a Blue Lobster called Pinchey.

I tested the water for everything, and it was fine, checked and double checked the filter and air pump, and threw them all in. So far they seem fine, the cory's are very playful, and love scooting round on the bottom of the tank throwing up gravel and rooting about under the plastc plants. The Silver Sharks started off a little shy, but have been more nosey today, coming to the front of the tank when they thought I wasn't watching. The Tetra's are naughty...they refuse to eat the crushed up flake food I put in for them, and end to try and tackle the catfish pellets and algae tabs I put in for the Cory's and Crawly. And honestly you've never seen a snail move so fast when I put food in that tank...He launches himself across the tank to hog an algae tab, then sits there and munches until it's all gone.
Pinchey is very elusive. He's only ickle at the moment (about an inch long) so I think the silver sharks scare him a bit...he tends to back himselfunder a plastic plant and wave his little pincers at anything that comes near...but I've seen him scuttling about so I know he's ok. I'm ging to try him on some chopped up mussels, cos the Fish shop man said they'll eat anything and to try him on seafood sticks and stuff like that. He's a good litle hoover too..even after giving the tank a good clean and a water change there was sill some muck floating about in odd corners that I couln't get to...the tank is spotless now.... The Fsh Shop man said he'd do that, but now the tank's clean, Pinchey will have to eat sunken dish flakes, algae tabs and anything else fishy throw in. Apparenly Blue lobsters are scavengers and will eat literally anything, including any dead fish that snk to the bottom... bit like my old Plec really. Will have to make sure he's well fed tho, cos he will also attack the fish if he gets hungry enough, tho I think he's a bit little at the moment.

Oh and Chris, I think you can get fresh and salt water variesties of Angelfish....I know there's definately freshwater ones, my mum had them for years... 'm avoiding them anyway, cos they are omnivorous and might attempt to eat Crawly or Pinchey. Pinchey is especially vulnerable when he sheds his shell, cos before he hardens he's all soft boddied and tender and juicy to any passing carnivorous fish.

Anyway I have nothing like that in the tank so he should b ok. I'm thinking of getting a couple of zebra snails as well, I only got one golden apple snail, because they breed, and I don't want 200 tiny snails in the tank, the zebra snails will only breed in brackish water tho so I might get a couple of those...and this is the reason I get plastic plants...if I end up with three snails the real ones on't last very long...

Doomsday

2008-08-16T23:10:00.002+01:00

Well it didn't happen...not when it was supposed to at least... 08.08.08 was uneventful, aside from the favt I gt the flu and spend 2 days in bed, but that hardly counts as doom.

So there's approximately 3 weeks til my birthday...and I'm really looking forward to that. Not in the slightest...not the actual turning 30 bit anyway...I think the saturday is going to be fun, going for a meal with Hab and spending the night in a posh hotel...well posh for me anyhow.

Mum has been badgering me about what I want for my birthday. I'm not that arsed...I'd be quite happy with HMV vouchers, so I can build my DVD collection. Or a house, but somehow I don't thing thats going to happen.

I cleaned out my fish tank tonight...it always takes longer than I think it's going to..by the time I've done a water change and cleaned the filter and attempted to clean the tubes with pipe cleaners, it's normally a good two hours. Anyway all it needs now is fish. I'm giving tropicals one last try, and if they all die again, then I'm going to take out the heater and fill it full of goldfish. I'm tired of trying to nurture the little bastards, watching them be all pretty and swimmy, and then wake up in the mornings to find, one by one, them floating. Don't know what I'm doing wrong...I don't over feed them, I don't under feed them, I check the temperature and the pH, and the Nitrate and ammonia levels, I do water changes...I have an amazing filter and a strange industrial looking toroise shaped hing that pumps air into the water, I think they just don't like me.
I have tried platties, mollies, swordtails, gouramis, Plecs, clown loach, red-bronze catfish,neon tetras, zebra danios, dwarf blue thingies (which I can't remember th name of), zebra fin tetras, harlequins, and probably some other stuff, the big fish don't last long, the smaller fish have a better life span, so I think I might go for something small and fast and prety, like Guppies or something. Possibly a couple of silver Sharks. I did have a Japanese Fighter that did quite well. I'm tempted to try an Angel fish or two as well, but they are so nice I'd be gutted if they died. Might see if I can get some ideas by typing Tropical Fish into Google and see what comes up....

Crap

2008-08-05T22:42:00.002+01:00

I feel like it.

I ache all over, I just want to sleep, but not been getting much lately, due to the heat mainly, it's a choice of being hot and sticky, or the squeaky fan.
Not just the heat tho I don't think. Been having mad dreams when I do get to sleep... Being chased by...things, trying to hide from stuff, that kind of thing.

At first my beautiful saviour was there, every time, bringing me home. Now it's different... I am supposed to be the saviour, rescuing her, and keeping her safe, but no matter what I do, I can't save her. She dies every night in my dreams, in some way or other.

Probably says a lot about my subconscious r psyche or whatever.

Probably not the best idea watching stupid films before I go to bed...Last night was Black Sheep... it's worth a laugh if your twisted like me... Mutant killer sheep is always good fun. Went to see Dark Knight again tonight. It is a truly fantastic film, and Heath Ledger as the Joker is terrifyingly creepy, and comically genius. But again, if I want to sleep without creepy dreams, probably not the best hoice of film.

I may have to find an episode of smething non violent and fluffy to watch before I go to sleep.

500th Post

2008-08-03T23:00:00.004+01:00

Yeah, believe it or not, this is my 500th post.
Scary isn't it, kinda landmarky.

To tell you the truth, I never thought it would go this far when I strted it all those years ago...and once or twice it nearly didn't.

So there you go...My 500th post. Not much to say really, nothing much has changed since last post, so I'll love you an leave you with the thought that I really did waste my 50th post. It could have been so much more interesting. Bit like my life really...

8.8.8/5

Tigers

2008-08-02T21:58:00.003+01:00

I like tigers.
They are stripy, and not as stupid as zebra's which are also stripy, but a bit daft. Tigers seem intelligent.

I also like rubies, because they are sparkly and beautiful like shiny drops of blood.

I was invited to a party tonight. By Leigh. Because we appear to be speaking to eachother at the moment, until the next argument, or the next time he decides to fuck off and hide. Not that I particularly want t be in communication with him, because I know he'll just fuck with my head again and we'll both end up being hurt. He just can't leave me alone.

Wasn't in a party mood tho, so I didn't go. Plus I think me, him and alcohol in the same place at the same time is a bad idea..it can only cause misery, and I didn't want to ruin Kate's birthday by fighting with Leigh.

Got a letter to say I got on my course. And spoke to my line manager yesterday, she told me my job move has been postponed until september. It seems I really can't have everything...it's given with one hand and taken away with another. Wait and see if the job actually happens in september, or if it does, whether the course ends up going tits up.

It's gonna cost me over £400, registration and course fee's. thats just for this year too...got another 3 years after that.

The evil of men

2008-08-01T21:58:00.002+01:00

You can't trust them. They see your heart and soul, and they see what you want and need and take it away from you.
They are emotional parasites, they drain you of everything good and leave you hollow and empty.

I hate men, in general. There's a few good ones, one or two that I know (aside from family) that I would trust with my life and my heart and soul.

But most are evil.

8.8.8/7

CORSETS

2008-07-30T23:10:00.002+01:00

So I ordered a corset from curious-curves.com or possibly .net or something.

