So very tired

Not helped by the cold I've picked up.. either the second one in just over a week or the same one re-raising it's ugly head. My eyes are aching and my nose is snuffly, and my throat feelslike I've been swallowing razor blades. I do not like these new pills 'm on either. Citalopram. They are making me super spacey, and while they are having the desired effect of knocking me out at night, they are making me drowsy and fuggy during the day and sapping my energy and will to do anything.

On a happier note I went to watch Matt spinning and Breathing fire at Revolver last night. Was awesome. He's so damned sexy when he's performing, I love watching him spin. Beka was quite good too, and Kyle is amazing with his fire Poi. I really am gonna have to start practising more...

Tick Tock

I have not been out today.

I have barely set foot outside my room except to pee and for at most an hour when I went downstairs to get something to eat. I had Quorn and gruyere escalopes and some tomato and basil bread with garlic cheese on. I ate about two rounds of the bread (about 1 slice of normal sized bread) and one of the escalopes. Wasn't really hungry.

Spent the last couple of hours lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and feeling sick and bloated.

Don't eally want to get up tomorrow either. All seems a little pointless, got nothing to get up for, nothing to do except watch the DVDs people have lent me and play Poker on Facebook. I know I should get up and go out and do stuff, but I really don't feel like I can.

Mad Auntie Kate

That's how they refer to me in my family. The mad Auntie with her crazy Goth clothes and her piercings and stretchings and rapid colour-change hair. It's a wonder my niece comes near me at all. In fact I'm surprised they don't use me as a threat to make her do stuff... 'Eat your veg or your mad Auntie Kate will come to get you'.

It was Jennifer's birthday today. She is two. And a very cute and good two year old she is. Spoilt rotten with toys and presents, but still well behaved in a cheeky two year old sort of way. We had fun playing in the sandpit that Mum and Dad gt her, then had party food and cake. I'm not convinced giving a two year old cake for supper is the best idea in the world... the sugar high she'll be on for most of the night is not gonna be good. I guess they know what they are doing tho.

I went to see the doctor this morning. Aside from the wobbly few days at download I'd been ok. Started feeling a bit twitchy yesterday, but went round to see Matt, and settled down. Thought it might just be the fact that I had a cold and wasn't feeling 100%. Woke up feeling a bit shaky and a bit emotional, left Matt in bed with a kiss and got a taxi to the doctor's. Started freaking out slightly in the waiting room, and by the time I'd got in to see Dr Perkins, I was having a minor panic attack. She ran through all the usual questions... Had I self harmed? Had I thought about self harming? Did I want to go for counselling? How did I feel now? Was I still going to work? I hadn't been for 5 days of course. 'd been at Download. I told her that, and she avoided asking the obvious question about recreational drugs, which considering I'd been at a festival, and considering what about 50% of festival goers get up to at festivals, I thought was a little lax maybe... My Dad asked the question... Well what he said was 'Have you been taking anything you shouldn't be taking?' To which I replied 'No'. Anyway, Dr Perkins said I was obviously not in a fit state to go to work and did I want to be signed off. At this point I couldn't think to save my life, I was tired and upset and panicky, so she made the decision for me. She signed me off for a week to see how I went, gave me a prescription for new pills and told me to come back and see her in a week. So I'm going to see her on Monday, which is less than a week. I might see if I can get an appointment for Tuesday or Wednesday as that will mean I've been taking the pills for one week. They probably won't have much of an effect on me by then, but you never know, I might feel better.

So it looks like they are right. I am Mad Auntie Kate after all.

Download 2010

That was an interesting experience. RIP camping was awesome... showers, real toilets, our own private mini shop, free mobile charging, peace and quiet and room to maneuvre round the campsite. Shame the weather didn't hold up really. Wednesday was ok, a bit damp and rainy in the evening, thursday also a bit damp and overcast. Friday... I didn't see much of because I've picked up a cold and spen most of the day in bed, tho did get to the arena for a short while to see ACDC (or some of them anyway)... I believe it was quite sunny tho. Saturday was nice and sunny till about 8 when it got bit cold, but got to see a few bands... Rage Against The Machine were ace.
Sunday... well it was glorous upuntil about 4pm when it decided to piss down. Slash (and Friends - the guy from Alterbridge on vocals, and Lemy made an appearence too) were awesome... Sweet Child of Mine... holy crap, never heard it done so well. Billy Idol also rather impressive. Got cold and wet then tho so wen back to camp for a shower intendng to go back after warming up a bit. Got so warm and snuggly I fell asleep and didn't wake up til about 12am... had managed to sleep right through Aerosmith. Not impressed.

The weather had improved by the time we had to take our tents down this morning tho it was kinda windy... wish I'd had the foresight to get my video camera out and film four people struggling with and inflating wind-blown tent... it was quite hilarious.

Am all nice and clean now, had a shower and put washing in the machine.

I think all in all it was a good few days. I reckon it could have been better. but I think that's due to me and my stupid brain more than anything else... spent too much tme hiding in the tent and not enough time socialising. I'm sure I'll get there eventually. Is just taking too much time.

And I'm worried that, if I can't deal with Download, when I've been there four times with no issues, how am I oing to deal with Sonisphere?

Returned from the dead...

I haven't really been dead, just missing in action, but it seems 'm back, tho God knows why. Maybe I just need to write stuff down where people can read itif they want to, rather than the random rants I've been having on Facebook that mean I kinda feel that I'm forcing my nutjobness onto people who are gonna get bored of me at some point.

Heh, forgot how much I liked blogging. Is Therapeutic.

Off to download on wednesday... Should be good for a laugh provided the knobrot doesn't try and make contact. We can but pray...

This has changed a tad

Haven't been on here in a while... could barely remember my password!

Head or Heart?

which would you choose?

The Headfuck Continues

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I shouldn't be this upset over a name.
Lets face it, the conversation was stupid anyway, we both knew at the time that the conversation happened that we, as a couple, were never gonna have kids together.
So why the hell am I so upset over this?
Perhaps because it was a dream, a fantasy that was just for me? Perhaps because he was the first and is the only man I have ever wanted to have kids with?
Perhaps because this feels like he's shoving it in my face that I'm probably never going to have kids, let alone with him, and rubbing my nose in it that he's happily getting on with his life while I'm slowly mouldering away in my pit, and as much as I like to dream that there's someone nice out there for me that isn't going to fuck me over, who the fuck am I kidding? No-one is gonna want a damn near useless freak like me no matter how caring, loyal or loving I might be, cos no fucker will take the time to find out who I am and how 'wonderful' I am. Apparently no-one can see (hah) past the disability.

Well fuck you all (except obviously those who care... you know who you are and thank you all).

I'm sick of being walke on, I'm sick of being treated like a fucking pariah, I'm sick of having my heart broken left right and centre by people who say they love me... My dreams may have been shattered, but I clung on to the memory of a dream an now even that has been taken away from me.

Thank you for breaking my heart yet again.