They have some beautiful if slightly pricy things on there. Not as pricy as some I might add, but I couldn't resist. Cornflower blue with white edging...and made to measure so it should actually fit me. And I bought a couple of dresses today as well. A pretty black and white old fashioned style halterneck from primark, and a pretty strappy black dress with red roses and white skulls on it from Grin. Well what can I say, I'm still gothy on the inside, so why not on the outside.

And God damn it, I've been sucked in by ebay again...tho to be fair I'm only getting a top to wear with my white suit for the christening, and a corset and skirt set that I've out a max £10 bid on cos it finishes tomorrow and I'm winning at a fiver at the mo... you watch, some bugger will beat me by 50p now!

Little Boys

2008-07-29T00:03:00.002+01:00

I'm not going to let little boys make me feel guilty because I'm emotionally incapable of giving them ehat they want.

If he has a problem with that then tough. If he wants it all, then he can fuck off, because he can't have what I haven't got.

No more head fucks, no more petty little mind games and worthless promises. It's over and done with and I'm glad. I wish I'd never met him, cos all he's brought me is anger, hurt and bitterness.

No More.

Hiding

2008-07-25T23:42:00.002+01:00

The world is a cold and terrible place.
People are... helplessly destructive and inherently untrusting, which makes them selfish and dangerous.

I'm hiding. I don't want to talk to anyone. They can't touch me then. And if they can't touch me, then they can't hurt me or make me feel bad about myself. Because I certainly don't feel good about myself...I feel...unclean. But on the inside, like my heart and soul are dirty and damaged.

So yeah I'm hiding away

waste

2008-07-23T21:33:00.002+01:00

I give up.
It's all a waste of effort anyway, whats the point in trying to feel anything when all you do is get it thown back in your face.

I said I couldn't deal, I said I didn't know who I was anymore.
I said I regretted it and that I just wanted to forget it ever happened nd try and get back to where I was before.

But he damn well keeps on pushing.

Anger

2008-07-22T21:31:00.002+01:00

Everything is angry.
Fury bites deep.
I wish she would mind her own fucking business and stop discussing my health and work life with people I don't know.
And she wonders why I rarely talk to her or share anything with her. When I do it's spread all around the world within minutes.
And damn sure, if I pull her up about it, I'll be the bad guy...I'll be 'ungrateful', 'selfish' and other choice words, because thats me...I'm a selfish bitch.

The whole Leigh thing just proves that.

And yes Chris, I did know that was what would happen, but alcohol and hormones don't make good decisionmanking tools.

Fuck it..I am past caring now.

Everybody thinks I'm a selfish bitch anyway, I might as well act like one, now that I can't feel, it doesn't make a fucking difference to me.

Bad Decisions

2008-07-21T21:37:00.002+01:00

So, I'm emotionally FUBAR.
Sleeping with Leigh was not a good idea, n any sense, and I completely regret it.
Now he's totally fucked up, I quite simply cannot feel anything at all, and the whole situation is a total messed up nightmare.

Seeing him, what I've done to him... I'm never going to forgive myself, it's like a part of me has died, the part of me that matters and cares and is nice to people. She's gone, and all that's left is this hard, cold, unfeeling shell.

When I left his house, he stood there and he begged me to stay. The look in his eyes was worse than any knife blade. I felt something break inside me, and ... well I walked away.

I can't cry. I've caused him so much pain, and I can't cry...I'm just cold and dead. There's no going back from this, we might heal, seperately, but the rest is so fucked up that we will never manage to be friends.

Oh Dear Gd

2008-07-20T00:39:00.002+01:00

What am I doing?
So much for nt seeing Leigh. I went to see him today so we could have a proper talk about stuff. A couple of pints and a curry later, I had to use all available willpower to geton the bus and not go back to his and have sex.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't had a change of heart, I'm not falling in love with him or anything...I'm just really horny, and so is he, and the sexual tension in the air is almost visible. He is of the opinion that us getting hot and sweaty together won't make a difference to the general badness of the situation, and mght even help to ease the whole 'I'm really horny, please have sex with me aspect of things'. Fair point that usally, actually having sex does generally ease sexual tension, but having random sex when feelings are involved is never a good idea, and one or both of s will probably end up getting een moe badly hurt. Of course relationship sex with feelings is amazing, but personally I am of the opinion, at this point in my life, that dex and feelings should be kept as far away from each other as possible.

Especially when it's Leigh.

Bring on the lovely ladies...I need a fresh, juicy lesbian to.... yeah, I don't think I'm going to finish that sentence, there's been quite enough excessive information giving in this entry as it is.

A zillion love songs

2008-07-19T01:02:00.002+01:00

Don't listen to Magic radio,
Especially not late at night when it's mellow magic love letters.
It's enough to inspire bad poetry, and heartache, and evilness.

So, yeah, bad poetry aside, I'm not too bad.

Gonna be a Godparent, provided judgement day doesn't arrive first, or something nasty happens. Thing is, I'm wondering if (according to the church) Semilesbians are allowed to be Godparents?

Personally I don't reckon God himself would be too bothered, my theory is that he just wants us all to get along, and as long as we're not actually killing eachother or worshipping satan, or dong nasties to eachother, then he'd be happy. And besides, the Bible was written by people, and we all know what human nature is like when it comes to things we are afraid of or don't understand, or think are unnatural. And I'm not entirely sure about this, Gary would have to help me out on this one seeing as he's actually sudied the Bible, but I've heard it doesn't actually say anywhere in it that women can't sleep with women. I dunno. In my heart the idea doesn't feel wrong. I mean, when I'm dong something wrong I know, and I think that if God didn't want me to have a...thing with another woman, then he'd let me know, free will aside and all that, he'd still put something inside of me to tell me not to do it, and let me make my own choice.

On the other hand I may just be past redemption, a bad, evil thing, in which case I probably shouldn't be a Godparent, but I do't think thats the case. I believe, I try my best to be nice to people and help people, and not be a nasty person. I pray for people, and try to find forgiveness in myself for people I...don't like. Hey I'm trying not to hate them...hate is such a negative emotion. And believe me, belief sn't as easy as it sounds when stuff keeps happening to attack your faith...like deteriorating eyesight, diabetes, wholesale destruction of the planet, losing friends, that kind of thing. I'm clinging on tho.

I got my promotion at work, which is good, my eye might possibly be finally settling down, after surgery last week, which is good. I passed my counselling course, which is good. The course I wanted to do in september, the next stage of my counselling training, is oversubscribed, which is bad. They might put on another night course, which is good, but it will probably be at Carlett Park, which is bad, because it is a nightmare to get to on the bus, it's fairly innaccessible to those wih visual impairments, who can't see in the dark, and could provide safety issues. But we'll see what happens...obstacles are made to be conquered, and if I want to be a counsellor, I need to conquer ths little hiccough, one way or another. Oherwise I will have to wait until next year to carry on, and that's too long.

And Leigh. Well Leigh is like an itch I can't scratch. Leigh is an enigma I can't understand. Leigh is..Leigh. I may be experiencing feelings for him, but I don't want to...I'm not in the right place at the moment to be taking on another emotional cripple, and Leigh is possibly even more crippled than the twisted fuck...see I'm not quite over that potentially violent streak of really strong dislike for the evil S.O.A.B. But back to Leigh...In fact no lets move on because I don't really want to talk abot it...I'm taking time out from him anyway, I don't think it's good for either of us to be around eachother at this particular time...I'm vulnerable, he's vulnerable, and one of these days we're just going to fall into bed, and it will all end in tears and recriminations.

So the lesbian thing. I'm hinking Imight try to persuade Hab, Gay and Sam possibly if he comes along, to take me to a Gay bar on my birthday. Because quite frankly, I'm not brave enough to go out and attempt it on my own.

Maybe I'm too old to be trying the lesbian thing now. Maybe I should have got my arse into gear and tried it properly when I was younger. I blame the twisted fuck. If he hadn't bewitched me into falling in love with him, I might have done this by now.

All I know is, I need to be away from headfucking men for a while.

Of course I could probably find my way to The Lisbon in daylight...maybe drop in for a drink and see what happens...

Numb

2008-07-17T21:31:00.003+01:00

My heart aches
But I can't feel anymore.
I'm trapped in the dark
And I should be afraid
But I'm not.

Your face is a blur,
A distant memory
Tho you stand before me
And I can feel no remorse
No compassion.

I should love you.
You are the best I can get.
And you love me despite it all.
But I can't find love in my heart
I am numb.

Maybe one day this will change,
The ice that freezes my heart will melt
And I will put my arms around you
And say what you need to hear.
'I love you'

But now I can't feel anything,
Not love, not hate, not fear, not joy,
And it chills me.
Have I lost you forever?
Will I love again?

8.8.8/22

Promise

2008-07-16T23:43:00.002+01:00

I make this prmise to you;
To love you without condition,
To guide you on your way,
To protect you when I can,
To teach you what I know.

I make this promise to you;
To give you strength to show love,
To let you guide others,
To help you stand up for the weak,
And help you learn from your mistakes.

I make tpromise to you;
I will be strong for you
And wise for you,
I will learn from you,
And listen to you,
I will give you my heart and soul,
And be here for you
When you need a helping hand.

This is my promise to you.

For Jennifer.

8.8.8/23

In The Past

2008-07-16T00:28:00.002+01:00

Stars spiralled, out of control.
Swirling sparkles
Like diamond dust spilled from heaven.
Velvet air spoke whispers.
Dreams formed in the air,
Senses crackled with the closeness.
And still the sound was soft,
Like snow,
Yet warm like blood.
Electrical storms bloomed
Sparking from mind to mind
Connecting everything with a sense of light,
Fear and longing.
Ideas formed and died in those moments,
Children grew old,
Nations rose and fell
With the beating hearts.
Oceans turned to dust
And mountains cumbled in the heat of love
And now the sky is dark,
No more diamonds, no more storms.
The cold, hard mountains loom high,
Above the frozen seas.
The world is changed.
The lovers stand alone,
Broken, shiny fagments,
Reflecting the empty sky.

You

2008-07-14T21:33:00.003+01:00

My heart was cold,
A broken, shattered thing.
And then you spoke
And my heart beat again.

The sun would shine,
But warmth did not reach my face.
And then you smiled,
And my skin felt heat again.

I could not cry
My tears were trapped inside of me.
But you took my hand
And taught me how to feel again

You gave me love,
And made me live for life
Now I can stand alone
Back on my feet again.

8.8.8/25

2008-07-11T00:58:00.000+01:00

8/8/828

uterly destroyed

2008-07-04T21:17:00.002+01:00

Leigh Loves Me.

That is a very bad thing.

He is a wonderful, caring, cuddly, sexy, fantastic man.

And I can't love him back because....? Why indeed can I not let myself love him?

Well it's fear mainly...fear that what I might be feeling might not be real, fear of hurting him and fear of getting hurt, fear of taking a chance and getting my hearttrampled again. Fear of finding out that what I think I might maybe be feel is just a ghost of something that died a long time ago, or a nasty little reflection of what Ido feel for Gary.

And Leigh can't cope with being around me in the friend zone. He loves me, he wants to make me happy, and apparently he wants to spend ever wking minute of his life with me because and I quote 'no-one has ever made him feel the way I do' think his words were vulnerable and safe at the same time...and that scared the sit out of me, bcause I didn't think anyone could possible understand the way I feel about Gary until Leigh said those words about me. I don't want to be the one to hurt Leigh, and selfish tho I am in the fact that I want to spend time with him because I enjoy his company, and he gets me, and I want to be in his company, Ican't make him, because it's killing him.

I cried al wednesday night when he texted me to tell me.

I cried a lot in the pub yesterday when we met p to talk about it.

I've cried a lot over this, and it makes me wonder if I do feel more than just friendship for him. Noone should really get this upset over a guy that you've only been mates with for a couple of months. Should they?

I don't know what to do. I know what he wants but I'm afraid to get involved incase I end up screwing things up and hurting him even more than I do already.

8.8.8/35

work sucks

2008-06-30T20:40:00.000+01:00

all i have t say really

8.8.8/39

Things Unsaid

2008-06-29T21:03:00.002+01:00

There's a feling in the air at the moment. I can't explain it properly, it's like fear or expectation, like the prickly energy feeling you getbefore a thunderstorm where everything seems fresh and slightly bigger and brighter than usual, but yet seems so ancient and uncomprehensible.

I don't know if it's just me that feels it, but people seem to be acting...differently, lke they can sense omething, but they don't know what. There's a lot of nceness...thats the only way I can describe it...Today I saw a couple of teenage girls helping an old lady pack her shopping bag...I know they didn't know her, and she wasn't a relative, cos I heard them talking just before they offered to help her. Peopel are being overly polite to eachother, holding doors, not pushing in front of one another t get on the bus, even the counter staff in burger king were friendly, smiling abd helpful...it's just not normal...it's like the run up to christmas, except people are getting more friendly and polite instead of more rude and ignorant.

Maybe it's just my frame of mind...last night I dreamed that angels walked the earth, and there was an end to all the pain and suffering, and everyone was freed, souls were free, and there was only light. It was...a good dream I think.

8.8.8/40

END DAYS

2008-06-27T22:42:00.004+01:00

CAST DOWN THE WORLD!

WHAT USE IS IT'S LURE?
JUDGEMENT COMES
FOR THE TAINTED AND PURE,
BREAK OPEN THE SKY
AND FEEL HEAVEN'S LIGHT
BARE YOUR SOUL TO THE VOID
AND WATCH IT TAKE FLIGHT

8.8.8/42

il pleut

2008-06-26T21:59:00.002+01:00

Aujourd'hui il pleut beaucoup.

Or for the none french speakers in the world, today it rained a lot. Or at least it did when I was outside in it.

So I won the silver dragon rings I bid on yesterday. I was the only bidder so won them for the grand sum of one penny. Remains to be sn if the seller will actually cough up for that price, but p&p was six quid odd, so all in all I think I got a bit of a bargain, if they turn up.

So I've bid on some other gothic dragony stuff...it migt do for mum for her birthday, in part at least, as she likes that sort of stuff, and if not then I can always keep it for myself.

I need to not get addicted to ebay again...or I will spend a fortune.

I may treat myself to something nice nearer my birthday, now I've found the section with all the antique silver jewellery.....

Still tired. Not been sleeping well lately.

8.8.8/43

need sleep

2008-06-26T00:19:00.002+01:00

tired very tired
just bought som stuff on ebay that i saw whn looking for a present for my mum.
now i need bed

8.8.8/44

Improvement

2008-06-24T21:28:00.002+01:00

Well, my eye seems to have improved somewhat since sunday. Still can't read my screen without the aid of my magnifier, but I can at least see more than fuzzy blobs of light and dark. I can just about read the letters o my keyboard, but everything is in a dreamlike soft focussy fuzziness. It's better than it was tho.

Mum had a quiet word with Chris yesterday. About the christening. Turns out she wasn't exceptionally happy about it being one of those weekends either, it being her 60th and all. Anyway he's going to try and get a differendate nearer the end of september, so Mum said to plan my plans and do what I wish for my birthday.. So I shall.

It's all politics anyway the Christening...they are only doing it so that they stand a chance of getting Jenny into StSaviours school which is just around the corner, and loosely attached to st saviours church. Kids attached to the church by strings f holy water tend to stand a better chance of getting into the school. Apparently you have to start thinking about these kinds of things now, otherwise you end up with shit schools. And yes, Jenny-wren was a week old, yesterday.

8.8.8/45

Happy Birthday

2008-06-22T22:11:00.002+01:00

I am officially cancelling my birthday.

Ednburgh's not happenning now anyway, and apparently my brother and his wife just HAVE to have Jenny's christening on either 31st August..My mum's 60th birthday weekend, or 7th september, my birthday weekend. That buggers up mum's birthday plans and any plans I might have made too.

So I'm not bothering.

Who gives a fuck anyway?

8.8.8/47

Waiting

2008-06-20T23:21:00.002+01:00

Very little if any improvement in my eye. Just got to wait and hope.

Tried to get a decent pair of prescription glasses today but the opticians won't touch me with a bargepole. I got some frameless reading glasses, and wired the lenses to the front of a normal pair, they look better than wearing two pairs, but it's not ideal... worked out that I need about a +8.0 prescription, based on the fact that I'm wearing two +3.50, and they're not quite strong enough..

8.8.8/49

Jennifer Abigail

2008-06-19T21:34:00.002+01:00

My neice, Jennifer Abigail Hunt was born on monday at 12:28 pm, weighing 8 pounds. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

On tuesday I woke up o find I had lost the sight in my right eye. The doctor said that it sometimes happens after operations that I have had. Basically little blood vesels have formed around the incsion they put in my eye to drainthe oil out. The blood vessels are weak, and have leaked in my eye. It's like dropping ink into water, the ink spreads out and clouds the water. Thats basically why I can't see. The blood is clouding my eyesight and I can only see bits of light and dark and vaue colours. He said it might clear up b itself, if not they'll have to go in and clean it out.

It means I'm down to one very blurry eye, and am having to wear two pais of really strong reading glasses to see my way about.

I feel like I'm being punished for something.

8.8.8

Download.

2008-05-26T22:04:00.002+01:00

And I really really want to go to download... not because it's a particularly good line up this year, just because I need a break away from things.

But no one I know is going, I was seriously thinking about going on my own, but I can't afford a ticket and the train fare all the way to donnington. All I really need is someone with a space in their car to give me a ride there and back, and maybe a hand pitching my tent if it's windy...after that I'd be fine, but alas it doesn't look like I'll be going.

That reminds me I need to ask Hab about edinburgh and make sure everyone is still coming. 30 is looming on the horizon and is fast approaching.

I hate my life at the moment...whenever I try to change it for the better shit happens to make me feel bad about it all again. I'm sick of fighting all the tinme.

Leigh

2008-05-26T21:27:00.002+01:00

Yeah, haven't been on for a while.

To be honest it's been a really stressful time, mum got a detached retina again, so she's been out of action, and I've been worried about her. I'm also worried about Sam, and as for the whole situation of my love life, well thats just evil at the moment.

I went out with Leigh on friday night. Purely by accident as he sent a text to me instead of his mate Kate, andyway, to cut a long story short I went out with them, as I had nothing better to do, and we had fun, and then stupidly we kissed, and then to make things worse, we were honest with eachother, and then Kate came and had a chat with me and told me some stuff, and now my head's a mess and I don't know what the hell to do.

Ok, so Leigh I saw before the twisted fuck. He ended the relationship because he was still in love with his ex. Yeah. Figures. So I went off, found the twisted fuck and spend the next 3 years losing confidence and self esteem unter TTF's careful ministering.

I heard from Leigh a couple of times after that, but we eventually lost touch. Six years later, face book provides a means for us to be reunited and we start talking again.

To be fair meeting up with him, especially at the moment with everything thats going on, probably wasn't the best idea. Kissing him was definately not a good idea, especially in the light of what Kate told me later.

He's a lot sweeter than I remember him being, also a lot taller and skinnier... Believe me, you don't know what the word emaciated means until you've met him...but it's not like he doesn't eat, and he's got so much energy it's exhausting just watching him. Anyway, after drinking a bit, and listening to him talk about anything and everything I got lost in the moment, and in his eyes, and well, yeah it happened.

And all I could think when we were kissing was 'is this right? Should this be happening? Am I ready for this?'

And then he asked...'what is this? where are we going with this?'

And the flood gates opened, and I told him a lot. How I feel about Gary, all the pain and anger and frustration at being unable to get over him, the fear of not waning to be hurt again, the need to not hurt anyone else because of how I feel, the self destructiveness and the feeling of being completely helpless and useless and vulnerable and alone.

And he understood.

Apparently he's just as fucked up when it comes to life and love as I am. He won't let himself get close to anyone, he wears this hard crusty shell, a mask so that people can't see how sensitive he is, and he's got so damned good at it that people actually believe it. Except with me, he's different. He admitted that himself. And he also admitted that he couldn't take any more pain, and he hasn't let himself show his feelings or even to feel properly for years.

And after that he said that he hadn't felt the same way about anyone else since, that he'd felt about me, but that he understood how I felt, and respected it. Not just empty words like the last time I heard them from Anton, but proper, heartfelt promises.

And then we went to the Kray, and I spoke to Kate, or rather she spoke to me, and she said that he'd never really got over me. Even though he'd ended it, he realised he'd made a huge mistake, but by that time it was far too late, and I was with TTF.

I swear that my life is turning into a madern day Catherine Cookson Novel.

And now I am in a dilemma. I like Leigh a lot. He's sweet and caring and lovely, and I might well have feelings there for him, but I don't want to hurt him, or get hurt again, and I'm still in love with Gary. And thats just part of the problem...I know there's never going to be anything more between me and Gary, no matter how long I sit and wait. He made his choice, he chose her over me, and thats fine, I even understand that, but I can't go on loving him and not moving on. Sometimes I can feel it like a physical pain inside me, and the worse thing is, I know he's not perfect, but the fact that I don't see him, and I don't speak to him that much makes it so much worse, cos now I have an agelic, rose tinted picture of him in my head, and I don't know if it's the perfect image of him that I'm in love with or the real man.

And Leigh. Well I don't know if I'm attracted to him because I feel I need to move on, as like a rebound thing, tho it has been 11 months or so, or if I'm attracted to his vulnerability, or the fact that he's nice to me, or the fact that he obviously has feelings for me, or whether I'm attracted to him because he's attractive and I think maybe it could work. But one thing Kate said is completely right...If I do decided to go for it and get into something with Leigh, I have to do it for me, nobody else, and I have to do it for me, for the right reasons.

I'm just to scared to find out eaxactly what I feel incase I hurt someone, and myself along the way.

How to save a life

2008-05-15T21:38:00.002+01:00

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.

And so this song has been tormenting me all day. I only know the chorus, as above, and tho it is a great song, it is not the cheeriest of melodies to have going round and round and round your head since six o'clock this morning.

In fact it's quite depressing, especially when coupled with intermittent breaks filled by Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. A sonf that always without fail makes me cry.

Had a good talk with Gary tho, which cheered me up for a bit...just not for long

I think my head is going to explode.

creation

2008-05-13T22:17:00.002+01:00

The urge to create is burning inside me, in more ways than one.

Everyone around me seems to be procreating and adding to the population problem, and freakishly, I find myself wanting to do the same thing.

Of course, with my medical history and the fact I haven't got even the sniff of a man in my life let alone a stable relationship, it's unlikely to happen...ever if I continue my 'All men are evil, scummy, leech-like bastards@ phase.

Because really... Men are utter fuck uppity useless at commitment and even worse at actually caring...apart from the aforesaid, few and far between men who are either Gay, married or dead. Or possibly all three.

Anyway I'm not going to start man bashing again...I did enough of that talking to Joey the other night. Learned a lot about that girl I didn't know too. She's a dark horse that one. And I never did understand that expression.

Anyway, the creativity...I've been full of ideas lately, yeah now that I'm back at work and have no time to write stuff, I get ideas. And you have no idea the tortureof being bored shitless in work, and not being able to work on the ideas that buzz inside your head...well Chris might being a fellow creative whizz. It is very frustrating anyway, and by the time you get home, your tired and having stared at a computer screen all day, you don't really want to start all over again. And yet here I am, typing this drivel, when I could be being creative...go figure.

Reunion

2008-05-11T22:05:00.003+01:00

High school reunion number 1.

Yeah the first one in 13 years.

Some people don't change, it's quite scary really. Those that turned up:

Me,
Andy Sullivan,
Claire Riley (now jones)
Kay (can't remember her second name)
Paul Herbert (now Holmes)
Graeme Dodd
Matty Stanley
Jamie Thompson
Charlie Harris
And a guy who apparently was in my form, except I can't remember what his name is. I'm really quite embarrassed by that.

And Kerry New turned up with a hhen night, randomly out of the blue and said hello.

Anyway it was good to see old faces. People do look the same, except Andy, who's stopped being skinny and funny looking, which is how I remember him, and started being actually quite damned sexy.

I'm not going there, mainly because I think he;'s seeing someone, but also because I'm off men.

I got really drunk and made a tit of myself anyway. And never wear new high heels on a night out. Ended up being escorted to the bus stop by Andy and Kay, minus shoes, cos I couldn't walk in them, and I was home by 11.

I have really got to stop doing that...I think I ended up minus shoes being carried home at Chris's wedding, well definately being carried. At least my mum and dad didn't have rto put me to bed this time.

erm

2008-05-05T23:24:00.002+01:00

Not Sam, definately not Sam, I hope thats kind of obvious...much as I love Sam to bits, I really don't want to spend every waking minute with him and he's not constantly on my mind, but I hope that the person I was writing about knows that if he ends up reading this.

I'm rambling so I'll shut up. Just felt I should clear that up cos that last post sounded a bit...ambiguous.

Realisation is never fun

2008-05-04T22:57:00.002+01:00

So yeah...Sam's birthday, tried ringing him to say happy birthday but I guess he's off enjoying himself .

Ended up going to see Nim's Island, which was a bit shit and made me want to live on a deserted island far away from anyone at all.

And then I came home and watched Two Pints of Lager and A Packet of Crisps. Four series in two days is probably a bit of overkill, but up until tonifght it was making me laugh.

Today it made me cry.

And then I stopped crying, and and tried to work out why I was crying, and why I wanted to move to a deserted island as far away from everything and everyone as possible, and I figured it was vecause I don't want to face up to anything.

Because the fact is, I've been hiding from it, and trying to bury it deep inside, and I can't do it anymore.

I love him. I can't stop loving him. He is the first person I want to see in the morning when I wake up and the last person I want to see at night before I go to sleep. He is the only person I want to curl up with and be close to.

When I have some good news, he is the first person I want to tell, and when I have bad news he is the person I want to run to.

I want to look after him and make him happy. I want to comfort him when he's down, and be there for him when he needs me. I want to be the one he runs to when he's hurt or afraid. I want to be the one he loves and holds. I want him to be mine, and me to be his.

He said something to me the other day when I spoke to him about Anton.

And the answer to his unspoken question is I cope with it by pretending it's not happening and not thinking about it, because every time I do it cuts me up inside, it breaks my heart and turns my stomach to this cold iron ball.

I love him with all my heart and all my soul.

And I wish I'd never fallen in love with him, because I know it's never going to be real. I know he's never going to be mine ever again.

I really want to be drunk right now.

No More

2008-05-02T21:19:00.000+01:00

Yeah well, like every other little prick in the world, Anton turned out to be another slimy twat who was only after one thing...All the shit about 'I respect you' 'i understand you', 'I'll give you time'...same as all the rest...ten minutes later...'Hey do you know any hotels round here we can spend some time in?' On a wednesday afternoon, like I'm some sort of english whore. I don't fucking think so.

They are all exactly the same, thats all they want, sex, sex sex, all they have on their fucking pea sized brains. I'm sick of being treeated like I don't fucking matter and like I'm just a piece of skirt to use and throw away when they can't be arsed with me any more.

No more...men arre utter pieces of shit and I don't want anything more to do with them.

Especially not lying slimy, fuck heads like anton.

And what makes it even sicker..I think he actually liked me too... And I explained maybe four times that I wasn't ready for any big romance, didn't want to get too involved...wanted friendship more than anything else, and he still kept pushing me and pushing me.

I had 5 missed calls in half an hour from him while I was at my course on wednesday night, even tho I'd told him I didn't finish til nine and I was going straight home to bed cos I was tired after being ill..He's not rung since, and I have not intention of ringing him either, he can find some other lonely english girl to try and seduce with his big brown eyes. Fucker.

I'm sick of being used for sex by two faced, lying ass holes, whon promise friendship or love and then fuck you off in favour of the the next, prettier model to come along.

I'm sick of being treated like shit. And of loving people who blatantly don't love me.

I'm sick of two timing scum who seem to think it's ok to plan their lives to try and keep two women on the go...thats not aimed at you G. That was one thing you never did...

I'm sick of having to self justify my choices... They're my fucking choices...why should I need to justify them to myself???

I'm really really fucking angry now, and the worst thing about it all, is that I've only got my self to blame, I am only able to be angry with myself for making the same mistakes over and over again, and falling in love with the wrong damned people over and over and over.

Except maybe Joey, she doesn't fit into that category...I don't know what category she does fit into...I'd like to find out someday if I get the chance.

And hey you know what...getting drunk and ranting really doesn't solve anything, it really doesn't make you feel anybetter, it just means your drunk, and in the morning you just feel like crap cos you were drunk, and will probably end up deleteing this post as mindless drivel.

I fucking hate men..they're all shit heads all dick and no fucking brains.

Apologies to anyone who's reading this if a you're a nice man with a brain, seeing a nice man with a brain, or married to one. That'll be all three of them then. All three of the straight ones anyway. Hold on to them.

Anton

2008-04-30T00:06:00.002+01:00

I don't know what got into me today.

I went over to Liverpool to do some shopping, and met a guy.

Normally when random foreign guys come up to me and try to talk to me, I make as polite an excuse as possible and run away as fast as I can, but today,,,well I guess there was just something about him (other than the fact that he's drop dead gorgeous) that made me stop and listen and smile and end up having a drink with him.

So Anton is 28, 29 in october, he's quite shy, doesn't seem to have an awful lot of confidence. He's quietly spoken, but has a kind of ernest genuine quality to him. He's polite and apologetic, tries very hard with his english, which is very good apart from a few mis-phrasings and a lot of umming between sentences. He is from some islands somewhere..I didn't actually catch where he said he was from I'll have to ask that again. His Dad is Turkish so presumably he's from around that area.

He said he'd seen me around before in Birkenhead and hadn't had the courage to come and talk to me, and when he saw me in Partners in Liverpool he was really nervous, but came to say hello anyway. I'm more than a little suspicious about that, as I dyed mt hair yesterday, from blonde to dark red, so he's either got a really great memory for faces, he has the wrong person entirely and a totally different red head has missed out, or it was a line. If it was a line I don't mind too much, it worked anyway heh.

He bought me a drink in a little pub on Matthews Street, we talked for a bit, then he had to go and do some student stuff. We were supposed to be going to the cinema ater on, but I chickened out and cancelled. I'm meeting him for lunch tomorrow instead.

And you see this is where the problems start.

I like this guy, he's nice, he flatters me in a kind of gentle, non-invasive kind of way, he gives me attention which I like, he's polite and courteous...and I don't know if I like him because he's likeable, or because I'm getting some much needed attention and he's making me feel good about myself...and that worries me.

Because I do like him. And I don't want to end up hving to hurt him. And there's so many ways I could hurt him. I'm a mess at the moment...I have a lot on my mind to cope with, lots of stuff in the past that's affecting my present, lots of stuff in my present thats going to affect my future, and because I like Anton, I don't want to get into something and realise I can't give him what he wants.

Plus I harly know him and I really do not want to get hurt again.

One major thing thats making me hesitate is the small fact that I am, despite how hard I'm trying not to be, I am still in love with Gary.

I may be reading too much into this. I need to find out exactly what Anton is looking for and try to explain what's going on in my head. That could be tricky. How do you explain a mashed up heart and the fact your still in love with your ex boyfriend after eight months, and a fucked up brain to someone who might not understand wheat your saying exactly. How do you rephrase 'nursing a broken heart'?

I don't really know what to do. Do I take a chance and hope that things don't get messy further down the line? Do I call the whole thing off and risk losing someone that could turn out to be really special, never knowing how things could have turned out between us? Do I try and explain everything and see how it goes?

I'm going to go to lunch with Anton tomorrow. Thats decided. I'll see how it goes from there.

INFECTIOUS

2008-04-26T23:00:00.002+01:00

I have a chest infection. It's not pleasant but I have antibiotics now, so hopefully it will be short lived. I don't really want to be coughing up any more green slime.

Anyway, I went to the hospital to get my eye checked out, and they said it's doing very well, so I'm very pleased. The vision is improved too...I can now read four lines down on the chart...whic is a plus cos before I couldnt even see the damned chart. It's a little disorientating being able to see with one eye and not really see with the other...and the vision in my right eye is not perfect, there's blurry bits where the retina is damaged but I reckon I'll be able to cope or at least adapt until they take the oil out of the left one.

Don't know when thats going to happen yet tho

I have another week off work anyway...should go back in on 5th May.

I bought myself some dumbells today, because Iam horrified to admit, I am getting bingo wings. Yes my arms are taking on the appearence of two sticks with bits of flab hanging off them. I'm not even thirty yet...I can't have bingo wings, well at the moment they're more like winglets, but I intend to stop tghem in their tracks before they become more bat like.

I'm not impressed.

So this afternoon I have been pumping iron... to be fair I did have to take all but one of the weights off the dumbells, so they look a little pathetic, but if I don't start off small I'll do myself an injury. Someone did sugest press ups as a nice free alternative to buying dumbells, but my arms are so pathetically weak I can barely manage one press up before I collapse in an exhausted agonised heap. I am possibly the most unhealthy, unfit, weak assed individual in the known world.

The dumbells should have a positive effect on that lol.

headless chicken

2008-04-24T00:11:00.002+01:00

So the day started with Goodison Park, and a telephone role play and interview for the AO job I'm going for. Think it went ok. Just got to wait and see.

Came home and went to bed for several hours as I feel like utter shit with this evil bastard cold I've got, and seriously, every ti,e I start coughing which is all the time, I feel like I'mm going to cough up a lung, and there's this horrible wheezy noise. May have to go to the doctor if it doesn't start getting better soon, cos it feels like my chest is full of phlegm, and no matter how much I cough I can't shift it. It's not pleasant.

Woke up abou half past two when Gary rang me... had a good chat, it was nice to hear from him.

Went online after that to check what time the enrolment for the counselling course was, and found that they'd changed the dates, and apparently it started 2 weeks ago. I was on the verge of packing it in, when I decided to ring them up on the offchance that they still had places.

Phoned the college, and the woman on the phone was so snotty with me when she was telling me that the courses were all over subscribed that I'm afraid I got quite snappy with her, so she put me through to someone else who told me if I came alone early tonight that I may be able to squeeze on to the course.

So I did. I went along, went to the room where they're holding it. Guess how many people turned up?

5. There are 5 of us. Hardly oversubscribed, in fact so undersubscribed that they had to get permission from the principal to be able to run the cousre at all.

Anyway, I'm all enrolled and started my first step to becoming a counsellor. If I enjoy this couse, then it's four years worth of counselling training to come. See how this goes and take it from there. Today went well. I enjoyed it, but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket or counting my chickens before they hatch even tho I have been running round like the proverbial headless chicken all day. Or at least it feels like it. This morning seems a long long time ago.

resident evil

2008-04-20T23:49:00.002+01:00

So, you know the corridor to the computer core in resident Evil the film, with the lasers?

Thats where I want to put the Twisted Fuck, and the Dealer, with a bunch of Raving zombies at one end, and the lasers coming at them from the other end. See how long they'd last.

boredom

2008-04-19T22:11:00.002+01:00

So, I've spent pretty much the whole day in bed watching DVD's and wishing my mother would leave me alone for 5 minutes..

I'm not stupid, I don't need patronising , looking after or force feeding. I don't need everyt tiny little thing pointing out to me, or reminding when to take my eye drops... It's not like I haven't done this before, several times.

It's driving me nuts.

And to top it all I can't stop coughing. I think Sam has given me his germs when I went over the other night.

And I think ,y laptop is on it's way out.

Bionic Woman

2008-04-18T21:44:00.002+01:00

Yeah so my op went well... Put it this way I'm not lying flat on my face for the best part of a week like last time, so it must have gone fairly well.

Just a bit sore and blurry at the moment, and have a multitude of eye drops to put in at various times of the day, but I can just about see to type, so I'm happy. Should get a few weeks off work too which is nice!

Had another message off Leigh on facebook, we appear to both be in similar places in our lives at the moment... Drifting slightly and looking for a purpose. We always were scarily similar in our outlook and thinking... Like twins separated at birth heh.

And Andy is being very friendly too, considering we never talked much when we were at school, we seem to be making up for it now heh. I think I might actually be making friends! It's too early to tell, but it looks like a possibility... the girl with no social skills is making a comeback lol Is all good.

old flame

2008-04-17T21:24:00.003+01:00

Been chatting to Leigh on Face book. Guy I used to go out with briefly before I met The Twisted Fuck..

He's a nice guy, seems to drift through life with out actually getting anywhere, but he's nice. Probably wouldn't go there again, even if he was interested, which I doubt, but still, it's good to know that he's doing ok and stuff. Wonder if he's till got the spiky hair he had six years ago. Would be interesting to meet up and see if he's changed at all.

My operation is tomorrow. I'm doing... strangely. From last time, that's quite good, no weird feelings or bad ominous clouds hanging over me this time, which can only be a good thing. I just feel a little numb about it all. About everything really, It's like I don't care anymore...I'm going through the motions at work, doing what I have to do, smiling and being nice to people, going for a promotion too, but I dunno, it all feels like a dream, and not particularly real.

I've been dreaming a lot about babies recently too. Too many baby dreams make me start to worry, but it's not like I could be pregnant or anything... It'd be a bloody miracle if I was, and I don't see much in the way of immaculate conception going on these days. Plus I think you actually need to be a virgin for immaculate conception to actually take place, and well I'm not.

I didn't get to sleep until very late last night. My head was filled up with thoufghts...you know when you can't stop thinking about stuff even though you really want to. It was all depressing shit anyway. Mainly about The Twisted Fuck, and how the nasty little twat still has a hold over me. Still can't let it go, too much hate and anger for that, made worse by the fact that he seems to be everywhere. He's even wormed his way into my enjoyment of face book by being friends with half of my new facebook friends. I'm not the kind of person to sabotage his life tho, he's entitled to have friends I suppose, and my friends have the right to choose who they have as friends, so I'm not going to say anything despite how much I hate the vindictive little shit, It's not worth lowering myself to his level. And if he's true to form they'll find out eventually anyway.

It's not jusyt about him though. Gary appears in my thoughts a lot at the moment too. I don't know how he's doing, I haven't spoken to him for a while, haven't heard from him in a while really. Don't speak much nowadays. I miss him a lot, but he'll get in touch when he's ready. It just makes me sad when I think about how things used to be...we could talk all night about anything. Nothing can last forever tho can it, not even love. It changes and gets broken, and sometimes it can be mended and rebuilt into something stronger, but most of the time you should just throw away the bits and try and forget about what you had. I learned a lot of that from The Twisted Fuck, we just kept trying to mend, and trying to rebuild, and what we ended up with was a dangerous, twisted, broken pile of sharp pointed, needles of broken glass that cut us to pieces whenever we tried to do anything. I think thats a fairly good analogy for who we were in the end...two broken people in a shattered relationship, hating and hurting eachother without even realising what we were doing.

It wasn't like that with Gary, I'm really glad to say, I couldn't have handled that . I'm just about handling the current state of non contact. On a good day...some days I just want to curl up into a ball and shut out the world.

And some days I just want to curl up in bed with someone. Anyone would o, I just want someone to hold me, put their arms around me and hug me and tell me it's going to be alright, that I'm not alone. I just want to feel wanted. I know I am wanted, just sometimes I don't feel it. I just want to be with someone who cares about me, not necessarily a lover or a partner, a friend is all I need. Someone to make me feel warm and safe.

And sometimes I just want to be alone to hide from everything and every one.

Busy Busy Busy

2008-04-11T22:35:00.002+01:00

Busy week next week. Aside from the usual working and going to the pictures (see AWAKE it's great). I have a 3 hour seminar and selection exercises to do for a promotion for work...Numeracy and Literacy...shouldn't be a problem I've passed tghe damned things about 3 times already. And then on Friday I have the op on my eye that I was supposed to have last month...Finally. I feel better about it this time round, so hopefully all will go well. The following week, if I pass the selection excercises, I'll have to do a telephone role play, and an interview. Joy of joys,but it's a promotion and gets me away from filling in forms forever if I get it.

I'm stressing a bit about my birthday. I know it's only April, but I keep getting paranoid and thinking no one is going to turn up, ir that peopel will drop out at the last minute..It' wouldn't surprise me, and I don't really want my birthday this year to end up like my birthday last year...I got quite upset that my camping trip got cancelled (not that anyone noticed) and my birthday night out was a nightmare disaster, and I ended up going home and crying myself to sleep. Hence I'm a little wary of the big plans that we're making in case it all goes wrong and I end up spending my 30th birthday on my own. I'm putting my faith in Hab and Joey and everyone. Hab seems to be doing most of the organising and stuff...Thanks Hab you're a wonderful friend! And everyone says they're really looking forward to it... I've just got this tiny worm of doubt in the back of my mind...Didn't people say that last year. Things were different then of course...Things were more fucked up...I think...just about anyway...A hell of a lot has happened in the last year it's frightening, sometimes I can't keep track.

Anyway, yeah, paranoid, nervous, generally quite happy tho. My mate is doing well, she seeems a lot happier and more stable the last few weeks. Hopefully she's over the worst.

Got to go really as it's getting late and I'm up early tomorrow o do overtime. Lovely.

differences

2008-04-09T20:50:00.002+01:00

What is the difference beween men and women? Apart from the obvious. Men and women will never understand eachother, not properly.

Men are evil. All of them. I've decided.

They either don't want to know you, or just want to get you drunk so that you'll have sex with them. Went out after work last week and one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. Got rid of him in the end by telling him I was a lesbian, and by pointedly refusing to accept his offer of a drink. Some guys just won't take no for an answer.

I don't really know how I feel about men at the moment. I'm somewhat dissillusioned by the whole getting married/having a long term meaningful relationship/trusting one of the bastards not to break my heart again thing. And lets face it, unless you find someone really special, sex is utterley overrated, and you can have much more fun on your own, tho it is nice to be close to someone. I had found someone really special, and I miss him, but some things are never meant to be, and he's with the person he's supposed to be with now.

What can you do? You can let it destroy you, or you can take your revenge mwah ha ha ha, no, joking...you've just got to get on with things and try to stop crying yourself to sleep at night, and eventually it gets better.

You know it's never going to go away completely tho don't you. There will always be that tiny treacherous corner of your heart that cries in the night, and goes all wobbly over romantic comedies, and burst into tears every time you hear a certain song on the radio.

I hate men. Look at what they do to you, I sometimes wish I'd never had love...things would be so much easier.

Friends

2008-04-07T19:21:00.001+01:00

Well I was feeling a bit down about not having many of them, but then I checked my emeail, and I now have 13 friends on Face Book...

I feel all loved now heh.

Hate

2008-04-03T01:14:00.002+01:00

There's only two people I actually hate in this world. That would be a certain twisted fuck of an ex boyfriend, and a certain nasty, two facedc prick who's head, I believe, I could quite cheerfully blow off with a shotgun...both barrels right between the eyes.... more satisfying I think would be to go back in time and make sure neither of them ever existed, or make it so they could never have caused the harm and grief that they caused.

I believe that hatred is a bad thing, and forgiveness is a gift from God and should always be attempted., but some people desrve to go to hell, or wherever evil psychopathic monsters go when they die.

WTF

2008-04-01T21:47:00.003+01:00

Do you ever look at your life and think 'What the Fuck....?'

I do, but lately I seem to be doing it a hell of a lot more than I used to. It's like my life seems to be flying past me at an ever increasing rate, and people that I care about are dropping further and further behind...I feel like I'm losing, or am in danger of losing some of the most important people in my life.

I actually joined facebook, succumbed to the lure of the promise of friends. I have one friend, someone I don't even know called Adam, and only cos I got an email saying he'd added me as a friend cos we have, apparently, the same taste in music.

Meh, it's all bollocks anyway...I know from one of the girls in work that things are invented for nasty and often sinister reasons on sites like that, so why bother.

I've found a couple of people that I used to know from school and that, but as they weren't actually friends, I don't think I'll be contacting them.

Quite spookily tho, when I did a search on my friend Lynsey from school, it came up with a few possibilities, one of which had Adam down as a 'mutual friend' How freaky would it be if it was the same person? Can't tell tho as there is a worrying and slightly infuriating lack of picture, so I can't actually tell if it
's her or not.

Never mind.

2008-03-27T00:35:00.002Z

I'm worried about Sam, he seems really down. Not surprising.
I'm also worried about Terry, but I think Terry can look after himself so I'm not as worried about him... I'l just keep going round every so often to keep him company (and watch star gate)
I'm worried abiut my friend even though she seems better. Screw it I'll call the poor girl Samntha from now on, even though it's not her actual name. She doesn't deserve to be called 'she' and h'er' all the time.
I'm worried about Him, mainly because I scared him (not entirely my fault, just a fairly huge misunderstanding and some argumentativeness on my part thrown in for good measure), but as Sam is also worried, that makes me even more worried, ans Sam never admits to being worried about anything or anyone...I know he DOES worry, just he always seems to appear laid back.
I'm worried about going for this new promotion at work and wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
I'm worried about trying for this counselling course
I'm worriedabout my eye op that's coming up fast again.
I'm worried about turning 30...I don't want to be thirty.
I'm slighly worried about Joey, cos I texted her a few times the last couple of days and she hasn't got back to me...of course that could be my phone and the messages haven't got through, and Joey is perfectly able to look after herself.
I'm worried about the morale and divide on my team at work.
I'm really worried about my Aunty.
I'm worried about my brother and Caroline, what with her expecting my first niece or nephew...Everything appears fine, they're having no problems or anything, but I'm still worrying.
I'm worryed that no matter how hard I try to save money there appears to be a bottomless hole in my bank account that pounds leak through and disappear.
I'm worried that my student loan deferral forms haven't arrived yet, I'm sure they're normally here by now.
I'm worried that I seem to have lost my creative sparkle, and have stopped writing yet again...the words don't seem to want to flow anymore.
I need to get some sleep but I don't know if my brain will let me...I can probably afford to get some nytols next week, and try to get back into a pattern. Pay day on monday...with any luck they might put the money in my account on saturday then I can drag Sam out and try to cheer him up, or at least try and take his mind off the impending cloud for a bit.
Must text Hab, haven't heard from the cheery chappie in a while...mental note to self...text Hab in the morning.
Now I need to get some sleep.

I hope my readers are all well and safe and healthy and stuff.

I love you all. (Especially Joey ;o) )

Posting

2008-03-27T00:04:00.002Z

I did intend to delete the last post after certain people seemed to think I was posting about myself.

I wasn't. Don't know whether it's my settings but the post appears to still be there...

Anyway my friend is doing ok.. which can only be a good thing... She seems a lot more positive now, I'm still keeping an eye on her though.

And now the hard part... My Auntyhas cancer...I mean more cancer. She had breast cancer a few years ago, got through it and stuff, and about 18 months ago she found some more lumps and was on medication for them, anyway she had to go for a scan a few weeks ago, and they've found 'speckles' in her lungs, liver, pelvis and spine. Speckles is far too nice a word when it's used to mean tiny traces of cancerous cells, it makes it sound trivial. It's not. She's got to have major strength chemotherapy to ty and kill it before it gets worse.

The fact that it's spread doesn't sound encouraging to me, but I guess it's wait and see wht the chemo does.

I'm struggling with this at the moment, she'd gone into remission, and my Uncle has been so happy since he l went to live with her, and got married. It's probably been a good ten years since the wedding, which they had after the first illness. It just seems so unfair.

My uncle, most people would say he wasn't very nice having had a 20 odd year affair with my aunty, while living in misery with his first wife. He married the wrong woman. My aunty nakes him happy, where as my uncle and his first wife made eachother miserable ( also technically my aunty) Why they stayed together so long I have no idea...it was handled very badly and was very messy, but I think they're both happy now... Anyway I'm digressing slightly... My point is that he wasted so many years of his life being miserable, and leading a complicated double life, when he could have been happy and lead a much simpler life if he'd called it quits a lot longer ago. And now their happiness is threatened by cancer again... It really isn't fair. I'm hoping and praying every day that things go well, that the chemo works and that my aunty gets better soon.

2008-03-24T20:05:00.004Z

After 30

2008-03-11T19:03:00.002Z

It feels kinda bad when all of the mates you're still in touch with, that you went to school with are married, with or without kids, or attatched with or without kids, and all the approaching 30 girls from work are either married, getting married or running round freaking out because they need to get married before they hit 30.

It's not like I didn't ask all the single persons I knew if they'd marry me. Yes on february 29th I asked all five of my single friends to marry me. Here's the breakdown... One non reply that was Terry, but he may have been stoned so I'll let him off. One I'll let you know next leap yer...That was Sam. One don't be silly it's meant to be girls asking boys...that was Sarah. One yes of course from Hab, and one yes but I'd rather live in sin from Joey... Living in sin is fine by me lol. Technically tho, if you're religious christian, biblical etc, I think actually marrying someone of the same sex as you could well be about as sinful as you get...short of murder and covetting your neighbour's ox and stuff. Personally I think that God just wants people to be happy and healthy and not murdering and declaring war on eachother.

Any way, turning 30 feels nasty. I don't want to be the only girl from my year not married/sprogified or at least in a meaningful relationship, i.e. one that isn't doomed to fail from the beginning because the other person is either married, a total fuck up, a conniving cunt (sorry) or just not interested.

Are there any people out there apart from Hab and Joey, who would actually want to marry for who I am, who would love me for the person I am inside, warts and all, who would see my heart and soul and want me...and I mean single unnattached not married people here... cos I know at least one person who feels that way, but well..lets just not go there.

On the other hand, do I really need to be part of a couple...I could break the mould and chuck the 'how to be a good 30 year old' rule book right out of the window, and Not be attached, not be married (well thats a certain one anyway) and not have kids (also a certain) and just float onwards doing what I do, i.e moan about being single, fail to pull anyone ever and sit at my desk typing away on this thing., oh and live with my parents until they or I go mad.

Hmm. Let's think about this one...

Cancellation

2008-03-11T18:41:00.002Z

You're right, You were there for me, and you did your best. Thank you.

The operation was cancelled.

Not at ant sensible time, like before I got to the hospital or anything like that...no. Gown on, eyedrops in, waiting to go to theatre, and the doctor that was supposed to be doing it explains that he's not happy about doing the procedure...not because of anything wrong with me, no I'm fine, my blood sugar level eas fine, my blood pressure was fantastic, no... The reason I couldn't have my eye sorted today was because Little Miss Dopey, the wonderful Doctor I saw in January who said 'Yes we can do this and fix youre cataract' apparently didn't speak to the Boss man, my consultant Mr Prasad. So Dr Kumar, the nice man I saw today was a bit reluctant and unsure that the procedure he was about to do was the correct one for me, and didn't want to do it without speaking to Mr Prasad first. Dair enough, I can live with that. I don't blame Dr Kumar at all, or Mr Prasad.

I'm fucking furious that Miss Dopey didn't speak to Mr Prasad before 7.30 am this morning when I was sitting on a trolley in a damned gown .

I'm also extremely annoyed about the fact that if I had not had the date of the operation moved form friday to Tuesday, then Mr Prasad would have been on site, probably doing the operation himself, and all of this shit wouldn't have happened.

I am somewhat convinced that Mr Prasad isn't going to be a very happy bunny when he finds out about this. I reckon that he may have known about the cataract/oil removal op, and that is possibly why I was in on friday originally.

Anyway, I'm extremely pissed off...I've had to take time off work for this pointless exercise. I couldn't even go back in today as they'd put drops in my eyes so I couldn't see. My boss was very understanding etc, but thats not the point is it really?

I've been stressing and worrying and getting completely wound up about this for days, and now I'l worry and stress and get wound up for another week or two until they finally decide to do it, and then it'll be more time off and more messing about and they way things are going the damned op will land right in the middle of my counselling course which starts in April, and which I need to get 90% attendance to pass.

I am really, really, really fucking really, really really fucking fuming..

Roll on september and edinburgh and strippers and booze and mates in hotel rooms. Well you only turn 30 once, and there has to be lots of drunken debauchery, cos after 30 you're dead lol